An ex is calling, Part II

by singlemomseeking on October 10, 2008

Recently, I asked for your advice about an ex who was calling (thanks to all of you!)

Some of you pointed out the fact that this guy is Jewish and Yom Kippur was coming up — a time when Jews around the world ask for forgiveness.

Others said that his conversation sounded right out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And many of you pointed out that it’s simply the universe is at work, like TS Quest who said:

I think you are being tested... This is something that has come back into your life to show you something about yourself. Maybe it will show you your strength. Maybe it will show you that its okay to be vulnerable. But it will show you something and it probably won’t be comfortable. Get out of the comfort and welcome the growth. Take a chance.”

(Do you see why I turn to all of you?)

Here’s what happened:

We made a plan to meet for coffee, then he called to say that something had come up at work. We rescheduled.

He called again and left a message, saying that “something else” had come up. I didn’t call back. This was feeling like way too much work.

That’s when he emailed me:

“Hey Rachel,

Although I would still like to catch up and hear how things are going with you, I have since been focused on a diligent attempt at rescuing my relationship with ex-fiance.

I am pretty sure that she would not be too excited about you and I meeting and reminiscing, but perhaps a phone call or two wouldn’t be out of the question; she gets pretty uneasy about “other” girls

Thanks for your understanding and let me know if you would be up for a phone chat soon.”


I wrote back:

“Sounds like a lot of the drama. I’m in a good place right now —  without any relationship drama. I really wish you the best.”

And that was the end. So I thought.

The same day I posted that first entry about him, he emailed me again!

As far as I know, he doesn’t have a clue about my blog. And if he does, his email wasn’t letting on–

He wrote:

“Are you available for coffee and catch-up–?”

That’s it.

Hello, what happened to his jealous girlfriend?

I called him in between work meetings.

It was a very short conversation, in which he said that he has been going through some changes, which he’d like to explain over a cup of coffee–

We’re meeting on Monday morning (a holiday) after I drop M at a friend’s for a play date.

Any more words of wisdom?

I know that some of you mamas are going to tell me: “Don’t go! What a waste of time!”

And men? What’s your take on this one?

Photo by the amazing Keith Loh. If you’re looking for a photographer in the Vancouver area, you should seriously consider this guy.

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Single Mom in New England October 14, 2008 at 2:13 pm

This guy is having second thoughts about his fiance. He wants to go into a marriage with no questions of “What if…?” Sounds to me like he wants to either check you off his list for good, or end things with his fiance for good, because he can’t seem to give up thoughts of you…


T October 14, 2008 at 1:05 pm

I’m glad you were able to be his friend. I, of course, agree with Kat’s comment above.

I’m happy to hear that you went with an open mind and listening ears. I can’t imagine he’s anything but grateful for you!

T’s last blog post…Three


Leah October 13, 2008 at 8:15 pm

Very cool of you to meet him after all that weirdness. It reminds me that we are all human and subject to all kinds of foibles and inconsistencies.

Leah’s last blog post…“Working” mom? and BlogHer 2008


mc October 13, 2008 at 5:54 pm

Well that’s a relief! Glad everything’s OK.

I’m just paranoid due to having had stalkers etc. Also that picture freaks me out!


singlemomseeking October 13, 2008 at 1:07 pm

I just wanted to reassure everyone that I’m back safe and sound!

I greatly appreciate all of your concern.

I will write more soon, but I’ll just say for now: he’s in a really emotional place (I’ve been there) and he’s reconnecting with people from his past.

He didn’t want anything from me… other than to have a friend to sit with him as his tears fell.


mc October 13, 2008 at 10:31 am

Boy this really doesn’t add up. At all.

Hard to believe that he doesn’t see what a jerk he’s being with all the canceling, the weird and inappropriate “confession” that he’s getting back with his ex, blah blah.

Hard to believe that he’s doing it on purpose, either.

The other alternative: he’s seriously lost his marbles and has some kind of psychotic break thing going on.

