Relationships
Help. The ex-boyfriend wants to come to my kid’s birthday party…
It all started last week, when we were passing through the Israeli’s neighborhood and Mae piped up: “I wanna see him!”
I called, and he said, “Sure, come on over.”
I gently told Mae in the car that we were just stopping in to say “hello,” and then going home. Making boundaries is not my best trait, but I’m getting better.
More than a year has passed since the Israeli and I broke up. At first, Mae was asking about him a couple of times a month. I’d take a deep, guilty breath and remind myself: she had her own relationship with the Israeli, apart from mine. (Oh, yeah, and I was responsible for nurturing that relationship.)
But whenever I saw him again, all that sadness rose up. So, a handful of times, I asked my dad to plan a short play date (thanks Dad, for saving me). Now, in hindsight, I see that the Israeli and I would not have worked. Knowing this, I can see him without feeling ruffled. I’m detached.
He lifted Mae into the air and swung her around. I stood near the door.
“I’m turning eight soon!” she screamed. “It’s almost my birthday!”
Him: “Your birthday!”
Her: “Come to my party!”
Mae, to me: “Mommy, give him an invitation!”
“Oh, sorry, I don’t have one on me,” I said, vaguely.
Haven’t I spent this past year trying to untangle our web? Did I really want to bring him back into my circle of friends and family? No.
Still, this is Mae’s party, and I can be just a tad controlling at times. I figured that he would forget all about it.
But he called this morning, as Mae and I ran out the door, to tell me he was working out of town. Was I available to feed his dog? (I won’t digress, this is another post altogether.)
Mae said, “I wanna talk to him!”
I overheard her: “You’re coming to my birthday, right?
Back on the phone, he asked me when the party was. I went out of Mae’s earshot. “Uh, look, I’m sorry, but I’d feel weird having you there.”
“Oh, okay.”
We ended things over a year ago. I think we’re both doing well at moving on. I hope he’s seeing someone else, although I doubt it, since he probably would have asked her to feed his dog, right? Besides, Mae-the-party-girl will surrounded by her friends (20 girls!). It’s not like she and the Israeli will have quality together.
I told him: “I have an idea: why don’t you take her out for ice cream the day after?”
Him: “Sure, that sounds good.”
This way, they’ll have their one-on-one time together over double scoops — without me.
So, what do you think? Was it unkind to leave him out?
Or, was I setting a healthy boundary?
Photo courtesy of CraigPJ
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Tags: birthday, Children, ex-boyfriend, Friends, holidays, invite, Men, Mother-Daughter, single mom, single mom and ex-boyfriend, single mom break up, Single Moms, single parent Discussion
12 comments for “Help. The ex-boyfriend wants to come to my kid’s birthday party…”
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Rachel…I don’t think so. But maybe have him call Mae to break the news that he can’t make it the party, but that he really wants to take her out for ice cream the next day.
Honestly, I think it needs to end. You and him. Mae and him. If and when you have someone new in both of your lives this will be an unwelcomed addition and it will be harder to break off, so to speak. Obviously to each her own — and it’s sweet in a way — but in my opinion, not healthy. Time to draw the line — and I do hope you are not taking care of his dog. There are dog sitters for that.
No, it wasn’t unkind and it was absolutely appropriate to disinvite him. I agree with Amy, too, about telling him “no” the next time he asks for a dog-sitting or other favor.
I agree with all of the above. I also feel you should come up with little excuses and distractions should you ever be in a similar “in the neighborhood” situation.
Distract with bowling, movies, book store etc. Tell Mae he’s on a business trip, or something.
It sounds like there are plenty of loving relationships in Mae’s life, don’t feel badly for letting this one evaporate. Instead of having your Dad take her on a play date with the ex, have DAD spend some male role model time with her.
You should not feel like “one of those mom’s” that society frowns so strongly against. It’s not like this is the 5th boyfriend you’ve broken things off with - in the past year. You will not be leaving Mae with permanent attachment issues from this one failed relationship.
Or, at least, that is what would be running through my head if I were in your shoes. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. We SMART single moms (parents) can only make SMART decisions when society releases the stigma.
Thanks for the tips Mamas! Clearly, I’m still working on boundaries…
[...] you’ve read her book or keep up with her blog you know the Isreali didn’t work out. And today’s entry from Rachel is addressing this very issue…Mae asking about him, and wants him to come to her [...]
I think you did the right thing. And I would agree with letting him break the news about not coming. Ice cream the next day was a good idea
…but at the same time I agree that’s it time to begin tapering off this relationship. If you were dating someone else seriously would you still be okay with stopping by his house and him taking Mae out for ice cream?
It won’t be easy and only you know what’s right for you and Mae.
I haven’t had this situation, but I did have a friend with a daughter the same age as mine who I ran afoul of when ‘Salina was about 4 - or rather, she ran afoul of me - or we both did of each other.
Anyway - yes it was painful breaking not only a friendship but a playmate relationship of my daughters. And I did feel horrid about it. However - she (and I) got over it and moved on.
It must be so hard to be in that place with an adult male that you had to learn to trust in building a relationship with your daughter and then to face this - but it is one of those “painful now V painful later” choices, perhaps.
Good luck.
I wish you could see me standing up shouting, “Hooray! Hooray! Israeli is not invited to the party! You go girl!”
You owe him nothing. Mae deserves a better and more honest man than him! Let the guy go and his damn dog too!
I agree with one earlier response—it’s not like you’re on the 5th man—so, oops, you had a relationship with one man–and it didn’t work out. Mae has clearly been able to move on and is obviously not damaged by this break-up.
You my dear mama, need to forgive yourself. Give yourself a hot bath and let it go.
I have had a similar situation come up between my 15 year old son and my ex-boyfriend. I am the “bad guy” right now, but have put an end to e-mail and phone calls that my ex-boyfriend initiated this weekend with my impressionable young man. Even though he was only in our lives 2 years the last 6 months of it was rough as he is an alcohlic and I did not want that in our lives. My son still to this day blames me for the break up. Please put an end to your daughter’s relationship with the Israeli - I am not sure why your break up but keeping him in your life will only hurt her more in the long run.
As they say, when you have started loving someone, you will continue to love him forever. It’s just the intensity that’s making a difference. What I suggest like the others did, is try to think with a clear mind not only thinking of yourself but your kids and husband too. True happiness does not dwell on our own happiness only but also in peace that we are not hurting others.
http://www.rebuildyourrelationship.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back.html
[...] dated some more. When I fell in love with the Israeli and thought, “This is it.” We were talking marriage and a [...]