An ex is calling, Part II

by singlemomseeking on October 10, 2008

Recently, I asked for your advice about an ex who was calling (thanks to all of you!)

Some of you pointed out the fact that this guy is Jewish and Yom Kippur was coming up — a time when Jews around the world ask for forgiveness.

Others said that his conversation sounded right out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And many of you pointed out that it’s simply the universe is at work, like TS Quest who said:

I think you are being tested... This is something that has come back into your life to show you something about yourself. Maybe it will show you your strength. Maybe it will show you that its okay to be vulnerable. But it will show you something and it probably won’t be comfortable. Get out of the comfort and welcome the growth. Take a chance.”

(Do you see why I turn to all of you?)

Here’s what happened:

We made a plan to meet for coffee, then he called to say that something had come up at work. We rescheduled.

He called again and left a message, saying that “something else” had come up. I didn’t call back. This was feeling like way too much work.

That’s when he emailed me:

“Hey Rachel,

Although I would still like to catch up and hear how things are going with you, I have since been focused on a diligent attempt at rescuing my relationship with ex-fiance.

I am pretty sure that she would not be too excited about you and I meeting and reminiscing, but perhaps a phone call or two wouldn’t be out of the question; she gets pretty uneasy about “other” girls

Thanks for your understanding and let me know if you would be up for a phone chat soon.”


I wrote back:

“Sounds like a lot of the drama. I’m in a good place right now —  without any relationship drama. I really wish you the best.”

And that was the end. So I thought.

The same day I posted that first entry about him, he emailed me again!

As far as I know, he doesn’t have a clue about my blog. And if he does, his email wasn’t letting on–

He wrote:

“Are you available for coffee and catch-up–?”

That’s it.

Hello, what happened to his jealous girlfriend?

I called him in between work meetings.

It was a very short conversation, in which he said that he has been going through some changes, which he’d like to explain over a cup of coffee–

We’re meeting on Monday morning (a holiday) after I drop M at a friend’s for a play date.

Any more words of wisdom?

I know that some of you mamas are going to tell me: “Don’t go! What a waste of time!”

And men? What’s your take on this one?

Photo by the amazing Keith Loh. If you’re looking for a photographer in the Vancouver area, you should seriously consider this guy.

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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) October 12, 2008 at 8:59 am

I don’t love that he keeps roping you back in and using your time, energy, cell minutes and blog space. I do understand your response…I would probably do the same thing. One of the things I have been working on really hard (thanks, therapy!) is to not feel the need to respond to every phone call, email or request. And maybe it would feel freeing to just release him (and his emails and jealous girlfriend and requests and non-committal-ness) to the universe.

As a good friend reminds me often, “Your life is bigger than one man.”

Amen, right?

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass)’s last blog post…Lil E Explains: What Mommy should wear


ruth October 11, 2008 at 4:55 pm

OMG Rachel why are you indulging him?? He’s already cancelled twice, you’re obviously his back up plan!! Don’t do this to yourself!!!


judy October 11, 2008 at 4:26 pm

TROUBLE….you know that already.
CURIOUS….I am with you on that and would be tempted as well but so guard your heart. Give yourself a time limit you have to stay to such as an hour before picking up M and if you think you want more from him leave it with it being his responsibility to contact you


JimAKASydney&Hunter'sDad October 11, 2008 at 12:51 pm

… sounds like trouble! However being human we often run from trouble the wrong way… right smack into it! However, there is no harm meeting this guy for coffee, especially since he really was a friend, but if coffee turns into more than coffee, then you insert yourself in the middle this guy’s messed up, drama filled life, and you clearly stated that you are currently happy without any relationship drama right now. Nevertheless sometimes a little relationship drama is better than no relationship or companionship whatsoever! Your call… as adult single parent dating is surely a contact sport and is not without risk! If in fact you want to jump this guys bones regardless of what is happening in his life (since things didn’t work out with the UPS man), it sounds like this guy would happily accommodate you, without much consideration of the x-fiancé who has him in such a quandary.


GLSD October 11, 2008 at 11:37 am

Rachel, You said…. “Sounds like a lot of the drama. I’m in a good place right now – without any relationship drama. I really wish you the best.” I AGREE! You’re in a good place right now and you don’t need that. He’s trying to work things out with an ex-fiance. Emails as friends or phone chats are fine. You should stay away! And all this after 6 yrs of not contact?! It sounded fishy then and now it sounds fishier! 🙂 If you go “good luck”. I agree with Christy: Never allow someone to be your Priority, while allowing yourself to be their Option’!


SDMktg October 11, 2008 at 11:36 am

Why just women Christy? That sounds like pretty good advice for anyone.

