I’m not sure how many of you saw this comment yesterday from one of the new single dads on the “blogging block:”
Just A Man’s Journey lost his wife one year after their divorce, and he’s raising two daughters (ages 9 and 4) and one son (age 7) on his own. He describes himself as “a full-time dad” whose “primary focus is the well-being and emotional health of my kids.” He regularly reads single mom blogs, where he gains “a lot of insight.”
“I was raised where sex is a private discussion and kept behind the closed doors of a relationship,” Just A Man’s Journey writes. “Today we see a culture that is more open with it.”
This is why he landed at Single Mom Seeking to ask a “question that I’d like to raise to this wonderful community of modern day mothers.”
“I am okay with the birds and the bees conversation as well as the puberty conversations,” he writes. But his concern is that “things are moving a whole lot faster pace than they use to.”
For example, he has followed the posts about sex toys here — “and I have my concerns about addressing certain things with them.”
I wrote him an email to say: “It’s clear that you want to do the right thing. Any mention of sex toys is not appropriate. This is for adults-only and is too much information.”
But I add: At this point, what’s important is that his daughters feel safe and comfortable asking him questions. Having another woman to lean on — his sister — is a great idea! It’s important for girls to know their bodies are THEIRS. Answer any questions they might have, and ask them questions in return (“Why do you think so-and-so?)
I think what Just A Man’s Journey is really concerned about is this: his daughters will soon have their share of questions about their bodies, boys, relationships…. He wonders if he should answer these questions, or ask another woman to do so?
He ends: “Maybe I am just thinking too far in advance or maybe I just need to cover more things that were hidden from me by both parents and society. Any advice?”
Time for you to jump in! Single moms, let’s hear your advice.
Single dads of daughters, time to speak up!
Photo from simmbarb
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Parenting seems to get more challenging with the constant stream of (mis)information directed at our kids. As questions come up, of course, answer them yourself.
You are going to have conversations about topics never whispered or imagined during your own growing up years. Be genuine about your own feelings. If you are confused; admit it; if you are appalled,say so. Your own example is the strongest message. Tell your kids what you believe about sex. Do not expect the school (or other adults) to teach more than the facts. Your children’s values and subsequent choices about sex will come largely from what you have taught and the behavior that you have displayed.
I’m not single, but I am a parent to 2 beautiful children (a boy and a girl). From an early age whenever they asked questions regarding childbirth and sex I answered them with an age appropriate response. I think as children grow up they will feel comfortable asking questions if you start at an early age. I always feel that they should ask me the questions…they should come to me…and so I always made myself readily available to speak about anything and everything. We have “open” conversations and it’s great!
My daughter is 14 and is somewhat naive despite what I have opened her to..it is just her.
I have answered all her questions and she hears what she wants to at her level. I make her watch PG-13 movies with me to help facilitate some of those questions and topics she does not want to hear about.
We tried to use a great work book a few years back but she wanted no part of it. I do recommend it though as it puts the adult and the kid on the same plain answering the same type of ?’s together. (things such as: grown up what are you embarrassed to talk about and kid what are you embarrassed to ask)
I also bought her a book about boy’s development as there is no male here. (She onced asked me if our pastor had 3 testicles because of some reference to My Big fat Greek Wedding….but alas she did not know even what a testicle was)
With a 9 y. o. buy tampons and pads NOW as the average start age is 11 and you want to be ready, at least with the ammo. celebrate this occasion with females..some have rites of passage dinners/events. I sent out an announcement to all my female friends with an index card and SASE asking for female advice/thoughts etc for the new”women” and then we made them into a book for her as they were returned
I have had her call my sisters husband to answer a few ?’s so keep your sis in the loop.
Talk to her school about any programs they use. Here they teach FLASH to all 5th graders and her teacher told them about oral sex because of the uprise of the “Rainbow Parties”. (how can we still be raising a generation of ‘stupid’ vulnerable females who still fall for this) You can ask for copies of this curriculum from the school or for the lessons to be sent home in advance so you know what she is being taught and you can follow through at home.
Children’s Hospital also has a great program for kids and parents to take together. I know a few who have gone through it and give it praise..so ask around your community. Some programs aren’t just about sex ed but about growing up in general or some focus on strengthening the bond between parent/child to help facilitate these conversations at home…..
Just a Man’s Journey —
I too lost my ex — about three years after we split up. My daughter was 2 1/2. You, however, not only have to deal with the death card, but raising daughters alone, and I feel for you.
My brother and I were raised by my father after our parents divorce (and subsequently, my mother’s disappearance). I was 13 at the time, and, as you can imagine, going through a whole host of puberty related issues.
My dad was THE BEST. He bought me tampons and pads when I was too embarrassed to. He never made a big deal about it — just made sure to have them in the bathroom every month. Come to think of it, I think he did this almost all the way through high school. When it came to any kind of sex talk, he was always very open and honest, and made me feel like I could go to him if there was ever a problem. The key is, he was proactive, and brought it up on his own. It’ll embarrass your girls, without a doubt, but they’ll be happy to know you’re there for them. Trust me.
Just the fact that you’re seeking advice is, to me, a pretty good indicator that you’re a loving and involved parent. I have a feeling you’ll do great.
Hi everyone, I have been reading some of the posts & like the feedback. This is a great site. I am a divorced Dad. I would appreciate some help. I have 2 daughters (8, 16) & 3 sons (16, 17, 17). Yes, two sets of twins.
My parenting time with my 8 year old is quite frequent, but my real issue is with the 16 year old (imagine that).
