Is the man you’re dating a mirror of you?

by singlemomseeking on June 23, 2008

Wendy Merrill, author of the new memoir, Falling into Manholes, says that he is.

I know Wendy in person and she’s just as hot, genuine, and honest in person as she is in her book. No, she’s not a single mom. Yes, she is so open and revealing about life and love — that I had to have her on the blog. You’ll see why.

While dating, in hopes of finding a parter, Wendy keeps falling into manholes. (Sound familiar?) After losing herself in an endless series of attachments, she comes to see how her relationships with men are emblematic of all of her relationships — with alcohol, food, drugs, family, friends and, most of all, herself. (Still sound familiar?)

Falling into Manholes is about looking for love in all the wrong places — and then finding yourself. I laughed and cried. I especially related to the bad girl/good girl paradox that Wendy describes oh-so-honestly.

Q: You write in Falling into Manholes that “if these men were all mirrors, what did that say about me?” “Do you think that the men we choose are mirrors of who we really are?

Wendy: “You know the saying “Water seeks its own level?” It seems that as long as I have been unwilling or unable to look directly at my own issues, I’ve always drawn men into my life that would somehow mirror those issues back at me.

When I drank, I picked men that drank more than me so that I could focus on their drinking and not my own. This is a very codependent trait: focusing on others problems instead of my own. After I stopped drinking (19 years ago), my codependency issues ramped up even more (like dishonesty with myself, denying my own wants and needs, focusing on pleasing others in order to get what I wanted, and so on!) which is at the heart of my love addiction.

This played out with the men that I dated. Big fun!”

Q: You write about how one boyfriend wouldn’t kiss — but he held you. That’s what “hooked” you. I really get it. I don’t know if being held goes way back in my psyche, to early abandonment… but it’s a hook for me, too.

Wendy: “My girlfriend Kaye said something really funny the other day. ‘I could never date a suicide bomber, because of my abandonment issues!’ She was totally serious!

But yeah, the answer for me comes in complete and radical self acceptance… When someone leaves, it’s not about me, but I make it about me and then I get to relive all my past trauma. I am definitely a post traumatic stress survivor.”

Q: You write that “In my mind, sex would lead to happiness.” How many times have I believed one? My last sexual experience led to a kidney infection

Wendy: “Dating a sex addict sort of cured me of that, at least conceptually! I had four UTIs in as many months with that guy. My body is so much smarter than me!

This is not to say that I don’t want a sex life, but now my mantra is “Love (and sex) is a thoughtful and committed decision, not a feeling by which I am overwhelmed.”

Your turn:
How has your most recent relationship been a mirror of you? What did this relationship reflect back to you? Did you have to stand there and stare for a long, long time until you saw it?

Related Articles:

Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: