Need sleepover advice!

by singlemomseeking on April 14, 2008


If you’re the single mom of a wee little one, this is easy. Well, sort off.

Your little one sleeps soundly in the other room, and if he/she wakes up, you’re out of bed and there.

If you do invite someone over, you escort him out the door way before sunrise. But that was then.

When your child gets old enough to open a door, life gets trickier.

If there’s one single parent who knows where I’m coming from, it’s solo dad and author Trey Ellis.

When I saw Trey in NYC recently, I drilled him for advice about adult-slumber parties. After all, he’s parenting alone like me. How does he make grown-up overnights work?

Mostly, we ended up sharing stories of what doesn’t work (like trying to have a make-out session with someone on the sofa, when you suddenly hear a little voice say, “Go pee pee!”)

Here’s what DOES work:

1. Find childcare: If you have family or good friends nearby, they can take your child for an overnight — or, even for a “half” slumber party,

2. Plan: Spontaneous sex just isn’t part of single parenting. It might take out some of the thrill, but planning is essential.

3. Be content with having a seldom sex life. Having sex just once or twice a month? Uh, that’s not much. But it can be just enough.

So, what to do? Tell me:

How do you do IT?

Do you plan adult-only time when your kids are away?

How do you orchestrate a sleepover when there are kids in the house?

Photo by lexus999.

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

susan June 24, 2008 at 6:20 am

I have been divorced for three years. I relocated to a new city and started dating a man a couple months ago. He has started staying over. I have a five year old daughter. They know and like each other and I truly think he is a good person and we are in a committed relationship. My daughter sleeps downstairs but at night while we are sleeping, she wakes up and comes in my room. She has seen him there and asked why he is in my bed. She seems fine with it but I cannot help but feel guilty. Her father is not part of her life at all. Is this wring? Am I scarring her somehow? It seems fine but I am just not sure. Any ideas?


alicia May 24, 2008 at 5:56 pm

wow-i’m a little late,but this conversation is amazing. this is my 1st post. i am a SM of an amazing 7yr old & i agree 100% w/ Bee & Legal! it has only been him & I for so long, i couldn’t imagine the confusion in his head if i had to explain to him a very heavy, complex situation like seeing me in bed w/ someone. my son is very intelligent & very bright. i will not put him through that. it just not necessary. we are adults-we have the burden to make the difficult choices. i can look at this from two perspectives: i was raised by a SM & i remember “sleepovers” when i was 6,15,& coming home from college at 19. believe me, it does affect your views about sex & love! it also affected the way i saw my mom at times. and she was a good mom-she did an amazing job. however,the sleepover thing is a slippery slope-even when you think you’ve found “the one”.


Madame X May 24, 2008 at 5:53 pm

I have just accepted that it’s not going to happen. Period.

I have no ex that can take the kids for a weekend. Okay, well…I do, but it wouldn’t be legal.

My dad is wandering around in Asia. My mom is heavily medicated. My one sister is in Arizona, the other too busy herself. My brother is a…dick.

Friends? Oh, yeah. I just moved here (in the middle of nowhere) a few months ago. I have two kids.

I don’t see a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex (unless it’s with myself) any time in the near future.

And really, I can’t (and don’t want to) pay someone to watch my kids so I can run off and get laid.

Wish I had a single mom girlfriend nearby that could trade weekends with me and the kids could sleep over there one week, then at my place the next. *sigh*


Amy April 24, 2008 at 7:21 am

I need to make one thing clear – that I didn’t in my post — and that is that I would NEVER have a boyfriend stay over unless I knew it was serious. LIke get married serious. I wouldn’t even introduce him to my kids without that.

In saying that, could I make a mistake? Could I think that I am going to marry somebody & then have it end up that we don’t? Sure. But like most things in life you have to take that leap of faith… and I have to trust myself and my feelings… and my kids.

I agree with singlemom – sex is not bad. If you do not believe in sex before/without marriage then that is one thing… but if you are ok with it – then…

I am in no way advocating that my chidren are old enough to know/talk about sex (6 & 8) – but I am saying that they can understand that I love my boyfriend and we want to be together. Like couples do.


Carrie April 21, 2008 at 8:55 pm

wow, after reading all this, I just thought I’d post what I do…

I’m in a committed relationship that is long distance. We see each other once a month, mostly in my city, since he’s planning to move here. However, as of this moment, he is not a consistent part of my nearly-3-year-old’s life. So, I don’t talk him up. They don’t talk on the phone unless my son happens to ask to talk on the phone to whomever I’m talking to (which lately, he does often, but usually, I talk to my significant other after the little man is sleeping). When he comes to spend the weekend, he spends it here, in my home. Aware of how attached my son is to me, I have chosen not to make it seem like this man is sleeping in my bed, because sometimes my son likes to snuggle with me there (we have special Saturday snuggle days). We go to bed after my son goes to bed, and before my son wakes up, we are dressed and getting breakfast ready with playtime for him waiting.

When he moves to my city, it is not to move in with me… he’ll be getting his own place, and we’ve already talked about setting boundaries (that will be VERY hard to keep) for my son’s good. I don’t want him to think that anyone is moving in on his mom too quickly. We will probably have one or two dinners at my place during the week, and one sleepover on the weekends. From there, I’m sure the way will be made known as we will be moving further and further into committed territory.

My plan is to answer my son’s questions as honestly as I can whenever they come up. The other day, in the bath, he asked me, “Momma, why do I have these two balls under my penis?” and I said, “because when you’re a grown up they will help you to make babies.” He seemed completely satisfied with that, and I was, too, knowing that my own parents would have blown a question like that off, or said, “stop touching yourself!” I learned that I could tell him the truth in answer to the question that he asks… no more no less, just give him the answer.

It takes discipline to do what you think is right for your child and your family and I think that is the common thread that we all share. It also takes a lot of courage to just tell the truth and save yourself from potential hypocrisy.


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