So, did the postman ring twice?

by singlemomseeking on February 15, 2008

mail-boxes.jpgA reader recently commented, “Not to change the subject – but what happened to the postman???”

Oh, The Postman. I still have a mega-crush on him. I’ve seen him numerous times at the post office (what service! no more lines for this mama!). He’s as sweet as ever, and that weak-kneed feeling hasn’t gone away.

A few days after our date, I even sent him a text message to alert him that I was on my way, and he wrote back, “I’ll pick up your mail for you. Meet me outside.”

It turns out that he was just about to go on a coffee break. (OMG, I’ve never in my life walked side-by-side with a man in uniform.) But again, like on the first date, he talked. And talked. And talked.

As a single mom, I’m used to paying attention to someone else. I’m used to asking all the questions. I hope I don’t sound full of myself, but when I go on a date, I like a man to pay attention to me. Just a little.

I admit that I can get carried away by asking too many questions (I’m a journalist). I’ve been told by more than one man, “This is starting to feel like a job interview.” But still, if he’s doing 90 percent of the talking, I can’t help but notice. Not to get all psycho-babble on you, but it’s a sign of emotional unavailability. Been there, done that.

Still, asking the postman out has changed me. I know that I’m ready to date again.

Here’s the big news: I’m going to put myself back online. What do you think?

Single parents who are dating online right now, please speak up. What site are you on?

If you’re a single parent who has thought about putting yourself online — but you haven’t made the plunge yet — do you want to join me?

Photo courtesy of Chris Woods

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Angie February 15, 2008 at 12:03 pm

Yah for being ready to date again! I keep getting on and off that fence. I’ll get all gung ho about dating, date a couple times, then get tired of it and hang out with the kids again.

It’s expensive for the sitters. It’s draining after an already long day/week/month. And, unless you strike gold your first few times out, you (I) eventually would sit across the table thinking of the million other things I’d have so much more fun doing. WITH the kids!

I had a basket of blech on eHarmony. However, I met a few nice people through mySpace blogs. My best friend and fellow single mommy adores plentyoffish.com

Looking forward to the stories :)

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David February 15, 2008 at 3:03 pm

I’ve done my share of online dating with little long-term success (see my blog for a funny story). It’s an easy way to meet someone, but in my experience a terrible way to meet the “right” someone.

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Amy Nathan February 15, 2008 at 3:08 pm

Good for you. Go for a specialty site for the creamnof the crop. Skip the match dot coms.

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Judy February 15, 2008 at 4:28 pm

Only have a sec. or two with an opinion or two:

On-line dating….been there/done that and my advice is don’t. Many more men than women on these sites. The “cream of the crop” as noted above loves to attract great looking,sweet talking losers looking for a women who in the long run will support them, lots of time wasted on-line unless you cut to the chase, have a ‘lunch date’ and can assess quickly. In that case consider it a way to keep sharp on the scene..kind of like job interviewing..the more you do it the better you get at it

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mommypie February 15, 2008 at 4:38 pm

I’ve never tried it myself, but I do have two close friends who have. The first had no luck at all. This past September, after a year of dating, the second just MARRIED the guy she met on Match. (Honestly, they’re perfect for each other.) Of course, you always see “success” stories as part of each site’s marketing campaign, but I have to admit, actually KNOWING someone who’s had that kind of result gives me a warm fuzzy. I say go for it – you never know until you try! And maybe the only thing you’ll regret is not trying at all…

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Dawn February 15, 2008 at 9:00 pm

Ehhh I started the Match.com game…and looked around at Yahoo personals..but I decided those were just too much work. LOL I think I need to try to find a spark in person..I think I need to know that that is there. I got some hits on Match…just couldnt decide if it was worth the price. Good luck

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A. February 16, 2008 at 11:32 am

Two things:
Online dating works for some and doesn’t work for some. It certainly helped me figure out what I really wanted in a man by dating lots of different men.

Men who talk! I think it’s lovely—I find that I’d rather have conversations with people instead of questioning them so quickly. When I do that, I find that I’m actually getting ready to criticize a person very quickly. Conversations are much more meaningful. Through listening to someone talk, you can figure out a lot about a person on the spot. In addition–there are very few men who talk anyway–I think it’s lovely to be with a man who talks.

Bottom Line: Give him a chance. Too much judgments are happening too soon.

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walt February 16, 2008 at 12:07 pm

Interesting – when I read online commentary about internet dating, the consensus seems to be pretty negative. But my real world experience is much different. I know 3 women (two are single moms) in their later 30′s and 40′s who seem to have met the love of their life online, and one just got engaged. All of them used match.com. Today my babe and I celebrate our 9 month anniversary. We’re both single parents, and also met on match. I think match is best, because it offers the largest number of “candidates” to choose from.

