I remember the day last year when one of my favorite single mom bloggers — Emily Listfield at Redbook magazine — called it quits:
“When Redbook first asked me to share my dating adventures I was thrilled,” Emily wrote in her last post. “I really believed (and still do!) there’s too little attention paid to single moms and their desire — their right! — for romance.”
And then there was a but…
“But there were a lot of side effects I hadn’t predicted,” Emily wrote.
“First of all, writing a dating blog made me un-dateable! Seriously. I quickly discovered that no guy wants to see his personal life up on the web…. Even men I truly cared about and assured I would protect told me that they had to think about everything they said to me. Dating is hard enough — and men find it difficult enough to open up! — without the threat of that kind of exposure.”
Does this resonate with any of you?
So many of you blog about your dating life as a single parent. I know — because I read your blogs.
If you blog anonymously, let loose! But for those of us who blog with our names right there, I’d love to know:
- Do you tell your date that you blog?
- If you don’t say anything, do you worry that your date will Google you before you go out?
At this point, I sometimes feel like I’ve got to give up blogging about men… or find an open, honest male blogger who “gets it.” Know what I mean?
Photo by the Saint
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This is a great question and one I’ve asked myself many times in the past month. I’ve only been blogging for four months but already I’ve had dates find my blog before I could mention it.
Its a double edge sword, no doubt about it. But here is how I am looking at it now. I compare it to the record companies today. When people started copying music files the companies cried fowl and tried to do whatever they could to stop the stealing. Now they have realized that you can never stop the file sharing. But, you can stem the flow by offering a compelling alternative, i.e. high quality digital recording available for a fair price. Lesson learned? You cannot control even your own data. If you don’t share it, other people will.
So what does this have to do with single parent blogs? Well, the way I see it, other people are going to google you, period. They can either get their information about you from other bloggers and myspace pages, or from your own blog. You are the only one who can tell your story accurately and put yourself in the best light.
I have already resigned myself to the fact that the next generation will have far less privacy than any other in history. The goal now is not to hide away the facts of your life, but to try and manage how they are found and interpreted. And I also hope for the best, for example, that certain social courtesies will evolve from the shared acknowledgement that our information is out there, and that usually it is best to just leave it alone and let the other person reveal themselves in their own way.
Time will tell. I don’t mind being on the front lines and being a sitting duck to see how this plays out. I’m curious to know. And I’m grateful and respectful of other bloggers who have preceded me and weren’t afraid to take chances and put their cards on the table.
If nothing else, it has kind of shown me that we (single parent bloggers) pretty much deal with the same issues and obsess over the same problems in the world of dating. It seems we have more in common than not. And this might help take away some of the titillating curiosity of peering into other peoples’ lives. We pretty much want and fear very similar things.
Jim Everson’s last blog post..My Secrets Are Safe
Yes it can ruin your dating life. Even when I write under a sir name and refer to my dates by initials. I’ve had a couple dates stumble upon my site. And lets just say the comments they left on my site wasn’t a love note. Relationship over.
It wouldn’t scare me to know that someone is writing about me. It would make my life easier. At least I would know what they are thinking, feeling, or what ever.
I’m not exactly sure when I would tell someone about my blog. I’ll probably take suggestions from my readers when I get that far into a relationship.
Jim, I love the fact — thanks to my new “CommentLuv” feature — that your “My Secrets Are Safe” post follows your comment. Ah, the irony!
Yes, exactly: for those of us who blog under our real names, we need talk honestly about what privacy means. On the front line, yes?
Eathan: You were one of the bloggers I had in mind when I wrote this post. You write very, uh, candidly about what happens on your dates… and I wondered if any of the women had found out. Apparently so.
Single mamas out there?
I havent experienced it runing my dating life cos it hasnt really come up as yet!
The guy I am currently seeing does know about it – he knows I write about him and while he isnt jumping over the moon about it – he accepts it! He chooses not to read it.
Like Jim said – noone can tell my story better than me and really whats the difference between sharing with your friends or writing it down? Its really the same thing – well thats the way I see it anyway!
