An ex-boyfriend emailed me this week, after six years of almost no contact. Well, he wasn’t really even a boyfriend.
If you read my book, you might remember Adam. He’s the hot Jewish single dad who works in law enforcement.
In 2002, I’d seen him around the neighborhood. He rode a motorcycle. He was bald. I found out that his daughter was friends with my landlord’s daughter. So I asked for his number.
“That was very bold,” he told me when I cold-called him one night.
He asked if I wanted to come to his home for dinner — with our daughters, as friends. He was a great cook. Soon, we were having dinner once a week — with our daughters.
Sometimes, after eating, our girls watched a movie. He and I went into the hot tub together without the kids. But he never came onto me.
And I never came onto him because he’d told me straight out, early on: “I like you, I enjoy your company, but I don’t want to sleep with you.”
Well, okay then.
Maybe he was sleeping with someone else on the side. Maybe he wasn’t attracted to me.
I would have slept with him. For sure. And he knew this.
One night, after a glass of wine, we shared one long kiss. That was it.
But we weren’t dating. This was about keeping each other company over dinner, with our kids. Not more.
~~~
So, you can imagine my surprise when Adam emailed me this week.
“Coffee,” he wrote in the subject line.
In the past six years, I’d run into him exactly two times. One time, his fiance was with him. I later heard they’d broken up.
His email to me this week was one line:
“Any chance you feel like meeting me for coffee next week?”
Excuse me.
This guy hasn’t called me or emailed me for years — and now he wants to have coffee?
But I was intrigued. Some crushes don’t get crushed.
I wrote back: “Wow, is this THE Adam? I might have time on Thursday for coffee–”
He wrote back: “What are you doing this evening? Can I call you? I need to speak to you.”
On the phone, he told me that he’d burned a lot of bridges over the years. He explained that he was on a mission to find people from his past whom he’d hurt.
I’d never heard him talk so openly about his feelings. Maybe he was in therapy?
“Are you dating anyone?” he asked me.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to be dating anyone right now.”
Him: “You don’t?”
I sighed. Something was shady.
Adam had never seemed interested in me like that. Why now? All of a sudden?
“I think about you a lot, still,” he said.
“You do?” I asked. “But we haven’t seen each other for years. Why are you telling me this now?”
“I really would like you see you,” he said. “Thursday should work. I’ll call you later this week.”
In my gut, something is fishy here.
I’m not sure if I should see him.
We weren’t able to remain friends: that’s because I wanted more back then. I remember how easily he let me go. We never spoke again. It hurt.
My life is drama-free, and I like it that way.
Should I see him?
Have you ever had an ex blast back into your life from the past?
Didn’t you feel a little cynical, too?
Photo by Steve Todey
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I’d be skeptical, too. If he wasn’t interested in you then, why would he be interested in you now? Sounds more like he’s in AA or something similar. His “confession” about wanting to right the wrongs of all the people he’s hurt in the past is very much like one of the steps in the Twelve Step Program.
So if you do agree to see him, constantly remind yourself of his purpose for this meeting, and don’t read anything else into it. That way you won’t be disappointed or hurt (again)when nothing comes of it.
P.S. I have a somewhat similar situation. A guy I “met” on one of the dating sites that I no longer use e-mailed me tonight about wanting to “talk more and go out one weekend this month.”
When we first started corresponding last year, we e-mailed, exchanged photos, and talked on the phone quite a bit. But he didn’t seem too understanding of my single parent status and we therefore never hooked up. (He never tried too hard, either.) But he’s been in touch twice in the last two months and all of a sudden he wants to get together, and this month at that. Urgency after several months of nothing? I am SUPER skeptical, almost feeling like he hasn’t met anyone else so he wants to try it again with me.
He is single, attractive, has a good job, and he lives super close to me. But I’m not too thrilled with the idea of him right now! Sound familiar?
Hmmm. Does sound a little strange, but more like maybe he had some type of addiction and needs to make amends. I’d consider meeting him to let him say what he needs to say. If you don’t like what you hear, there’s no need to see him again. If you do, well…
GG’s last blog post…Sunday musings
I have an idea… let’s live a parallel life as we seem to be doing right now… lol
My ex? A recovering alcoholic who fell off the wagon and I kicked him out… two months ago he emailed me. Out of the blue. I hadn’t spoken to him in two years.
He’s sober now but facing a lot with court dates and the like to face the consequenses of his drinking. We emailed back and forth a few times and then chatted online.
