I know it SHOULDN’T matter about wearing a wedding ring or not - and in an ideal world it would not.

However, I know the change of expression that she has seen, and I can understand how she would like that not to be a factor affecting her work relationships.

My ex died. I know that, by emphasising the “ex” part of the story, I am judged very differently to just including the “died” bit. It is not right that people do this, but they do.

I even saw the shift in my daughter’s teacher’s eyes when she asked what my maiden name was recently. When I advised her it was what it was which is what it is now, that look slipped in.

So is it Kirstin who should change for the whole of society to move a little to acceptance - or by her not doing so somehow encouraging this behaviour to continue?

Jeanie raises a great point, and I don’t think there is one right or wrong answer. It’s simply what one is comfortable with.

I went through a year-long divorce without my colleagues knowing, mainly because it was too painful to talk about and at work I generally prefer to keep my interactions professional and nonpersonal. And depending on where you work, people can be more judgmental in some settings than in others. (And isn’t it awful that single women with children are stereotyped, yet men are often commended or praised when they have their children with no women present?)

Several months after my divorce, I still wear my wedding ring. But not because of any reasons having to do with HIM. I still wear it because I like it. Actually, I love it. It’s the 2nd most beautiful thing he ever gave me; a gorgeous rock in a unique setting, and while I have thought about re-setting the stone into a pendant for our daughter, for now I enjoy still wearing it. It’s nobody’s business if I am married, single, divorced, or otherwise, but it’s blatantly obvious that society often looks at women differently when they are single mothers. And, sadly, people often look at minority women with children in particular and assume that there is no father/husband around. I’ve experienced this and seen it in action.

I think it’s great that you’re proud of your single motherhood, as well you should be. I commend single mothers who are raising their children alone by choice, as well as those whose choice it wasn’t, yet who are making the best of it and doing an awesome job of parenting. But all situations are not the same, and we shouldn’t judge people whose preferences and feelings on this subject may be different. I’m quite proud of the job I’ve done to date as a single parent. I’ve accomplished more alone than some married couples that I know. However, for me personally, when I do stop wearing my ring, I’d rather be known as divorced with a child than never married with a child. It’s just how I was raised and how I still feel.

I wore a walmart ring when I was prego. I was in the military and found out Mr. Dad was already taken - after my son was already in my belly. To make matters worse, we met each other on the job. Even though we started dating after he left, people knew about it — and thought I just didn’t care that he already had a family!

duh!

So, while I came to terms with my single mom status, I just wore the ring and had a friend put out a bogus story about an old high school sweetheart & engagement.

I would never EVER wear a ring now, but I can certainly understand why someone would.

I must be honest and admit I’m a little (OK - a lot) offended by legal editor mom’s last sentence there. That is the exact kind of thinking that is going to keep this countries single mom status intact.

who cares what the marital status of the mom is/was at any point of her single momhood?

You guys talk about the face dropping, Rachel - I bet you know this well:

“Oh, what does your husband do?”

Oh, no, I’m not married.

{face drops}

“How long have you been divorced?”

Oh, I’ve never been married.

{look of distaste}

It’s a shame really, and it honestly makes me not able to be more than politely cordial to people with that kind of “morals”, or perhaps unrelenting conservatism?

A co-worker of mine at a previous job used to wear his wedding ring and talk about his wife. I found out a couple of years later that he was gay. I felt really sad about this for a while, that people need to hide things about who they are to fit in, to avoid being ostracized. Another co-worker at the same company always talked about her roomate, who was actually her life partner.

I’ve seen the corporate environments where good looking single women are treated almost like sport to see who is going to sleep with them. Various men making the rounds, flirting, etc.

As single parents, each of us has to make hard decisions about where we work and what is best for our families. While making a bold statement about being a single parent may be the standard some are looking for, Kristin has to make her own decision about her job environment and what is going to best for her and her child.

In 2006 I had to walk away from a job I totally loved, was extremely family friendly, and was what I considered to be the VERY best career opportunity I would ever have. I had to do it because I needed more support for my son and I couldn’t do it where I was on a government salary. I have to pass up opportunities all the time and stay in a position that meets my family needs right now. Each of us has our own unique circumstances and we each need to figure out what the best way is for us to meet the challenges we face.

I think Kristin’s statement is more of a lament about the prejudices and sexual tension that still exist in the traditionally male dominated corporate America than anything else.

