And no, we don’t need more battles between single moms & married moms. This has been going on since time immemorial. And we’re just barely getting better at it with the use and wide spread acceptance and availability of modern contraception. Amazingly, the US is still the worst at this of all Western industrialized countries.

So it’s not a new phenomenon or ‘problem’, and yes, it’s intimately tied to many things in society, including the economy and the prospects for men to be able to contribute to the support of their children & families. But no one ever thinks about that much. Everyone’s just fixated on the sex & ‘underage’ teens angle & the finger wagging goodness we feel inside by imagining ourselves as somehow superior, to those poor dears right? Cheers, ‘VJ’

In Ms. Spears economic position, why should she settle for the mysterious drunken lout who coupled with the outed drunken Jamie lout to inseminate and conceive this (unfortunate?) child. Jaime, you’re on your own.

The question’s answer transends all our particular preferences and beliefs. It’s none of our business if she chooses to bring this child into the world. Good or bad, she can pay for it. But, good or bad, what if she couldn’t pay for it like the housekeeper at the local Holliday Inn? What about the single woman with no education (or,celebrity, God help us all,) but who wants and loves her prospective child, first or second or fifth? What is her basis?

It is unfortunate that only the MOM has the ultimate right to choose, all else considered. What if the man, with the same indifference to marriage, but with the same commitment to parenthood, chooses to challenge the MOM prerogative. Celebrity is the worst gage for depenibility. If we’re going to discuss this topic, let us get down to the least common demoninator.

When this happened to me in 1986, the decision was made for me. The decision to do what we did was consensual, but the decision to “take care of the consequences? was not. Nontheless, I agreed to the abortion for the sake of the relationship.

15 years later, my different pregnant girlfriend was desirous of relationship but not willing to terminate the pregnancy. And I? With the possibility of finally having my own child/children?Hell no, absolutely not, over my dead body,” etc. I “settled” for the relationship (marriage) as preferable to a single/mixed family.

Within 3 years the disharmony was evident. And with a second son, I chose to make it work with two parents, no matter what. So it goes, as Kurt would say. Have the children been damaged? Yes. Do children need to see that all is not sweetness and bliss, and parents make it work in the long run? Yes, as an ideal.

But to settle for marriage, children, security, convenience at the expense of stability and nurture? No. And, who is to know when our perceptions lead us the right way or the other? Listen, Virginia, I don’t know, and neither do you.

To be a single parent and say the most important thing is to be a single parent to this,my child, is fine. But don’t praise single parenthood if you regret dual parenthood and blame the lack of it for any or all your problems. Praise single parenthood for what it can provide to the child/children. Strive for dual (separate but equal) parenthood for what it can provide to the child/children.

If we settle, as an alternative to free choice (with all the aforementioned anticipated consequences) we will not accept our decision, regret our decision, and fail or be inwardly miserable.

I’ll take blind faith (now that all else has failed.)

Dr. J

You’re very kind. -R.

I may blog about that summer some day. I went digging around for my journal from those months and have not found it yet – but really, my POV is only what it is and not representative of any group. Truly.

What I remember most about that summer is not to bounce around an 18 month old too much. And that they all eat 1) cheerios, 2) bologna, and 3) graham crackers. And that single mothers deserve some godd*mn respect.

Ms. Single Mama: I’m in full agreement with you about Knocked Up. Single moms, what did YOU think about the movie?

It is ridiculous how I keep hearing, “Jaime Spears got pregnant” and I never hear about the guy that got her pregnant. She didn’t pick up the pregnant at the corner store. I suppose some of that frustration is both with the media and the society in general which seem so comfortable pointing a finger at a woman who has sex but says nothing about a man who may spread sperm like it’s grass seed.

I spent two months volunteering full time at a pregnancy center when I was 21. I knew absolutely nothing about babies, mothers, birth, etc. I gave pregnancy tests to teenagers and watched their babies while they went to parenting class. I was a Lamaze coach and witnessed a birth. And you know what someone (someone I like and respect and know meant no harm in it) asked me when I said my sister gave birth a few weeks ago? They asked if I would learn how to change a diaper now. Most of the time no one means anything by it and maybe it is a safe assumption sometimes – but it still makes me want to sigh and say, “You know, I’m not who you have in your head.”

Anyway. Interesting post, SingleMomSeeking. Thought provoking.

-R.