Are you having sex with your ex?

by singlemomseeking on March 4, 2008

ex.jpgOf course, not. Right? I’m not judging, believe me. I’ll make it easy and spill my guts first:

When I was writing my book, I decided that I would skip over that part about falling back with M’s father — who showed up on my doorstep a year after he disappeared. It would be easy to skip over, since no one knew. None of my girlfriends, whom I’d been too ashamed to tell.

How do you explain slipping like that? By the way, I went to bed with the man who abandoned my child and me — I didn’t want to remember. But I had to.

I remember feeling split in two. There was the grown up in me saying, “Don’t, Rachel. Don’t do it.” But some young, gullible part of me longed for it to all work out in the end. Maybe I wanted to to feel safe. Maybe I believed that he’d really come back and be a father.

If you’ve slept with your ex, know that you are not alone. Is this your deepest darkest secret? Is this the one thing you could never tell your best friend?

If you’ve fallen back with the father/mother of your child — after splitting up — I’d love to know what happened. Sign in anonymously, if you want.

Photo courtesy of fretka.

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Joseph January 19, 2013 at 6:15 am

I am currently separated from my wife after almost 18 months of verbal attacks, her showing up at my workplace speaking badly about me to my staff, contacting some family members that I hadn’t spoken to in years and being completely intolerant of my son from a previous relationship. She is extremely anxious and has been told that she may suffer from bipolarism or something similar. I left the home to avoid the conflict as she was aggressive daily. However, when I would visit to see our daughter, she would initiate intimacy and I would always give in. I missed the connection because I felt the best with her ans have it in my mind that I can never feel that way with anyone else. We are now loving separate and apart but still are intimate. I am interested in hearing people’s opinions about this.



Tsokolateh July 14, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Im soo glad i found this blog!
Im a single mum und just recently separated ( bout 2 months) und yes we have been doing the deed! I despise him much after everything hes done und pulling everyone else towards his side re our separation but boy, i do melt when we start kissing. When he comes to see my daughter, as if nothin has happened und thatwe seem to remain “happy families”.. I know its me being stupid und all but then i cant summon the energy to cut off und not fall into his arms.The chemistry( in terms of bdy connection) between us is absolute . We never had any low downs in terms of makin love und all even once even now weve separated. My problem though, i cant decipher if hes using me for sex or really is considering us gettin back together, some days after all the oassionate sess, hes just extremely sweet on texts und when he arrives @ my place to see us but sone days he can be utterly grumpy, rude, cold.. When i try to confront him, he tells me 50/50. Hes undecided . But just yesterday, he said he does not want another relationship but will continue to see sucks coz he stays @ his first 2 children ( his first ex wife’s)und some days with me und my daughter.He told me nothing is happening between them und tgeres no way for them to get back together but will be around for kids und to me the past weeks hes transferred back his stuff @ mines then again yesterday saying he does not want rel either. I dunno if i shouldjust completely cut ties und not see him either but dont want my daughter deprived of dad. Help me pls i have lost reason und after he said hes leaving us 2months ago, i wuz devastated but kept fighting each day to be strong for my baby but then hes sweet then i gey false hopes ending up broken like tonight. I misshim. I cant see myself sleeping with another man. Family thinks we were meAnt to be even though situation is messy und absurd. Hes gullible und too many peoole giving him opinions about us its not in my handsto control. Its his predilection. Hes selfish too gettin on board two boats i know hes just friends wid first ex wife und stays there in the couch so he tells me after his landmark forum session which i believed hes telling the truth but stays with me too. How do i let go? I succumb to himbecause i love him und woukd like to olease him in any way but when do i stop? My insides ache for him even if im angry. Pls someone tell me is this normal.. Im shattered but i have to put up happy face otherwise my fanily would breakdown too..


Danica January 21, 2012 at 8:12 am

I am in the middle of a divorce from my soon-to-be Ex Husband. I have been feeling extreme pain because I am the cause of the split. I cheated on him. I don’t know what came over me last night, but I went over to the house we shared and one thing led to another. I still love him and I do want him happy. He’s a good father to our three daughters and like a fool, I cheated on him when he had been hurt like this before. The sex was wonderful and every emotion we both had just came out into one giant fireball of passion. I felt like one of the women my husband writes about in his Erotic Romance short stories. I felt safe,wanted and desired. I want to go back for more but I don’t want sex to be what brings us back together if we can be back together. I am not sure what do. Should I move on or fight for him?


