Oh boy! Can I relate or what. It is hard when you feel comfortable with that one person to get out there. It took me like 2 years with this one man to realize that I needed to get out there. I had one relationship in between that dating time and now. Now I’m finding myself drifting back to that one man. Why? I really don’t know except he is ‘comfortable’.

Not enough information to say if she should dump the guy… I would only say that she needs to be realistic. She would like a more adventurous younger guy, but wanting isn’t the same as getting. To make a completely stereotyped generalization… most guys (especially the less educated tattooed ones) aren’t looking for an older woman. I’m sure there are exceptions, I’m just saying that it might be hard to find.

I think if she’s not being satisfied, she should get out there. Sure it may be hard to find another “great” guy, but he can’t be too great if she’s expressed how she feels and he’s not willing to work with her! (My advice would be different if she hadn’t already tried talking to him about the situation.)

She’s only 40 and I’m sorry but that is not too old to meet Mr. Right.

And I’m not saying that she should dump him cold turkey. But since they aren’t married and he’s told her that he’s not going to change in the bedroom, she should let him know that she has doubts about the future of the relationship, and that she may start to see other people. That way she’s put it out there and the ball is in his court. He may be more willing to experiment, or not, but she should be open to finding someone else who she’s more sexually compatible with and not stay frustrated with this aspect of their relationship. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship and IMHO, life’s too short to settle.

Because of her current location.. her dating options may be limited. Personally, I can’t be in a relationship that leaves me unsatisfied on any level.. especially sexually. There has to be a potential match of the wild side.
Just my 2 cents..lol

No one has everything.

If they were having great sex and he wasn’t great with her son, then what would she do? She’s see what her options were. I suggest that this man has never been approached about sex before, and that she is going to have to tell him how important it is, not just suggest. Tell. State. He might be embarrassed and even angered to think she is suggesting he doesn’t “do it” for her.

Touchy subject. HA.

And if she decides to let it go and stay with him, then it is to her to deal with it, and not complain. IMO.

Aren’t we all looking for that complete package? In my oppinion, one shouldn’t just settle for something that they aren’t happy with. If there is no room for compromise on both parts, then the relationship is in a bit of trouble. One day she may wake up and (it’s 5 or 10 years down the road)then she wonders why she is very unhappy. Even though something may look good on paper, it may not be the right situation for her. On the other hand, what happens if she finds someone who is great in bed and everything else is also great, but something happens and he is unable to perform again. Will she leave because there is no sex? All I can say is that masterbation is a great thing..lol. Sometimes, that is all it takes to get the other person to try something new.

I am going with Eathan on this one!

I get that in all other areas he is pretty great but an active sex life that is staisfying and adventorous is important to me - I couldnt be with someone who wasnt willing to try new things or at least be open to talking about them.

But I cant say if she should dump him - it would depend on how important hot sex is to her!

‘Screw’ settling for an incomplete relationship, regardless of how well another part of it is going, you’ll could actually end up resenting yourself for accepting an inferior product.

As commented earlier, I would suggest that it is tackled head-on, the ‘gap’ is filled discreetly elsewhere, or a permanent replacement is found.

P.S. Just in and out? How else are you suppose to do it?

Good sex takes work and practice, just like other parts of a relationship. Some people are less comfortable talking about things and more comfortable if someone leads the way. Before you jump out of what may be a very healthy emotional relationship in all other aspects try giving him a guided tour. If it is not a healthy emotional relationship in all other aspects then def. take a break. I myself am not always comfortable taking a sexual “risk” or adventure until the person I am with sometimes leads. I hate talking about it and always just wan to do it. One I we have taken that kind of leap together and I feel safe then i get more adventurous. An old boyfriend used use blindfolds or he would take his hand and gently put it over my eyes to get us to both loosen up. It worked wonders and we both discovered some new tricks. Maybe he doesn’t know what he has been missing until she actually shows him!!!

Cate raises good points, but I’d be hesitant to initiate something when he has already said that he’s not interested. I think that if he were willing and interested, he would have talked more about it with her. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Trying it anyway can be risky, especially if she gets the kind of reaction it sounds like she’s going to get. I say consider other options if this is important to her.

Some of the best sex I ever had was with a guy who used to have very basic routine sex and nothing else. I had to have patience and work with him, I din’t mind because he told me he never tried more because he didn’t think he was very good, not because he wasn’t interested. There’s a big difference!

How ironic that you are not happy that your BF is not willing to take risks with sex YET you are not willing to take risks by leaving a relationship in which you are not satisfied.

If you are not happy get out.
If he cannot meet your needs get out.

However: “where there are mostly less educated tattooed single guys.”

Let me tell you that
one of the better dads I know is a tattoo artist and is married to a bright female who has a corporate position deciding the fate of transportation in our large city.

uneducated does not mean stupid
tattoo does not mean demonic slacker.