I wouldnt have an issue if a guy I was dating mentioned me in his blog – provided he wasnt using my full name or slagging me off ;-p
Laura’s last blog post..Tough Love
I just started blogging in the past week and right now I’m trying to keep it very anonymous. My biggest concern right now is that the ex might stumble onto something he could try to use against me. Once the divorce is final that might change. I have wondered reading some of the single parent blogs whether the dates knew they were being discussed. I’m with Eathan…I’d love to know that my date had a blog. Not only would it be flattering but it certainly would make it easier to understand them. I do think it would be important to hear about it from them rather than just stumbling onto it though. I might feel a little betrayed if I found out that I was being discussed on the internet “behind my back”. So many issues to consider…
Two things I never blog about: specific dates and work. I feel totally comfortable discussing feelings about dating in general, but never any specifics. I think it could/would take away from the organic friendship/relationship I would like to experience someday with my future partner. But I like to read other people’s stuff. =)
Jonathan’s last blog post..Dare You to Move
Wow!! This is a great topic of discussion. I like what Eathan said about “at least I would know what they are thinking.” So true!!
My soldier can’t access my blog from his camp in Iraq. I talk about it and send him copies of some posts. I’m not sure if he’d read it if he had access to it. Hmmm… I’ll have to ask him how he feels about it and all that I put “out there”. All that he’s said so far is that its and “interesting phenomenon” that we put our thoughts out there for the world to see. We’ll see!
T’s last blog post..May I hold your flute please?
The internet is the world wide web. Nothing on it is sacred, unless you’re able to be 100% anonymous, and usually ego gets in the way before too long. If we’re being read we eventually want people to know who we are.
On my previous blog I wrote about dates only occasionally – never about a relationship – and there’s a difference.
I think the single-parent dating blogs are great and fun and interesting. I also wonder how much time these people have on their hands to go searching for someone’s blog.
If a blog ruins your dating life, there’s some bigger force at work — like you’re really being revealing or nasty on your blog, or you’re simply dating the wrong men. (like ones who have enough time to peruse the internet for a blog)
AS a general rule, I don’t blog about dating. My theory is that when a man comes along and sticks around awhile then I will tell him about my blog and tell him that he may show up there. That hasn’t really happened yet.
One of the reasons I don’t blog about dating is because I have the most horrid dating stories and I don’t want to hurt feelings even if I thought the guy was horrible as a date. But trust me, my readers would love to hear about them.
This week I wrote a review and talked about dating but it’s been more than 18 months and we’ve all moved on.
Ideally, yes, I would find a man who “Gets” it.. and I’m currently totally crushing a guy who does, here locally, and blogs. But right now, we’re just friends, and I’m okay with that too.
I’m pretty careful about not blogging about people though so as to not offend anyone.
oh and i don’t tell dates about my blog. Not right away. As far as dating goes, I’ve only ever shared it with one person and then felt totally vulnerable after wards.
However, if they find it on their own, I don’t mind.
But I did have an awesome BlogHer story that I wanted to write about, about a guy that I met there adn spent the evening walking the streets with him, and talking, but felt that I couldn’t because I was “seeing” (I still don’t know what that means) someone and he knew about my blog and I didn’t want to appear that I didn’t like him or that I was off screwing around in SF. Even though, I really wasn’t.
I started telling potential dates in the recent months about my blog…. but now I am wondering if I should have! Before I could share info about the dates on the blog, and on and on… but now I feel I must filter the info while we are still going out, because they read it. Also I am noticing it is a little annoying when they think they know how I am going to answer a question, “because they have read my blogs” when maybe they don’t get it after all! They think they know me… but in reality… it is just my blog.
Kitkat4real aka SOLO dot MOM’s last blog post..Single Parents, We Will Survive
I had this exact issue in mind before I started my blog, so I decided to go with a pseudonym to protect myself. It’s also important because we blog about sex, in detail, and that would be hazardous to my office life if that got around.
I usually (not always) blog about dates and encounters in the past, at least a month or so, particularly if the situation has been resolved…which is a nice way of saying we’re not seeing each other any more. I have blogged about current dates and I do worry about negative reactions should any of those people tune in.
I’d love to find and date someone who thinks the blog is cool, but I’m not at a point where I’m comfortable revealing that to my partners.
Lance’s last blog post..Finances and Dating
I just had to change my blog address because a post I thought was completely innocuous was taken in a very wrong way by my son’s father (we aren’t together). He gave me a hard time about it and I simply took the blog down (and reposted it under a new address). I may make it private or open to invited readers only.
I need to actually *have* a dating life first! Then I’d blog about it, and then I’d see if it had any affect! I do blog about my ex though, and since he doesn’t even know my blog exists, it’s not a problem!
JulieR’s last blog post..My Dad
Does commenting ruin your dating life too? I could use another excuse.