His ex March 30, 2011 at 12:07 pm

So I was with my kiddos dad for 4 years. We agreed it was better to not have him be apart of her life if myself and my child would be moving far away, and he wouldn’t see her except few and far between. She’s 2, and we wanted to wait until she could understand to have him come in and out. (Don’t judge me, its our decision and I don’t mind what people say, it’s our choice.)
We had sex last night after not speaking in 3 months. We both agree that it feels sparkly or fireworkish as stupid as it sounds, when were near each other. It’s a situation where we would have to not tell everyone about us because of our past. People tore us apart before (family). Both families hate the other and him or me. It seems like because were so different it’s wrong. I know it’s the whole don’t Care what others think thing but I would have to give up my family because they don’t want us together. He’s still the person I think I could love forever and have loved for 4 years. I don’t know what on earth to do I’m having fun and he makes me feel fantastic. We haven’t decided for him to see my child or not so he sees her through pictures and when she sleeps. It’s killing him and me and neither of us know what to do.
He’s my biggest want and I’m his, I don’t know if it’s what I should do anymore.


Secret November 25, 2010 at 9:39 pm

I’m still in love with my ex. He got married this past Jan, and I thought I was cool with it. Come to find out I was/am VERY uncomfortable to the point were I asked him NOT to wear his ring around me. Let me start from the begining.
We have to kids together and just didn’t make it. We both had ALOT of growing to do. Recently he came to visit, without his wife. Him and their child came and stay with our kids and myself. The first night after the kids were asleep, we went right to it as if we haven’t been apart for the past 3+ years. I’ve always love him and feel it’s the same both ways. He’s always expressed his love for me and she knows. There’s this bond we have that just connects us. We went strong at it over several nights. I’m such a slut for going there with him. How cam I break myself from him? I can NEVER have a real relationship if we continue. He is a wonderful provider for us although he has this wife. Then to add the sex! It has gotten complicated. Help!!


ana April 3, 2010 at 4:17 pm

i had sex with my ex cause very deep on the inside i thought this would bring him back to me. it didn’t, he disappeared the next day, blocked me on every internet account and doesn’t talk to me anymore. worst part is we didn’t even use a condom, i mean, he didn’t “finish” inside of me, but there’s still a slight possibility that i’m pregnant. i feel very stupid about that and i sure hope next time i’m strong enough not to let it happen again, at least i learned something.


singlemomseeking April 5, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Sending you a big hug @ana!


Melina Diaz June 8, 2009 at 5:05 am

I am a lesbian and dated this woman for 5 months. I was madly in love with her and she broke it off because she felt I was too judgemental and mean to her. Nonetheless, she felt I was a good friend and wanted to keep me in her life. We communicated constantly as we haven’t broken up. She was highly aware how distraught I was about the brake up and wanted to be back with her. Two months later, she invited me over her house as her friend and at that time, I was accepting of the friendship, but with hopes we would get back together. Later on the day, she approached me for sex and we din’t stop having sex until the next day. However, she said this was only sex and we were not getting back together. I was heart broken again, but continue the communication with her for two more weeks. We flirted with each other about how wonderdful it was being together again and all the emotions that came up. I asked her again and she said she would not get back together with me. At that point, I asked her to not contact me again as I can’t be her friend and I need to move on with my life. She did stop contacting me, but I haven’t been able to stop loving her and I still contact her with not reply from her. What can I do? should I just be her friend with benefits?


Not Telling March 18, 2009 at 1:24 pm

I slept with my younger son’s dad Dec. 13th, 2007, I let him move back into the house March 1, 2008. He broke up with me to go back to another ex Sept. 5, 2008. I failed, after 2 years apart, I let my hormones get the best of me and take me back down a dead end street. I always has a really special affection for him and I always wanted things to work out between us, but to this day it never has. And after taking him back three times, I don’t feel like it ever will. So I had to give him up like an addict giving up drugs. But it really is the best think for me and our son, since he doesn’t seem to want to be a part of the child’s life unless he can get to me. I can’t live like that. He calls to “check on me” once in a blue moon. It feels like he is checking to see if he can come have sex with me again, he rarely asks about our son when he calls unless I bring it up. In fact, the last time I talked to him he asked about our son without being prompted and I was suspicious of him, because he usually doesn’t do that. I can’t lie though, the sex with him was incredible, but the rest of our relationship was not good. So though parts of me (mostly below the belt) still want to have sex with him, I just keep looking to meet someone new, who will be a great partner, parent and lover. *sigh* I deserve more than great sex and my son deserves a good father figure in his life.