First of all, never, EVER, settle for less. I’ve learned the hard way—I ended up having a pretty painful divorce all because I settled for less prior to the marriage. Secondly, DO NOT stay with someone just because he’s good to your kid. Honestly, please don’t shoot me for saying this, I feel that too many single moms stay with a man because of the kid–what about you? My goal as a single parent is to show my daughter what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. Your child will move on one day and then you’ll be with a man, who doesn’t satisfy you.

I wholly agree with Judy about “tattoed men”–never judge a book by it’s cover–the same goes for men. I’ve seen wonderful father who don’t “fit the picture”.

Look up and be willing to take your time to find that special someone who will satisfy you in every way…

I agree she shouldn’t settle if she isn’t happy in this relationship, but there’s much to be said for her desire to maintain something because he is good with her child.
Her unhappiness will eventually over-ride her “comfortable” state, however, and she will probably eventually move on… so probably sooner rather than later would be better on all parties involved. In other words, if she has her doubts, she probably needs to rip off the band aid and just get it over with.

Hey It’s Mr. Opportunity knocking here. We know some great guys in towns close to yours (well within 100Mi), but you’ve got to be able to travel! How about using this Net thingy to do the dating thing? You’ve tried that, right?

So there must be a reason your stuck in this small NW logging (?) town. What’s keeping you there? Do you have transferable skills? Is job training a more frightening prospect that an honest adult discussion with this “sweet and cute is somewhat set in his ways” guy that he’s just not doing his best for you? That you need a bit more from him? Like slowly trying to incorporate some toys into their repertoire?

There’s probably more going on than we know here in this little vignette, and we probably need more information. But I find it amusing that everyone’s First impulse is to dispose of the guy/gal straight away. ‘My needs are Not being Met!’ Ergo ‘You’ve/They’ve got to Go!’ Well Yes & No. It really depends.

Yes, we all make sacrifices for the kids. And let’s face it, some sacrifices are more painful than others. Want a more painful sacrifice? How about No or little sex for years! (That happens too, BTW). So yeah, no one wants to be unhappy in any relationship. Not in the slightest. We Must have ALL our needs met or exceeded ALL the time, or else we’re walking! Sounds suspiciously like…Children, right?

So what’s it going to be? Moving away in search of better sex & hopefully better companionship & intellectual stimulation ‘elsewhere’? (A very common occurrence.) Or ‘rotting in place’ in a typical small town with it’s yes, natural and very predictable limitations most of the time? People are motivated by sex to do all sorts of things. But typically, they Need to be introduced to the alternative first. But it just Never quite happens this way: ‘Harry this is Paul. Harry, Paul does X, Y, Z and Q! for me. You refuse to do much beyond q currently, and I’m disappointed and dissatisfied with that.’

So by age 40 we’ve got to understand some of the way the world works. We just ‘can’t always get what we want’, but we ‘can try sometimes to get what we need’. If you need something from your current BF, the easiest way to resolve the issue is to actually Train him to give it to you. Graciously, happily and willingly. This need not be overly complicated or take some years, and it can be reasonably done. Replacing the man will take more time. Replacing him for another man who may or may not have the same attributes you desire in him Outside the bedroom may take longer still.

So to recap: Disappointed in a behavior that does not seem at all dangerous, neurotic or pathologically based? Train it from the circumstances you want to apply the change to. Reward good behavior and ignore poor or unwanted behavior. It may take awhile, perhaps even some months, but it has every prospect of actually working for you. And it’s far simpler than all other suggested alternatives! Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

I left a one-year relationship last year because of this very problem. Really sweet guy with two fantastic children but the sex was so bad that I just couldn’t take it anymore. After sex I would often have to go to the bathroom and have a cry. He was so selfish in bed and didn’t give a crap about my needs. It was all about his needs and his gratification. I talked to him about this and his only response was that I was really hard to satisfy and his last girlfriend came so easily and how great that was which was pretty insulting to me that it seemed like such hard work to him not that he really put in any effort anyway…and I mean none…I don’t think he had ever heard of foreplay.

But to me sex is an important part of the relationship and some psych therapies say that what happens in bed can be kind of indicative of what happens in the relationship. Can this woman consider a future with this man with the current status quo? If he isn’t willing to change then what kind of future is it if she is not happy with their sexual relationship? If she is frustrated now how will she be in 12 months from now? I would rather be single than in a relationship where I am feeling miserable but everyone is different. She should maybe think about the two options. Think about what she would consider non-negotiables in a relationship then write a list of the pros and cons of this current relationship and then really ponder which list has more of her non-negotiables…or something like that anyway…I wish her luck.

Adventurousness is not really age-specific, so “upgrading” to a younger guy might not be the solution.

Personally, sexual compatibility is either #1 or #2 on my shortlist of relationship requirements. If great sex isn’t in the offing, I simply can’t be in that relationship. I’ve done it and it’s an LTR killer.