For all of you who blog, but think it’s okay because the person doesn’t know about it – you need to be careful, because they eventually will. You can take down your blog whenever you want, but Google and other sites archive most everything. (I’ve read old SMS posts in the internet archive.)
Don’t misunderstand me – I think you are all very brave and amazingly open and honest, but blogging isn’t private.
I totally blog anonymously and also use a pseudonym. I haven’t regretted it once, and really, haven’t told anyone about my blog. My family doesn’t know, my dates don’t know, my daughter doesn’t know
, and only a very FEW close friends know. I’m good with that.
QTMama’s last blog post..Chicago Man, Flowers, and Attraction
I’ll mention my blog if that topic happens to come up in conversation. I haven’t had a date in over a year (bleh), but when I DID have them, I usually ended up blogging twice – one locked post that only my friends could read (and that I could reference again later) that detailed how everything went and what I thought of the guy, and another public, brief one for his benefit (if I thought he might be reading)… something like “Had a nice time with John last night. The movie was great.” That way he doesn’t see all the details, but also doesn’t think the date wasn’t good enough for me to even mention it!
Kelly’s last blog post..Picture Meme Ganked from suburbfabulous
Actually it’s prety easy when you have NO dating life… lol
I’m like Lance, I only blog about dates after the relationship has been resolved. That’s why there are so many dates-gone-bad stories on my blog – I won’t share details of someone I’m currently involved with. It’s not fair to them.
Has my blog hurt my dating life? Nope. I have no problem with anyone reading it, especially since I respect people’s privacy.
In fact, my blog has been GOOD for my dating life, as my post today explains. Turns out some woman dreamed of my blog, found it, found me, and.. well, you can read the story here… http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/09/18/single-moms-dream-man/
dadshouse’s last blog post..You Have a Voice – Don’t Let Blog Badges Steal it
I’m with ya, Vinnie!
Kelly’s last blog post..I’m here to entertain
Excuse me, Dad’s House, but today you blog about a woman whom you have yet to meet. The relationship hasn’t been “resolved”… it has just begun.
I’m not judging you, I’m curious. You’re blogging about a woman you’re interested in, a woman who might be reading your blog (is she?). See what I mean?
When I started three yeas ago when my daughter was born and I was till married – I decided to use our first names. My then husband gave me permission to – and as of yet has not revoked that.
I’ve got a story about a guy I was seeing – and probably will continue to be friends with. I won’t use his real name. But truthfully- anyone currently in my day to day life will know exactly who it is. Yep – sadly that’s because there isn’t much action going on around here.
I tend to be a TMI person anyway – so I try to be careful.
Amy’s last blog post..Journal 106: September 2008
SMS – yep, I blogged today about a woman who I am just entering into a relationship with, so that goes against my rule. But I put the post up with her permission, and I didn’t give any identifying details about her. And yes, she’s reading my blog. She read a lot of my blog posts before contacting me.
This chance meeting I had with her was just too magical not to share. But it doesn’t mean I’ll be willing to write anything more about her, especially if she and I date.
Get it while it’s hot, because there may not be more of her for a long while.
dadshouse’s last blog post..You Have a Voice – Don’t Let Blog Badges Steal it
Got it Dad’s House. Does any of you ask permission before you blog about your date? (I do these days.)
T: I just assumed that your Soldier was reading all of your posts from abroad! Wow, he has a lot of steamy posts to look forward to!
Amy: I know what you mean about TMI…
This very question is the primary reason I haven’t started blogging about my life and personal issues. I’m not ready to deal with the potential consequences. Even blogging about my kids could get dicey if their mom winds up coming across it given the one-sided nature of blogging.
I might be a bit nervous if I knew someone would be blogging about a date later. I’d want to be extra sure I met their expectations and how can you hope to live up to the readers’ expectations?
I think the after it’s over policy is probably a good idea but even that would strike fear in the current partner if you ever hit a rough spot. “How’s this going to come out on the blog?”
SDMktg’s last blog post..Win Tickets to the Fiesta Bowl!
I write a dating column and I always used to write about the guys I was dating. Most of the time the column has only been published on the other side of the country from where I live, but when I was working and publishing in NYC it got a little dicey. But I was always pretty open about it and most guys seemed pretty flattered to be written about . . . others, not so much. Then I had the tables turned on me when two guys I dated got high-profile blog jobs and wrote about me. Yikes.
