When you find the answer - please, please, please share!

I haven’t had a guy in the house when the children are home - ever. That would make sex 2-3 times a year for this single mama!

Hmmm … a lock on the door? I am approaching this situation myself. With my ex, it wasn’t an issue, we were as far as I knew, getting married. *SNORT* Ok so on to plan B. My daughter as of late, has decided that sleeping with me is the best thing for her. Ever since Dick left, as a matter of fact. Another big thank you to him. I digress … does she ever spend the night at a friends? Slumber parties? Grandparents? GODPARENTS? Anyone? Bueller?

I have my son full time during the school year with his mom maybe taking him at Thanksgiving, part of Christmas, and part of Easter. She does have him for the whole summer. Just recently her parents have acquiesced to taking him for a day or a weekend again…maybe once a month.

Lock on the door is a must. Mine hasn’t figured out how to open them yet, but mostly because I don’t give him a reason/opportunity and I keep any instruments small enough to do the job in secure locations.

And by all means make sure you lock the door if you aren’t in the habit of doing so….

My son doesn’t wake up for ANYTHING. Once he is out, he is gone. I have to wake him out of his coma every morning, it isn’t easy. It really helps for sleepovers though.

Keep ice cream in the freezer. If by chance a curious little person does come calling, letting them know there is icecream in the freezer and they can help themselves to it will buy you time. Video games, movies, or television shows are good distractions if an unplanned moment looms imminent.

You probably want to figure out what to say to your child just in case a “discovery” takes place….and getting up EARLY to sneak out may seem kind of silly (or REALLY frustrating) but it does help avoid awkward meeting moments. It has happened to me and you don’t want it happening to you….

It was a challenge for us.

I wasn’t used to having a “man” around with my kids — because by the time my X left we were really not having much of a sexual relationship…. But then I got into the zone of thinkiing… hey - married couples do it all the time, don’t they? I’m not doing anything “wrong” - just taking the same risks they do.

When my boyfriend started to stay over he slept on the pull out couch - as my kids got more used to him staying over.. being there in the morning, he moved into my bed. Now we just make sure the kids are asleep, the doors are shut (I don’t even have locks) and are quiet. Can we have wake up sex? No. Not unless we wake up at 5 am. My kids get up early — but night time - no problem.

Have we been surprised a few times? You betcha. But I for one know I surprised my parents more than once… it happens.

The whole thing just takes a bit of getting used to…but it’s well worth it in the end!

Three simple words: Don’t Do It.

Married couples getting caught is quite different than a single mom with a mate who may or may not be there for the long haul, and I’m not going to take the chance. My daughter looks up to me and as she gets older, I want her to continue to respect me. Her father is THE ONLY man she’s seen in my bed and unless circumstances change drastically, I plan to keep it that way. I feel I have a moral obligation to be the best possible role model I can, and in doing so, she’s much more likely to follow my example.

Frustrating at times, yes, but it can be done. You have a support system so I say work it out. While making arrangements can sometimes be tricky, you should respect your daughter and not entertain men overnight when she’s there.

OK, remember - I’m no pro at this sleepover conundrum. As I am more prude on the issue than I feel it warrants. So take my thought with a grain of salt.

While reading Legal Editor Mom’s comment, I can’t help but have my feminist mind flare up. I know I’m not going to be naive enough to expect my daughter to wait until marriage to have sex - in fact I would rather she wait and have life experiences before getting married.

So, my question. If, by having a facade of single celibacy, are we teaching our girls the wrong lessons? Sure, don’t parade one night stands - or even a half dozen a year - in front of her. But, perhaps it’s not terrible to show her how a responsible adult relationship works.

I guess I’m still working it out in my head too, but maybe the bottom line. Do you want your daughter to believe love or marriage is the criteria to have an adult sleepover?