I think that judging her is the issue, not whether or not she wears a ring. She feels like she will be judged if she doesn’t wear it — and now the community who shouldn’t judge her at all is doing so. Hmm.

She is doing what’s right for her. That includes, obviously, being a single mom. And if that choice to wear a ring makes one part of her day easier for her…I say WAY TO GO for figuring that out and doing what works.

Angie,No one SHOULD care about a mom’s marital status. Yet many DO. And it’s absolutely judgmental. There are many types of families these days, both traditional and nontraditional, and one isn’t necessarily better than another. I made a choice to not have a child out of wedlock many, many years ago (boyfriend at the time wanted a child and I refused, because we weren’t married) and I don’t regret it. But my decision was based on my own personal preference for my life, and in no way am I knocking others who make different choices.

And Amy is right, the judging here is the issue, not the wearing of a ring. But that doesn’t mean that a woman shouldn’t wear a ring if she’s not really married. She should do what works for her, and again, what makes her comfortable.

I’m a single mom who wears a ring both to ward off unwanted advances and to avoid the disapproving glares I sometimes receive when I’m out with my kids. It’s sad that society casts unfavorable stigmas on single moms, but it is often reality.

And I think I understand what LEM meant and I wasn’t offended. My pregnancies weren’t planned but if I had my way, I would have preferred to have been married. But, I am glad that I have my kids!

If my ring still fit I’d wear it, even though my divorce is about to be final soon. My child is biracial and people already make assumptions about single mothers and even more when it’s regarding black men as fathers. I’d prefer that at least ONE of the stereotypes about black men ‘just fathering children w/o marrying the woman’ is dispelled with my wedding ring. Sadly it does make a difference to people if you were married or not when you have children in the picture. It’s not a perfect world.

I’m an HR Manager. And I can tell you that discrimination on the basis of family status is alive, and well, and a quickly growing actionable area of employment law. It’s clear, it exists, and people are absolutely “no-hired” on the basis of single parenting status. Or parenting status in general.

I recently did wear a ring to a job interview - a last second decision. Just a simple band. No point losing out on a job, or a promotion, on a principle. It has nothing to do with “pride” or “no pride”. Being a single mom isn’t something I’m proud/not-proud of - it just is. I’m proud of my kids. I’m proud of my accomplishments, my fortitude, my stick-to-it-ive-ness.

My 2c: We live in a society that still discriminates. Particularly if you’re white, maybe just be grateful you can put on a ring and change perceptions instantly. Try that if you’re most minority groups.

As a biracial woman and a single mother I’ve chosen not to hide my marital status for my career. At this point I’m not going to work for anyone who doesn’t accept me as I am. This was more difficult when I lived in a smaller, less diverse town. Now that I live in a larger city I find that people are more accepting to me and my daughter, and I couldn’t be happier. We can’t change other’s perceptions of us if we hide who we are to try and fit in with the “nuclear family group”. I am doing very well in my work despite the occasional challenges that single parenthood brings, and others take notice. I have found more positive support among my co-workers and supervisors by being honest about my little family.

Very amusing post. I missed that ‘false flag’ declaration from Kristin too. But for all the obvious and stated reasons I imagine it’s fairly common. There’s still several shades of stigma about several different dimensions of the situation. But yeah, let it be known in a business setting that an attractive female is single & available? Well it’s mostly distracting for all the usual reasons. When they get to know you better, it might make a difference if they really knew more of the whole ‘home situation’. But helping to running a business for years? We really Really don’t want or need to know that.

On the discrimination front, it’s really helpful to realize that it can be just about anything that anyone can imagine that might distract from doing a job. We’ve had several well qualified very elegant women apply for jobs with us that we’d never consider, due to their 2nd job at modeling. Clearly, we, the less exciting venture would be losing out in the battle for her time here. We have older dads who want to be at their boys every baseball game & soccer practice. This is fine & laudable, but sometimes this is not always possible to take off in the middle of the day. Then we’ve got folks who’ll take off for a day because ‘their roof is being done’. In a 2 income/worker household, often no one is home to take care of all the little things that might be going wrong. The upside of it is we have a small business with 8 employees, and we have firmly only 1 who works ‘full time’, the rest are part timers we only pay full time!

So Yes, discrimination always goes on, and folks will find ways of doing so, Despite the laws against such things! Just a thought. Cheers, ‘VJ’

One thing that has been deeply embedded in me as a SM is we all do what we need to to be the best we can be. I am doing things I never thought I would as a mom but as a single mom it sure is working…

Let’s leave the judgment out. I was married but not to my DD’s father but people assume that he was my ex if I tell them I was married. I usually tell people/fill in the bubble SINGLE not DIVORCED because of the stigma with divorce and because it was 20 years ago.