I wasn’t ready to see him. In my mind, I know how an alcoholic works, so I figured he was looking for someone to pass the blame, to fix it or who knows what and like you? I’m drama free and I like it that way.
After about a month, he asked if I would meet him for coffee. I didn’t know what to expect. I had already told him that I was not getting back together with him, but at the same time, I was supportive. I knew that most everyone else had bailed on him.
Last night we had coffee again. There are no hugs at these meetings between he and I, just conversation and lots of laughs.
I’m reminded of why I fell in love with him.
But I’m also haunted by everything that was thrown away because of his drinking.
I was hurt and I’ve not really dated since. here and there, but nothing serious.
I say go for it. I couldn’t not say no. I’m nosey and would die trying to figure out what it was that he wanted to see me for.
However, as Legal Editor Mom said, remind yourself of his purpose for the meeting and don’t read into it.
After you’re around him, you might feel differently.
Regardless, now I can’t wait for Thursday because I’m nosey and I want to know what he wants.
Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity’s last blog post…My letter to the New Kids… continued…
If he looks like the guy in the picture – I WOULD DO IT ;-p
Seriously though I dont know. If something doesnt feel right then maybe dont? But it is weird that he contacted you NOW after so long – so based on that I would go for coffee – just too see what the story is?
laurakim’s last blog post…Weekly Winners 27 Sept – 5 Aug
I’d be skeptical, but nothing to gain, nothing to lose. See him for coffee and take it one day at a time. Let’s see why he has to come clean and find the people from his past that he’s hurt. I can’t wait to hear all about it! Good Luck!
Tough one. But maybe you should go and ask him, why did he call you now, since he obviously wasn’t interested in you years ago. Then, if he answers that, you wouldn’t have to wonder about it anymore.
Maybe back then he was in the place where he didn’t want to date anyone?
Meh. Go to satisfy your curiosity, if nothing else. I’d have to agree with Heather’s comment re the recovering alcoholic phase.
If your gut says “fishy” then listen to it.
If you feel uncomfortable in any way about a meeting, skip it. Even if it means no blog fodder!
Yes, voting on the cynical side here.
Linda’s last blog post…Leaking, Spewing, and Random Stuff
Caution is definitely called for here, but I disagree with Legal Editor Mom. Six years is a long time, and a lot could’ve happened to him…like growth, or the gaining of wisdom, perspective, insight. I doubt he’s the exact same person now that he was the last time you heard from him, anyway.
Most definitely go. But yes, cautiously. Seems to me there was always the potential for something pretty cool there that never got realized. Maybe it wasn’t the time back then…maybe now is.
Couldn’t hurt to hear what he has to say, right?
Trish’s last blog post…Swirling around in my head…
This is about him – not you. He has thought a lot about you, he says. He wants to reconnect with people he has hurt. Sounds like someone is looking to make himself feel better or maybe in some kind of therapy, self-actualization or recovery program. If you want to be part of that, then meet him for coffee. He’ll apologize for hurting your feelings and dropping off the face of the earth, and he’ll walk away feeling better about himself. Well, whoopee for him!
Did he ask if you’ve thought of him? Did he ask anything other than if you’re dating someone? Did he ask about M? OK, if he did all these things I’d feel better about it. Maybe he wasn’t just thinking about you, maybe he was wondering about you, and there’s a difference.
It’s intriguing for sure, but if he knew you had a thing for him, maybe this is his ego at play. Maybe he was dumped and wants someone in his life. (I’ve done that to men, sorry, you know, someone who will always be there – I don’t do it anymore)
If you see him, please keep your eyes and ears wide open. Listen to him with your heart, not just your heart and libido.
When someone pops back into your life after years like this — it’s a huge red flag.
Amy Nathan’s last blog post…What if?
I would be super skeptical if I was you. The sense of urgency after so long is enough to be worrisome. Either he is just lonely or horny and neither case will work out for you.
I don’t want to get into steriotypes reall, but I have an ex who is an ex-cop. He was very good at manipulating situations and people. He would ‘open up’ and be sensitive and I would cry over what some other woman had done to him… and pretty soon I’m in the same boat that woman was in and trying to figure out how to get out (although, in my case the only way out of ‘that boat’ was to do what she did and call the police and have him arrested and get a restraining order) Turns out she wasn’t the psycho
.
