M starts third grade on Tuesday, so we’re in major back-to-school mode over here. You, too?
Get a load of this timing: in my Inbox there’s an email from Angela, a single mom of two kids who would “love to get some advice.”
Her kids go to a private school, where there is a handful of divorced parents. But most of the kids at the school have traditional two-parent families.
“I break my you-know-what to make sure my kids are clean, dressed beautifully, polite, educated and well adjusted — and they are!” Angela writes. “I take them on beautiful trips and we do things together all the time.”
So, what’s the problem?
“There is one mother who constantly comments about the fact that I’m divorced,” says Angela. “She does it right to my face, at school.”
This is the mom who volunteers every week in her kids’ rooms — so she always seems to be at school, and she is clearly preying on Angela. Here’s just a taste of what this married mom has said to her:
“You know, your kids are really despite the fact that you are a single parent.”
Once, this married mom “caught” Angela out on a weekend hike with a friend. The mom stopped her: “So, your ex must have the kids? I guess that’s one benefit of being divorced I never thought of.”
Up until this point, Angela has been polite. She has nodded at this woman and walked away. But enough is enough. School is starting this week, and Angela wants to know to deal with this rude mom.
“What really gets me is that this woman doesn’t have a clue that her life could change in a moment’s notice,” adds Angela. “You just don’t know–”
Since all of you are the best support out there… I turn to you. What should this mom do? Or not do?
P.S. I wrote back to Angela: “This woman clearly has some real issues — that have nothing to do with you. This smacks of jealousy.” Still, what should she do?
Photo of my little goofball on her first day of kindergarten. I tried to take her photo outside the school, and she kept jumping in front of the camera. She ran into the room, so excited! Thank goodness I waited to bawl until I got back outside the school, so she didn’t see–
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Angela, dear, let it go. I have said it a million times: married people do not understand. It doesn’t give her the right to be rude but it’s coming from her insecurity. Divorce, or the thought of being a single mom scares the bejeebies out of her.
If you must say something…maybe something like, “Gee X, you seem to be very interested in everything about divorce for someone who’s happily married. Is there something you want to tell me?”
Watch her never say boo again. Promise.
Wow. Lots of really bad passive aggressive responses come to mind…I’m not going to say any of them, though I’m dying to, for fear you might actually use one. It’s happened before so now I keep my mouth mostly shut.
Hmmm, how to open an air tight sealed mind without cause brain damage….
Let someone else do it. It becomes a manipulative social tactic. You could get elaborate, find someone that is friends with her, but disagrees with her on the single parent opinions, and come up with activities to do with the three of you. Sociology says that two of you will bond against the third, then she will be in the minority and will begin to know what if feels like, and may alter her opions to better fit in with the group.
I’m not that diplomatic. I would end up being much more direct and confrontational.
The best revenge is a life well lived though and most likely it isn’t worth your time worrying about it. It isn’t your job to fix broken people…unless there is concern with her interaction with your children, then politely make the staff aware of your concerns and ask them not to let the woman near your children.
My other suggestions would have been much more fun though.
I grew up with three little brothers and irritation is something I can be good at if I want to…probably why I’m single.
I agree with Amy – this stems from her issues!
I am not diplomatic and would probably try ignore but end up snapping off something to her.
I dont really know what she should do – if she can ignore it then I suppose that would be the grown up thing to do?
Or maybe start being nice to the women? Start chatting to her about arb kid stuff – kill her with kindess?
Despite living in a very traditional family area, I have never run into this problem or faced this challenge. I would probably want to confront her but would end up considering my child first. Is there an impact on my child? Are her statements effecting her in anyway? If not, I would likely let it go and consider that the mother has something going on that she needs to work through. I might even attempt to engage her to take any sting out of her comments – because being a single parent is difficult, it has pros and cons, but in the end, it is parenting… something we have in common.
In the end, the woman probably isn’t going to change so it would come down to how things impact the child/children.
It took me a very long time to understand the dynamics involved in this kind of situation. When your own children are involved, it is difficult to see things clearly.
Here it is . . .people who comment briefly in awe about all you do likely are in respectful, committed, and supportive relationships. They see single moms doing everything they do and everything their husband/wife/partner accomplishes. To them, you are a daily hero.
People who always have something to say negatively about your single mom status are simply too stuck to free themselves from relationships that are not working. They envy your bravery, independence, and, likely above all else, the control you have over your own life.
This particular mom does seem to have issues she needs to work through—I agree. It is not your responsibility to help her or to confront her, which likely would be not be appreciated by her. More importantly, there would be repercussions of some sort directed at your child. Remember, she has all the time in the world to diminish you in some way.
Living well is the best option. Would you ever in your wildest dreams ever want to trade places with someone whose life is so plainly limited?
I might be direct the next time she says something…..”Ive noticed that you always mention how I am divorced. If that is something you need to talk to me about let’s arrange a time and in the mean time i won’t always mention your marriage.”Give her a wink then quickly flip the subject to the kids/teacher school etc.something positive you have in common.
You could also speak to the head of school in confidence…He/she may have some suggestions or perhaps family/lifetyles/parenting etc could be the subject at a parent meeting
OK…OK it’s a bit passive because of what I know about “those folks”
I agree with Amy and Dr. Leah. This “married” women has some issues of her own. Angela, just let the comments slip off your shoulders…this way you’re showing her that although you’re a single parent you’re the “bigger” one here… unless it’s directly to your children…then we’re talking a whole different topic! For now, just ignore and be the mature one. Some people with issues love drama and that’s not the route to take!