I agree with Legal Editor. Why? Because these little kids become teenagers. They do not have the moral/ethical maturity or even neural development to understand, or put into context what you are doing, even if it’s someone you love. That comes with maturity… something many of us don’t get into adulthood. Kids put adult actions into kid size rationalization, or eventually, teen size rationalization.

I have a feeling many of your commenters on this post have young children. It’s much different as they get older, and in a way I believe adult sleepovers when one’s kid is young are just going to make dealing with a teenager more challenging. And who wants that!?! Believe me: I have a teen and it’s hard enough without exposing them to adult relationships such as sleepovers at an early age.

And I agree also with her statement about respecting a child regarding such very grown-up, mature content. I’m sort of surprised someone else actually posted that, because I’m usually quite alone in my opinions regarding sleepovers. Maybe there are others, but they usually keep quiet.

I second Bee and Legal..stay away from it. I have a teenager and there is NO way I am having a sleepover….almost…a good male friend of 10 years had too much liquor and crashed one night. I even bared the brunt of that..the focus became his drinking and the evils of that…so there is no winning.

The sleepover will come with the ring after a long (and romantic) courtship or the college send-off.

I have been a single mom for 12 years or since she was 2…I had 3 relationships she knew about that involved sleepovers.The first 2 she does not remember at all. The 3rd one she somewhat remembers but not to the extent that it actually was. That last one ended while she was in kindergarten.

Wow, this is certainly a spirited issue — and a multi-faceted one.

As all of you have pointed out, there are many, many issues here. I respect anyone who sticks to certain morals, such as Legal Editor Mom.

At this point, I’ve been a single mom for 8 years. It will be at least another decade before I’m alone in my home (that was very hard to write, I can hardly imagine the day).

I know: I can hold out for another decade, during which I might have sex once a month…My question is: What if I am seeing a very decent, kind, responsible man — and we are committed. Then what?

As Angie points out: what if, one day, you do find yourself in a mature, respectful relationship with a man? How do you take the next step when you have a kid?

I know one case in which a single mother was with a man for over a year. The kids knew that their mom was dating, and they spent some weekend afternoons with their mom and him. But the kids did not know about their mom’s adult slumber parties. They had no clue because they were at their dad’s house whenever the boyfriend came over.

Then bam, one day, the mom announced that she was getting remarried. The kids were shocked — and very resentful.

I really hear what you mamas say about having teenagers. I think that the age of your child is a big factor — do you?

I’d love to hear from more single parents of tweens and teens… I do have a tween now, I suppose.

SMS: If you find yourself in a mature, respectful relationship with a man, then taking the next step would probably mean eventually getting married. (You thought your relationship with the Israeli was mature and respectful, correct? Where did that lead?)

And sorry if I’m coming across harsh, because of course marriage is not the only way sleepovers can happen, but your private life should remain private. There are ways to adjust your children to a new man so that marriage is not such a shock. But still, it doesn’t have to involve sex!

Angie: Part of responsible adult relationships is making good choices.
Maybe I have higher moral standards than some single moms these days, but I’ve thought long and hard about the kind of adult I want my daughter to become, and I’m doing all I can to promote that. It’s not about making them believe that love or marriage is the criteria for an adult sleepover, but there’s a time and a place for everything. And I believe that keeping my adult sex life out of my home is best for us.

Bee and Judy: I’m glad I’m not alone in my no nonsense attitude. You both seem to get where I’m coming from with impressions and having a harder time parenting LATER, long after the satisfaction of an orgasm wears off.

Finally, SMS, by your comments it seems that being single for 8 years or 18 years is very troublesome for you. I guess I’m just not that bothered by the possibility. If you simply can’t bear it, then I truly hope that you do find Mr. Right, and that it works out for all of you. And in the meantime, if you do decide to have male sleepovers, while I won’t be partaking, I will enjoy reading about them!

This discussion is so important. These issues come up constantly in my work with single moms.

Teen-ager/school-age/toddlers—each age group seems like a whole different situation?

Would you agree?

