“Will I end up in your blog?”

by singlemomseeking on February 27, 2008

secret.jpgWhen I started blogging in 2006, I was single and dating. Oh, that’s right, I’m still single and dating.

Apparently, I’ve coughed up way too much because most men have asked me not to blog about them. One guy said that I was too public for him. But I wanted — and I still want — someone who respects me for writing, a man who doesn’t care if his friends read my blog — or his mom. A man who doesn’t get embarrassed by me.

I come from generations of very private women, women who’ve held onto their secrets as hard as they could. Being a mystery might appeal to most men: c’mon, tease me. I’m kind of shy in person, I don’t like wearing masks. I want to be honest and upfront. Single parent bloggers out there, do you feel the same way?

The Biologist took my rant about him very well. I should not have blamed him. I’m sorry. I also should have called him before blogging about him. He apologized, I apologized. On the phone, we had one big apology party.

He said that he didn’t mind that I wrote about him on my blog — although he would have appreciated greatly if I’d called him first. I get that. I really do. Ms. Single Mama commented yesterday.

“He might be a bit upset about this entry.. yikes…. if you really were into a guy even poison oak wouldn’t keep you away from him. Right? And – it’s no one’s fault. It just happened. I feel bad for him though…he was probably so excited to take you into the woods.”

Ms. Single Mama added that it took her “boyfriend a while to get used to my writing about him… If anything – gives them a one up because they can really understand where we’re coming from. It’s like a bible on how to date me. Wish he had one I could read.”

Single parent bloggers, do you write about your girlfriend/boyfriend, like Ms. Single Mama ?

Do you write about someone you’re dating, like One Woman Show?

Do you write about your ex, like Dad’s House Blog?

Please tell me how you stay YOU — and respect others along the way.

Photo courtesy of Steve Woods.

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Legal Editor Mom February 28, 2008 at 8:09 am

Since being single I debated long and hard about having a blog, but opted not to. Personally, I keep an offline journal and prefer to keep my private life private, sharing details and/or trials and tribulations only with a close friend on occasion.

As far as your mate or date or whomever having a “one up,” that may be true, but I’d like to think that we should be able to communicate, one-on-one, without him having to pull up my blog and read what I’ve written about him. It may be flattering if it’s good stuff, but it can also cause problems OR cause you, as the author, to not be totally forthright and honest once you realize that he/she is reading what you’ve posted.

I do give Rachel and other bloggers commendations for being so open with their love lives, often being the brunt of criticism, yet enduring it and forging ahead.

Moreover, often I am living vicariously through the tales, and I do enjoy the dialogue, sometimes controversial or opposing viewpoints, and most of all the sources of enjoyment an quick breaks from an otherwise hectic day! Yet I still prefer my privacy…but that’s just little ole me!

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Leslie February 28, 2008 at 8:23 am

I’m not seeing anyone so I can’t say for sure, but I think I’d be hesitant. I mean I could write about them and they’d never have to know but I’d feel like if I was writing they should get to read it. Not sure I could if I knew they were.

But never say never :)

I’m glad he was good natured about the post!

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dadshouse February 28, 2008 at 9:33 am

It’s a tricky subject – all my best stories involve real people, and I have some doozies. But I don’t want to air dirty laundry about people who are still in my life. I might write about co-parenting issues with my ex, but I won’t rant or dish. Before publishing a post, I ask myself whether I’d be happy to let my ex, our mutual friends, or our kids read it.

(Writing a novel is different because I can twist and distort reality into a fiction that has the same, or more, impact.)

I’m not as concerned telling dating stories, especially when the dates didn’t turn into relationships. The things I write in my blog really did happen, but out of respect I’m not using real names.

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Kelly February 28, 2008 at 10:04 am

I haven’t had a boyfriend since I started my blog, but when I’ve gone on dates I usually end up making one generic public entry like “Had fun with Tony last night. Great movie.”, and then I’ll make one that is locked so only certain people (not him) can read it, with more specific information on what I thought of him. That way if he knows about my blog, he doesn’t think I’m just not bothering to write about him, but doesn’t have to see every little thought I had about the date either.

I do blog about my daughter’s father, but he has found and read it in the past, so entries I don’t want him to read are also locked. That’s pretty rare because I really don’t care what he knows about what goes on with us. If anything I like him to see how much we are thriving without him.

I think it’s different for you because your blog is so public and read by so many people. It’s good that he took you posting about him well!

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Ms. Single Mama February 28, 2008 at 10:05 am

When writing about my boyfriend I am always complimentary – because to date – there’s nothing bad to write. And he is just the “subject” of a wider issue – being a single mom and dating. So my entries about him are not really that personal. Issues we have (which to date, are few) are kept between he and I, alone. But if it’s a topic like “when to introduce him to the kids,” or why “nerds make better lovers” (he approved this one) than there really is no need to get “personal.”

The goal of my blog is to write about the situations us single moms find ourselves in – whether they be dating, life or work. I personally don’t read blogs with play-by-play relationship issues – they bore me.

And for Kris (my guy) he can read posts I wrote on my fears as a dating single mom, or on how to date a single mom…so he does have a guide to go by. For me, writing is a way to sort out my feelings and by the time I’ve written them he’s already heard them from me. So…it’s not like a form of communication for us. Actually, I don’t think he reads my blog obsessively.

The key I think is writing in broader terms to that the readers can gain something from an insight you may have had.

And yes – Rachel, a key for me in a relationship is someone who appreciates my writing which is a passion of mine. If I can’t share it with them – it would be a deal breaker.

Thanks for posting this! Wonderful question.

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gregpeckfan February 28, 2008 at 2:57 pm

I don’t blog. I have a LiveJournal, but it is locked down to friends-in-real-life and I “post all” for them. I have been in a social online community, an online political argument list for about 12 years. There have been couples on the list and what you post is public for all to read. I think it is possible the same basic rules that make a friendship, or relationship successful are guidelines here: Keep the focus on yourself and your experience. If I am a guy dating you (OK so we’re straight girls, and both dating men, but work with me here) I log on and see how *you* feel about our interaction. I have an insight into you, and also I know you in a different way now. I get a glimpse into how you work inside, which is a different facet of the person I interact with in real life. Even the most confident, outgoing, person like myself will articulate herself differently online, without social cues and face to face dynamics. So, if I’m dating you, I might not always like what I read. Maybe I have more clarity about you and it isn’t comfortable for me. But so long as you are not telling “my” side of the story, I should be able to man-up and handle that. People should be self-contained. I experience you as self-contained in your telling of dating experiences. From there, I do not think you are responsible for someone else’s feelings about it. I also think you are “onto” something here: You are a writer. It’s who you are and it is your gift. The man who can come to you as an equal, appreciate that gift, and let you have your own experiences, opinions, wits, feelings, for all the world to read and still embrace you – - he’s a keeper.

And again my mantra these days: Other people’s opinion of me is most often none of my business.

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ana.biosis February 29, 2008 at 6:31 am

I found you, because you found my blog. While I try to keep my identity a secret (my friends know who I am of course) I write about everything. I have to. My blog is my release. My way of asking any other sane person out there if they have any advice on how to deal with my boyfriend, and the trials and tribulations I am or have faced with my son’s father. My blog is my way of venting my frustrations about my ex and his wife, all the while waiting on the termination papers that have taken the pony express to my attorney’s office.

Once, everything is finished and in hand, I may let go of some of the secrecy, but until then, writing is my therapy. It’s a way for me to say everything I want to say, but too tired to tell all the people in my “real” life who of are tired of hearing it all.

If that makes any sense.

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Andrea February 29, 2008 at 8:55 am

I have two blogs. The one linked to here–under my real name–I write mostly about myself, my daughter, things I wouldn’t mind employers or new dates or whatever finding via Google, if they’re so inclined. It’s not all squeaky clean but the only person who ends up looking like an ass is me.

I have another blog with a pseudonym where I talk about my ex and my dates.

It’s not a perfect solution. I’d rather have the complete story in one place, but the pseudonmity option sailed for me a long time ago, and my ex put a blog gag order in the separation agreement. I suppose it’s like having friends lists in LJ–there’s the wide open public blog, and the private blog mostly for friends.

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Random Esquire March 8, 2008 at 11:21 pm

I have to qualify this by stating that I have no children. I blog anonymously and everyone I talk about has a nickname.