I have to agree with all the previous comments that this woman is fueled by her own issues. However, being the mom that tends to start fights at the playground because I don’t take crap from other parents when it comes to my own child and my parenting ways….I have to say that you must stick up for yourself in order to let go of this. Obviously staying quiet is only letting the things she says to you fester in your mind and bother you. Spend some time thinking of what you would like to say back, such as…well miss so and so – lives change in the blink of an eye and you do your best and own whatever situation you find yourself in – let’s hope you never find yourself divorvced and alone raising your children. Then stop dwelling on the negative remarks and start dwelling on saying your piece and moving on.
I’ve occasionally had this happen to me, but extremely rarely. I think it must come from severe
personality issues that some people have. These people are to be pitied. It’s beneath you to even pay attention to the underlying meaning she is trying to convey by her comments.
In my experience, the best way to deal with this type of thing–to neutralize the negative vibes she’s sending you— is to refuse to “get it”, and to show in response how happy and well-adjusted you are.
No matter what she says, gush all over her saying “how kind of you…!”, “thank you so much!!!” “what a nice thing to say!”
Then take a deep breath, think about what a good place you’re in compared to her, and smile your own genuine smile to show off how happy you are compared to her.
In contrast, if you stoop to her level by flinging out a cutting comeback, you’ll be letting her negative energy later your life. Refuse to let her have that power over you! It’s not worth it. She’s already miserable, you can bet on it.
You tell her that Tom T. Hall is still alive and kicking in TN, and that she can get a complimentary Free ‘Harper Valley PTA’ ring tone for her phone via the link. Then smile sweetly at her and tell her ‘we’ve all got problems, right?’
Artist: Hall Tom T
Song: Harper Valley P.T.A.
Album: Ultimate Collection
Complimentary “Harper Valley P.T.A.” Ringtone Complimentary Ringtone
I want to tell you all a story ’bout a Harper Valley widowed wife
Who had a teenage daughter who attended Harper Valley Junior High
Well her daughter came home one afternoon and didn’t even stop to play
She said, “Mom, I got a note here from the Harper Valley P.T.A.”
The note said, “Mrs. Johnson, you’re wearing your dresses way too high
It’s reported you’ve been drinking and a-runnin’ ’round with men and going wild
And we don’t believe you ought to be bringing up your little girl this way”
It was signed by the secretary, Harper Valley P.T.A.
Well, it happened that the P.T.A. was gonna meet that very afternoon
They were sure surprised when Mrs. Johnson wore her mini-skirt into the room
And as she walked up to the blackboard, I still recall the words she had to say
She said, “I’d like to address this meeting of the Harper Valley P.T.A.”
Well, there’s Bobby Taylor sittin’ there and seven times he’s asked me for a date
Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of ice whenever he’s away
And Mr. Baker, can you tell us why your secretary had to leave this town?
And shouldn’t widow Jones be told to keep her window shades all pulled completely down?
Well, Mr. Harper couldn’t be here ’cause he stayed too long at Kelly’s Bar again
And if you smell Shirley Thompson’s breath, you’ll find she’s had a little nip of gin
Then you have the nerve to tell me you think that as a mother I’m not fit
Well, this is just a little Peyton Place and you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites
No I wouldn’t put you on because it really did, it happened just this way
The day my Mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A.
The day my Mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A.
[ More Hall Tom T Lyrics ]
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Yeah, I’d probably go with not saying anything — this woman obviously has her ideas & you’re not going to change her mind.
BUT, if your kids hears her & you feel that they gets upset by it, you should ask them how she feels & talk to her about it. If they want you to say something back to her… then that might be the best way.
I think this woman is very insecure and she perhaps has other issues also? I think some sort of breezy comment next time she says something along those lines. I agree with the others above who’ve said if these comments happen in front of the kids then I’d be taking her to one side and saying something to her – in a calm manner.
This woman should absolutely be put in her place ASAP! Why should Angela sit quietly and swallow insulting comments for another school year? Loved the advice from Judy! And, by the way, “the children” have nothing to do with this. What needs to be handled is between two adults. EVERYTHING does not always have to concern the kids. This is grown-up business.
I am not so diplomatic, it seems as though Angela has been polite (for lack of a better word) for an entire school year. Of course this other lady is REALLY unhappy, and probably on the verge of a divorce herself, or she wouldn’t be so consumed with the subject. Heck by now, she could be divorced–a lot can happen over the summer! lol! but a simple one liner will do for any and every comment she makes, “Imgaine that, and I’m still Happy.” Or “Divorce and Happiness, didn’t quite think the two would go together, huh?” OR You could just stare right through her (remember the old saying ‘if looks could kill’?) Whatever you do or don’t do; say or don’t say, make sure that she has absolutely NO contact with your children. I’m wondering are her children the same age as yours?? Hopefully her children will behave better than she does.
I was a single Mom for a long time and my children also went to private school(lutheran). There were many situations that I felt this way about certain parents. I thought I was providing extra support for my children, due the absence of a two parent family. I decided 2 years ago to put them in public school, and this was my best decision I have ever made. I am not sure what your public school are like, and I always thought that private schools provided better support for the children, but I was totally wrong. My children have thrived in public school and thank me quite often for giving them that opprotunity. I don’t think that lady is worth even giving the time of day. She must be very unhappy or something if she isn’t kind to others, no matter what their situation.
Just go and sleep with her husband. You will feel allot better about it. Just kidding! It is possible that this woman is really clueless and keeps putting her foot in her mouth. She could be trying to understand and relate but lacks the social grace. She does seem much too focused on divorce. It could be a good idea to take a moment and actually have a conversation with her. She may confess that she wants one too. If not you can tell her that your divorce is not your focus but you happy to give her advice should she ever need it.