I sometimes wear a “wedding band” when I am in the ‘claim it by faith’ mode.

I don’t think it’s anyone’s business if a woman is married, divorced or single but I know of many stereotypes that exist—across races and cultures.

I believe it’s her right to wear a ring if it works for her, for whatever reason. (I’m sure she’s not saying she’s ashamed to be a single mom, it just sounds like she’s trying to avoid the judgment.)It’s great if you can change society’s perceptions, but often, sadly, you can’t.

Okay. Blood boiling. F-ing fabulous post Rachel!

The minute we stop being ashamed to be single moms will be the minute everyone else will stop looking at us funny.

I am incredibly proud that I am a single mom … and even prouder that I divorced his father and survived it all.

Wrap your head around this one - I have noticed, many, many married moms who are incredibly envious of my ringless finger.

If you feel that uncomfortable about it during a work meeting (which I can see if the room is filled with conservative clients) just don’t bring up the fact that you have a kid. Then you’re just a single woman.

P.S.

Once I was in a meeting and a guy actually took his wedding ring off after I walked into the room! Now…that was weird.

Being a single mom - not so much.

Great post,Ms Single Mama. In 7yrs I don’t ever recall being judged or “looked at funny” because of my single mom, never been married status. And I’m a minority. My kid also goes to a school that is 90% white & i have great relationships with the parents of his classmates. I tend to hear comments like “(my kid) is so great”, “I don’t know how you do it all”, “you do an amazing job”,etc. This also applies to work (in healthcare). So many women of all races,cultures,& careers have found themselves being a single parent without having ever been married. The key to others attitudes about singlemotherhood is the attitude that the single mom herself presents-which in my case, is very matter-of-fact!

I know it’s ‘to each their own’, but I have never once thought about wearing my old wedding ring…or even a ring that resembles it! I make it a point not to wear any rings on my left hand.
I’m proud of being a single Mom. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished since my divorce.
But I can see it from her point of view also. Sadly in a ‘mans world’ judgments can be made. But in the same sense it can be made against women in general too.
Be proud of who you are!

I’m slightly in Kristen’s position and that’s ok with me. I wear a ring, not my wedding ring but a ring nonetheless. It’s a commitment ring to my daughter, as she is my number one priority. People can think it is a wedding ring, I don’t really care. I’m proud of my single motherhood and all I’ve made for us. But I do get less judgment from those in my field for wearing it because I didn’t always wear it. I’m ok with whatever others want to think about it because it’s not as important as my role as a mother. They can think I’m married. Its a part of my life that I’ve chosen to remain in my family because I don’t feel the need for outside support just yet. So I wear a ring on my left hand and I’m not married. So what? I’m not ashamed of not being married, I’ve just chosen to show a commitment to someone who has loved me more than a husband ever could, my kid. Just because I wear a ring doesn’t make me ashamed or less proud of what I have become.

Alicia,
Where do you live? I’m a minority, single mom who’s never been married and I identify with a lot of what you said. We live in a predominantly white neighborhood and my son goes to a predominantly white school and I too have good relationships with the parents of the other children. I too receive compliments all the time about what a great kid he is, how smart he is, what a good job I do, how do I do it, etc. But I still get judged! First of all, everyone assumed I was a single mom before the subject ever came up. And sadly, as someone else pointed out, it’s because of our skin color. Just because everyone hasn’t experienced prejudices doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. It’s no different than the polls which have shown that many white Americans (who are Democrats) would rather vote for John McCain than for a black man. I’m sure Single Mom Seeking didn’t mean for this post to turn into a racial issue, but sadly, often it is. And while I don’t wear a ring of any kind on my left hand and I and very proud of my single mom status, I unfortunately haven’t found that my positive attitude curbs the attitudes of others. I have actually thought about wearing a ring, but now that most people in our town know us, I’d get the question of when I got married!

Wow, Mamas, thanks for all of your open, honest thoughts! I can count on you for keeping it real.

I’m fascinated by the range of opinions here, from the single moms who always wear a ring on their wedding finger… to the ones who’d never do so.

The morals are coming out in full force, i.e., LEM writing that, “I’d rather be known as divorced with a child than never married with a child. It’s just how I was raised and how I still feel.”

