Chrissy at Glamour does it. She refers to her baby’s father as “SD,” as in “sperm donor.”
Ms. Single Mama has a whole category about her ex-husband.
In her blog, Solo Mother pleads her ex-husband to answer her emails about her son, but he won’t respond.
Dad’s House recently wrote about the fact that communication with his ex-wife about their kids “flows decidedly one way – from Dad’s house to Mom’s house – hardly ever the other direction.”
I’m guilty of it, too. I’ve blogged about M’s father, and later wrote about my ex-boyfriend, whom I’d fallen for five years into single motherhood.
This weekend, the New York Times had a great piece — “When the Ex Blogs, the Dirtiest Laundry Is Aired” –about how many of us use blogs to voice our gripes. Do you?
I appreciate what this reader in the New York Times says re: blogging about your ex: “One of the most unhealthy behaviors is repressed anger, and if letting it out helps then a blog or YouTube is great.”
Another reader, however, questions whether “Americans are exhibitionists who will do anything for attention.”
This one concerns me, too: “I think that posting information on the Internet that can eventually be read by — and be hurtful to — your children (like citing them as a cause of your divorce) is despicable.”
What you think about blogging about your ex? Is it healthy venting? Or thoughtless purging?
I love how Julia Allison, a writer at Time Out New York, puts it:
“Breaking up is already traumatic; you are literally going through a chemical withdrawal, a state akin to that of a recovering heroin addict. No one possesses good judgment during this time. This is why, for years, advice columnists have suggested writing angry letters to your ex and then throwing them away. Except now people vent via venomous blogs…
The lesson? When in a relationship and especially when ending one, take a deep breath and Step. Away. From. The computer.”
If you blog, do you write about your ex?
Has your ex ever found your blog? Are you concerned that your kid(s) might read what you say about your ex one day?
Photo courtesy of Ralaelin.
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I absolutely blog about my ex. I began blogging because I needed an outlet for everything going on at the time — becoming a single mother, being thrown out of my house, dealing with the knowledge of a philandering husband, divorce proceedings, etc.
I have never written anything on my blog about my ex that I wouldn’t someday tell my children. I have been sufficiently vague about the details of the really ugly stuff.
I certainly don’t intend to sit my pre-school aged children down and explain why their father is an asshole, but someday I certainly intend to show them how he scribbled “WHORE” in a bunch of my books before he returned them to me after I’d moved out (never mind that he’s the one who is a 5x cheater). I’m not out to turn them against their father, but I am not going to cover for his shameful behavior either.
As for the ex reading the blog…I don’t know if he knows about it. If he does, he’s never mentioned it to me. And I don’t think he’s the type to be able to keep his mouth shut. But who knows…
Wow, guilty as charged. I write about my ex AND my kid (my friends, too!) — but since I have a nom de plume, I feel somewhat protected.
But I do acknowledge it’s dicey stuff; I blogged about it back in January, http://blogs.marinij.com/katwilder/2008/01/dangerous_times_to_be_dumped.html
I think the best policy is to not say anything you wouldn’t say to his face. It doesn’t serve anyone any good to get nasty, even if it feels good in the moment.
I do.
I have to.
If I didn’t, I would explode.
The entire point of my blog is therapy but letting it all out.
and yes…every even nasty little thing I write about him or his ridiculous wife, are all things I would love to say to them in person, but not allowed to per my attorney.
As for my child ever finding out. I literally have a 3 in binder…of every email, every link I have found on the web, every private message, instant message, anything detailing the black and white truth of the drama that has unfolded over the last 4 years.
I wouldn’t dare let him read it until he was old, and mature enough to handle the content. But as much as I know my Ex and his wife, tend to distort, and manipulate the truth, I have it for him to read.
I hear all of you about the reason why you feel the need to blog about your ex.
But, I must share my point of view. Even though, as a 34 year old successful and professional woman, it still hurts me to this day when one of my parent talks badly about the other. And, yes, there’s the touch of the truth in it, but still, she is still my mom and he’s still my dad. And, regardless of what the other did, no matter how awful, it still hurts. They’ve been divorced for 32 years. I’ve asked them to stop talking badly about the other. My mother has completely respected that–and my father, well, I’m still working on it. He’s getting better at it though. Whatever happened between them should remain that way and keep the kids out of it. We, kids, didn’t have anything to do with it in the first place so why should we be included in their remarks?