What if he’s planned something bad for your meeting, then he changes his mind and calls it off, and then his demons get the better of him and he reschedules?

What worries me is that none of his behavior seems to bear any relation to you, at all. It’s all about him, what’s going on in his head. I wouldn’t be flattered–he shows no sign of having heard anything you said to him recently! Does he even remember the previous coffee dates?

Please seriously consider that he might be nuts. Be careful! Do not meet him alone (why not bring along a big male friend?), don’t let him know where you live, where your daughter’s daycare is, etc.

I’d be curious too by this time. But this guy sounds a little too “off” to trust even for a curiosity coffee.


Kelly October 13, 2008 at 9:48 am

I think he’s up to no good and that you can do better, but I hope you went anyway because I’m extremely curious!

Kelly’s last blog post…Pics


Kat Wilder October 12, 2008 at 9:22 pm

I don’t quite understand the “you deserve better than this” comments. The guy is struggling, and for whatever reason, he finds you a sympathetic soul. He’s not asking to sleep with you or to get back together with you, and you’re not expecting to, either … um, right?

So, if you want to see him again and care about the relationship you have, however tenuous, or honor the one you had, go. And if you still have feelings from the past and can’t go with an open heart and mind, then don’t.

Kat Wilder’s last blog post…The good wife?


Trish October 12, 2008 at 7:16 pm

Eh, you already have M taken care of…just go. Find out. Settle the curiosity.

And make him pay for your coffee.

Trish’s last blog post…Oh, how I love the Longhorns!


Lance October 12, 2008 at 4:30 pm

I kind of agree, I wouldn’t waste my time with this. I’d make the appt and flake on it just to get back at him for flaking on me twice.

Unless you want more blog material, that is, in which case you definitely SHOULD do the date!

Lance’s last blog post…I PWNed this Blog, Bitchez!!


Treemama October 12, 2008 at 2:28 pm

Far away…stay far away.

Treemama’s last blog post…Twitter


Avigail74 October 12, 2008 at 1:08 pm

One more thing…ever heard of:
Curiosity killed the cat…

Not worth your time, space or energy. Let him go. You are so much more than that!


Shell October 12, 2008 at 11:46 am

Don’t do it, you have a responsibility to yourself to stop the cycle. What do you want to accomplish from this? What is the best thing that could happen? What is the worse? Go with your gut. Something is obviously telling you it smells fishy, that is why you are posting for advice. JUST SAY NO.

Send him an email, telling him “something has come up…Although I would still like to catch up and hear how things are going with you, I have since been focused on a diligent attempt at rescuing my relationship with myself. I am pretty sure that she would not be too excited about you and I meeting and reminiscing, and I know a phone call or two would be out of the question; she gets pretty uneasy about people like you. Thanks for your understanding and just to let you know, I’m not up for a phone chat, please remove me from your contact list. Hearts and shit, Rachel”

It’s a form letter, copy paste as you see fit, It’s copywritten with a creative commons license. Swear!
Love yourself first, you are better than this. ~Shell


tanasie October 12, 2008 at 9:53 am

I want to stab him in the eye with a spork.

When he cancelled. And then cancelled again. And then sent the explanatory I’m-trying-to-get-back-together-with-my-jealous-ex e-mail I wanted to hit him.

It’s fine to go for coffee. I just hope you don’t have a pet rabbit.

It sounds to me like he isn’t feeling so sure of things definitely working out with his ex. He didn’t say that they were getting back together for sure. Just that he was trying. And he still keeps thinking about you, since you’re not a potentially bunny-boiling-psychopath…. And so he wants to have a plan b. Plan A is get back together with the ex. But maybe she screamed at him and he realized that she’s a little bit too crazy and there’s a reason she’s his EX fiance and he decided he wanted to see you. Especially since he’s telling you flat out that you are not his first choice, and he’s seeing if you’re okay with that.

You don’t want to be second choice, do you?

But, part of me is still curious to see what he says. So definitely let us know.

tanasie’s last blog post…Let’s Play a Game, he said.


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