SDMktg’s last blog post…Tailgating Menu for Oct 11 -12 – New England Feast


Christy October 11, 2008 at 11:04 am

Seems like he does not know what he wants… trying to get back together with his ex-finance and cant meet up with you for coffee but then thinks a call would not hurt (i.e. gf will not know if we talk on the phone- it is a *safe* way to communicate) but then he emails and wants to get together. Not sure what his problem is…

If this was me, my curiousity would be eating me alive !!! I would have to go see him, although it does seem like you are being *jerked* around a bit with stuff coming up.

Little word of advise I read yesterday and wanted to share with all women- especially those not in relationships or those in new relationships : ‘Never allow someone to be your Priority, while allowing yourself to be their Option’!

Christy’s last blog post…Yeah !!! hit the $550 in extra money !!


Allison October 11, 2008 at 10:35 am

I’d go, but I’d go with a serious level of eyebrow-raising, arms crossed. As in, “FINE, what do you want already?” But, yeah, if he cancels again, that’s it.

I liked your response to him that your life was drama free and you liked it that way; plus from what he said to you, now you know that he’s not trying to resurrect YOUR relationship.

Good luck and of course we’ll all be waiting to hear what happens.


SDMktg October 11, 2008 at 10:04 am

I figured Dadshouse would be on here defending guys everywhere but I guess I beat him too it. I was skeptical from the last post but with the girlfriend thrown in and it being coffee, I would throw out the possibility that the guy has some question regarding the relationship he’s trying to save that he thinks only a woman can answer. And maybe he doesn’t have a lot of female friends.

I also don’t see how meeting for coffee automatically leads to dating. That makes two pretty big assumptions.
1. That’s what he has in mind and he asks.
2. and this is a big one…Rachel has to agree to see him again.

Of course if he doesn’t show on Monday he’s passed the three strike rule. He’s already rescheduled twice and after the third time you have to figure he’s too busy or too inconsiderate for you to waste time with even if it is just a friendly thing.

SDMktg’s last blog post…Tailgating Menu for Oct 11 -12 – New England Feast


Avigail74 October 11, 2008 at 7:09 am

He’s holding the ropes—it’s time for you to snatch the rope back and lasso him out of your life.

And, one more thing: YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST.


wandamd October 11, 2008 at 6:24 am

This kid is FUNNY! For a mere guilty pleasure of finding out what “changes” he’s going through I’d go out of morbid curiosity. Sounds like you’ve pretty much written him off as a flake, which I would, but the kicker is that while he thinks he’s “changed” it really sounds like the same old indecisiveness. Plus, who couldn’t use a good cup of coffee!


Julie October 11, 2008 at 5:32 am

Yep, put your walking shoes on, sister. Make that, running shoes. If it requires that much drama to settle on a coffee date, he’s not worth your time, energy or use of make-up.

Walk on by!

Julie’s last blog post…Darlene aka Travel Girl…come here, sweetie.


jeanie October 11, 2008 at 12:29 am

on the one hand, I would be very curious – but I would be all about protecting myself because OBVIOUSLY he has no idea that you require any protection whatsoever – blowing you off, the ex-fiancee bs. He is intriged by the challenge when you said no dramas – make sure you have a very nice coffee, ask “what is this about” and walk away satisfied.

jeanie’s last blog post…‘Salina and her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day*


NappyKitchen October 10, 2008 at 11:25 pm

I’ve dated this type of narcissistic guy over and over again. They get distracted by shiny objects (anything other than you) VERY easily.

In the words of the infamous website of the same name: ‘Don’t Date Him Girl!’ (or have coffee 😉

NappyKitchen’s last blog post…Barack Obama or Hair Weave?


Paige October 10, 2008 at 9:54 pm

Soooo not cool! This guy is a piece of work and playing both sides. I loved your email to him and think you should adhere to it…leave the drama before it finds you, cuz lemme tell you, it’s looking for you!

Initially, I thought you should meet with him, but you know what he wanted now so there really is absolutely no reason to hook up with him. The red flags are there trying to warn you to stay away. Put yourself in the ex-fiance’s shoes…

Paige’s last blog post…Tired of it all


laurakim October 10, 2008 at 9:06 pm

In your first post I said I would go!

Now I wouldnt go!

Seriously that is TOO much work, TOO much effort and TOO much drama.

He is playing games! And weird ones at that!

The problem tho is that he doesnt look like he is going away unless you are prepared to actually tell him its not happening in those words. So you may just have meet him?

laurakim’s last blog post…Networking


Kevin October 10, 2008 at 8:45 pm

Rachel, I probably wouldn’t go if I were you…but I know you are curious, just to see what he has to say, but my thing is: who cares. Wayyyyy too much drama..

Kevin’s last blog post…Writing update


singlemomseeking October 10, 2008 at 8:29 pm

Wow, BlueBella, I’ve never heard this expression before and I LOVE it:
“I’m not above camping out to watch some fireworks!”

