An ex is calling. Advice?

by singlemomseeking on October 5, 2008

An ex-boyfriend emailed me this week, after six years of almost no contact. Well, he wasn’t really even a boyfriend.

If you read my book, you might remember Adam. He’s the hot Jewish single dad who works in law enforcement.

In 2002, I’d seen him around the neighborhood. He rode a motorcycle. He was bald. I found out that his daughter was friends with my landlord’s daughter. So I asked for his number.

“That was very bold,” he told me when I cold-called him one night.

He asked if I wanted to come to his home for dinner — with our daughters, as friends. He was a great cook. Soon, we were having dinner once a week — with our daughters.

Sometimes, after eating, our girls watched a movie. He and I went into the hot tub together without the kids. But he never came onto me.

And I never came onto him because he’d told me straight out, early on: “I like you, I enjoy your company, but I don’t want to sleep with you.”

Well, okay then.

Maybe he was sleeping with someone else on the side. Maybe he wasn’t attracted to me.

I would have slept with him. For sure. And he knew this.

One night, after a glass of wine, we shared one long kiss. That was it.

But we weren’t dating. This was about keeping each other company over dinner, with our kids. Not more.

~~~

So, you can imagine my surprise when Adam emailed me this week.

“Coffee,” he wrote in the subject line.

In the past six years, I’d run into him exactly two times. One time, his fiance was with him. I later heard they’d broken up.

His email to me this week was one line:

“Any chance you feel like meeting me for coffee next week?”

Excuse me.

This guy hasn’t called me or emailed me for years — and now he wants to have coffee?

But I was intrigued. Some crushes don’t get crushed.

I wrote back: “Wow, is this THE Adam? I might have time on Thursday for coffee–”

He wrote back: “What are you doing this evening? Can I call you? I need to speak to you.”

On the phone, he told me that he’d burned a lot of bridges over the years. He explained that he was on a mission to find people from his past whom he’d hurt.

I’d never heard him talk so openly about his feelings. Maybe he was in therapy?

“Are you dating anyone?” he asked me.

“No,” I said. “I don’t want to be dating anyone right now.”

Him: “You don’t?”

I sighed. Something was shady.

Adam had never seemed interested in me like that. Why now? All of a sudden?

“I think about you a lot, still,” he said.

“You do?” I asked. “But we haven’t seen each other for years. Why are you telling me this now?”

“I really would like you see you,” he said. “Thursday should work. I’ll call you later this week.”

In my gut, something is fishy here.

I’m not sure if I should see him.

We weren’t able to remain friends: that’s because I wanted more back then. I remember how easily he let me go. We never spoke again. It hurt.

My life is drama-free, and I like it that way.

Should I see him?

Have you ever had an ex blast back into your life from the past?

Didn’t you feel a little cynical, too?

Photo by Steve Todey

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{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

Kevin October 6, 2008 at 7:00 pm

I don’t see what would be wrong with coffee. Yeah, something sounds shady, and yeah, he probably realizes that you’d have been great with him back in 2002 and he is now having remorse. But coffee can’t hurt. It can’t be anymore dangerous than the UPS-man trip. See what this guy has to say, and as one of your readers said, if you like it, fine. If not, as Fleetwood Mac put it, “You Can Go Your Own Way!”

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single mommy October 6, 2008 at 7:26 pm

Sounds to me like your “drama” radar works just fine. I’d go for coffee continuing to trust your instincts.

single mommy’s last blog post…It’s been a year

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NappyKitchen October 6, 2008 at 8:09 pm

I’m with Julie. Don’t do it, Rachel!

I’ve been in similar situations more than I care to count. Sometimes a man (or woman) will go through a lonely and rough spot. They then will decide to attach themselves to what is ‘familiar’ and on some subconscious level ‘safe’ because they KNOW that chances are pretty good that they will not be rejected.

Perhaps this is the case with Adam.

But … if he looks like the guy in the picture …. go for it! Just kidding.

NappyKitchen’s last blog post…Barack Obama or Hair Weave?

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singlemomseeking October 6, 2008 at 9:09 pm

For the record, he DOES look like the photo, eerily so.

You can see my predicament.

I’ll let you know…

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jeanie October 6, 2008 at 11:42 pm