Judy’s last blog post..Cheesy Behavior
I have blogged about my adventures as a member of a very popular online dating site. My blog is totally anonymous; not a single soul that I know in the real world knows I have it. Well, sorta. Keep reading…
I have shared details, my thoughts, opinions, etc., but nothing graphic or distasteful. While I am honest, I also try to keep my subjects’ feelings in mind.
I have since resigned my membership to the dating site, and have actually come to discover that the last guy I started seeing found my blog before we had even met face to face, and never disclosed to me that he knew about it. And in retrospect, a lot of the stuff he said to me made perfect sense.
I also discovered that the last name he gave me was not his real last name. So I think these bits of deception so early on probably means it’s a good thing it ended when it did.
So what’s the moral of the story? If you blog anonymously, don’t use the same screen name on a dating site that you use for blogging! DUH!
Trish’s last blog post..Oh no, here she goes…
I don’t blog…have never considered it and this site is the only one I respond to and I found out about it through a mutual friend of Rachel’s and mine.
It’s a strange animal..blogging. Is it bragging, confessing, emoting or gossiping to those you don’t even know.
It’s almost like being your own paparazzi….
I don’t blog about single mom dating, I blog about nappy hair. I’m discovering that it is easier to share my thoughts with strangers as opposed to people I know! Is that silly or what?
I have also gone through the pros and cons of showing pictures of my daughter since the blog is a humorous take on keeping black and biracial girls’ hair napptural.
One thing that many of us should keep in mind in regards to privacy is the Who Is record. Your name, address, and phone number may not be on the site, but it will come up in Who Is.
Oh, and kudos! to you Rachel for keeping M’s hair natural.
Vinnie, I totally agree with you.
NappyKitchen’s last blog post..Yesterday I Cried
Well, I think a lot of it depends on why you are blogging. I started as a way of expressing some ideas, practicing writing, ranting, and most of all sharing the adventures and struggles of being a single parent to a very special child. I wanted to be able to share with friends and family what was happening in my life day to day when I couldn’t necessarily call or see everyone. It has evolved of time. I’ve been through some fairly rough spots and the blog became a way for me to release a lot energy as a way to cope.
I’ve learned that I need to be careful what I say about people. Arguments usually arise when two people cannot agree on a particular perspective about something. My blog is my perspective and perception, but as perception is our reality we may not be accurately perceiving the situation and therefore can really offend those we are closest to. Hence the “Don’t believe everything you think” bumper sticker I saw recently which now hangs over my desk at work.
When I broke up with a woman I had been dating for a while this past April, she asked me not to say anything on my blog because we have mutual friends that read it. I knew this and I had already planned not to say anything anyway. I’ve said some extremely not so nice things about other people I had broken up with and realized later that it was the wrong thing to do.
My blog is a bit different as I know that family (including my son), friends, co-workers, and more either found it or I directed them there for something. To that extent it is what I wanted it to be in the first place. It hinders me from talking about certain subjects, but that is why I read and comment on these other blogs! I still have some deeper, and darker eruptions of thought or frustration that come out from time to time, but I do try to keep what I say positive about the people I know and interact with.
I’ve told dates and potential dates about my blog. If you want to get to know me, what I do, how I look at the world, it is probably one of the best ways to do it aside from spending a lot of time with my son and I. Having met a few fellow bloggers recently, I can say if I like your writing and what you write about, I am probably going to really like you. I was going to write this in an entry, but I’ll say it here first: Some say the eyes are the doorway to the soul, but I think that your writing is too. Your writing is your thoughts, your thinking, revealed. It is YOU, at least if you write openly and honestly. If you don’t, it usually manifests in some way. Match.com profiles are usually too short to capture the essence of someone, but a blog can really help you to understand who a person really is, what they are really feeling.
My rule for dating is I try to only say good things about the people I am currently dating, and try not to say anything bad about them if the relationship ends. I generally don’t give any details about sex, etc, mainly because my blog isn’t all that anonymous and many of the people that go there know each other. I apply this whether I am blogging or just talking about them. I won’t lie and say I always follow it, but I try. Hasn’t been a problem in the last several months because I haven’t really dated anyone in a while.
I do let people know they need to be careful how they treat me. Google is forever, and long after we are gone, their deeds may be immortalized somewhere in the compendium of accumulated human knowledge. That is the power of writing, use it wisely.
Crazy Computer Dad’s last blog post..The best thing about ….