I felt judged, too, when I read that — but as LEM later pointed out, this post is not about judging. It’s about understanding why we make the decisions we do.

I appreciate all the moms who came out here to talk about race (I’ve never heard from many of you — thanks for visiting!).

As you know, my child is also biracial. Like Jennifer, I’ve experienced the stereotypes about black men ‘just fathering children w/o marrying the woman’… especially in NYC. Either there’s less judgment here, in the S.F. Bay Area, or people try to keep their judgments to themselves.

The Obscurist pointed that where you live DOES make a difference.

I thank her for this: “We can’t change other’s perceptions of us if we hide who we are to try and fit in with the ‘nuclear family group.’… I have found more positive support among my co-workers and supervisors by being honest about my little family.”

Rachel,
This may be a bit off the subject, but I want to clarify something that I said. While it is true that I’d rather be known as divorced than never married (with a child), I was reacting from my own experience when I mentioned that I chose not to create a child with a man I loved dearly because we weren’t married. He wanted children but didn’t want to get married, for a number of reasons. I respected the reasons he offered, but they were not enough for me to get pregnant on purpose and then count on him being there for us. My feeling was that if he loved me enough to have a child with me, he should love me enough to make a full commitment. I do want to point out, however, that had I actually gotten pregnant during that relationship, I’d probably be in the same position a lot of you are in. The difference between us now is that I am divorced. But we are all single moms, facing a lot of common issues.

It’s easy to say what someone else should be doing or how they should behave, but everyone’s experiences are different and if put in situations outside our norms, our actions might just be different. Those of us who have support and acceptance are fortunate!

(And regarding race, judgments and stereotypes, I’m sure California is a lot more liberal than other areas…)
LEM

First of all, super interesting discussion, Rachel.

When I wrote the post I knew there might be dismay felt by fiercely proud single Mamas who felt I was doing a disservice to solo Moms everywhere my “pretending” to be something I’m not. And I guess that’s fair.

But to me, avoiding uncomfortable (and honestly, potentially harmful) discussion in a place that should be focused on business and rapport, it’s more important to me to keep my business prospects comfortable in the best way I know how.

And the ring also helps deflect unwanted advances by men who think a bare finger means “available.”

Well written and intriguing post, though. Thank you for writing it!

I was the complete opposite of Kristin. I wore NO rings on my left hand at all, during the 5 years I was a single mother (although I re-married, I still think of myself as a single mother because I’m still doing most everything by myself, I just threw in better finances and more people to take care of). I never cared if anyone had a problem with me raising B by myself. I still don’t care what they think. I don’t love that I’ve been married twice, but I’d leave again if I thought it wasn’t good for my girl. When you are raised as a strong, independent woman, you don’t need validation on your choices. I know what I am doing is right and I could care less if others feel intimidated or threatened by that. It’s almost always their own insecurities and shortcomings that are fueling the fire. I was happily married and thought I would always be, when I got pregnant for B, but life takes odd turns and you can’t predict another persons actions. I do NOT think you need to be married to be an excellent parent. I know many married people who are sub par on the parenting level. Enough said.

Great post & even greater discussion. So many of these things apply to me - LOL

Even though I never married my twin’s father and was only involved with my due in November baby’s father for a short while, when I found out I was pregnant with this new baby I went out and bought myself a ring with 4 bands fused together - symbolizing me & my three children as a family, and I wear it on my ring finger. As far as I’m concerned if anyone wants to take it as a wedding band that’s not something I will confront unless specifically asked, but people who really know me know what the ring stands for.

Is it a bit of a trick and does it squash out rude questions before they’re even asked? Probably. Am I trying to fool anyone? Not really.

To me it is a symbol & a reminder of the beautiful lives who are such an intricate part of my existance everyday - & someone will have to be VERY special to get to place another ring on that finger!

Even wearing my diamond wasn’t enough when I was pregnant - I still had random people ask about my marital status since there was no wedding band. It was bizarre. Like they’d never seen an unmarried pregnant person before. I’d never wear a fake ring…with my luck it’d be the day I met Mr. Right

Leslie has a good point. The day you wear a fake ring may be the day you meet Mr. Right.

Many Single Moms report they like wearing Singelringen. Singelringen (”The Single Ring” in Swedish) is a unisex status ring for singles. It is a distinctive turquoise blue. The ring has a crescent that is worn facing out to show that the wearer is “open to possibilities” or worn facing in to show “not right now”. Singelringen makes a great gift because we emphasize that the ring reminds the single wearer that they are already complete with or without a partner.