For mine – one comment he made was straight from AA.

jeanie’s last blog post…A dress, addresses and addressing life

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T October 7, 2008 at 7:04 am

He looks like that? Wow. You know how I love bald men…

T’s last blog post…Breathe

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Christy October 7, 2008 at 7:37 am

Something is fishy. Since he knows you wanted more then, maybe he wants more now… or maybe just sex.

I would be curious. You are in a great place- as far as not wanting a relationship. And if he wanted more, you don’t. It could be from the powers above to see if you are easily tempted.

And are you really a “wrong” he needs to “right”? Sounds like even though you wanted more, he was honest about not wanting anything but friendship from you.

I have had one ex come back from my past and no good came of it. If it was enough to end years ago, let that be enough to not go back.

You might be WAY to tempted to meet up with him.

Rachel: Have you heard from him since you emailed him back?

Christy’s last blog post…Great bonuses in addition to making extra money !

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Charlotte October 7, 2008 at 7:53 am

I guess he’s not very into you – the real you. He’s just lonely and remembers you being into him and available. I’d go very slow with this one.

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Paige October 8, 2008 at 12:08 am

The first thing I thought was that he was a recovering alcoholic too.

I say meet him, let him say what he needs to say, but the ball, ultimately, is in your court.

Paige’s last blog post…Drunk Bull Terriers who Laugh at Kathy Griffin

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VJ October 8, 2008 at 12:35 am

OK so this may be…

1.) The universe’s way of telling you that he reads your blog.

2.) Or has read your book and is intrigued.

3.) Or that he no longer looks anything like the picture.

4.) He has a court case for custody/support for his kids & needs you as a long standing ‘character witness’.

5.) Ditto for any other outstanding legal issues you may be useful to aid in.

6.) He’s in between GF’s/FB’s/FWBs and is going down a very outdated ‘little black book’/ email contact list.

7.) He too needs an job and has been a ‘writer’ now for a few years and is looking for an agent to sell his first book.

8.) Has a hot new blog/blog services/network services he’d like to sell or cross promote.

9.) Needs you as a reference to call his current flame/GF/FB/FWB and tell them what a swell guy he was way back when.

10.) He’s bored & horny.

There you go. Take to a bookie and make it a contest. I’m tending toward the mercurial explanations myself, but they tell me I’m too cynical. ‘but I can’t keep up!’ Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

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Amber October 8, 2008 at 12:39 am

For some reason, at one point or another all of my exes come back. Maybe they remember they had it good with me, or maybe it’s something else, but it happens, even when I don’t want it to. I know that your curious to find out what he wants and hell, so am I, so I say go and hear what he has to say. Be careful, because his reasons for not wanting to carry the relationship further at the time that he had the opportunity may still be there. He seemed very standoffish back then and for some men, it’s a challenge for the woman to pursue them and then they can tell them to step off. For others, they are just plain not interested. So, this begs the question of why he’s so interested now. I think that you should definitely walk in there a skeptic and if he wants to date or do something like that, remember that you don’t know him anymore. It’s been almost 6 years! People change. You have no idea what he could have been doing or what and vice versa. So, if you choose to, take a moment and get to know him and take it slow. I wouldn’t commit fast, in no way shape or form, because there is a past there and you want to make sure that he doesn’t say that he changed his mind and that he needs to take a break or some other cop out like that. Cute is one thing, but it’s what’s inside that counts. Don
t fall quickly, because you don’t want to get your feelings hurt, again. I look forward to reading your blog again!

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dadshouse October 8, 2008 at 12:04 pm

Am I the only one here who doesn’t get your “shady” perception of this guy? I mean, reading your post, you say you liked him before, and you’re still attracted to him. What is so shady about him contacting you, perhaps with renewed feelings? Or perhaps without renewed feelings – maybe he just wants coffee.

The whole “shady” thing is really creeping me out. I feel like everyone is jumping to conclusions. Why is everyone reacting that way?

