Trey,
I don’t know your whole story but I do know of you from the times SMS has mentioned you, all positive, on this blog.

But from what you’ve written above, I’m confused. You’re upset about your ex introducing your kids to her new beau but you’ve moved your girlfriend and her daughter in with you and your kids after only a couple of months? I may be mistaken but it doesn’t seem like you’ve been with “A” or kept her from your kids for 6 months (?), yet that’s the rationale, from your divorce decree, that’s the basis for your argument? So if I’m mistaken, my apologies and please clarify.
LEM

Oh, I went through all these same feelings, setting up a house solo, just me and my kids. Finding out through my kids that their mom was dating. It’s heart wrenching.

LEM - I don’t think there’s a girlfriend in this excerpt. Ava is his daughter, Anna is his ex who changed her name to Carmen.

LEM: I just gave Trey the heads up about your comment… good question!

Dad’s House: “A” is Trey’s new girlfriend in present day, real life. Check out his Babble blog… it appears that “A” has moved in with Trey and his kids.

FYI, I did keep A away from the kids for six months before introducing them to her. Then we thought we’d be just friends but that didn’t work out and I fell for her hard and voila! We’re living together.

LEM: I have no doubt you’ll chime in here (please do!). I remember when I moved in with the Israeli — after dating for one year — and you emailed me with lots of questions… especially concerning my child and her feelings.

I find it interesting that readers haven’t really questioned Trey’s recent move (the girlfriend and his daughter moving in). In fact, everyone has seemed very supportive. I simply find it interesting.

It is more acceptable if a single father quickly jumps into a serious relationship, with cohabitation involved? Does society raise its eyebrows ore at single mothers?

Hey SMS go back on vacation!!!! IOW get off the internet.

I don’t think it is ok for either a dad or mom to do the quick relationship/move in thing.

The 6 month rule is interestingly used in this situation. Trey and “A” waited 6 months to meet Trey’s kids.But then moved in soon after that. What does that tell the kids? Since they were unaware of the relationship, a quick move in decision is ok?

WAIT..working backwards, I just read Trey’s blog. His 6-month rule applies to 6 months of on-line dating. I think he needs to take an internet safety class. Come on Trey, 6 months of emailing is not getting to know someone. Rather it is getting to someone as they want to be known, not who they necessarily are….

yuck!

Ok, here’s my two cents…First, without even getting into the debate about moving in with a significant other when you have children, Trey’s issue just seemed like a double standard. Of course it may feel strange (or even hurt) to know that your ex is involved with someone, but co-habitating is quite a bit more serious and can very well have repercussions later, should the relationship not work out. (I believe Trey’s son was quite attached to his previous girlfriend and he didn’t even live with her.)

I’m no prude by any means, but as SMS mentioned, I am sensitive to the thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of children. I am concerned about messages that I send my kid through my actions, and there are certain behaviors that I definitely don’t want her to inherit from me or develop on her own due to anything she may see as a child.

At times my own personal life may have “suffered” a bit because I am protective of my daughter and very conscious of my actions where she is involved. However, I am proud of the fact that she knows very little about my love life and any relations I may have outside of those with her father. And sure, life is full of trials and tribulations, and children are, for the most part, rather resilient. Of course as she gets older and our dynamics change that may change as well, but for now, it’s kept our lives quite calm and uneventful.

Trey,
It is wonderful that you’ve found (another) someone to fill the void since your split with your wife, and fitting comfortably into each other’s lives when you both have children is quite a feat. Moreover, it is obvious that you are deeply committed to your children and they are clearly first on your priority list. That said, falling for someone is no reason to fall off the deep end!
I personally would have moved at a slower pace and consistently be a bit more cautious, even with an “A” of my own who I was crazy about. (There is no way in hell I’m moving any man into my house with my daughter after only a few months!)

And SMS, regarding your questions, I don’t think it’s any more acceptable for a single father than for a single mother, and I would hope that society doesn’t look at it that way. I agree with Judy’s comments and concerns. While I and don’t believe any of your other readers were beating up on you when you made your move, I think the message here is that we have to live and act more cautiously and responsibly when children are involved. If you fall for someone and are comfortable bringing him/her around your child(ren), give the relationship time to develop AND THEN take it from there. What ever happened to doing things the traditional way? And what’s the rush? My feeling is that if he loves me after 6 months, he should love me in a year or whenever we mutually decide to make it official. (Or we wont’ be making any life altering changes.) I just don’t have the time or energy for trial runs and playing house. And I’m not going to subject my daughter to more heartbreak. She got enough of that when her dad left.

Trey’s attitude about the sudden change seems to be a rather nonchalant one and I will be interested to read an update on the situation a year from now…

Of course A and I constantly consider how our actions will impact both of our kids. “A” is behind me right now and here is what she says: “Of course I wouldn’t have moved in with Trey unless I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But I would never marry someone before living with them first. I don’t want to end up with four divorces.”

I completely agree. I feel that my past relationships have taught me how to read my current relationship more clearly and more quickly. “A,” “M,” her daughter, and my kids have meshed so beautifully together that we are both confident that what we have is rare and wonderful.

I don’t get why you would need to put in a contract not introducing a SO to your kids for 6 months…I mean, that seems kind of extreme. How about 3 months, or 1 month? I understand getting to know the new person for a bit (a probationary period) before they get introduced, but a half year is a long time.

Also, does it really need to be in writing? What happens if the vow is broken, can/should legal action be taken? I’m all for keeping legalities away from affairs of the heart as much as possible.

Besides what Lance says, which are great points, your girlfriend has been married three times???

And you’re saying that you can now assess your partner “quickly” but your ex can’t? Perhaps she felt that way about Doug and therefore decided to bypass the 6-month rule! Whatever her reason for introducing the kids to him, I don’t think that given your current situation you have a leg to stand on with your post!

Hey,
How about not putting a time limit on the introductions and just using good judgment??

It’s fine to be happy and in love and wanting to share that with your kids, but come on folks. There’s a time and a place for everything and shacking up just because you like someone just isn’t smart when there are kids involved. You can live with someone for YEARS and never truly know them. (As evidenced by A’s 3 marriages.)

Whoa….Trey I hope you have your armor on today! Thanks for your sharing a piece of your life with us.

Trey,
Your post and your life are quite interesting. Question for you. Did you give your ex the key before or after your girlfriend moved in? is she going to keep it? to use it? really.quite.interesting.Yes, thanks for sharing.

I don’t think anyone here is beating up on Trey. I just think the comments involve doing what’s right for kids when the adults have other partners besides the parents.

And from the sounds of it, Trey, you’re using the wrong head. I dated a guy for a whole year and made sure my son was absolutely comfortable with him before I agreed to live with him. We were in love and never argued or disagreed about anything major. But low and behold, a year later it didn’t work out, my son and I moved out, and he was devastated. He had gotten so attached to my ex that I struggled with the breakup, even though I knew it was best for me. It took a long time before my son stopped bringing his name up and even now it still comes up sometimes. He just didn’t understand and because it involved grown up stuff, I couldn’t really explain it to him. Believe me, I learned my lesson. Never again. But I wish you luck!