Your kids walking in on you with someone they don’t know is a world away from walking in on your parents. No upside.

When my kids were school aged, I had a lock on my bedroom door. I locked the door definitely when I was having sex (after the kids were in bed) but, also, when I needed alone time and/or time to study (I was in graduate school and later studying for post graduate exams). So, a locked door was not a signal for the kids’ curiosity meter to register.

In fact, because there was FAR MORE studying than sex, the locked door became associated with finding something quiet to do and not bothering Mom unless it was a true emergency. Asking if they could open the root beer, for example, was not an emergency.

My kids learned quickly that the quieter they were—left Mom alone–, the quicker the studying got done, and Mom would be available —what they wanted far more than root beer, if you catch my meaning. A locked door at night signaled late night studying. Nothing more.

I also insisted that they knock on the locked door and wait for me to answer. Later, when they (too quickly!) became teen-agers, I extended the same courtesy to them. You may think that your kid would never do this, but remember all the rules your kids obey at school and all the rules they make when they play among themselves. Kids flourish with structure.

So anxious to hear your thoughts!

Teen mama here…. my almost-teen son (and younger kids) sleep like the dead, so I wouldn’t worry much about them. HOWEVER my almost 15-y-o- daughter’s room is next to mine, and while I have done sleepovers in the past (over 1.5 years ago now) and with a man the children knew, loved, and we thought it was permanent… I would really hesitate to do that again now that my daughter is older. (Younger kids- put the lock on the door, have the person leave EARLY, etc. It is more possible…)
The onus would fall on me to keep my private life private (and their innocence innocent). This could be done w/a rendezvous during the day or after dinner, etc. Yes, it’s great to sleep with your beloved- in both senses of the term- in your bed or his and not worry about secrecy. BUT by the time the kids hit the early teens, it’s all about them… and you’ll know this because if you have a sleepover and they find out, you’ll feel WRONG. And if they don’t find out, you’ll feel RELIEVED! Usually, the internal monitor works for this stuff.

I’m not saying it’s great, I’m not saying it’s fair, but you’ll know when the day dawns that you would rather crawl into that hole Saddam Hussein was living in than explain to your 14 exactly why the man standing in front of her is in your house at 6am, even if he’s a man she’s met a few times. And she won’t give a crap that he is great and you love him! (NO that hasn’t happened to me- whew!)
:p

Love Dr. Leah’s idea.

My son is two but he’s now aware of these things…The thought of no sex, or sex a few times a year … ummm…not going to happen.

Here’s my plan. I will hire a sitter and go out as usual and then have sex in his house and dash home afterwards. It will be inconvenient but so be it. I’ve got to have my sex. : )

Rachel…this is tough for you b/c your guy lives out of town, right?

Dr. Leah,
Children’s ages definitely makes a difference as was pointed out. But since children don’t stay small forever, the real issue is how to handle the situation when they’re older, very impressionable, and just starting to make sense of things.

A lock on the bedroom door is a good idea but is really not the issue here. Sure a lock prevents them from walking in, but what happens when the mate is exiting from the locked door and runs into the kid? Or the kid just happens to be going to the bathroom or peaking out of his/her bedroom door and sees the man?

And studying with a locked door is one thing; having a man in the room is quite another (especially if night turns into morning!) And if your children are as smart as my daughter, the’d probably be asking why you’re studying (with a man) in the bedroom when there’s a home office or kitchen or dining room table, etc. Children are a lot smarter than we think…

I know of one single mom who allowed her boyfriend to sleep over when her tween-age children were home. The kids liked the guy and eventually he moved in. A few years later the couple got married and the daughter, who was then a teen, posed the question: “Why bother? You’ve been sleeping with him all along so why not save the money and just go on as you have been?” This was of course hurtful to the mother, and in retrospect, she wished she could do things over. Unfortunately she can’t. And this is simply not something that I want to address with my daughter. I plan to be open and honest with her, but there are just certain things that I’m not willing to do in front of her. Again, I want her to respect me and not have any of my mistakes to throw in my face when she’s older and struggling with her own womanhood and sexuality. I am far from perfect, but I do act on things like this only after assessing the situation and the possible consequences that may result from those actions.