Maybe it’s just me, and I totally missed something you wrote. Or maybe I’m sensitive to a bunch of women piling on against a guy for no reason I can discern.

dadshouse’s last blog post…College Daze

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singlemomseeking October 8, 2008 at 1:35 pm

Dad’s House: More will be revealed.

I’m furiously trying to write about what happened next… And you’ll see.

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Attainingme October 9, 2008 at 11:35 am

Wow . . . Now I am engaged and anxious to find out what happened. Get that post up!

Attainingme’s last blog post…What I want in a man

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Asian Single Mom October 9, 2008 at 8:11 pm

When exes call mysteriously, it’s because they’re lonely. He is probably interested in you now.

p.s. where are you getting these random stock photos of men?

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tanasie October 10, 2008 at 12:02 pm

On a mission to find people from his past whom he hurt? Sounds like he’s in a 12-step group. My parents are in 12-step groups and they circle through the steps and I cannot tell you how much I hate it when they get to the make amends step. Ugh.

Weirdly, I have had like five Jews from Christmas past who I haven’t talked to in AGES e-mail me this week to send a little happy new year note. Maybe it’s because Rosh Hashanah is a time for reflection. Or maybe their mother’s were on their case as to why they can’t find a nice Jewish girl. A guy I went on one date with 1 1/2 years ago e-mailed and another guy I dated three years ago… And another guy I dated many years ago now wants to come visit me. We live across the country now. I asked him why he didn’t want to date when we lived in the same town. He said “Bad Timing.” I’m not sure why the timing is better to him now that I live far away. But maybe the 1,400 mile space between us appeals to him.
It doesn’t sound like you guys had a BAD relationship before, so I would probably meet him for coffee. It’s not like you dated and he cheated on you and stomped on your heart. Then I would tell you to tell him to go away.
Go get coffee and let us know what happens. It’s hard to find a hot, Jewish guy who doesn’t annoy you.
But, I do think he’s in AA or something. So, be careful.

tanasie’s last blog post…Avocado Matzo Balls

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singlemomseeking October 10, 2008 at 1:39 pm

Tanasie: That’s because it’s Yom Kippur this week! This is the Jewish holiday following The New Year, in which you say sorry and forgive.

That’s amazing that FIVE Jews have connected with you again this week. What good Jews.

I’m going to post an update now about…. the Hot Will-You-Forgive Me Jew.

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tanasie October 12, 2008 at 9:59 am

Didn’t you say that he want to meet you for coffee on Thursday — aka Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. Maybe he’s reform. (Or maybe he forgot it was Yom Kippur. I rsvp’d yes to some women and journalism event thing when I realized I had to go pray.)

Or maybe he didn’t want to bother to ask God’s forgiveness — he just wanted YOURS.

Maybe.

tanasie’s last blog post…Let’s Play a Game, he said.

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susan October 21, 2008 at 4:29 pm

As one post stated, he could be gay. I mean, you were in a hot tub with a hot guy,drinking wine and he didn’t come onto you? Very strange.

Frankly, I wouldn’t meet him. Blow him off like he did you and then went six years to call or at least several weeks. I dated this guy over the summer fir 2 months who “acted” like he was head over heels for me, then I went on vacation and after I came back he ignored my texts and nothing since.If he calls now I would deal with him cause he didn’t have the decensy to let me know he didn’t want to date anymore. That says a lot about someones character. Take contol and don’t be so accomadating and jump. He’ll think you’re needy and you’d be feeding his ego. Maybe you’re in a serious relationship for all he knows. I wouldn’t trust this guy.

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Beth November 10, 2008 at 4:08 pm

On the phone, he told me that he’d burned a lot of bridges over the years. He explained that he was on a mission to find people from his past whom he’d hurt.>>

He’s doing the atonement thing and it’s bs….he’ll do the same thing next year and the next and the next….I got a note from a jewish guy that had done about the same thing and thought ” don’t make me make you feel good a hole”

There’s other fish in the sea and his story isn’t going to be worth the shampoo you wash your hair with before you go have coffee…..

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