I know that many of you have tweens or teens. And I officially have one now, too.
As you might also know, my kid is a huge fan of pop stars like the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus — all of whom wear promise rings, or “purity rings.”
In case you missed the Video Music Awards this week, a ‘promise ring’ debate was spurred after VMA host Russell Brand derided the Jonas Brothers for their purity vow.
That night, VMA’s host took a shot at the three Jonas Brothers and their vow to remain virgins until marriage.
In response, singer Jordin Sparks proudly showed off her own purity ring and shot back:
“I just have one thing to say about promise rings,” she announced to the audience. “It’s not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody — guy or girl — wants to be a slut.”
Will I buy my kid a promise ring in a few years?
I doubt it. I hope that our relationship is open and honest enough that we’ll talk.
When I put this question out to Facebook, my writer friend Ericka Lutz – mom of a teen — said:
“Uhhh, in a word or seven, ‘Are you out of your friggin’ mind?’ They don’t work and just lead to lies and hypocrisy.”
A single mom who reads this blog added:
“No way, no how. I’d rather my daughter know all there is to know about safe sex and feel confident in exploring her sexuality. Committing to a vow of chastity leads to…I don’t know…Bristol Palin?”
If any of you have tween or teen kids, I’d love to hear what you think about promise rings… Clearly, there are single parents all across the country who believe in them.
Photo of the Jonas Brothers at 2008 MTV Video Music Awards from PRPhotos.com
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I wouldnt actively go out and buy them one.
But if its something they wanted to do then I wouldnt discourage them from doing it!
I also hope when that point comes our r/ship is open enough to talk about it and for them to make informed choices!
Laurakim is correct – it’s a decision they make for themselves. Obviously, forcing them to wear one doesn’t do anything. I think it’s great – there’s enough stereotypes going around that all teens are having sex every day and if you aren’t, there’s something wrong with you. My kid’s high school has a chastity club. I’m all for teenagers pushing against peer pressure.
My kids are 23 and 20.
I started early with open communication and sex education with them.
Ultimately, they are going to decide for themselves .. a ring won’t stop them just as much as an offer to help with B/control and condoms doesn’t promote it.
It’s all about a level of freedom to talk about it between teens and parents. Developing the trust that they can come to you anytime to talk about it.
I feel that has to come from within the teen and if that’s something they want to do then i’ll support their decision. Open communication is the key. Talking to them about sex with age appropriate conversation is the key. This way they will learn to trust you and can come to you with the good, the bad and the ugly
Rings=disgusting.
The rings just force the teens wearing them (or not wearing them!) to discuss (or lie about) their sex lives in front of the world. Mainly for the world’s entertainment and titillation. And that’s just sick.
Like when Britney Spears declared she was a virgin–it just made everyone speculate like mad about her sex life. It was a calculated way to get everyone to focus on her as a sexual object, and SURPRISE it worked!
Suddenly even half-way respectable news magazines and CNN started writing articles about the state of her hymen. Yuck.
Teens should know the REAL truth:
1) You are more than your sex life. And
2) It’s nobody’s business but your own.
Yep, I agree with Laurakim. If they wanted to do it, I would definitely support their decision. I also disagree with Jordin Sparks referring to those who don’t wear them as “sluts”. Just because a teenager or young adult has had sex, it doesn’t make them a slut.
I would like to think that my children will feel open enough with me to discuss it. I would rather them talk to me than fall to peer pressure to go one way or the other. I think it is ultimately up to the person whether or not they choose to have sex before marriage. It doesn’t make them “bad” or “sluts” to do it. I would hate for my child to wear one because “all her friends are doing it” and then feel ashamed should she wish to experience something beautiful with a boyfriend that she is in love with.
Gosh do I remember the guilt the first time I did it…
I would rather my girls know that it is up to them and they can still be healthy and happy about their decision and not feel judged by society.
Whew! Ask me this again in about 10 years…
Phil: Your kid’s school has a “chastity club”?
Please explain. What the heck does that mean?
As all of you have said, of course, I’ll encourage my kid to be patient and conscious… and everyone here mentions trust. A biggie.
I encourage education and trust. In the end, it is up to my daughter, but I want to ensure that she understands the reality of the act… and the potential results! She needs to be accountable to herself. She will have all the love, trust, and information that she needs!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the rings. It’s great that, in this day and age when being sexually active is almost considered mandatory to fit in with society, some kids take enough pride in their virginity that they are willing to wear a ring to show it off to their peers. That shows that they have a high self worth and aren’t worried about being teased for waiting.
However, I wouldn’t force anything like that on my daughter. That doesn’t do any good. If she chooses to wear one, I’m all for it. But at the same time, I’ll teach her about safe sex too. Not doing so is like having a pool and not teaching your kids to swim because you already told them to stay away from the pool.
I do plan to encourage both of my kids to remain pure until marriage. It is something that I did when I got married; and hope to share with them. Even though sometimes mistakes happen, if you make a commitment with yourself where your boundaries lie before getting wrapped up in ‘the moment,’ its a lot easier to abstain than if you don’t make that commitment. And if a ring helps to signify that commitment as a reminder to yourself and others, I don’t have a problem with a promise ring. Good for them for being willing to sacrifice their media showing as superstars by being bold with a statement like abstinence. You hear enough of the slut activity, can we not hear about a few select that choose to make a decision for the opposite? Even if they make a mistake – they tried to be sincere about it.
How cool is that for a teenager to let the world know that you’re proud of being a virgin and that you’re not in a hurry to start having sex. I think the ring sends a message saying that it’s ok to be “pure”—it’s really about damn time that being a virgin is something to be proud of as a teenager.
I had sex when I was 14 and felt like a dirty, dirty woman for years and years. And, yes, my mother and I spoke openly about having sex prior to losing my virginity. I even told her afterwards–she cried and cried. I felt so bad that I didn’t do again until I was 18—but I did live with that shame for many years.
Avigail, thanks for such an honest open comment.
I encourage waiting. I will gently encourage my daughter to wait — and I hope that other mothers/fathers will encourage the same with their sons.
But it’s the word “purity” that really bothers me. As if having sex is impure.
Does anyone else have a reaction the “purity”?
Mothers and fathers of sons, let’s hear from you!
Teenagers can be intelligent, wonderful people – but they are children and they aren’t ready for the responsibility of parenthood. A teenage brain is still forming and lacks the experience to make good decisions. As a parent, I believe its my responsibility to discourage sex – not necessarily til marriage, but not in high school in my house. I would never say “it’s your choice”. You need to set boundaries.
The chastity club…my kids are not in it, so I don’t know too much about it. My son’s girlfriend is very involved. (perfect!) It’s just about showing other kids that some teenagers don’t need to have sex.
Yeah, because there’s no middle ground between “virgin” and “slut”. Good grief!
No, my daughter will not be encouraged by me to wear a promise ring (she’s 15).
We’ve had many discussions not just about sex (carry condoms with you!) but about the dangers of blindly following what’s “popular” and the dangers inherent in trying to live a binary (black/white, virgin/slut) life.
I have to admit that word “purity” does bother me because I get the feeling that it goes hand in hand with heaven and hell. If you’re pure, you may enter heaven–and if you’re bad, you will burn in hell for eternity. I worry that kids will get too consumed with whether or not they are pure—and then give up trying.
I like the idea of wearing a ring that shows off being proud of being a virgin—but I don’t like of the words “purity” and “virgin” going together as if they were synonyms. I hope I’m making sense.
I won’t encourage my 16 year old to wear one. No way! I think they’re like putting your head in the sand. Sex happens at some point. If their sex education is abstinence + a promise ring, they’ll be in big trouble when their hormones kick in big time some night.
I’ve already talked to my daughter about sex. We’ve had follow up conversations. She doesn’t want to get pregnant until she’s in her 30s, and that resolve comes from within. She doesn’t need a pinky ring to remind her.
btw – she’s a big Jo-Bro fan (Jonas Brothers fan). But she really could care less whether they are having sex or not.
I think we are losing focus here of the point in the matter if we are getting overly concerned about using the term “purity” when it is for all intents and purposes of this dialogue to reference remaining free from sex. If the term implies you are only going to heaven if you are pure, I think we are bringing a whole other conversation into this picture. Jesus died to make a way for us because we all make mistakes. Every single one of us have our own to embrace. Remaining pure or a virgin until marriage doesn’t guarantee that trip to heaven. But remaining a virgin will keep a teenage girl from having a baby that I have to support through my taxes.
I will most likely get my daughters one. It is not so much a ‘vow of chastity’ in my eyes, but a promise to wait until they are old enough to understand the choices they are making.
Studies show that the biggest deterrent to children having sex before they are ready (yes, these are all children we are talking about – under 18) is knowing that their parents would be dissapointed in them (that goes for drugs too). I don’t mean disappointed that they had sex in general, but maybe moreso if they don’t think it all way through, down to love and safety and all the “what if’s”.
It is a physical reminder of all the talks that I have had/ will have with them about making positive choices in their lives.
So they don’t end up a single mom with four kids because they got married too young.
I also have another reason they need to be careful. I am a carrier of a genetic disease that was not discovered until my yougest daughter was born (her father is also a carrier). Which means any of my other kids could pass the disease onto their children… I can not imagine going through what we have been through in the last three years… at the age of 17 or younger.
As a father of a 13yr old.. Honest discussions is the key. There’s no way I want such a personal choice to be on display. I’d rather have healthy dialog, than dealing with hypocrisy or even disappointment or failure of living up to expectations. My focus is on education and making good choices in life.
Who are these people and what the monkeys is a purity ring?
I can see why Mr Brand would lay into that. It really wouldn’t work in the UK. There’s nothing wrong with keeping hold of your hymen until when you want to get rid of it, but I would think the masses don’t like someone who brags about it and indicates their intention with a piece of jewellery.
Plus you are just setting yourself up for a huge fall upon maturity, A la the lovely Miss Spears.
I had a strong reaction to “purity” and “slut” also…they definitely set up an us vs. them conflict that doesn’t need to be there. It’s your choice and your values and I agree with some other commenters, when to have sex should be a private thing. If I had kids, I would definitely educate out the wazoo and strongly discourage against waiting, but that’s me.