Hi Legal Editor Mom and all the other great SM’s and Dads,

Wow–your comments made me realize that I wasn’t very clear. My kids never knew about the sex; studying was studying. Luckily (?), in graduate school, the hours were erratic and my apartment was often study session headquarters, so the kids were not surprised to see people in the house late at night. Both men and women.

Once kids are past the magical thinking age, the explanations, however, get way more complicated.

I would join “ocean” in the deepest hole before I would have done anything to lessen respect or authority as a parent. My kids are grown and on their own now, just to clarify.

When kids get to be teen-agers, they typically have more active social lives and involvement in school activities, which gives a SM more leeway. They also don’t need babysitters and can reach you by cell phone. These factors can make it possible to rendezvous with a lover at his place or some other more delicious location. You are never going to fool a teen-ager no matter what you say or do, if you try to have sex at your home.

Again, anxious for your thoughts!

Legal Editor mom, and all the other SM’s…I want to clarify I am not questioning your decisions - I am questioning my own.

I was adopted by a single mom, and in the twenty years since I’ve met her - I don’t think she’s had sex once. She doesn’t date, she never leaves the house without kids, I just think she’s lost all interest in her own social life to raise children. I am not suggesting any of us behave this way - but I do want to point out that in my teen years, when I needed to make decisions about sex, my mothers lifestyle wasn’t even a factor in the decision. Her opinion was irrelevant to me.

And perhaps we should remember as SM’s that our behavior may influence our children, but this one decision is not going to be what forms their sex decision as teens. This one decision, made responsibly, in my humble opinion, will not change the course of our daughters (and sons) lives.

The note about the mother getting married and the selfish comment made by the daughter - save the money and keep sleeping together…aren’t teens by definition selfish? Perhaps she thought the money would be better spent elsewhere and she used the sex as her debate point.

Raising kids is a very delicate balancing act. However, I don’t think normal healthy adult relationships, whether with sleepovers or not, is being disrespectful to our kids. Lock the door, don’t flaunt it, don’t get caught. We get a lot of flack as single parents for not being those roll models our kids need, guiding them in healthy relationships. Yet, we want to pretend we don’t partake in the physically intimate part of a healthy relationship to save our children’s respect? How do we win here? How do our kids win?

Don’t flaunt ‘the sex’, but don’t pretend it doesn’t happen, either. Unless you’re hoping for virgin children on their wedding night (and frankly, this tactic won’t seal the deal anyway….)

Angie, wow, you put down here exactly what I’ve been thinking this morning. Thanks! What I love about this blog is the complete respect we have for each other (I don’t “approve” any of the nasty comments here, but I always approve the ones that contradict me respectfully.)

If you hold certain values, I honor that. Good for you for having a clear, solid vision. No one is here to tell you otherwise.

Clearly, there is still a great stigma around single moms and sex. Many of us have internalized this “bad feeling” deeply. I certainly have my share of guilt: my own mother was raised Catholic and many of these values were passed down to me.

LEM: Although the Israeli and I didn’t work out, he and Mae have remained friends one year+ later. The love and respect is still there, between them. Although the relationship didn’t work out, Mae has not been traumatized. That has become very clear.

Dr. Leah, thanks for reminding me that one day, we will have teenagers who will have their own social lives — and we won’t be paying for sitters. Wow, what a vision. Thanks!

I have a teenager at home and have had a sleepover twice — with a person with whom I was in a longterm relationship with, who knew my kid and whom my kid liked, and who was “part of the family.”

Still, it was only out of necessity — in other words, he was displaced from his home or we got home too late (and had a drink) for him to drive home. (and I rarely go on dates when my kid is with me — my social life amps up when he’s at his dad’s).

