Email is great for a lot of things, but you can’t hear the tone in someone’s voice or see sincerity in their face. Now I’ll say that I’m a supreme avoider of conflict, so email suits me REALLY well, but it’s not the same as a hug.

I think when it comes to email we also over explain ourselves, try to put so much in there to get our point across because it’s easy and most of us type really quickly. I say stick with the KISS method and just Keep It Simple, Stupid if you’re trying to apologize in an email. “I’m sorry” might work better than anything at all.

I have to say that at some point, apologies are for us, no one else. I’d think these people don’t want or need your apology, but you feel bad — plus — if it’s part of an article it’s a story. It’s OK to apologize because we need to - knowing it’s for us. Forgiving someone for hurting us is really only about us in the end. But please don’t think this is about your friend or your ex. My thought is, they’re both over it.

So don’t stress.

Fortunately I don’t “owe” anyone apologies, but I have had some successful exchanges via e-mail where conflict was actually resolved.

SMS,
From what I recall, you tried very hard to keep the relationship together at the time and you were accommodating and forgiving about a lot of the Israeli’s shortcomings. You even tried to express to him what was bothering you about the relationship, but either he didn’t get it, or he didn’t seem to care. As a fellow writer, I can identify with your method—it’s often easier for us to express ourselves in writing, especially when we’re hurting.

You’re a kind, caring person, so of course it bothers you that he and your mutual friend were both hurt by your article. You did apologize, albeit by a less than personal method, but that still says a lot about your character. You can’t please all the people all the time, but you tried. I agree with Amy that they’re probably both over it, so I definitely wouldn’t stress over it!

Yeah, email isn’t the best medium. But sometimes in-person talks can go wrong too. Painful emotions can lash out and hurt someone either way. I’d much rather deal with relationship issues in person. But in email’s defense - writing can help you articulate your feelings, and really think about “why” you feel that way. As long as you don’t hit the send key too quick!

Here’s a trick - next time write that same email, but send it to yourself. If you can read it later and feel you sound compassionate rather than hurtful, by all means send it. That trick has saved my butt a few times.

Not only is it too easy to be misunderstood in an email, but it’s just plain too easy. Saying you’re sorry SHOULD be hard, it occurs to me. That’s what makes it possible for the other person to forgive you — they see that you actually went through something to apologize. They see what it means to you to say it.

That said…given that I am, you know, a “coward” I will likely continue to use email. Ineffectively. Crap.

I email alot! I get very worked up very quickly so mailing helps me to make sense of my emotions and not react in haste!

But having said that its not ideal and doesnt replace a phone call or a real life conversation!

I have a friend who reads EVERY mail I send him wrong. I am not sure why cos he is one of my oldest friends but our mail conversations always end in fights - so I avoid them now!

Dont think I have every tried an apology via mail though - my ex and I had many mail wars but dont think we apologised

I love e-mail for its ability to unite people and keep the communication flowing. I dislike that it has replaced phone conversations and actually having a conversation in person - even with the person in the next office.

I have to admit that I am one of those that will write, save as draft, and then read later to ensure that my tone is the way I want it to be before I hit send. And I have apologized via e-mail but only with those I know very very well… and usually with tears flowing. Sometimes, when words are heated and emotions high, the written word expresses what the ears don’t hear in person - plus it can be read at a later time when emotions aren’t so high. Better yet - a hand written note. Still words, but a hand written note carries something that the typed e-mail does not.

I think with emails and texts you lose the emotions in a real life conversation. People will read into it and many times read into it the wrong way!

You can apologize any way you like, email or otherwise, but you can’t make him “accept” it.

And from the sounds of this guy, he probably won’t just so he can keep on making you feel guilty.

I honestly don’t believe that he couldn’t realize your true meaning from a email. It sounds like he’s just using that as an excuse for jerking you around.

As I recall, you tried really hard with this person. So I’m unclear why you need to apologize to him at all?

Yeah, you put it “online” but it’s more like you were discussing your emotional situation with your personal friends (this isn’t the NYT and read by millions of people–sorry!).

He should get over himself and realize that he has no right to muzzel you.

BTW, my ex tried to get the judge to order me in my divorce proceedings to *never* discuss our marriage and divorce with anyone, ever. Not with my personal friends, not with anyone. On the grounds that it would make him look bad (!). The judge, my lawyer, and his own lawyer just laughed and laughed.

Stop letting this guy mess with your head! I personally think you should drop communicating with him entirely. He doesn’t seem like a very nice guy. You seem to be doing it out of guilt, but over what?

There should be some positive stuff in it for you about keeping in contact, otherwise I think you’d be better off dropping it.

Thanks for all of your insight!

For the record, my only reason for staying in touch with Y., my ex, was… Mae. Like it or not, they had their own relationship. After we broke up, she’d go on and on about how much she missed HIS DOG. (Funny? I’m also aware of the fact that Mae might have felt cautious about telling me that she missed him.)

During the year after our break up, it was awkward. Mae would ask if she could meet his dog at the park. Or, Y. would call and ask if he could see Mae. I’d drop Mae off at the park… and he and I would hardly speak.

But time heals, right? My post (above) shows my state of mind a year go. He and I have let go of our anger and regret. Whew. I’m not fretting anymore.

Hope that makes sense!

I also want to add that all of your advice about writing an email — but not hitting the send button just yet — is so right on.

That waiting “trick,” as Dad’s House pointed out, can be so helpful when you’re in a tight fix with someone — like an ex.

Regarding typing an email and hitting “send” too quickly? I had a piece in the Chicago Trib about that — based on the fact that I was blabbering to my bff about writing and sent it to my EDITOR by mistake. OOPS! Luckily it was nothing bad, just meanderings, but it led to a published article!

So, you never know what can come of an email!

That’s hilarious Amy!

I’ve been on the other “end” of that once, when the agent of another single mom author accidentally sent an email to me — instead of sending it to her client — stating that I was a nobody in the publishing world, and she stay clear of me. Ouch!

The agent apologized, but I saw a whole new side of this business…

I have to agree that email does not reflect tone. A lot gets lost when you do not actually speak to someone.

I have been the bearer of a few fumbled apologies, and it does not feel good. You want to feel that sense of “made up” at the end of an apology. Sometimes it is not that instant, sometimes no apology can change things. That sucks.

So TRUE! The same phrase can have such different meanings with fluctuation and emphasis in your voice. Email is cold and indifferent. I too have found this out the hard way. I think your synopsis is correct that forgiveness is something more personal and should be requested in person… not in any other way. Love this blog btw

I’ve made a ton of mistakes ripping off emotional emails when I should have waited. It’s easy for me because I type fast and I’m more articulate (I think) when I write. The problem is, over email, you won’t get all the subcommincations (body language), which can be critical to the apology process.

I say do it in person when possible. Tension filled face-to-face sessions are excellent opportunities for growth and conflict resolution. Email doesn’t grow you.