Of course, not. Right? I’m not judging, believe me. I’ll make it easy and spill my guts first:
When I was writing my book, I decided that I would skip over that part about falling back with M’s father — who showed up on my doorstep a year after he disappeared. It would be easy to skip over, since no one knew. None of my girlfriends, whom I’d been too ashamed to tell.
How do you explain slipping like that? By the way, I went to bed with the man who abandoned my child and me — I didn’t want to remember. But I had to.
I remember feeling split in two. There was the grown up in me saying, “Don’t, Rachel. Don’t do it.” But some young, gullible part of me longed for it to all work out in the end. Maybe I wanted to to feel safe. Maybe I believed that he’d really come back and be a father.
If you’ve slept with your ex, know that you are not alone. Is this your deepest darkest secret? Is this the one thing you could never tell your best friend?
If you’ve fallen back with the father/mother of your child — after splitting up — I’d love to know what happened. Sign in anonymously, if you want.
Photo courtesy of fretka.
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Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
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LOL just the thought of having to endure sex with the ex is enough to turn me ice cold. Shudder to think. Blerg. Bleah. Now I have to wash my imagination out with soap, because I feel so skeezed.
It’s good to know, though, that my feelings against him run so true and strong and deep that he can never fool me again.
Legs crossed for sure!
Like Rachel, my ex resurfaced—not once, but several times before we eventually divorced after 5 years. Initially it was 6 months after he left, then a few months later, then more months later, then in much shorter intervals in between. We were on and off so much until I FINALLY realized that he wasn’t really trying to get help for his addiction and bipolarism, as he claimed, and I knew my daughter and I were better off without him.
Now he actually is getting help, is gainfully employed, and has attempted to reconnect with us/me, on several levels besides sex. While the sex was one of the best things about our relationship (and he’s extremely handsome and sexy and has a great body!), I just haven’t felt crazy enough or desperate enough to rekindle that flame. (I did contemplate briefly on having him as my boy toy, but decided not to confuse the issue for him while he was finally attempting to be a father.) I think if there was ever any chance that we could get back together, work out and stay together I would probably do it, but I don’t trust him and I just don’t see that happening. So, I’m letting sleeping dogs lie.
Hi,
My former wife took off with another man and left the kids and me at the house. She contacts the kids and me occasionally by phone, but we have no physical contact.
So no, I have not had sex with her and I won’t. And I have no interest. Yes, I miss the essence of who she really is. But she is a an unmedicated, diagosed bipolar. So I don’t miss the turmoil and uncertainty that she caused in our lives.
Heck, I haven’t had any sex or even a real kiss for almost a year. But I don’t care. I keep myself busy with my kids and with new interests like designing web pages and writing short stories. The gym helps, too. 8-)P
Yes, yes, (sigh) I did too. He came from another state to watch my daughter during spring break. I allowed him to stay at my house—and after a week, we slept together. Yes, it happened despite the fact that he was such an ass during the marriage, hardly calls our daughter, occasionally pays child support–I even speak terribly about him–and yet, I slept with him–and whew, was it good?
Ironically, it was closure for me. We left on terrible terms—in my mind, I thanked him for the lovely evening and was finally able to have a beautiful closure.
Would I sleep with him again? No.
SoloMother and Legal Editor: You are strong women. Bravo.
A Mommy: You know that I get it.
CH: I hear you about the gym. Wish I’d thought about that one before, but I do get the perks of exercise nowadays.
I’ve slept with ex-girlfriends, for all the wrong reasons (coincidentally enough, I was just blogging about this subject. Synchronicity…)
I was never interested in sleeping with my ex-wife. I did try to reconcile with her a few years after the marriage ended, mainly for the kids’ sake, but also to stop leading a split life (single dad and single man). But the sexual attraction died for both of us with the divorce.
I do have female friends who’ve slept with their ex-husbands in hopes they would rekindle the flame, so you definitely are not alone.
Rachel, unfortunately some of us did fall into that pit hole and for the wrong reasons too. The ex came back after a long absence to settle about the pending divorce matters. One thing lead to another and barely 2 days before court settlement, he said he wanted to sleep with me for the last time *as his wife*. I thought, ok, what harm can it done? We went back to our former marital home. I tell you, it was a big mistake. I broke down while still in bed. There was no more feelings in me to take complete the entire act..I cried when I looked at his face as I realised that the marriage was truly over.