I am no prude. My kid knows I go out, date, have sex. But those are things to be discussed with him — not experienced by him.

I hope he’s comfortable in his sexuality, and I hope he feels free to safely explore it when he’s ready. But my having sleepovers isn’t the way to “teach” him that lesson.

I couldn’t care less about whatever “stigma” or judgment people want to place on single moms, or women who are in touch with their sexuality. I do care, however, what my kid thinks of me. When they become teens, they are very aware of our hypocrisy; I don’t need to spoon-feed it to him!

Have Mae sleep over at a friend’s house, and then go at it, girl!

Oh, one other thing — I have had wonderful sex in the car … before I got home and before the kid’s curfew. Funny how we revert back to adolescence when we have adolescents at home!

Single moms must be creative ….

Kat,
I agree with you 100%. Nicely put.

SMS,
I hope I didn’t offend you with my comment about the Israeli. Of course Mae wasn’t traumatized, but you yourself admitted that in retrospect, you might have handled things differently and not had to undergo the huge change and adjustment that stemmed from the failed live in arrangement. It’s all a matter of parenting styles and doing what we think is best.

Here’s to respectfully disagreeing, and to creativity!

I think it’s important to point out that those of us who don’t agree with the sleepover situation are not implying that there will be no sex, ever. (note Kat Wilder’s ’single moms must be creative’ comment…)

In fact… I think Kat’s comment is pretty much how my life works nowadays too. I’ve also got a teen boy and approach all of this in a similar way.

Except for the car sex. It’s usually too cold where I’m at, and that’s a mood killer for me.

Ok, one last comment on this subject, then I’ll shut up. I just love Bee’s last point!
In fact, in looking at my 20s and even early 30s, it’s hardly imaginable that I’ve become so much more structured, careful, and limited in my personal life than I ever was. But for me, that came with having a child.

I respectfully disagree that this one decision will not be what forms our children’s sexual decisions as teens (and even beyond.) Since we are single parents and the main adults and role models that our children are around, of course they’re going to form opinions of our actions and base many of their own decisions on the behavior WE’VE shown them over the years.

Getting back to the teenager who made the comment to her mother, she may have been selfish and probably also a bit resentful that her mother had found someone. She never vocalized any of it until they got married, so the mom was of course shocked that her daughter brought up all of the past sleepovers and the co-habitation. Justified or not, it simply lends credence to the fact that our kids are influenced by our choices, and as single parents, we owe it to them to try to make good ones…

I’m with my current beau on a very limited basis due to schedules, the kid, other responsibilities, you name it. Yet we make the time for alone time when we can, unbeknownst to my daughter, and believe me, due to all of the effort that’s gone into the planning (and the anticipation!), I enjoy it all the more.

I know I have it easier with half-time custody, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. When I am in a dating relationship and the woman has met the kids, I have no problem with her sleeping over. Otherwise, a woman won’t stay here if my kids are here, period. I don’t want any surprises, even with a locked door. I don’t want my kids to take the “sleeping with someone” issue casually.

If the kids haven’t met the woman, then I only do sleepovers when the kids aren’t here. Women who don’t understand the priorities of a single parent won’t like this scenario much. I blogged about this very issue (single parent’s relationship priorities) in a contest I entered (and won, ahem… my entry and followup is on my blog… grin. I’d buy Rachel’s book with my $25 Borders card prize, but I already bought, read, and recommended it!)

I personally believe that too many single moms live vicariously through their kid(s). I think that too many single moms carry that guilty feeling— they feel guilty that their child doesn’t live in a three family home—or they feel guilty because they have to work full time and thus are often too tired to be fun with their child —- or they feel guilty because some their child doesn’t have a have a father, or has one who’s barely around —and some of us feel guilty because some of our has a father who never asks about her/him—

I’ve chosen to be strictly a woman, who works full time, goes to school part-time to earn a MA, and is a mom who adores her child beyond belief. BUT I have a right to live too! I have a right to have fun. I have a right to have sex. In my own home. In my room. In my bed.