My daughter does have a father who is very rarely in the picture, doesn’t pay child support and was not at all nice. She asked why we got divorced—I respond by telling her that we grew apart and was having a hard time getting along. I feel that when she gets older, she can contact him if she has any questions–but I refuse to talk badly about him. She misses him even though she hasn’t seen him in a year. Point—she still loves him.
Hear, hear avigail74- you go, girl. Write the vitriole, then burn it ceremonially. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. (I haven’t always followed my own advice here, and I regret it. Children deserve for the sane parent- ha! ha!- to act as such.)
As the adult child of parents who keep no part of their relationship a secret – and I do mean NO part. I will admit that the slandering back and forth did and still does some damage on me. BUT – my parents commnents about eachother are personal attacks, opinions, emotions at the moment, etc…designed to get teh kids on a “side”.
On the other hand, I know people who have kept the whole “story” a secret from their children. I don’t think that is entirely wise.
I do a blog on Babycenter and while much of it was about my daughter – the separation and divorce that came over her first three yeras naturally found its way there. I don’t lie. I try to be sensitive about unnecessary details or words – but the fact is that he is a drug addict. The fact is that he does have anything to do with her. To be dismissive of those things – things that she can clearly see with her own eyes and feels with her heart – almost seems to be diismissive of her feelings as a child who was abandoned by her father.
I do work some stuff out for myself in the blog. I state the fact of what happen and then focus on my emotions – not in how to get back or react to him – but on how to heal and get over this. For my daughter, who will one day be a woman – showing her that – is going to be valuable to her. I am careful not to trash him for who is is – but I will not lie about what he has done. In trashing him I am also trashing half of where she came from. That can be dangerous.
Amy
I am going to assume this means about the father of the child(ren). Because I blog about my ex all the time, however he is not the father of my daughter(Thank God!)…although, I am concerned if he does find my blog, that it would be more of a safety issue for myself then anything else…Though I can not sit by and feel like what I had went through and how I came out(abused) could not help another woman going through what I went through.
Now the sperm donor of my daughter..well, who cares..he has never and will never step up…so whatever, we are so much better without him, and I am not just saying that:)
I don’t think it’s healthy to vent about an ex in a public blog, at least when the ex is still in the picture and friends/family can read what you wrote. Words can be very damaging. As such, I’m super cautious about what I write. I have other outlets for when I’m really pissed off.
Looking back at an ex-girlfriend – she did some things that really upset me, and at the time I wanted the entire world to know about the injustices. Five years later, I’ve forgiven and softened and have fond memories of our time together. Time can heal.
Funny that you should write this. I JUST did some “housekeeping” recently. I went through my blog and deleted the posts that I a) wouldn’t want my ex to read, and b) wouldn’t want Theo to read one day when he is older. I thought it was the best thing for me to do. Now, I’m not saying that I still don’t have a couple of posts that vent my frustration with the ex, but the ones I decided to leave there are ones I could “live with” should either of them come upon them one day.
I am careful about what I say about my ex in my blog because we have a pretty good relationship, and I’m just not into airing stuff about anyone — except me. (The fact I am not anonymous is a big part, too.) What’s funny is that my ex found my blog one day and he left a comment on a post I had jokingly titled “Is Susan Really the Devil’s Bride?” (…”Of course not, she’s divorced.” Ba dum dum.)
He left me a comment admitting to some of his errors, but I omitted the more personal part of it before I approved it. Even if he was admitting to being wrong about some things, I felt it wasn’t for anyone else to see but me.
PS. Dad’s House, the devil post was a follow-up to my rant about e-Harmony. I know how much you like online dating!
Question? Whatever happened to journaling or before that diaries. Why is there such a need to share with the universe? If ‘therapy” is about releasing it out and onto paper, then put it onto paper. However , if you really have to expose yourself to whomever may cyberamble your way, is there another motive?
I’ve got to update this post to include ALL of you bloggers who vent about your exes. Thank you Dawn, Amy, Kat, Ana. I’m going to check out your posts.
Susan, I scoured your blog for any mention of your ex. Ah ha, you’re very civil. Good goin’ mama.
Issa: I know what you mean by house-keeping. Hindsight is wisdom for sure.
Judy: Great point. I still write in my journal, and that’s where my darkest, hardest feelings go. I do wonder what the pull is — why do so many of us communicate our anger to the world, in cyperspace? Anyone?
Amy—you’re right on the ball by just saying that the father has drug issues–and leave it at that. I think it’s ok to tell a child that the other parent was struggling a bit without having to bad mouth him or her. That way, you’re telling some truth without having to pretend that nothing happened or keep protecting the other parent. I’m just concerned about bad mouthing the other parent–that’s where the real hurt lies.
