Comments on: Nowhere in your ad should you mention your children

By: mudmama

mudmama — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:59:29 +0000

Okay I come at this from the perspective of a previously single mom who knows my older sister’s stories of living through my mom’s dating years.

They had to sit quietly in a closet until my mother was ready to break out the news that she was a single mother.

So I was very upfront about my kids and well, I split up with their father (abusive prick) when I was pregnant so we weren’t talking about a house full of teens I had a baby a preschooler and a special needs kid approaching teendom. Honestly, anything more than coffee and a movie man was going to have to have some fortitude. I think it was less about truth in advertising than it was owning up to just how tough this dating thing was going to be.

I didn’t want to get together with a guy who saw me as being able to shelve the kids for spontaneous dates. I didn’t want to get involved with a guy who figured he could spend the night. I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who didn’t understand just how big a deal 3 kids were. We really were a package deal.

I ended up meeting a spec ed teacher with a huge heart btw.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:29:44 +0000

That’s just silly. Being a single parent is such a huge part of who we are, it makes no sense to even start getting to know someone without letting them know about it. I don’t necessarily agree that all guys who don’t want to date single moms are jerks. Everyone has their own preferences, and on the contrary I am also concerned about men who blow it off like it’s not a big deal(because maybe they aren’t in it for the long haul). Adding a kid (or kids) to the mix changes the entire dynamic of the relationship (probably in both good and bad ways)… some guys can handle it and some can’t, and it is a waste of time to go out with someone who can’t.

By: jeanie

jeanie — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 04:52:42 +0000

I checked the box and mentioned under “Films” that my most recent cinema trips had been to kids flicks.

That way it wasn’t a surprise but it wasn’t the main focus.

By: Jim E

Jim E — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 17:42:14 +0000

Are you joking? Single Moms are HOT! There is just no two ways about it. I would seriously respond to a single mom before an unexperienced single woman in an online posting. Lets face it, most of the paths to single motherhood are unpleasant. That means that single moms have already faced fears, looked reality square in the face, are working their butts off for the betterment of others and STILL come up smiling and full of hope. In my book, that makes them the queen of women. Single women with stars and hearts over their heads can just go sit down. There is no comparison.

By: judy

judy — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 17:03:02 +0000

I say leave the kid out of it. I am not wiling to make myself (as a parent) or my child vulnerable to someone whose motives and intentions I don’t yet know. Actually I have never allowed her voice on the answering machine…why set up something that doesn’t need to be

If after time he may be sticking around and it is time to share the kid info I would hope that he would respect the lengths I go to to protect those I love and to appreciate my sense of safe boundaries with my most precious gift.

By: Amy

Amy — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:11:22 +0000

I don’t think my opinion carries too much weight on this because my ex-husband and I have been apart for 3 years and I have not gone on one date or even seriously put a profile for online dating (that just isn’t my bag anyway). It isn’t that I don’t ever want to meet anyone – but I really didn’t enjoy “dating” before I married – I don’t think I’ll like it anymore now.

But in regards to whether to keep the kid thing a secret. A mother is part of who I am – and while I have a young child – it is a very large time commitment. I wouldn’t want anyone to get interested – then find out I had a child – and then have then just “try to deal with it” or “stick it out until the kid is 18″ just because they fell madly in love with me and took my child along as part of the package.

And call me crazy…but am I so completely out of touch that I think there wouldn’t be anything more wonderful than meeting a guy who was just as psyched about his kid as I am mine (or at least just as excited to have children). Someone who sees the romance in the everyday of raising children and having a family – someone who wanted to have a partner that could share the ups and downs of raising a family and then spend those “post child” golden years as a young at heart crazy in love couple with grandchildren who marvel at how in love they still are.

I read some study once about divorce and I think it said that “shared goals” were one of the key elements to keeping a marriage/relationship together.

Being a mom is my reality, having a strong, happy and healthy family is one of my goals and I can’t imagine wanting to be with a guy who was not only cool with that – but also saw it as something that he really wanted to be a part of.

Sigh….I probably am pretty out of touch -and terminally attached to the “fairytale”.

By: dadshouse

dadshouse — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:16:23 +0000

I started leaving a comment here, and it turned into a 500 word post! My take: 1) online dating does not work for finding a relationship. 2) do you really want a relationship that’s based on whether you check a checkbox or not?

If you must give your money to online dating sites, then leave the kid/no-kid box blank, go on some coffee/cocktail dates, have fun, don’t expect anything beyond flirting. OR – check the box, meet men who are into single moms, have way too many expectations, and feel frustrated when it doens’t work longterm.

That’s my 2 cents. My 500 words will appear on my blog soon…

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:07:12 +0000

Do check the box about kids.

There’s never a reason to go into a lengthy discussion about them in the profile, however.

Do be honest about how many you have, and how many more you’d like to have or that you don’t want to have early on.

But, I am wondering why the Postman didn’t mention that he has kids before you two even agreed to a date. That’s a big omission especially because it’s so presumptuous to think that a date will lead to anything more than that one night — what if one or the other (or both) decided, eh, (s)he’s not so great?

I’m all for withholding some info on date No. 1 — like you’re on Prozac or in your 10th year of therapy or something like that — but not mentioning your three lovely daughters is a big problem. And if that scared away women before, then, trust me, he’s so much better off than if the women liked him but not his kids.

By: Ms. Single Mama

Ms. Single Mama — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:39:54 +0000

I am soooo glad you found this article. And P.S., could be paranoid, but this article came out after my post on “the single mom dating conundrum.”

I think they ripped off my little theory.

I always make it clear that I have a son. I wouldn’t want to even bother with anyone who is uncomfortable with that.

By: Heidi

Heidi — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 12:58:39 +0000

I always mention the fact that I have children. But, never post pictures of them or give and other details about them. This is frequently a deal breaker especially given that I am 29 and most men in my age range don’t have children and have never been married. I could easily hide the fact that I have children and get a lot more interest, but that would be deceitful and lead me to attracting the wrong men. I am not interested in dating any man who isn’t willing to see my children and I as a package deal.

Dating as a single mom has many challenges. I am perfectly happy to remain single until I find the guy who is just right for me (and my kids!).