Denise, Amy, LEM:
Who knows, maybe I will wake up tomorrow and say, “What the hell was I thinking? I’m not going–“


singlemomseeking October 10, 2008 at 8:27 pm

Let me be clear: I have no expectations, no hopes.

I’m writing this from the honest pit of my gut. But here’s the truth: a tiny part of me is curious.

We were friends. Oddly, I still have some of his stuff in my home (like this very chair “massager” I’m sitting on!)

And I’m sure my ego is at work, too.

If there’s one trait I have, it’s keeping quiet and letting others talk. (You wouldn’t know that from this blog, would you!)

Caution, indeed.


Denise October 10, 2008 at 8:00 pm

Someone once told me to be impeccable with my words. You wrote him and said you don’t need the drama, so I would not have called and ignored any emails or calls etc.. from this guy.

He sounds like he is a bad place, confused, plus he has a jealous girlfriend!?

He cancelled twice already! That is a red flag.

He doesn’t sound like he can offer anything positive to your life but instead add negative to it.

I wouldn’t go.


Amy Nathan October 10, 2008 at 7:59 pm

Is this for real, Rachel? C’mon. You are better than this.

I said it before, it’s not about you, it’s about him. And that is always the biggest red flag of all.

For me, meeting someone like this for coffee would not add value to my day, let alone my life, and I wouldn’t do it. But like I’ve always told my kids, “Grown ups get to make their own decisions.”

I look forward to hearing about yours.


Eathan October 10, 2008 at 6:37 pm

Approach with caution if you still have a weak spot for him.

I will admit, I have plutonic relationships with ex’s. It wasn’t immediately after we stopped dating..but it did happen. Now, we’re friends. They’ve tried to fix me up on blind dates a couple times. Who knows what will happen.



PT-LawMom October 10, 2008 at 6:19 pm

I’d go just to find out what the deal is. But Blue Bella and Legal Editor Mom do have a point – caution.

PT-LawMom’s last blog post…Torn Up


BlueBella October 10, 2008 at 5:35 pm

This just smacks of a selfish guy trying to make a soft landing for himself! Call me cynical, but it’s a behavior I’ve found myself doing before . . ..

. . .a serious relationship goes South . . feelings of inadequecy and insecurity creep in . . .he’s asking himself if he’s still “got game” and HATES the idea of being alone . . .

who better to reach out to than a kind, caring, former flame that never really got off the ground?

If you’ve got the time and energy to deal with this – good on you, but if you really are on the path of avoiding drama – BACK AWAY SLOWLY, then turn, RUN and never look back!

Besides, who wants to be involved with a guy nursing a failing relationship with someone he was supposed to be marrying? This is serious stuff. But it’s also good fodder for a gal with an itchy keyboard 🙂

Keep us posted . . .I’m not above camping out to watch some fireworks!

BlueBella’s last blog post…Threeves


Legal Editor Mom October 10, 2008 at 4:53 pm

Why did you call him? You know about the girlfriend and the potential drama, and you made it clear in your e-mailed response that you didn’t want to get mixed up in anything like that. I would have left it at that.

He sounds like he’s confused and many need a shoulder to lean on, and perhaps a sympathetic ear. But why you? Who has he been talking to in all the years you were out of touch?

You’re not a close friend, and I know that you get attached easily. Moreover, while you’re very kind to give people the benefit of the doubt, you’re also likely to get your hopes up, only to be let down. Why go through that?

I agree that the meeting may never even happen, anyway! He clearly needs to get his act together.



Andie October 10, 2008 at 4:24 pm

His thing is a drag.


gail October 10, 2008 at 4:16 pm

Bad news, hon. You deserve much much better…


buterflymom October 10, 2008 at 3:23 pm

oh, i’d go just out of curiosity. maybe i’m a little bored right now. i’ve recently talked to an ex, and while i have no intention of going out with him it was a really nice conversation. maybe because i didn’t want anything anymore.

you will learn something, no doubt.


Ocean October 10, 2008 at 3:07 pm

“Don’t go! What a waste of time!”

Ocean’s last blog post…Poem of the Day


T October 10, 2008 at 3:05 pm

Wow. Yeah, does sound like a lot of drama. Who knows what his intentions are? Maybe all of this confusing stuff before-hand is going to put you in a position to be stronger than you thought. I don’t think he means anything other than a friendly meeting with the mention of the girlfriend and all…

Still, I’d be curious if this “meet for coffee” ever even happens. His persistence is both intriguing and confusing. Hmmmm…

I’m stumped! Good luck and remember – no expectations!

Thanks for the link love though! 🙂

T’s last blog post…Random Friday Thoughts


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