I didn’t realize you were serious about the biologist. I’m happy for you!

I think it’s OK for Mae to dictate that this isn’t the right time to meet him, but at some point the choice can no longer be hers if you continue to see him. “He’s becoming a really good friend of mine and I want you to meet him” is really ok. You’re protecting her - but you have to remain in the drivers.

My kids have met 2 men that I’ve dated. At first it was always in a group and in passing - always when the kids were otherwise engaged and didn’t really care. Then I would tell them “Remember so-and-so? I’m having dinner with him tonight.” I also don’t think that your child needs to know everywhere you go all the time and with whom. It’s not secrets, it’s privacy.

Good luck with your new serious beau!

Oooh, serious! Hmmm. I’m feeling good. Maybe the poison oak brought us closer together?

I agree with Amy.

Ellie’s advice worries me only because she may never “want” to meet him. Who would? The idea of someone else taking mommy’s attention away from her may never be something she’s really ready for … does that make sense?

After my father died my mother started dating immediately. She couldn’t stand being alone and completely disregarded our feelings. It was HORRIBLE. And still is… I was 21 but my youngest brother was only 13. He’s okay now and we all survived it. But I know from that experience that I will always, always listen to my kids. Meaning if they hate the guy I will dump him. But only if that hate or bad feeling lasts for longer than that initial meeting.

But with that said…after an appropriate time - the minute you realize - “okay this guy is going to be around for a while.” You might need to tell Mae she is going to “have” to meet him but that she can pick the time and the place. Give her some control but not all of it.

I have seen this with some of my single mom friends who have older children - give them one ounce of control over who you see or what you do and kids take off with it - essentially learning how to push your buttons.

I’m SO happy for you by the way. He sounds utterly magnificent!

How do you think he’ll be with Mae? Do you get a feeling that the two will hit it off?

You know… I’ve been thinking a lot about this since your last post about the meeting & I actually looked back at my old blog posts…

And well… what I think I”ve come up with is there is no answer. It’s organic. If you keep the lines of communication open between all of you - if you are honest with your feelings with Mae and with the biologist… then you will know when it’s right. Even when she says “no” like what “Ms Single Mom” says above… you’ll know. You’ll know how you’re feeling and how much you’ve been sharing with her.

We can only do what we can do, and if it’s done with the best intentions and good communication — then that’s pretty good.

Relax and enjoy!

Ms. Single Mama: I hear you! One of the main reasons that I’m being cautious with Mae — and acknowledging her feelings about not meeting someone I’m dating– is that she DID experience attachment (to my ex-boyfriend, the Israeli) and it was challenging to un-attach as we split up. I don’t want to rush anything with her. She had to share her mom during that relationship, and if she needs to protect herself right now, I get that.

Amy: Thanks for that “organic” advice. I often forget that going with my gut — and communicating along the way — is best. There’s no hard and fast rule here, right?

Yep. No easy answers at all. But yes, definitely give her tons of time.

You’re right, there’s no easy answer. And, yes, there’s lots of room for trial and error.

The bigger question remains: Who is the parent? I believe it’s the parents who make the decisions—and it’s ok to share the decision with the child.

I introduced my child to my current boyfriend in a similar way as Amy Nathan. I invited him to my birthday party–he was just another partygoer. I introduced them casually. And then when I did go out with him, my daughter did ask me who I was going out with. It was easier for me to tell her because she had met him. We’ve spent a few casual days together—skiing, flying kites and making banana bread before he stayed the night.

I’m realizing that again, there isn’t a single answer that fits us all. Every time we introduce our child to a partner we’re taking a chance.

When I decided to start dating after my divorce I waited 2 months before inviting the guy I was dating over to my house. I had it planned that my daughter would be asleep by the time he arrived and he wouldn’t be spending the night. Well, how often does that actually work? So their first meeting was by “accident” but seemed to go over well. It was a bit of a shock to his system, but he seemed to understand my life a little better. We dated for 17 months and my daughter got a bit attached to him. When we ended things I sat down with her (she was 3 1/2 yrs at the time) and said that mommy’s friend wouldn’t be visiting anymore. She asked a few times for him when we would do things that normally the 3 of us would do together. But I’ve started dating again, and it’s been just over 4 months that he and I have been together, and he’s only heard her voice in the background when we’ve talked on the phone. She has started asking questions about what I do when she’s with her daddy. Am I wrong to want to keep that life separate? I know it’s a bit selfish, but I don’t think I’m ready to mix my life… I also don’t think he’s ready - except that he dropped the L word on me the other week… any suggestion on how to go about this?

Whew- what a question! Having been a single parent for seven-and-a-half years now, I have done introductions every way possible. There was the guy who met my kids after the second-date-sleepover (agh- my kids were so young, it was non-standard, I don’t recommend it, BUT we did date for almost a year!), the guy who met them after about two months of long-distance dating (they were older, and became attached immediately), and recently, the guy who only just met them a bit in passing after 3.5 months of dating. I have to say, at this juncture and with my history, the current guy with his “let’s just wait a few months before we meet each other’s kids” view has won me over. My children are saved attachment if it fizzles in the first four or five months, and there’s some mystery there (they know his name, so they say hi when he phones, but they don’t know enough to be super-nosy) that keeps my kids wondering. Parental secrets are important! Overall, I’d say if it’s possible to stave off those “let’s all be happy together NOW!” feelings, wait a few months before introducing the kid(s) to a S.O.