Her Mom told her to leave Wednesday & she moved in with me. Her Mom says she has been sneaking out & “screwing every boy she meets” & is manipulative, my daughter is acting innocent but is pressing me to go out. I did have a problem with her a few months ago. I chased her around town til 1:00 am, she did the “I am at my friends & we are already in bed sleeping thing.
So, I realize she is manipulative. Very defensive. She does pretty good in school & sports. Her Mom has tried to keep me limited to them since the divorce 12 years ago.
I want to keep my daughter with me permanently. Her Mom takes a sleeping pill at 7 pm & is out cold til 4 am for her work. This allows my teenagers to run wild. When I start to get a good hold on my 16 year old, she just goes back to Mom’s, where she knows that she can go back to sneaking out. Last night she went to work, supposed to get off at 10 pm, she didn’t get home til 11:30, had my truck, changed out of work clothes. I have been somewhat calm. I am trying to find out the people that she is hanging out with. I have a feeling it maybe her store manager, (adult) & some other people at work. Without jumping to conclusions, I want to get my daughter corralled & do the right thing.
I grew up with 4 sisters & was a teenage boy myself, so I have witnessed what can happen. Any help trying to keep my daughter celibate & out of trouble? I have a feeling if I am stern, she will run home to Mom, who threatened to throw her in a girl’s home next time. (my 8 year old is from another marriage, I have no issues with her Mom, we are separated & not sure if divorce is permanent).
My daughter started asking questions when she was 5 – not about sex itself but the biological aspects of development. I responded calmly and honestly – but only answering her question and not offering information. To date, I foster that relationship with her. She can talk to me about anything, and I work hard to respond with a calm frame of mind and as honestly as possible.
She has a great book called “It’s So Amazing.” It has allowed her the chance to read and answer her own questions, but has also allowed us to have conversations that are important.
For me, the difficulty is ensuring that she keeps those conversations within the family rather than taking what she knows to school etc. Some parents are not as open about the names of body parts etc as I am – I don’t want their kids learning things from mine!
For me, the key is having an easy and honest way of answering the questions and handling the topic. There is nothing they can ask that isn’t a natural part of growing up. If it is made a “big deal” than it becomes uncomfortable or “off limits.”
I want my daughter to be very comfortable with her body and her sexuality – so for me education and honesty are key. I want her to understand the possible results of her actions as well.
But nothing before she is ready – and never more than she is able to understand.
Perhaps the daughters have a close aunt or cousin or other female relative with whom they feel comfortable just in case they would rather talk to a woman rather than a man?
(As honest and open as I am with my daughter, I am not sure that toys will ever be a part of our conversations)
It’s a little early for the sex toys talk — if that’s even a parent discussion — but talking about sex, sexuality, pleasure, safety, etc. — should be part of the natural, organic way of connecting with our kids. What better gift to give our kids than feeling comfortable in their own skin?
Still, I imagine when the girls get older, they’d want to check in with a woman; I think that’s just the way it is and will continue to be. Having an aunt, friend, girlfriend, grandmother who is hip and honest, nonjudgmental and caring would be a wonderful resource.
I think that advice about sex from both sexes is extremely valuable. I got a lot of feedback from both parents (and they were divorced as well).
I agree with Dr. Leah about being honest about your feelings and fully express how you’re feelin at that very moment.
Just a side note: my sister recently contracted herpes at 20–she was with her second boyfriend–both do not sleep around. Both are hard working students. I asked her what advice she has for me as a parent. Here’s her reply: be honest with your children. Tell them exactly what happens or can happen. Yes, schools have sex ed but they still hide facts–like herpes is forever and not curable. Talk to your own children–don’t have someone else do it.
Thank you all for the feedback, it is greatly appreciated.
My kids are like sponges and will soak up information from all sources. I just want to ensure that they get the right stuff at the right times and it comes through me or a trusted resource before anyone else. We can all look around and see that times have changed and the world throws more at them then it did us “back in the day”. I just want to ensure I can adapt and provide them with the truth that will empower them to succeed…and some things just need a mother’s touch and a mother is just something I can never be.
Thank you Rachel for giving this topic some of your time.
I’m a single dad and had “the talk” with my daughter right before she entered 6th grade. We discussed sex, including oral, from several viewpoints – biology, love, peer pressure, etc. We talked for an hour.
The next day she called her aunt with followup questions. I think girls do want a woman’s opinion at some point.
My daughter’s mother never felt comfortable enough to join in on the discussion. To this date, I think she’s never addressed the issue (my daughter is now 16).
My daughter and I have great communication and a fabulous relationship, all of which started young. I don’t pretend to know everything about everything (especially about dating, even though I’ve been doing that for 8 years post-divorce), but she respects and seeks out my views.
Talking with your kids is essential. Letting them talk to other adults is important, as well.
Although I am not a mom, I am an aunt and I have counseled teens at a Planned Parenthood clinic. I have seen and heard a lot.
I highly recommend keeping mulitple lines of communication open to all of your kids. Let them know that they can ask you anything and that if they want to talk to another adult there is (insert person’s name) who is a good friend and who would openly discuss these topics with them. The key is for them (both girls and the boy) to feel comfortable talking with you. This allows you to teach them how to be healthy in the world and how to choose what is right for them.
Also, let them guide the discussion with their questions. As far as the uncomfortable nature of some of these questions… well….at times, you may blush and you may be really embarrassed …. this lasts only for a short time. At least you will know where their most of their information is coming from and you will foster a trust and openness that will transcend this topic.
I remain astounded by all of you: how open and honest you are, not to mention genuine and kind.
Thank you, thank you!
Well, I have a daughter and she told me about her period. she didnt want to address anyone else about it. i felt good about everything and so did she.