Here’s a thought. As you get older, it is the men who get defensive about NOT having children. They hem and haw about how they got to be forty something and have no children or the divorced guys are explaining (sort of) how their children are now living (happily) at a great distance from him and he sees them . . .when?

Regarding the kids . . . I had the opportunity recently to talk with a nationally known matchmaker and we discussed this very topic. She recommended not mentioning you have children as your opening line. She feels that single moms are too strident in their approach often telling the guy how she and her kids are a package deal with a take it or leave it tone. She advises to let the guy get to know you and, frankly, let your relationship flourish and grow before bringing the kids into the mix. She wasn’t saying lie about having kids, of course. She was suggesting, however, that it’s a better move not to make demands early in the relationship (like the first date!) or seem so totally “mommy centered” that he gets the impression that there is no room for him in your life.

How did I handle it? I would always mention in conversation that I had two children (mine are now grown) and leave it at that. More out of politeness than real interest, the guy would ask their ages and, typically, if my son played sports (yes!).

Honestly, however, if I wanted to chat about my kids, I had an army of girlfriends eager and willing. I found adult conversation on non-kid topics a welcome relief. I dated my fair share of jerks and never regretted keeping my private life separate from my children.

I’m with you, I am proud of being a single mom!

However, I’m with the LavaLife crew with the suggestion of not bringing it up - or even worse I guess - not even checking the box. I wouldn’t go as far as a date, I would bring it up in an introductory email.

Reason? Predators. I wouldn’t want to unintentionally attract someone who is interested in me because I have kids. At least if we get to the first email, I know he’s interested in me.

I am a little paranoid about said issue!

When I did jdate I always put that I have kids - & at one point I had a photo of me with them… until one date told me I shouldn’t for safety reasons…

I typically wouldn’t talk about them on the first date - unless asked. BUT, I realized it was much easier to date single fathers than just plain “single” guys. Or, rather, the guys without kids did not want to date me. I will never forget one reply: “I’m sorry. I don’t date moms.”

Why not mention you’re a single parent and that you’re proud of your children? What, so maybe you’ll get noticed by someone who’s on the single w/o kids track? Please…being a single parent is a large part of who I am. Why would I not advertise that? I want meet someone who’s going to say, “Wow, what great guy AND he’s a dad…excellent!”

By only checking a box with a generic “Has kids” without any kind of detail seems like…I dunno…like the person is hiding something or gives me a feeling that the person is like “eh, yeah i have kids…they’re around here somewhere. You want to party or something?”

As a single dad, I like seeing a woman that has an interest in her kids…shows me she’s caring and loving towards her children. It gives me a little insight to her personality.

I love the assumptions women make about how us men folk think.

OMG…she’s talking about her kids…there’s no room for me in her life!

*chuckle*

To me it would be wrong, wrong, wrong not to check the box and wait to spring it on someone a date or two or more in that I have kids.

That’s nonsense.

I think in my last online ad I mentioned in “things I enjoy/favorites” that i enjoy reading bedtime stories to them. That was pretty much it. C’mon if you can’t take that, you have no business being a part of my life to begin with.

I check the box, but do not discuss my duaghter or my relationship with her in my profile.

Part of it is a fear of predators, as Angie said.

Part of it is a fear of the kind of guys who are actively looking for single moms–I’ve been accosted online by guys who start talking about how much they want to meet someone and start having babies, and it’s so not ok, and I don’t think they’d be doing that to girls who don’t have kids already. And that’s just with the little box checked.

Part of it is because I know, from having done it myself, that it is easier to eliminate someone than to choose them. An online profile is not a full disclosure document; it’s an advertisement. I bring up things that I think would make people interested in getting to know ME, and I am a person separate from my daughter.

I’ve had 1 (one) person get upset at me for not putting my daughter in my profile, but no one else has cared, and there have been several that have progressed to first date or more. I’m currently seeing someone who I met this way, we’ve been dating for several weeks now and my decision to tell him about my daughter on the first date has not been any kind of problem.

Look, for good or bad, it makes a difference. The easiest way to get rid of someone I’m not interested in when I’m online? Tell them I’m a mom. But if I tell someone in person, after they’ve met me and they’re looking me in the eye and have already learned a little about the (ahem) fabulous person I am, the fact that I am a mom no longer seems like such a huge, overwhelming thing. It’s just another thing about Andrea.

@Dr. Leah: I feel that there is a great disservice done to fathers whom have children in another town or state. Not all of us are bums, this is a stereotype. It is time that the collective consciousness as a whole and the women in these men’s lives specifically, support them rather than alienate them further.

In fact, you are not going to get very far with these men if you berate them for the choices they made or consequences they find themselves in, (as if all separated women always get it right).

Anyway, that said; when dating again, it should be about the adults first, and yes, it is important to weed out the people who cannot, or will not, love your children. Which means checking off that box, while emphasizing you in your profile, and not your kid(s).

Thanks Dr. Leah! So, let him know that you have kids, but not TMI (too much info)…

Angie and Andrea: I hear you about that fear. Good for you for going with your gut and being protective.

Dan: You cracked me up. You mean there are some guys who are so together they’re not intimidated? Women, do you hear this guy? Bravo.

Susan: I think reading your kids bedtime stories is one of the most giving actions in the world. Men should be falling all over you.

Christian: Great to hear from a single dad! Thanks for pointing out that there are involved, loving dads out there, even if there is physical distance.

