I haven’t read the book, but I plan to grab it now for sure! I find some interesting parallels to myself.

In my case, it also started (ended?) with a bankcard, winter of 2005. My husband and partner of 13 years relapsed into alcoholism & addiction. He had been sober for 12 years during which time we met & married. I couldn’t believe he was in a relapse, after so many years of sobriety. I put him through rehab and made it clear to him it had to “stick”, we have kids - - I’m not up for multiple spin dries. Sadly, he couldn’t do it and about 5 days out of rehab I came home to find a note, “I no longer desire you, or a family.” and he was gone. I filed for divorce immediately and packed his belongings off to his sponsors house. We had been together most of my adult life.

I did sting with the “status” change feeling at first. I was solidly ensconced in the urban, liberal, stay-at-home-mom, middle class family culture. I had friends who instantly plunked me by the wayside like I never existed. My sense was they were terrified that divorce, or single motherhood might be contagious. But other friends - or even acquaintances - surprised me with support and unconditional love.

I recall lying in bed at night as my hardest period of the day those early months. Maybe it’s just plain physical fatigue? End of the day nostalgia? I would lie there with the kids next to me sleeping, and think “Oh. my. GOD. how am I going to take care of us by myself?”

I managed to pull it together quickly, go back to my career, slam dunk Mary Poppins from a Craigslist ad on the first try (she’s still with me).

The hardest part for me is a lingering bit of cognitive dissonance. It feels like I woke up in a strange, alternate-universe ending to a “Choose Your Own Ending!” book only it wasn’t the ending I chose. The feeling comes in pangs now very rarely - - the sense of “faking it” in a life not my own. At first, it was my constant companion.

So far as sleeping alone in a King Sized Bed? I’ll let you know when I get there. I still wake up with a warm, damp-curled, 3 year old boy next to me almost 100% of the time.

This looks like a must read for me. I’ve really struggled with this, enough for me to join a divorce support group. One of the first things they did was tell you that divorce is like a death and asked us to do a loss list. http://singlemomredefiningfamily.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-loss-list.html
For me the hardest part has been not having someone to share the worrying with. This burden is all mine and like the woman who posted before me, I lost other people who feel it is either contagious or just too uncomfortable to be around a single mother. As for my king size bed, I have a guard on one side so my three year old can climb in and wont roll off. Since the separation I’ve gotten a new dog and he sleeps on the other side of the bed.

For me there was no period of adjustment (I was a single mom from the very beginning), I am kinda like Mary Pols from “Accidently on Purpose” http://www.maryfpols.com/ . I truly could have written a book with the same title and it would have been about my life as well.

But, as I sit her almost 9 years later…still a single mom the most difficult things for me are and have been…

1. ALL of my friends are in relationships and when I say ALL, I mean ALL…I do not have 1 single friend.

2. Just doing it ALL on my own…when I am sick…I just have to deal with it, tired…just have to deal… over the years I have learned to make do with this situation…but one time last fall, I had missed several days of work, my daughter had been sick and out of school for days and was contagious, I was tired and worn out and I had a dr’s appointment I had to attend the next day…and I had to pick up the phone and tell my mom I NEEDED her. Luckily she got in the car that night, drove almost 4 hours to get here, and took over parenting for me for the next two days so I could get some rest, make my appointment, and return to work. It is just hard as a single mom who has 100% responsibility sometimes to just do it ALL.

Oh man, it’s hard to even recognize who I was four years ago when I got divorced. I’m not even the same person—today I feel so proud and confident.

Anyhow, back to the past: I think guilt engulfed like a black cloak. I felt guilty sleeping alone with our child when she had actually slept with both of us since her birth (she was 16 mos. when we split apart). I felt guilty every time I nursed her upon awakening when it used to give her dad pleasure watching us bond. I felt guilty when she cried for him. My heart, oh my heart shattered. And then I felt angry at him for allowing this to happen–why did I feel guilty when he was the one who stopped trying to hold us together? Alas, all those mixed feelings full of hurt, rage and sorrow….

But, yes, but, time does heal wounds(never quite completely, but almost—more than enough for you to be able to move on and find joy and lightness in life).

The hardest part for me was not only realizing that I was going to be doing this alone, but also finding out I was pregnant with our second child after I left. So not only was I learning how to be mom and dad, I was learning how to juggle a toddler and a newborn at the same time. I use to worry about giving my oldest child enough attention with the baby taking up a lot of my time and wondering if I made the right decision. After all, boys need a male role model and as much as I want to be everything for them, I still felt guilty that they didn’t have a dad around. It took a little while to get a routine (and some sleep) but in the end we are doing just great and I think I definitely made the right decision for myself and my boys.

For me sleeping alone in my king sized bed symbolized the gigantic amount of “stuff” I was now responsible for holding together by myself. Not only was the bed oversize for me, so was the house, the bills, my job and the newborn twins! It was also a symbol of the empty space which used to be filled in my heart.

But once I realized what I could and couldn’t downsize, both physically and mentally, and slowly found comfort in my new found ’space’, I let myself expand to fit it and found confidence and pride where before there had been fear and trepidation.