This issue has come up very recently for me. All I know is that there is a fine line between venting and being meanspirited toward another. How much do we need to be validated by the world – people we don’t really know other than what we are willing to show? Very very hard. I am struggling big time with this.
I wrote about my ex when we were together and I sometimes write about her now – but I’ve never said a bad word about my ex in my blog. I didn’t when we were together and I don’t now. I know that it comes down to the purpose of the blog/writing but for me…it just doesn’t belong in my blog. I understand the need to vent or to hash things out and even to receive feedback on it. But there’s sometimes an element of passive aggressiveness in ex-bashing-blogging and that bothers me. If I sense that in reading someone’s blog, I am uncomfortable. If it appears to be simple expression of feelings and thoughts, I completely understand that. I’m too private to write about that stuff but don’t hold it against others who do.
-R.
Reasons 1-256 why:
I write & comment under a pseudonym. Why I don’t blog. And why I even rarely write emails to the wife. Especially at work. Even when using email, I usually take the perspective that it’s as ‘public’ as a piece of US mail. Not all that perishable, and fully able to be read later for some incriminating bits for someone to possibly use for nefarious purposes. So I’m fairly cautious. Not at all the bloggy type.
But hey, if I don’t like you or I’m having an argument with you, I’m more likely to say these things to your face than not. Then I’m likely to try and forget it if at all possible, or too troublesome or unresolvable. But hey, then again I don’t have any angry & bitter Ex’s either. I know. Go figure. And I know I’m still older than most of the people on the board here too! Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
My parents divorced when I was seven. There are a lot of things I remember about that time. Mostly my brother and I were outside of it, at someone else’s home. I don’t know everything that happened between them. I hear things during family discussions here and there. I’ve pieced some events back together. Mostly I have never really wanted to know and I still don’t. I know that I had two parents that loved my brother and I, and that they did the best they could for us once the differences were settled.
I’ve tried to do the same for my son. While I may vent to friends about his mom, I don’t mention her much in my blog. I have worked very hard over the last 6-7 years to make sure he has a good relationship with her. I really don’t think he ever needs to know the details about the mistakes and I firmly believe that the children will figure the important parts out when they are older, regardless of the distortions injected by one parent or the other.
I have said many things about ex-girlfriends on my blog, but I probably shouldn’t have done that either. I’ve taken some posts down. Some posts I don’t publish. I found that during the breakup of my marriage, writing was a very good outlet for my emotions. At times when I thought I would just go insane late at night I just started writing. The blog has been that for me since then. I vent frustrations, temper tantrums, etc. Many of us appear to have our lives all together, but my blog is a place where I can kind of write about everything that is both good and bad. I don’t have to take it out so much on family and friends. In some cases I have connected with others that are going through similar things…and it is nice not to be alone when going through some of those things. There are always unintended consequences though.
I think for me, blogging about my breakup (not from husband but from boyfriend) was more of an expression of feelings and thoughts – not so much a bashing. Trying to understand … and I can honestly say that the support I’ve found from the readers has helped in my healing process. I think my only bashing was renaming him Richard (Dick) in my blog. *laugh* I’m ok with that.
Ok so in my situation, my blog is virtually anonymous except for one friend whom I trust not to say anything. There isn’t the chance of my kiddo getting sight of it and the ex definitely won’t. So I do blog to vent. There would be more risk of it, if I wrote it all out in a journal-she’d be able to find that (besides I type really fast). And I don’t so much bash him, I just tell my side. I know he tells his…and he does so verbally. Although his side is “everyone else made up lies about me”.
I do it, but it’s interesting how the perspective shifts with time and distance from the pain. I used to let her rip because I found writing so cathartic … but I always protected the anonymity of the other person by changing his name. Now that I’ve healed the scars from recent relationships, the people about whom I write probably wouldn’t mind being portrayed in the light they are. But I still keep them anonymous, out of respect.
It’s interesting that you wrote about this today, as I wrote a blog post about a past relationship last night.
My ex-husband doesn’t even know how to use a computer. I, like Dad’s House, try to be very careful about what I write. The best things about blogs … some day, when he’s old enough to read it I can just delete my entire category on the Ex.
And by the way … I never, ever, ever cut down Benjamin’s father in front of him. And I never will. Because like Avigail says, it’s too hard on the kids – no matter what their age.
Ms. Single Mama: you crack me up.
You deserve to be with a man who’s sending you technological love notes at least a few times a day.