Hmmm…while reading this, my legs clamped themselves shut….wonder what that means?
Funny this should come up. My ex is desperately trying to get remarried. He says the third time will be a charm. That’s right I got sucked in once before! This time around I was so traumatized by his addictions and mental instability that the thought of sex with him gives me chills. Not only would it encourage him but I can only imagine where his “stuff” has been since we last split.
JM,
Thank you for commenting; your post is exactly what I needed to just say no! I know everyone’s experience is different, but my gut kept telling me not to make the same mistake twice. (In getting back with my ex.) So thank you!
I did indeed have sex with my ex. And that is the reason I’m now a mother so I can’t completely regret it.
I did sleep with the man whose sperm i allowed to impregnate me. The man who lives ten minutes away and does not see his child. It felt good to do it because some part of me was thinking mayve some magic will happen and he will turn from a toad into a prince. It didn’t happen! In fact he turned from a toad into a comodo dragon! The reality is, i was thinking with my vagina and my heart and not my BRAIN. A man who does not fulfill his responsibility is no good.
After a year of no sex…I decided that I would once again engage in it with my sons father. This being the man who is bi-polar, a functioning alcoholic, a cheater in our relationship and currently is in midst of ending the one he is on the rocks with. I caved to my sexual desire for contact, intimacy, to be touched and in the moment, it felt good. After the deed it was empty and lonely. He indicated to me “your the mother of my child, it’s different”. I am sick of men using this ‘term’ as an excuse to cheat. I am not pardoning myself in the act…rather, trying to figure out how we went from the ‘possibility’ of dating one day again, to the bedroom. I am feeling odd about my choice. Not bad, not good, indifferent. I am unsure if two people who have a ‘history’ and a ‘child’ can engage in a sexual act, without feeling or confusion getting in the way?!
However, thank you to all you lovely people who post words of wisdom and insight. In the darkness of confusion, it helps to see the light.
Dad’s House: Synchronized indeed! Mamas, check out what this single dad has to say about sleeping with your ex (well, not “your” ex!)
H: Thank you for being so upfront about how all of that emotional havoc can sway us to make such rash decisions.
Jenn: Here’s to leg clamping! I hear you–
JM: Hindsight is worth a lot, yes?
Kimberly: “Thinking with my vagina.” Brilliant! You have inspired me… Perhaps a whole post about this one?
LEM: Sounds like your gut is talking sense.
Tanya: Thanks for being so open here, and I’m glad that this discussion is helping you.
Tanya: Thanks for being so open. You have truly shown how emotional this can be. Glad the discussion is helping.
I slept with my ex, for me, it was hope. For him, it was a booty call. And it left me feeling used and … sad all over again. But, we pick ourselves up and dust off, and try, try again. I can tell you that’s the last time I ever let myself feel like that. If I could do it without emotion? Well hell, I could pick someone up in a bar.
I’ve been divorced for 8 years….me and my ex are close….I think….we had a problem with the kids about a month ago…next thing I know…we are sleeping together…and honestly, it was the best sex I’ve had with him. He now calls me almost every day….talking about all sorts of things….he actually helped clean my apartment when I was at work and he came to pick up our daughter….was it just a booty call? I don’t know, I don’t care….I’m just enjoying the moments.
I slep with the father of my 2 children after I left the house. somehow he seems to be easy access for a one night stand. I get what I want and so does he. so why is it so wrong to have sex with your ex as long as u don’t get your feelings involved?