JACQUI March 10, 2009 at 1:52 am

hi i am very confused but feel very stupid ! MY EX left me and my daughter when she was 4 months old we had been together 4 years anyway he ended up (2 months later) with his ex (they were together 3 years previous) anyway we get on well we still did things together as a “family” which people found bizzare i never got to know the girlfriend because did not want to i still love him always have done crazy i know …. anyway whislt he was with her we had sex just the one night and nothing as ever happen since ….. yes i would stupidly phone him drunk sometimes and tell him how i feel and he would confuse me and say he still loves me to but not inlove with me ???? and occasionally i would go out and he would be in the sme pub and his mates would flirt with me and he would hate it ??? confused again lol i have not been with =anyone or even a kiss for 4 years (well aprat from that 1 night of sex with my ex) right recently he has split up with his girlfriend and lives back at his mates …. i kinda hoped and even though i new it was “wrong” wanted to make it work or even have sex ha !!! but he told me today that we are friends i never say never but i can not see anything happen between us sorry ….. i always thought he was my soul mate as corny as it sounds i always thought i new him better then anyone and that he still loved me now i feel stupis confused angry hurt and lonely…. dont really know were to go from here … dont get me wrong i make myself sound quite weak and vunerable i am not i am quite a strong person and love my daughter more then anyone she is my life ..i am just hurting very confused and the thought of havin sex with someone else petrfies me ha !!


misty gurl September 21, 2008 at 10:42 pm

can you pls help me…well my husband and I separated 2months ago and our marriage was very awful bcoz he has another woman. he told me that he dont love me and move on then I take revenge, I reported him to his office and got terminated bcoz of fake documents. after 2months without communication he suddenly emailed me and telling me that he need help bcoz he has no job and telling me that he was wrong bcoz he still loves me..unfortunately I helped him..was I a fool?? now we are planning to have sex.. I want to but my mind keeps telling me that he just only using me..he want us back but i said no but I told him we could have sex without a relationship.. I really don’t know what to do??we have two children and my family is very angry with him. my mind and my heart are opposing..I really dont know what to do???I really dont trust him I want to believe but I cant.and he promise me that in his new job he will get us from my parents and live happily but I said going crazy


cynthia September 18, 2008 at 2:41 pm

I’ve read all the comments and im in the same boat. I have a baby with my ex and recently i had dropped her off @ her dads house and out of no where he told me he wanted to have sex i said no. He told me to move on and that he did not love me anymore. A week later he did the samething and i gave in and we had sex. It was the best sex i’ve had in a long time but my gut feeling was that i felt he wanted me the way he looked @ me and his touches. I did not feel like it was sex but love making. I’m confused our baby is only 9months old and i still love him. I wish things can work out. I say go with what you feel and not regret a single moment to all you single parents out there live life and be happy:)


tm752432 June 9, 2008 at 4:14 am

I slep with the father of my 2 children after I left the house. somehow he seems to be easy access for a one night stand. I get what I want and so does he. so why is it so wrong to have sex with your ex as long as u don’t get your feelings involved?


bootycall? April 26, 2008 at 6:43 am

I’ve been divorced for 8 years….me and my ex are close….I think….we had a problem with the kids about a month ago…next thing I know…we are sleeping together…and honestly, it was the best sex I’ve had with him. He now calls me almost every day….talking about all sorts of things….he actually helped clean my apartment when I was at work and he came to pick up our daughter….was it just a booty call? I don’t know, I don’t care….I’m just enjoying the moments.


QTMama April 13, 2008 at 4:48 pm

I slept with my ex, for me, it was hope. For him, it was a booty call. And it left me feeling used and … sad all over again. But, we pick ourselves up and dust off, and try, try again. I can tell you that’s the last time I ever let myself feel like that. If I could do it without emotion? Well hell, I could pick someone up in a bar. 🙂


singlemomseeking March 16, 2008 at 7:59 am

Dad’s House: Synchronized indeed! Mamas, check out what this single dad has to say about sleeping with your ex (well, not “your” ex!)

H: Thank you for being so upfront about how all of that emotional havoc can sway us to make such rash decisions.

Jenn: Here’s to leg clamping! I hear you–

JM: Hindsight is worth a lot, yes?

Kimberly: “Thinking with my vagina.” Brilliant! You have inspired me… Perhaps a whole post about this one?

LEM: Sounds like your gut is talking sense.
Tanya: Thanks for being so open here, and I’m glad that this discussion is helping you.

Tanya: Thanks for being so open. You have truly shown how emotional this can be. Glad the discussion is helping.