With that being said, I think abstinence-only education is folly. It’s far better to know and make a decision NOT to have sex than not know anything and make mistakes, which is what a lot of teens will do. Note the stat in the MSNBC article, over 400,000 babies were born in 2006 to women ages 15-19! Look at those numbers again and tell me that’s not a big problem.
Single Parent Dad: We must seem a little, uh, different over here, yes?
“Keep hold of your hymen.” That would make an excellent blog post title.
To the parents who do plan on giving their kids rings, I respect you.
I have boy and girl twins and I plan to give them both similar advice about everything. Like most other people here I’ll encourage them to wait and make informed choices. I want my son and daughter to both have the same values when it comes to sex, drugs, alcohol, and all the other important decisions ahead of them. I also want them to understand my values whether they agree with me or not.
Safe sex is a misnomer. There is so much bodily contact and fluid contact during sex that condoms and other precautions do very little to prevent the spread of disease. Symptoms that they list in high school text books are misleading because symptoms can vary by strain or not show up at all. It is actually plausible ( I know people that have experienced this ) that you may show no symptoms at all, have no idea you are infected, and can be contagious enough to spread the disease, with or without a condom. The only thing that condoms are really good at is preventing pregnancy, but I think that is between 80 and 90% effective.
Our children will make their own choices regardless of what we teach the about abstinence or safe(r) sex. People talk about educating children, but are they really educating them, giving them in a false sense of security, or trying to control them ?
We all make promises, and we all break them. We all have our hypocritical moments too.
Mostly I think that deriding someone for a choice they have made, either way, is a bad idea. There either is no right answer for this issue, or there are several.
Either way, when you start telling someone that they are wrong about what they decide to do or not do with their bodies you are on very shaky ground.
I think promise rings are great!
If a kid is wearing one, they are making a statement out loud to everyone. It may also help as a reminder when in a situation where they may be feeling pushed into sex.
I equate to a wedding ring. Making a decision and letting the world know….(some may cheat while wearing a wedding ring/married….some may not cheat because of that visual statement..some hold true to it’s meaning.
It doesn’t mean that my daughter doesn’t know about sex..I don’t want her having it in high school..she might or she might not.
I find it quite sad that our “children” (and they are children until they reach 18) should have to decide in advance not to have sex and to feel they should wear a ring to formally and publicly announce that. It should not be an option at that age! Call me old fashioned – well yes I am, but even with trust and discussions, I have not encouraged mine to have a particular boyfriend or girlfriend until they are in college. Friends, yes, but not more. They are just too young to control their bodies and consider the life changing consequences of having sex with a partner. I think that socially we as parents are starting to accept teenage sex as an option. It should not be.
I am a 31 year old single woman and I have a promise ring.
Meaning, I’m not giving it up until I find the man that wants to marry me.
Will I also give one to my children? No. Rather, I will talk to them and give them the OPTION of putting it on their finger.
I have worked very hard to instill in my children that they should wait to have sex until they are married. But they have to buy into it. I can’t dictate to them that they should or shouldn’t do it. I could.
But it wouldn’t do me any good. My parents taught me about sex. I was a rebel. They could’ve put anything they wanted to on my finger and I would’ve done what I wanted.
So that’s my stance. I’m going to talk to my kids and be open. I’m going to share with them my struggles and expereiences and my stance now.
And I think it’s great that they are taking a stand for their purity (the celebs). I just pray that they stick to it. It’s an AWESOME role model for children today, but only if they are serious. I wish there were more people who would publically talk about abstinence.
Just my two cents.
Promise rings = wedding rings? WTF!?
Certainly most teenagers are too immature to make the kind of commitment a wedding ring is a symbol of! How could anyone possibly equate the two?
Especially when the same “pro-promise-ring” people appear to insist that teenagers are “of course” too immature to even have sex. How, then are they “mature” enough to make a commitment equal to marriage?
Your logic, it doesn’t make sense to me.
Fact is, most people will begin having sex sometime before they’re 20 years old. Whether their parents like it or not, whether they’re married or not, whether their religious or not, whether they have sex ed or not, whether they have birth control or not.
Even if their Mom is a radical ambitious super-Christianized politicial bent on world domination.
There are too many people who are unwilling to admit that having sex as a teenager (or in your early 20’s) is a perfectly normal developmental stage.
Denying this fact is just idiotic!
Taking that head-in-the-sand approach is just guaranteed to give your kid either 1) a guilt complex, or 2) a baby. (or both!)
I vehemently object to the tone on this thread that implies that once a child has sex (even once!) they are somehow “impure”.
Whereas those those who are keeping their “purity” are somehow different.
That is just perverted thinking.
It is just wrong to label and define anyone by their sexual history. Or lack thereof.
I thought we were “over” the idea that women are only worth something if they are “virgins”? Why would you encourage your kids to define themselves this way?
Please, people, give your kids the same respect you’d like for yourself.
Here’s the post that has my stance on it…
http://www.desperatelyseekingsanity.com/2008/09/13/promises