I write/wrote a great deal about my ex, “Boss”, and I think the anonymity helped a great deal – both mine and her own. My friends, however, do read my blog. The important thing for her was to let her know if I was planning on blogging about something (her or our relationship) instead of her reading my blog and finding out that way.

Another very large difference about my blog is that I use it as a my writing outlet, not an emotional one. It is not so terribly intimate, really. I can easily see how someone might balk a little at being “identified” in some way in a blog that touched on pointed, sensitive issues. I do think it hinges on, ultimately, respect for the other person and respect for their privacy. I don’t want to have a relationship with someone and find out that what I thought was a private matter has been made public.

Having said that, I am unapologetic about what I blog about. It’s my blog, I’ll write what I like. But I’m not sure I could say that so confidently if I thought I was making another person feel less than secure in expressing themselves with me for fear it might end up openly discussed with others – however, I don’t think a third party should control the content in an unhealthy way.

That was really on all sides of the fence and I hope it made a lick of sense.

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Lisa May 24, 2008 at 1:00 am

I don’t have a blog yet. I tend to just comment on other people’s blogs, but if I ever do, I don’t think I’ll worry much. As someone else mentioned, all the guys have nicknames. This started at the beginning of this journey, when being single for the 1st time in over 25 years was new. There was “Littlr Man’s Syndrome Guy”, “32 year old, nipple ring guy”. “Errol Flynn”, “What a Burger Boy”, The last three would probably be saved for a chapter on “dating guys more than 10 years younger than you.”.” Malibu Bobby”, “Scary Gary”,”Grandpa McCoy”,”Extreme Sports Man” or “Please tell me I still look 18″, “J.T.”, “Wide Mouth Bass” ( a reference to his kissing), “Dark Side Man”, “I’m Sure I Told You I Was Married Guy” (There were at least 3 variations on that theme), “Post Traumatic Stress Disdorder Guy”, who brought his PTSD dog with him on our date. He said it was the law that you could take your dog anywhere if you were disabled. Seriously, it was about as wide as it was long. Rather disgusting with it’s runny nose sticking out of his jacket or a weaved bag he sometimes carried him in. What the dog was supposed to help him with or save him from, I never did figure out, but he carried it around with him everywhere and he did tell me he got thrown out of a restaurant for making a scene because they didn’t want the dog in the restaurant. Oh, and his ex girlfriend called to check on how it was going. I actually went out with him twice because I got sick of my friends telling me “I was too picky” or “First Dates are tough. So and So was just Nervous. Give him another chance.” I rarely heard that again after the PTSD dog and NEVER again after “Scary Gary”. Although , I would have thought it would have stopped completely and forever after “Scary Gary”. It’s started up again now that it’s been over a year. The list goes on. I’ve been single since Jan. 2001. Heck, that’s 7 years and now after not having gone out on a date in at least year, even “Dark Side Man” told me I needed to get out there. Yes, I’m periodic phone and e-mail friends with a few of them.”Dark Side Man” told me after one of the “I’m Sure I told You I was Married” Guys, ” Lisa Darlin’, I know you were out of the pool for a long time, but we both know you’re not f-ing Pollyanna. Remember this one thing…..Men are like dogs. They will do it with anyone and it doesn’t mean anything. Kinda get’s to you, doesn’t it? He’s also, the one who made me swear I would never tell a date how many cats I hide or I would forever be known as “The Cat Lady”. I kept getting this vision of myself 10 years from now in my housedress, curlers in my hair, standing in my doorway barefoot, opening cans of catfood and calling their cute little names as they swarmed me, the only ones who loved me. Too frightening to contemplate. It sends a shiver down my spine. Anyway, I noticed I’d swear off online dating for a while and then get so lonely and horny, I’d take a look at what’s out there again. It dawned on me this always seemed to hit around the first of the year when I was sitting on my couch in my flannel jammies, watching “Law and Order” or “House” marathons. I’d hit the computer and unhide a few profiles. Not ths year. I doubt any of these guys would read a blog, anyway. I’m not sure if some of them can even read. If they did read it, I might be doing the women of my little county a favor….especially if they have the displeasure of dating “Wide Mouth Bass”

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