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When’s the last time you were out without the kids?
When I first moved back to the Bay Area six years ago this month, I was wedged between resentment and anger. I wasn’t what you’d call “a single mom by choice.” I hadn’t exactly chosen the “single” part.
Fortunately, I soon found two other local single moms — with daughters around Mae’s age — who have since become my “sisters.”
Siobhan owns a kids’ clothing store. The first time I saw Siobhan, her daughter was decked out in one of her mama’s hand-sewn cape with polka dots — and a matching hat. I spotted Arden and her daughter at a local swimming pool. I couldn’t stop staring at them: our girls are biracial, and looking at them was like looking in a mirror.
We swap kids if one of us has to run an errand (or go on a date!). We cook dinner with our girls once a week. But it’s more than that. We call each other or email almost every day. These women are my partners in a way. They’ve pulled me out of many “man holes.”
But I can count the times on one hand when we’ve gone out together — kid-free — in the past few years. One such night was a recent weekend, for a Bay Area awards night. Siobhan, who opened her kids’ clothing store the same year she had her daughter, was a finalist for the Oakland Indie Awards.
Siobhan runs an organic, fair trade, mama-powered shop on her own. My creative seamstress friend was up for “Innovator.” That says it all.
When I showed up to help Siobhan, I was wearing all-black. That wouldn’t do. In a flash, Siobhan found a skirt she’d just sewn, and I stepped into it. The only glitch was… the skirt was a tad too big.
Here we are — three single moms out for a night on the town. Although I do lose my skirt… you can’t see nothin’. Sorry!
Who’s in your “clan”? Who helps you get through the day?
Do you ever get to the chance to have a moms’ night out? Do tell.
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12 comments for “When’s the last time you were out without the kids?”
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Rachel,
I think it is so neat that you have your girlfriends to do things with! I definitely had more of that when I was single and childless..
I have one close friend who I get together with about once a month, but Lexi is always with us. We have lunch and then shop. I have another who comes to Chicago on business once a month and Lexi even accompanies me when I meet her for dinner. (She is childless and they’re crazy about each other.) So the only “me” time is if we meet for lunch during the day while I’m at work.
I have no single mom friends, so if I choose to go out at night my parents are usually available to babysit, but since they help me out with her during the week (keeping her in the a.m., taking her to school and picking her up), I try not to impose on them too much on the weekends. And I think I’ve mentioned that my “boyfriend” likes to go out, but I just can’t seem to want to go without her! Friends tell me I need to sometimes, but it’s so hard. I’m sure it will be easier as she gets older…
What a fun video! Perfect timing - I got your book in the mail Saturday - finished it EARLY Sunday morning … and here, I get a short video with the mom who gave you “don’t go back for more where there is only less!”
No kids nights? It’s been awhile!! Pinching pennies and I’ve been doing some babysitting instead of hiring one myself.
I think this single mom is due!
Tamra and I became neighbors when we were 7 months pregnant and had girls born 2 weeks apart. It wasn’t until they were 13 did we get a night out with just the two of us!!!!
Who gets me through? Oddly enough it is two married men whose wifes I don’t know.One is my hair dresser now for 10 years and the other a co-worker. They are both willing to listen and because they are married there is no sexual tension/dating stuff between us…just two nice guys or perhaps two guys who can pretend to listen well..but they both know what to say to give me strength, a smile, and affirmation of my single mom work and success.
When my daughter started school, I was wonderfully amazed at meeting some other great single mothers. None of us were “dating” much, but we formed a really supportive network.
I have a wonderful cirle of family and friends. There is usually someone among them that is willing to lend a hand if I need/want to head out. My sister has been known to take littleman for the weekend, my folks are my heros in the babysitting dept. and I have a few friends with kids so if any of us need to pop out, there’s always a friendly face and a welcome house to rely on.
I love hearing that all of of you have found your “family” in kind, genuine souls out there, too!
Judy, how cool that you have guy friends to lean on.
Angie, keep us in touch about your night out.
Jeanie, yes, once my kid hit elementary school, I found that there really were other single parents out there.
I am so envious. When I got married, my friends were single. By the time I had my daughter and, soon after, left my husband, they were far more interested in their own partners and careers and crazy social lives and are mostly absent. Another good friend just doesn’t get that brunch with a toddler is not a relaxing event.
I know exactly 3 single moms but we are all trying to juggle our own lives and have too many balls in the air. I might see one of them every couple of months w/o kids if our schedules line up.
When I first became a mum, I felt incredibly isolated and being a single mum increased that sense of isolation ten-fold.
I have a great circle of family and friends too, and lucky for my girl, her Daddy is very close by. We try to co-parent to her best benefit. (Certainly not at all easy, considering I don’t have much respect for the man). But coordinating all my mother friends, to get together and do something is so difficult. Between the kids activities and our home lives and jobs-it’s just not usually feasible. However, some of my girlfriends and I get together for girls night periodically (I always schedule around my daughter-only going if she has plans to be somewhere else). We plan them months ahead so everyone can make sure it’s convenient and we don’t do it unless we all can go. We also make sure to have wine, munchies or dinner and a place where we can sit and talk. Recently, we even played my friend’s daughter’s Rock Band game on XBox 360!
I love those ladies.
P.S. Arden was the name I always said I’d name my baby if I had been able to have another little girl.
And is that Mae modeling for Siobahns site?
I’m a single dad in the Bay area who loves kids, (I think you’ve seen the comics I made for them)…
Fun video! I love the skirt. Having other single mom friends is the best, isn’t it? After my 3 year relationship ended and I was on my own with my then 4 year old daughter, I suddenly realized I didn’t have girlfriends to lean on. I joined parents without partners and met some wonderful ladies that I am still close to, 8 years later. We’ve been watching each others kids grow up (some of them are already in college now! What?), and we have been a great support to each other. Our nights out have gotten fewer over the years. It seems that husbands take time away more than kids, because my then single mom friends went out a lot more before they became married mom friends. Or maybe we just got older, or more busy or more broke as our kids got older. But we still keep in touch and make an effort to get out now and then. Next Friday a bunch of us ladies are going to see the Sex and the City movie and have some drinks after. I can’t wait!
I’m still searching for my single mom friends, but reading about you and yours gives me hope that they’re out there
I think its great that you have such good friends who are in similiar situations as you. My “squad” consist of Naomi (27) and her daughter Brianna (1.5) and Kanetta (26) and her son Erron (4). Since I was the last one to get pregnant we’re going through my pregnancy together. They’ve been support system and been there for me through the freakouts, the disappearing baby daddy and all that good stuff.
Two of our friends are married so that they don’t hang as much as they used but they do hang. I often wonder what will happen after the baby getshere. Granted the father and I are somewhat of an item but he doesn’t do labels and isn’t ready to settle down. Do men really truly want to date, let alone marry, someone with a child already?