I always mention the fact that I have children. But, never post pictures of them or give and other details about them. This is frequently a deal breaker especially given that I am 29 and most men in my age range don’t have children and have never been married. I could easily hide the fact that I have children and get a lot more interest, but that would be deceitful and lead me to attracting the wrong men. I am not interested in dating any man who isn’t willing to see my children and I as a package deal.

Dating as a single mom has many challenges. I am perfectly happy to remain single until I find the guy who is just right for me (and my kids!).

I am soooo glad you found this article. And P.S., could be paranoid, but this article came out after my post on “the single mom dating conundrum.”

I think they ripped off my little theory.

I always make it clear that I have a son. I wouldn’t want to even bother with anyone who is uncomfortable with that.

Do check the box about kids.

There’s never a reason to go into a lengthy discussion about them in the profile, however.

Do be honest about how many you have, and how many more you’d like to have or that you don’t want to have early on.

But, I am wondering why the Postman didn’t mention that he has kids before you two even agreed to a date. That’s a big omission especially because it’s so presumptuous to think that a date will lead to anything more than that one night — what if one or the other (or both) decided, eh, (s)he’s not so great?

I’m all for withholding some info on date No. 1 — like you’re on Prozac or in your 10th year of therapy or something like that — but not mentioning your three lovely daughters is a big problem. And if that scared away women before, then, trust me, he’s so much better off than if the women liked him but not his kids.

I started leaving a comment here, and it turned into a 500 word post! My take: 1) online dating does not work for finding a relationship. 2) do you really want a relationship that’s based on whether you check a checkbox or not?

If you must give your money to online dating sites, then leave the kid/no-kid box blank, go on some coffee/cocktail dates, have fun, don’t expect anything beyond flirting. OR - check the box, meet men who are into single moms, have way too many expectations, and feel frustrated when it doens’t work longterm.

That’s my 2 cents. My 500 words will appear on my blog soon…

I don’t think my opinion carries too much weight on this because my ex-husband and I have been apart for 3 years and I have not gone on one date or even seriously put a profile for online dating (that just isn’t my bag anyway). It isn’t that I don’t ever want to meet anyone - but I really didn’t enjoy “dating” before I married - I don’t think I’ll like it anymore now.

But in regards to whether to keep the kid thing a secret. A mother is part of who I am - and while I have a young child - it is a very large time commitment. I wouldn’t want anyone to get interested - then find out I had a child - and then have then just “try to deal with it” or “stick it out until the kid is 18″ just because they fell madly in love with me and took my child along as part of the package.

And call me crazy…but am I so completely out of touch that I think there wouldn’t be anything more wonderful than meeting a guy who was just as psyched about his kid as I am mine (or at least just as excited to have children). Someone who sees the romance in the everyday of raising children and having a family - someone who wanted to have a partner that could share the ups and downs of raising a family and then spend those “post child” golden years as a young at heart crazy in love couple with grandchildren who marvel at how in love they still are.

I read some study once about divorce and I think it said that “shared goals” were one of the key elements to keeping a marriage/relationship together.

Being a mom is my reality, having a strong, happy and healthy family is one of my goals and I can’t imagine wanting to be with a guy who was not only cool with that - but also saw it as something that he really wanted to be a part of.

Sigh….I probably am pretty out of touch -and terminally attached to the “fairytale”.

I say leave the kid out of it. I am not wiling to make myself (as a parent) or my child vulnerable to someone whose motives and intentions I don’t yet know. Actually I have never allowed her voice on the answering machine…why set up something that doesn’t need to be

If after time he may be sticking around and it is time to share the kid info I would hope that he would respect the lengths I go to to protect those I love and to appreciate my sense of safe boundaries with my most precious gift.

Are you joking? Single Moms are HOT! There is just no two ways about it. I would seriously respond to a single mom before an unexperienced single woman in an online posting. Lets face it, most of the paths to single motherhood are unpleasant. That means that single moms have already faced fears, looked reality square in the face, are working their butts off for the betterment of others and STILL come up smiling and full of hope. In my book, that makes them the queen of women. Single women with stars and hearts over their heads can just go sit down. There is no comparison.

I checked the box and mentioned under “Films” that my most recent cinema trips had been to kids flicks.

That way it wasn’t a surprise but it wasn’t the main focus.

That’s just silly. Being a single parent is such a huge part of who we are, it makes no sense to even start getting to know someone without letting them know about it. I don’t necessarily agree that all guys who don’t want to date single moms are jerks. Everyone has their own preferences, and on the contrary I am also concerned about men who blow it off like it’s not a big deal(because maybe they aren’t in it for the long haul). Adding a kid (or kids) to the mix changes the entire dynamic of the relationship (probably in both good and bad ways)… some guys can handle it and some can’t, and it is a waste of time to go out with someone who can’t.

Okay I come at this from the perspective of a previously single mom who knows my older sister’s stories of living through my mom’s dating years.

They had to sit quietly in a closet until my mother was ready to break out the news that she was a single mother.

So I was very upfront about my kids and well, I split up with their father (abusive prick) when I was pregnant so we weren’t talking about a house full of teens I had a baby a preschooler and a special needs kid approaching teendom. Honestly, anything more than coffee and a movie man was going to have to have some fortitude. I think it was less about truth in advertising than it was owning up to just how tough this dating thing was going to be.

I didn’t want to get together with a guy who saw me as being able to shelve the kids for spontaneous dates. I didn’t want to get involved with a guy who figured he could spend the night. I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who didn’t understand just how big a deal 3 kids were. We really were a package deal.

I ended up meeting a spec ed teacher with a huge heart btw.