Tanya March 16, 2008 at 6:25 am

After a year of no sex…I decided that I would once again engage in it with my sons father. This being the man who is bi-polar, a functioning alcoholic, a cheater in our relationship and currently is in midst of ending the one he is on the rocks with. I caved to my sexual desire for contact, intimacy, to be touched and in the moment, it felt good. After the deed it was empty and lonely. He indicated to me “your the mother of my child, it’s different”. I am sick of men using this ‘term’ as an excuse to cheat. I am not pardoning myself in the act…rather, trying to figure out how we went from the ‘possibility’ of dating one day again, to the bedroom. I am feeling odd about my choice. Not bad, not good, indifferent. I am unsure if two people who have a ‘history’ and a ‘child’ can engage in a sexual act, without feeling or confusion getting in the way?!
However, thank you to all you lovely people who post words of wisdom and insight. In the darkness of confusion, it helps to see the light.


Kimberly March 10, 2008 at 3:18 pm

I did sleep with the man whose sperm i allowed to impregnate me. The man who lives ten minutes away and does not see his child. It felt good to do it because some part of me was thinking mayve some magic will happen and he will turn from a toad into a prince. It didn’t happen! In fact he turned from a toad into a comodo dragon! The reality is, i was thinking with my vagina and my heart and not my BRAIN. A man who does not fulfill his responsibility is no good.


a March 6, 2008 at 11:27 am

I did indeed have sex with my ex. And that is the reason I’m now a mother so I can’t completely regret it.


Legal Editor Mom March 6, 2008 at 9:22 am

Thank you for commenting; your post is exactly what I needed to just say no! I know everyone’s experience is different, but my gut kept telling me not to make the same mistake twice. (In getting back with my ex.) So thank you!


JM March 6, 2008 at 6:04 am

Funny this should come up. My ex is desperately trying to get remarried. He says the third time will be a charm. That’s right I got sucked in once before! This time around I was so traumatized by his addictions and mental instability that the thought of sex with him gives me chills. Not only would it encourage him but I can only imagine where his “stuff” has been since we last split.


Jenn March 5, 2008 at 6:58 pm

Hmmm…while reading this, my legs clamped themselves shut….wonder what that means?


H March 5, 2008 at 5:05 pm

Rachel, unfortunately some of us did fall into that pit hole and for the wrong reasons too. The ex came back after a long absence to settle about the pending divorce matters. One thing lead to another and barely 2 days before court settlement, he said he wanted to sleep with me for the last time *as his wife*. I thought, ok, what harm can it done? We went back to our former marital home. I tell you, it was a big mistake. I broke down while still in bed. There was no more feelings in me to take complete the entire act..I cried when I looked at his face as I realised that the marriage was truly over.


dadshouse March 5, 2008 at 10:39 am

I’ve slept with ex-girlfriends, for all the wrong reasons (coincidentally enough, I was just blogging about this subject. Synchronicity…)

I was never interested in sleeping with my ex-wife. I did try to reconcile with her a few years after the marriage ended, mainly for the kids’ sake, but also to stop leading a split life (single dad and single man). But the sexual attraction died for both of us with the divorce.

I do have female friends who’ve slept with their ex-husbands in hopes they would rekindle the flame, so you definitely are not alone.


singlemomseeking March 4, 2008 at 11:22 pm

SoloMother and Legal Editor: You are strong women. Bravo.

A Mommy: You know that I get it.

CH: I hear you about the gym. Wish I’d thought about that one before, but I do get the perks of exercise nowadays.


A Mommy March 4, 2008 at 8:13 pm

Yes, yes, (sigh) I did too. He came from another state to watch my daughter during spring break. I allowed him to stay at my house—and after a week, we slept together. Yes, it happened despite the fact that he was such an ass during the marriage, hardly calls our daughter, occasionally pays child support–I even speak terribly about him–and yet, I slept with him–and whew, was it good?

Ironically, it was closure for me. We left on terrible terms—in my mind, I thanked him for the lovely evening and was finally able to have a beautiful closure.

Would I sleep with him again? No.


C H March 4, 2008 at 7:13 pm


My former wife took off with another man and left the kids and me at the house. She contacts the kids and me occasionally by phone, but we have no physical contact.

So no, I have not had sex with her and I won’t. And I have no interest. Yes, I miss the essence of who she really is. But she is a an unmedicated, diagosed bipolar. So I don’t miss the turmoil and uncertainty that she caused in our lives.

Heck, I haven’t had any sex or even a real kiss for almost a year. But I don’t care. I keep myself busy with my kids and with new interests like designing web pages and writing short stories. The gym helps, too. 8-)P


SoloMother March 4, 2008 at 5:33 pm

LOL just the thought of having to endure sex with the ex is enough to turn me ice cold. Shudder to think. Blerg. Bleah. Now I have to wash my imagination out with soap, because I feel so skeezed.

It’s good to know, though, that my feelings against him run so true and strong and deep that he can never fool me again.

Legs crossed for sure!


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