Singelringen is usually worn on any finger on the right hand or on a neck chain or cord. It is normally not worn on the wedding band finger to avoid being confused with a wedding ring but it could be an interesting option for those seeking a symbolic ring on that finger.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis writes: “Singelringen can be seen as a gift for yourself – to demonstrate to your children you are whole, not broken, yet your love continues to go round and round.”

I was only dating my son’s father for a month when I got pregnant- so I too am a never been married single mom. I thought about wearing a ring when I was pregnant for just a second, but I never could. And now that he is 18 mos., I can say I never will! How will men know I’m a single hot mama?

I raised four beautiful young adults who are the most important work I’ve ever done. For the majority of that time I did not wear a ring. Did not feel the need to for any reason.
I dated quite a bit during this period but was very cautious about who did and did not meet my kids and in most cases never even knew where I lived.
Since “empty nesting” all four of my crew it seemed as if I was wearing a sign on my forehead that only males could read.
I wear a ring, not with a band, someone interested enough to get to know me will ask. I don’t feel that rings symbolize as much today as they have traditionally. Also I work closely with a lot of men. Have found through my own experience that those I must interact with that have spouses or significant others are much more at ease with me when I wear a ring. Sad, but true. I also work in sales and experience a lot of my peers (male & female) acting what I consider to be inappropriately. While sex sells, I don’t win my successes by trying to tie it into my work. Sadly, that isn’t always the case.

Judy (back it up!) ~ I love the “claim it by faith” thing! You go, girl! Ms. Single~ I don’t seem to see any ashamed single moms here.. or in most blogs on the ‘net, or out and about in the streets. Seriously- does anyone here feel ashamed of her single mom status? It seems the opposite is more the case with what I read and see- loud and proud? I don’t think shame’s the issue- or the case. Kristin- kudos for keeping private private, and staving off advances in such a simple way. Rockin’ the boat! I think the world knows (for the most part) that single mamas aren’t bringing down the wrath of God anymore. However you get here, though~ I bet sometimes most of us look at those married mamas with the big rocks on their fingers, and dad inside helping the teen with algebra, with a touch of envy. It runs both ways, this life.

I wear a gold band on my ring finger. It was my grandmother’s and it’s the only finger that it doesn’t feel like it’s falling off of.
I’ve done this since high school and it was only after my son was born that people took notice of it, generally with the assumption that I’m married.

For the most part I don’t mind and I just make a quick correction and go on.

If it was a useful deterrent for come ons I would wholeheartedly wear it and show it off but not only does it NOT do that it makes for stranger and creepier come ons.

I am not ashamed in any of being a single mother. I see friends that stay with their children’s fathers for the sake of being not single and I feel bad for them. I want to be happy — not attatched. If I can’t mutually have both then I’d rather the first.

Even wearing a ring doesn’t help keep the lechers and gossips away, unfortunately!

When I was far younger than I am today, and married, I wore my very traditional looking (diamond solitaire) wedding and engagement rings all the time. But I would nevertheless CONSTANTLY get hit on by random guys at work, or who I met riding the bus.

Even my PhD advisor was astonished when I told him I was married, because, he said, that people had been gossiping about how many men I’d been dating (?).

I think certain people will gossip about you no matter what. It’s just an illusion to think that a ring will protect you from that.

[...] This single mom wears a wedding ring! Why, oh why? - Rachel Sarah (Single Mom Seeking) [...]

Crazy Computer Dad nailed this one on the head. No one should judge Kirsten for her choices. No one has walked her shoes but her. I get the point some single moms are making here that you all need to walk the walk. That’s been a feminist cry for ages.

But putting Kirsten down for not being just like you isn’t exactly progress, either. As a single dad, I don’t put down other single dads who stay silent when the schools and their exes deny them communications - I simply point out the injustices I’ve faced, and keep trying to evolve.

We’re all in this together, and we all face different struggles.

I think that she does what she has to for her and her son. It’s her life. Why should Kirsten have to carry the banner of single motherhood if it isn’t what she wants to do?

And?

Isn’t single motherhood difficult enough without your judgment? You are bashing people who are judgmental of single moms, but you seem to have a healthy amount of it ready to put on other people.

[...] I didn’t realize what a passionate and proud single parent I’ve become until I read this. And now, Kristen is linking to this blog from hers! Hello [...]