Lance and Corinne, please consider that sometimes these legal time limits end up in divorce documents because they are imposed on us, not because we agree with them or asked for them… and fighting them could send your divorce attorney on another 5 star holiday to Aspen on your tab! As many of us can attest, the divorce process can become extremely convoluted and unnecessarily litigious… should one party fall off the sanity bandwagon, fueled by their divorce attorney, and drag the divorce process into divorce hell and into divorce attorney heaven! If there are divorce attorney’s out there, I don’t intend to insult you personally, but your colleagues, as a general rule, are the lowest form of human scum on the planet! Or perhaps more succinctly put by Agent Smith in the Matrix: “There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human Beings (Divorce Attorneys) are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a (the) plague…”

Most of you are being very harsh on Trey and A. Cut them some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the right thing for all parties involved… kids included! It’s not as if they were bed hopping with multiple partners and just decided to shack (not withstanding A’s 3 divorces… now really why rub that in her face… does anyone on this site believe that they are immune from another divorce or two?) If in fact Trey, A, and blended families are meshing beautifully, why shouldn’t they take advantage of this golden opportunity to rebuild a family and rekindle love the right way, and to the benefit of all… kids especially? Life is so very short. Those of you, who are long term single and alone, searching unsuccessfully for your soul mate and life’s partner, may want to reevaluate the limitations you place around this subject, as well as you’re limiting beliefs on what is healthy and unhealthy for you’re children. Thank god kids don’t suffer from our own self inflicted neurosis and limiting beliefs. We need not impose and assume how our children will read into a particular situation, as they have independent, unadulterated, creative, brilliant minds of their own. If a relationship is authentic, unconditional, loving, respectful, and cohesive, they will absolutely come to a perfect opinion of their very own every time.

“A” has only been married once. She was just saying she doesn’t want to be divorced a bunch of times.

I agree with Jim above on his observation about the “harsh factor” of some comments. We all make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. I agree with Trey that as one gets older and gains experience/understanding, you know quicker about what kind of relationship will work and what kind won’t.

I also would bet that there are plenty of terms in divorce agreements across the country that seem make sense when written — you know, when you’re not even divorced yet and trying to figure all this out — but become a lot less practical or necessary in real life.

I guess I would just add that Trey is sharing his life and perspective with us. The good news is: we get to make decisions about OUR own lives, whether you happen to agree with his or not.

I find this all very interesting mostly because I follow Trey’s blog on a couple of sites and found my way here.

My interest stems mostly from the fact that I am dating a single, divorced, father of two, and we just moved in together as well. I had never dated a single father before and I wasn’t, and still am not, aware of the protocol involved. I was the first person he dated after his divorce, and I met his kids less than a month later. We have now moved in a year later.

Is there a time frame? I know at this point if I were to attempt any extrication from their lives, especially the kids, it would be one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to endure.

Which gives me pause over topic at hand. Waiting, because if it’s worthwhile, you wait. Sometimes I think that even a year was too soon, especially with kids involved, but I know that he and I made the right choice. You (the significant other) become part of that family, and it’s a different dynamic.

Of course, this is all individual to each situation.

After reading Trey’s Blog though, I think he has a good solid head on his shoulders and I was quite happy when he started writing about A. I wish them both well!

Bottom line: Every relationship is risky. Everyone wants and hopes that the relationship works out. And, of course, the single parent with a child(ren) take a bigger risk–but we hope that it’s a risk worth taking.

I’m very much in love with my man, he’s very, very involved in my daughter’s life–he comes to all the school functions, picks her up from school, etc and yes, I do hope every day that this relationships lasts. Again, I’m taking the chance—at least my daughter and I know firsthand what a healthy, loving relationship feels like–and right now, I wouldn’t change this for anything.

It seems like the relationship Trey is describing with his ex-wife and Doug was very soon after Trey’s relationship with her ended. Now, they’ve been divorced for several years, know how to negotiate their own relationships with each other and with the kids, and both had subsequent relationships, rather than in being in the middle of figuring all that stuff out. I think that time line plays a significant role in his feelings towards his wife introducing the kids to Doug, and if his ex-wife introduced a new boyfriend to their kids under the 6-month rule, now, he’d probably be more forgiving.

Also, as he pointed out, he tried not to introduce his kids to A as his girlfriend, but he got busted. That’s going to happen more as his kids get older. It’s probably going to be unrealistic to hide significant others, and is going to come down to using good judgement, which it seems like he did with A.