I’ve read all the comments and im in the same boat. I have a baby with my ex and recently i had dropped her off @ her dads house and out of no where he told me he wanted to have sex i said no. He told me to move on and that he did not love me anymore. A week later he did the samething and i gave in and we had sex. It was the best sex i’ve had in a long time but my gut feeling was that i felt he wanted me the way he looked @ me and his touches. I did not feel like it was sex but love making. I’m confused our baby is only 9months old and i still love him. I wish things can work out. I say go with what you feel and not regret a single moment to all you single parents out there live life and be happy:)
can you pls help me…well my husband and I separated 2months ago and our marriage was very awful bcoz he has another woman. he told me that he dont love me and move on then I take revenge, I reported him to his office and got terminated bcoz of fake documents. after 2months without communication he suddenly emailed me and telling me that he need help bcoz he has no job and telling me that he was wrong bcoz he still loves me..unfortunately I helped him..was I a fool?? now we are planning to have sex.. I want to but my mind keeps telling me that he just only using me..he want us back but i said no but I told him we could have sex without a relationship.. I really don’t know what to do??we have two children and my family is very angry with him. my mind and my heart are opposing..I really dont know what to do???I really dont trust him I want to believe but I cant.and he promise me that in his new job he will get us from my parents and live happily but I said NO..im going crazy
hi i am very confused but feel very stupid ! MY EX left me and my daughter when she was 4 months old we had been together 4 years anyway he ended up (2 months later) with his ex (they were together 3 years previous) anyway we get on well we still did things together as a “family” which people found bizzare i never got to know the girlfriend because did not want to i still love him always have done crazy i know …. anyway whislt he was with her we had sex just the one night and nothing as ever happen since ….. yes i would stupidly phone him drunk sometimes and tell him how i feel and he would confuse me and say he still loves me to but not inlove with me ???? and occasionally i would go out and he would be in the sme pub and his mates would flirt with me and he would hate it ??? confused again lol i have not been with =anyone or even a kiss for 4 years (well aprat from that 1 night of sex with my ex) right recently he has split up with his girlfriend and lives back at his mates …. i kinda hoped and even though i new it was “wrong” wanted to make it work or even have sex ha !!! but he told me today that we are friends i never say never but i can not see anything happen between us sorry ….. i always thought he was my soul mate as corny as it sounds i always thought i new him better then anyone and that he still loved me now i feel stupis confused angry hurt and lonely…. dont really know were to go from here … dont get me wrong i make myself sound quite weak and vunerable i am not i am quite a strong person and love my daughter more then anyone she is my life ..i am just hurting very confused and the thought of havin sex with someone else petrfies me ha !!
I slept with my younger son’s dad Dec. 13th, 2007, I let him move back into the house March 1, 2008. He broke up with me to go back to another ex Sept. 5, 2008. I failed, after 2 years apart, I let my hormones get the best of me and take me back down a dead end street. I always has a really special affection for him and I always wanted things to work out between us, but to this day it never has. And after taking him back three times, I don’t feel like it ever will. So I had to give him up like an addict giving up drugs. But it really is the best think for me and our son, since he doesn’t seem to want to be a part of the child’s life unless he can get to me. I can’t live like that. He calls to “check on me” once in a blue moon. It feels like he is checking to see if he can come have sex with me again, he rarely asks about our son when he calls unless I bring it up. In fact, the last time I talked to him he asked about our son without being prompted and I was suspicious of him, because he usually doesn’t do that. I can’t lie though, the sex with him was incredible, but the rest of our relationship was not good. So though parts of me (mostly below the belt) still want to have sex with him, I just keep looking to meet someone new, who will be a great partner, parent and lover. *sigh* I deserve more than great sex and my son deserves a good father figure in his life.
I am a lesbian and dated this woman for 5 months. I was madly in love with her and she broke it off because she felt I was too judgemental and mean to her. Nonetheless, she felt I was a good friend and wanted to keep me in her life. We communicated constantly as we haven’t broken up. She was highly aware how distraught I was about the brake up and wanted to be back with her. Two months later, she invited me over her house as her friend and at that time, I was accepting of the friendship, but with hopes we would get back together. Later on the day, she approached me for sex and we din’t stop having sex until the next day. However, she said this was only sex and we were not getting back together. I was heart broken again, but continue the communication with her for two more weeks. We flirted with each other about how wonderdful it was being together again and all the emotions that came up. I asked her again and she said she would not get back together with me. At that point, I asked her to not contact me again as I can’t be her friend and I need to move on with my life. She did stop contacting me, but I haven’t been able to stop loving her and I still contact her with not reply from her. What can I do? should I just be her friend with benefits?
i had sex with my ex cause very deep on the inside i thought this would bring him back to me. it didn’t, he disappeared the next day, blocked me on every internet account and doesn’t talk to me anymore. worst part is we didn’t even use a condom, i mean, he didn’t “finish” inside of me, but there’s still a slight possibility that i’m pregnant. i feel very stupid about that and i sure hope next time i’m strong enough not to let it happen again, at least i learned something.
Sending you a big hug @ana!