I have a stable relationship with a man (and, I’m taking a chance with this man, I let him in our little life). We put a lock on my door. We explained to my child that when people love each other, they want to sleep with each other. And, it’s a grown up thing to do–like putting on makeup is only for grownups—like wearing high heels is only for grown up-like driving a car is only for grown ups. This was also a good opportunity to read her, “Where Do I Come From?”

If I always wait—for the right any-thing—I will not live a life fully lived. I believe that it’s ok to have a partner over to have sex if you have a strong relationship going. Not random men, not several different men—I think that a solid good relationship gives license to have sex in your own home when you want to.

[...] Mom Seeking has a fantastic post about having a sex life with an older child in the house. Click here to read it. How do you do it? I can’t even imagine. Soon Benjamin will be able to open his bedroom door, [...]

Maybe you shouldn’t be having sex at all, until you get married again. Think of the example you’re setting for yor kid let alone the therapy they’re going to need to recover from having a new strange man in the house every once in a while. Not to mention the potential danger you’re putting your child in for any kind of abuse. Just use a little self-control. It’s not that hard.

Charlie,

If you knew me, you’d be looking at Self-Control. Self-control is how I raise my kid solo, run my own business, pay the bills, grocery shop, get up at 6:30 a.m. every morning. I’m probably way too self-controlled.

Why shouldn’t I be having sex? Because I’m a single mom?

I think I’m being misunderstood here. I’m NOT talking about bringing “a new strange man” into my house. I’m talking being with a man whom I’ve been dating for a long haul.

As many women have pointed out here, however, it’s a matter of being creative. There’s his place. There’s the motel down the street. There’s a car….

If “no sex before marriage” works for you, congratulations. You might be amused to know that what I was told growing up, throughout my own childhood.

Why is sex such a taboo?
Please read between the lines carefully—those of us who are in favor of having sex in our home are in a solid relationship—we are all against bringing strange men into our homes—the men we date are not strange–they are very much a part of our life.

What’s wrong with showing our children what a healthy, loving relationship looks like? Doesn’t a healthy, loving relationship include sex?

Single mother have been hit the hardest—we’re told that we must have messed up simply because we’re single mothers—many of my single mom friends, including myself are highly educated and have very lively and peppy children. Come visit us–
Rachel has a daughter who walks in a very poised way with such confidence. She’s smart, witty and by golly, voice her opinions with no shame.
My kid is always the talk of the class because she’s so happy, perky and damn smart.
Are we doing something wrong here because we have happy children?

No. So, we have a right to have sex with the man we love!

The question posed was “How do you orchestrate a sleepover with kids in the house. ” however the repliers actually changed the question to “How do you have sex with kids in the house?” (two somewhat different questions)

As for sex, the answers ranged from abstinence, to the hotel to the backseat of the Chevy to behind locked doors. Personal preferences/morals/beliefs/lifestyles.

I don’t think sex is taboo. It is just another one of those things that takes on a different meaning with a child and involves some deeper levels of thinking and planning.

wow, after reading all this, I just thought I’d post what I do…

I’m in a committed relationship that is long distance. We see each other once a month, mostly in my city, since he’s planning to move here. However, as of this moment, he is not a consistent part of my nearly-3-year-old’s life. So, I don’t talk him up. They don’t talk on the phone unless my son happens to ask to talk on the phone to whomever I’m talking to (which lately, he does often, but usually, I talk to my significant other after the little man is sleeping). When he comes to spend the weekend, he spends it here, in my home. Aware of how attached my son is to me, I have chosen not to make it seem like this man is sleeping in my bed, because sometimes my son likes to snuggle with me there (we have special Saturday snuggle days). We go to bed after my son goes to bed, and before my son wakes up, we are dressed and getting breakfast ready with playtime for him waiting.