Now, I would say that there is nothing wrong with coffee AS LONG AS you are 100% sure that you won’t be fooled by him and that he can’t charm you into something that isnt good for you or your kids.
It is possible that he just needs someone to talk to and remembers you are a great listener… still, I don’t like the way he has gone about it. Drama free and not dating is so much better than whatever he can offer.
I would tend to agree with Trish but – have no expectations. Go for coffee and curiosity, nothing else.
That said, you are the only one who knows the whole story – his tone, his words, a bit of his personality… Trust your instincts.
The Exception’s last blog post…KMAB Classes Begin
I’m not sure how old he is, but it sounds like he wants to go back and say i’m sorry.. or clear his conscience. I wouldn’t expect too much past that.
Eathan, The Exception, and Trish:
Now I’m all worked up just hearing his voice. Deep breath. No expectations? Easier said than done.
Heather: Yes, just hearing his voice haunts me. And the strange thing is, I emailed him back to say, “Thursday is perfect.”
And I haven’t heard back from him!
What is going on?
I’m nosy, too.
I really hope that your recent encounter is helping you deal with old feelings. Hug!
Who says it’s all about him? Maybe since you have made the decision to stay away from relationships for awhile, to take care of your mind, thoughts, and soul …this sudden appearance is just a temptation from the powers that be to see how strong in your convictions you are?
Actually, I think it’s a 10 step mission. And where will that leave you once he’s righted his wrong with you?
Me? I’d probably leave the door closed.
Nancy’s last blog post…Promoting Beer McCain
Nancy: I had the SAME thought! Maybe this is lesson the universe is trying to teach me?
I’m with every darn ounce in my body to have boundaries… am I being tested?
Yikes! This is what women do so well — analyze, overanalyze, process, etc. All this prep work!
People change, and situations change. You wnated more than what he wanted, and so it was natural to part and end contact. It’s hard to be friends when you’re not coming from an equal plane.
If you’re interested in seeing him, sure, why not? If you think you still have hurt feelings, it may not be the best idea. You’d be meeting him with expectations that you probably shouldn’t have.
The “making amends” does sound like an AA thing. Nothing wrong with that, but I’m always curious why people want to make amends. It’s not really for the hurt person as much as for the person who needs to make the amends. But, that’s important, too.
Kat Wilder’s last blog post…Daddy grows up … fast
I think you are being tested. I have also learned that when you say, “I will never…” insert whatever here – the universe says, “Oh yeah? Try this!”
You are happy and drama-free because you are not in a relationship. It is when we are in relationships that our underlying fears arise and boy is it scary. But that is where the beauty lies! That is when we find that we still have healing to do! Think of it as another fucking growth opportunity (AFGO). This is something that has come back into your life to show you something about yourself. Maybe it will show you your strength. Maybe it will show you that its ok to be vulnerable. But it will show you something and it probably won’t be comfortable.
Get out of the comfort and welcome the growth. Take a chance. I would try to let go of expectations. It may be nothing more than a meeting for coffee. Open yourself up and see what happens. Maybe this is a moment of closure for you. You just never know, Rachel. So never say never…
T’s last blog post…Rediscovering Me
I agree with you Rachel that something does sound fishy—(BTW: listen to that gut instinct of yours!)–he sounded awfully anxious–why was he so anxious to meet you right away? If he didn’t sound so anxious–I wouldn’t feel as fishy…
I think it would have been enough for him to explain why he wanted to see you again over the phone–it doesn’t need to be said in person. However, I do agree with Legal Editor–if you do decide to meet him, have no expectations…but still, be careful not to get sucked up in his drama if there is one.
Why resist it? Yield to life. Embrace all that comes your way. Don’t read too much into this, either way.
You wrote, “Something was shady.”
I thought, “Why?” He seems genuine. He wants make things right. That doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you.
Meet him, let things unfold, see where they go. You’re clearly smitten with him. So why not meet?
And all you readers who say he has ulterior motives because he didn’t sleep with Rachel years ago – come on, give me a break. Maybe he was seeing someone else back then. Or maybe he wanted a different sort of woman back then.
I agree with T – relationships allow us opportunities for growth.
dadshouse’s last blog post…How to Pickup Women, Dad’s House Junior Edition
I think you should trust your gut–it doesn’t sound an honest, “I like you”, interaction.
Instead, I agree with Amy Nathan, this sounds majorly “all about him”.
The reason he gave is classic 10-step (in which case, he wants to assuage his guilt/fulfill his program, not connect with you). Or he could be trying to sell you Amway. Whatever, it’s not what you are looking for, is it?
In addition to all this, he’s being flaky and pressuring you?
You don’t need this kind of crap, even if it comes in a pretty package. (and of course, it seems unlikely that he’s going to be sexual with you this time either, so why?) Walk away and find someone worthy of your time, I’d say.
PS Honestly, there’s no hetero man in the world who wouldn’t sleep (just once!) with a young woman he’s seeing regularly for date-like activities, and who obviously wanted to sleep with him! This sounds the most fishy of all. I’m guessing he’s been very closeted gay (police career, you know) who has been exploiting the women in his life for “cover”. Probably couldn’t go through with marrying his fiance and has decided to come “out” and apologize to all the women he led on, or etc.
whoa there, red flags. an email to say HI, how are ya, haven’t seen you in awhile, how are things- whatever- would’ve been nice and normal. An out of the blue I MUST SEE YOU NOW screams “warning” to me. Someone posted “this is not about you its about him.” Yes. Of course. Its all about him. Do we really need to go there? nope. Who needs that? Who wants to indulge someone who is all about themselves at the moment? He’s not relationship material if that is what you’re wondering. I wouldn’t go. I’d wait it out and see if his desire for contact is sincere or a conquest. I’m not going to be someone’s “mission.” I’ve had two exes who played that “I have to see you” card. Its because they can’t manipulate you on the phone. Whatever he needs to say, if it was that important and couldn’t wait, he would tell you any way he could. Phone, email, text, letter, card… if it was so important, such a revelation that he couldn’t wait to tell you he would’ve already told you. He wants to see you to drive the point home with the sexual tension and his charm that he knows you will be receptive to. Don’t set yourself up. JMO!
If you’re attracted to him, go for coffee and see what he’s all about. You can’t suss out his true intentions over the phone or by asking your blog audience. Recall my comment from another post, look at every these connections as networking opportunities, not as an automatic roll in the hay.
If you’re concerned about him being shady, tell him right off the bat that you’re not interested in him romantically. This is a good test, if he responds negatively then you know he doesn’t have the right stuff.
Well if he’s trying to make amends as many of us surmised, it doesn’t sound much like a networking opportunity to me. (Or very likely that he’s grown, or gained wisdom or any of the other possibilities posed.)He stressed urgency, yet didn’t get back in touch right away when you agreed to a day.
Whether it’s 12 steps or 10 steps, it doesn’t sound much like it will benefit you in any way. Sure it can’t hurt, but why bother? It will clear his conscience, but he was the only one bothered by it, so I definitely agree that it’s about him. (And his ISSUE, whatever that may be.)This is screaming recovery to me!
Oh good grief…we’re all to the point where we’re gonna start throwing money into the pot…what odds are the Vegas bookies giving it???
Now you HAVE to go just to settle it! Ha!
Trish’s last blog post…Swirling around in my head…
For pity’s sake go. Doesn’t sound fishy to me…AAish… Christian…getting older…getting married…incurable disease…..
I think this is about him not you and him which is ok.
Don’t get hooked by your crush (again)..it’s only coffee
Here’s my advice.
Hang up.
Ex’s are ex’s for a reason and should stay that way.
TRUST ME.
Julie’s last blog post…I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaack
If this is a test, it’s one I would absolutely fail. I could not resist the request and I would NEED to know what is up with him coming around all of a sudden after so long. That’s totally girly, right?! I say go go go and tell tell tell. I’m guessing he’s in AA or something and working on that apologizing step. Who knows.
Andrea’s last blog post…Crossing over to the DARK SIDE…
I’m with Nancy & Ruth. The universe is testing you and there is a definite reason he just HAS to see you RIGHT NOW! WARNING!
Seriously, unless you’re looking to indulge this little fantasy of his (and yours) don’t go there. Don’t respond anymore. You said Thursday is perfect and he didn’t respond immediately? WRONG!
It’s obvious you’re looking for something more – if he’s really got his heart and head in the right place he’ll be willing to bend over backwards to keep touch with you now and try to right his wrong.
My advice – make him contact you three times without a response from you, on the fourth – it’s your call if it’s worth it.
While it may sound harsh and calculated, why waste your time? You’re too amazing to not expect the BEST from any man.
BlueBella’s last blog post…Near Miss