Couple of questions: 1. Have they talked about spicing it up?
2. Is he open minded and willing to grow in this department?

If the answers are no, my advice for her is look elsewhere.

Ugh, I dated a guy for 3 years who was so vanilla in bed, I almost couldn’t stand it. But I wanted to be involved so badly that I hung in there, staring at the ceiling and faking my way through it.

Just don’t settle, that’s all the advice I can give you. If you feel he’s someone you can talk to about it, make some suggestions, show him what you want/need, then do it. If you’re too afraid or shy to talk honestly about it, then you shouldn’t be dating him, period.

If he’s not willing, then move on and find someone who is. And then see if the new guy has a friend for me!

Having been on the dating scene for years, I can say - it sucks. Especially if she says there aren’t a lot of dating options. (I can so totally related.)

She should stick with her loving relationship and take him to a tantric sex retreat. http://www.svmoms.com/2008/05/tantric-sex-dra.html

He’s not interested in experimenting sexually with you? When you specifically ask?

This does not sound like Mr Right. It sounds like Mr Gay, sorry to say.

You should move on.

But don’t assume only young dudes can be adventurous in bed. More experience = much better!

If you’ve been dating this guy for a couple of years and the barriers have not come down YET, i’d say it’s time to move on! He’s great with your kid, but your kid will eventually grow up and move on with his life and you will be stuck in a relationship that isn’t satisfying?! He’s not willing to experiment NOW when will he be willing?! Sounds like he’s not into you! I’d say time to move on!

Mr./Mrs. Right… Is there really such a thing? Mr./Mrs. almost right I could buy. She needs to decide what her priorities are. I’d keep somebody who was good with my kids and only mediocre in bed. My kids always come first.

(Don’t knock the “less educated tattooed guys”. You might be pleasantly surprised).

I second what other people have said - - sex gets better as you age. My personal experience is that men are much more fun in bed as they get into their late 30s, 40s. They have more patience, and they are concerned with our experience as a female. Don’t remember much of that with 22 year olds.

What stands out to me in your story is not necessarily that he is “boring” in bed. (Although, that would be a deal-breaker for me.) It’s that he is unwilling to experiment, grow, or take risks.

One question I would have is - -are you really ASKING him, or are you simply kidding / hinting and hoping he picks up the hint as we are guilty of doing sometimes as women. Men can be so very bad at picking up subtext. I might say, “I planned a very special date night and you are mine for the evening” and then simply drive into a naughty-shop and pick up some strawberry flavored something-or-other or a toy for him to use on you.

I think it’s lovely that he is wonderful with your son. And let’s not underestimate how important that is. But YOU have to be passionately into him, or it won’t stand the test of time.

I need that ‘weak in the knees’ sex or it doesn’t work for me.

Well then we’ve got some questions for the OP ‘Rita’:

1.) Is there any discussion at all of your needs here or is it simply a ‘closed shop’ as far as he’s concerned?

2.) How bad is it? Is it bad enough that being alone is a viable option? No matter what happens, you’ll be spending some substantial time alone if you do dump the guy.

3.) Is he completely inattentive to your needs as others have implied, or is it just simply the case of too much ‘plain vanilla sex’ that I’m no longer satisfied with? The First condition is of course fairly insensitive, and is indicative of some bad prospects for a LTR. The 2nd is perhaps Workable given some better communication. But years in, it might give anyone some pause however.

4.) This may or may not apply in this case, but everyone needs to be able to answer this question for themselves. ‘My sex life and sexual satisfaction is so important I’m willing to sacrifice_____________ for it’.

Then Is it more important that your children? If so, How & When is it more important than the kids? A weekend a month? Every week? Every day? Hourly? How about this unfortunate formulation: ‘I’m willing to sacrifice__________ of my children to achieve more sexual satisfaction’.

Now, perhaps much of the time these dramatic trade offs need not be necessary. But sometimes they are certainly required. So it certainly requires some deep thought.

So YES sex is very Very important to Most people. Naturally. Many here can cite horror stories of being in sexually unsatisfying relationships for years before bailing. But we can also cite horror stories coming from the opposite direction. Moms & dads who are so wrapped up in their own sexual gratification and in seeking ever more exciting thrills & partners that they neglect the welfare of their children. You can find kids abandoned across the landscape with Both moms & dads who’ve just left & moved on with that fantastically sexy drummer/show gal/artist who they just met and want to spend their time with. Ditto for abused kids in abusive households all over the US. In many of those households, the spouse stays for the affection, attention & the sex at the neglect of the welfare of the children.

So again if Rita wants to bail on this guy after a few years of being frustrated with his communication skills as well as his bedroom performance, she may well be within her rights to do so. We just should not imagine that the next bloke she may happily be involved with won’t be coming with his own set of issues & problems as well. I guess I just am a bit more hopeful that more & better frank communication of your needs may help produce some improvement in the situation. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’