When he moves to my city, it is not to move in with me… he’ll be getting his own place, and we’ve already talked about setting boundaries (that will be VERY hard to keep) for my son’s good. I don’t want him to think that anyone is moving in on his mom too quickly. We will probably have one or two dinners at my place during the week, and one sleepover on the weekends. From there, I’m sure the way will be made known as we will be moving further and further into committed territory.

My plan is to answer my son’s questions as honestly as I can whenever they come up. The other day, in the bath, he asked me, “Momma, why do I have these two balls under my penis?” and I said, “because when you’re a grown up they will help you to make babies.” He seemed completely satisfied with that, and I was, too, knowing that my own parents would have blown a question like that off, or said, “stop touching yourself!” I learned that I could tell him the truth in answer to the question that he asks… no more no less, just give him the answer.

It takes discipline to do what you think is right for your child and your family and I think that is the common thread that we all share. It also takes a lot of courage to just tell the truth and save yourself from potential hypocrisy.

[...] Maybe I should just let things drift… Not stress about the lack of chicken soup when I was sick… Don’t throw the booty-call partner out with the bath… After all, it’s hard for a single parent to find a lover who knows that your children come first. (And even harder for full-time single parents whose children are in the next room.) [...]

I need to make one thing clear - that I didn’t in my post — and that is that I would NEVER have a boyfriend stay over unless I knew it was serious. LIke get married serious. I wouldn’t even introduce him to my kids without that.

In saying that, could I make a mistake? Could I think that I am going to marry somebody & then have it end up that we don’t? Sure. But like most things in life you have to take that leap of faith… and I have to trust myself and my feelings… and my kids.

I agree with singlemom - sex is not bad. If you do not believe in sex before/without marriage then that is one thing… but if you are ok with it - then…

I am in no way advocating that my chidren are old enough to know/talk about sex (6 & - but I am saying that they can understand that I love my boyfriend and we want to be together. Like couples do.

I have just accepted that it’s not going to happen. Period.

I have no ex that can take the kids for a weekend. Okay, well…I do, but it wouldn’t be legal.

My dad is wandering around in Asia. My mom is heavily medicated. My one sister is in Arizona, the other too busy herself. My brother is a…dick.

Friends? Oh, yeah. I just moved here (in the middle of nowhere) a few months ago. I have two kids.

I don’t see a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex (unless it’s with myself) any time in the near future.

And really, I can’t (and don’t want to) pay someone to watch my kids so I can run off and get laid.

Wish I had a single mom girlfriend nearby that could trade weekends with me and the kids could sleep over there one week, then at my place the next. *sigh*

wow-i’m a little late,but this conversation is amazing. this is my 1st post. i am a SM of an amazing 7yr old & i agree 100% w/ Bee & Legal! it has only been him & I for so long, i couldn’t imagine the confusion in his head if i had to explain to him a very heavy, complex situation like seeing me in bed w/ someone. my son is very intelligent & very bright. i will not put him through that. it just not necessary. we are adults-we have the burden to make the difficult choices. i can look at this from two perspectives: i was raised by a SM & i remember “sleepovers” when i was 6,15,& coming home from college at 19. believe me, it does affect your views about sex & love! it also affected the way i saw my mom at times. and she was a good mom-she did an amazing job. however,the sleepover thing is a slippery slope-even when you think you’ve found “the one”.

I have been divorced for three years. I relocated to a new city and started dating a man a couple months ago. He has started staying over. I have a five year old daughter. They know and like each other and I truly think he is a good person and we are in a committed relationship. My daughter sleeps downstairs but at night while we are sleeping, she wakes up and comes in my room. She has seen him there and asked why he is in my bed. She seems fine with it but I cannot help but feel guilty. Her father is not part of her life at all. Is this wring? Am I scarring her somehow? It seems fine but I am just not sure. Any ideas?