Now I lie in bed, in my Cal King, on my side (I never have adjusted to sleeping in the middle, or on the ‘other’ side) and sometimes wonder what it would be like to have someone in there with me. Am I ready for that? And since it is even a question I already know the answer is No. I’m finding too much joy and pleasure in my new life as a single Mom. Not that we don’t have our moments, but the good far outweigh the bad these days. This is our house, our space, and when the kids are out of cribs and into toddler beds I’m sure my King will become OUR bed.

When you go through something life changing, like divorce, you feel like you are the only person who feels the way you do!

But reading these comments(and other readings) I often go “YES THATS IT thats JUST how I felt” and that alone is a comfort.

Like Theo said that period after you leave is the hardest, lonlinest ever and was definately some of my darkest days!

What I have battled with - the loss of friends! I didnt only loose a husband and furniture I lost a lot of friends when I left. Not because they took his side but because they couldnt accept/understand my choices! So I really had to start over.

Having to make all the tough decisons is also hard. I have people to bounce ideas off but ultimately I have decide and thats hard!

The hardest though is dealing with a time-share dad! The questions my kids ask, the dissapointment - its hard and frustrating and some days I want to say “he isnt coming cos he doesnt care” but I cant! And its been 2 years now and doesnt seem he will ever be anything more than that!

The hardest thing for me is the fear of being alone the rest of my life.

When my husband left, the hardest thing for me was getting his scent out of the house, the air, the sheets, my head! (I had to get rid of the clothes he left behind, because they were torture.)

And because our sex life was so incredible, I kept having flashbacks, while tossing and turning, alone in our bed. Fortunately I had a baby who needed me 24/7, along with a house, a job, and a ton of responsibilities which quickly snapped me back into reality.
And as Avigail stated, now I hardly recognize who I am, 4 years later. I have our life and routines down to a science, and the pain and hurt I once felt are no longer a big hindrance for me.

My daughter sleeps in my bed every night, so she’s on the other side (and then some!) and we enjoy it being just the two of us.

Greg Peck Fan: Wow, what similarities to Theo’s life! I love what you say about “Choosing Your Own Adventure.” How very true. Those happened to be my favorite books as a little girl….

Single Mommy: Thanks for that idea about writing a loss list. Great suggestion!

Mom2Maddie: The other single parents are out there, really! I encourage you to venture out past your comfort level. Join the YMCA? A Meetup group? Really, we’re out there in strong numbers! Right mamas?

Avigail: Thanks for reminding us that time DOES heal. Indeed.

KeenKamsMom: Please see my column about finding good male role models:
http://www.mylifetime.com/lifestyle/relationships/dating/every-solo-mom-needs-good-man

Wow, the part of the interview about having to sleep in a bed with the kids really hit home with me. Being a single parent and one of the few unmarried women over 25 in my family, I often find myself being forced to sit at the kiddie table and share a room with all the children. It’s like because I’m not married yet, I’m not considered a grown up. And I’m turning 34 on Sunday!

Wow, the quote you’ve highlighted really rings a bell with me! One of the hardest things after my divorce was forgiving myself…but not necessarily for ending our relationship and putting my kids into a two-home status — although I harbored guilt about those things even if I didn’t regret the decision. What was really hard for me was forgiving myself for not seeing signs, not listening to my own feelings of doubt earlier.

Now, I accept that we each learn in our own ways, and, as I like to quote, “we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.”

Outside of that, the hardest things were just trying to manage two small kids in Target by myself!

By the way, I did inherit a king-size bed in my divorce, and eventually got used to having — and liked having — my space, all of it! Now that I’m dating someone, I’m having a hard time getting used to a person sleeping right beside me. I hope it’s big enough for the 2 of us

The part of sleeping alone in a king sized bed was being the only person available to help my 3 young boys when they woke up for the potty, diaper changes, bottles, etc. Didn’t matter how tired or sick I was, there wasn’t another person on the other side of the bed to ask for help.

I am also finding that that idea of vacationing alone with three small children a big hurdle to overcome. Not financially, but energy and responsibility. We had always promised our kids that we would go to Disneyland when the youngest is 5, that’s next summer and the kids keep bringing it up, but 3 under 10 at Disneyland by myself doesn’t sound fun at all. At least I have another year to really decide to go or postpone, but I feel that if I postpone I am not keeping my promises to my kids.

What an Awesome Book! I must read it. I’m addicted to book reading in my Queen Size Bed!
I found a really neat site called SingleSisterHood.com and have really felt like a normal person. I’ve learned everything I need to know if I chose to start dating soon. I’m thinking of it because I do miss sleeping alone and having that companion but it’s only been 2yrs since my divorce and I want to really be ready before I date again.

The exhaustion. Never being able to catch up on my sleep. Whenever I get a night squared away where I can get to bed early and not have to wake up early Frances will be up twice, guaranteed; whenever I have an afternoon I think I can nap something will come up or the errands will take more time than I expected. Sleep deprivation has become a way of life and there is nothing I can do about it. All that’s left to cut out of my schedule are the things that sustain me and keep me level-headed and above water–in other words, things I don’t dare cut.

Except work. I’m ditching the job in a few weeks to go back to school. Not sure yet whether this will make things better or worse.

In other words, the hardest part of sleeping alone in a double-sized bed is not being able to sleep there as much as I’d like!

[...] start with the winner of Theo Nestor’s memoir, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, shall [...]