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Ms Single Mama February 16, 2008 at 1:06 pm

Good for you!!! See – just like riding a bike, well not really – but you know what I mean.

I surf Match.com and Yahoo.com … and then you can see who’s out there before subscribing. Also keeps you from booking a date “just b/c you paid.” So far, haven’t seen anyone worth going out with.

Tried E-Harmony – total SCAM – unless you live in a major city or want a long distance relationship.

My friends are avid internet daters and PlentyofFish is getting bad reviews. All of the guys are “nasty.” Try Oodle.com too – it’s like a super nice Craigslist and it shows you all of the men on all of the sites in your area…in one place.

Good luck! I’m SO happy for you. And yes, the talking too much thing is really hard for anyone – let alone a single mom.

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singlemomseeking February 16, 2008 at 7:12 pm

Thanks for all the super info!!

I’m thinking JDate… It’s not that I feel exclusive about Jewish men. It’s this: when I did try Jdate ages ago, then men I met seemed so much more genuine… than Match.com.

How about Nerve.com? Has anyone tried that one?

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Michelle February 17, 2008 at 12:29 am

I have couple of thoughts…well maybe more but I’ll start with a few. The excessive talking thing….well I’ve been dating one of those. At first I thought maybe it was just a new, nervous jitters type of thing. Now I know it’s just him. It was refreshing at first since the alternative of silence on the first few dates certainly wouldn’t have had me coming back for more. Then it became annoying to the point I’d have to interrupt him just to speak my own thoughts. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. At times, it’s more of a two way conversation but mostly it’s just too much about him. Regardless, there’s no passion in it for me. I don’t feel the desire to see him or talk to him more than an infrequent basis so I guess it’s time to move on. It’s too bad since he has the morals and values of someone I’d like to have in my life. If I stuck with it, I’m afraid I’d still be settling.

I’ve tried eHarmony and Match and honestly I don’t have much time or energy to keep doing it. I haven’t much luck online thus far but I’m at a loss to how to meet guys otherwise. I’m a full time single mom and my daughter’s father is not involved at all. One of my biggest challenges is the stress of getting someone to watch my girl so I can date. Unlike the single fathers I’ve met online, I don’t have a dedicated weekend, or week, or day that I don’t have my daughter that I can anticipate having on my own to pursue this dating thing. My family and friends are great to help out but not on a regular basis and nor would I expect that from them.

Am I just making excuses or is dating just not in the cards for me?

How do other full custody single parents manage this dating business?

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zenseeker February 17, 2008 at 4:25 pm

Over the years, I too have done the on again-off again dance with match.com. It all comes down to one thing…. WORK Work as in actively answering emails, winks, actively searching, being open, taking a chance and yes, weeding through the ‘not quite Mr. Rights.’ Okay so I guess it’s more than one thing. However, sometimes just perusing profiles on Match makes me feel good about dating again. I say go for it. Maybe it’ll be extra motiviation for the rest of us. : )

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jeanie February 17, 2008 at 5:04 pm

I tried RSVP.com.au – an Australian site. The amount of times I put my head up and then pulled it back in again as it was too scary!

Finally, put my head up again 20 months ago with a different profile and met my Mr Wonderful – it won’t happen for everyone and there are a lot of players out there, but there is no way we would have found each other without it.

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elvagreen February 17, 2008 at 6:15 pm

I choose singleparentloving.com and find my man nearby :)

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ladyfox February 17, 2008 at 10:48 pm

Gosh I just finish my first ever date from an online service. I am trying yahoo personals…..I got a lot of military men for some reson. Anyways it didn’t go well…..I didn’t get a good vibe on the phone, but since I just wanted 2 have a date I went. Guess what he kept talking n talking…he not only chews tobacco (in order to quit smoking) when I clearly stated no smoking lol.i need 2 be clearer…and kept spitting it in a bottle on the way home. Well ….now how do I tell him …he mentioned he wanted 2 see me again. What do I say …..no thanks or what?

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butrflymom February 22, 2008 at 7:57 am

To Michelle,

I am also a single mom in your situation. My daughter and I have been on our own for almost 8 years now. Her dad moved across country and is not really involved much……just the child support. In a lot of ways I feel really lucky for that. But it has made dating much more difficult than my other single mom friends who have had shared cusody. Friends and family have helped out some, but like you said, not consistently, which I think leaves a heavy level of guilt (at least for me). Unfortunately, I don’t have much successful advice as I’m still single and not currently in the dating pool. this is more of a commiserating post. I got tired of dating the same guy reincarnated and so have gone back to school. I am now so completely busy I don’t know how to fit in a date and not sure if I want to at this time.

But I know others who have found the “one” so hang in there, wait until you’re ready, and then start again. I’ve already done that a couple of times and feel when the time is right I’ll jump in again. I keep hoping I might meet someone in person before I need to go back to the match.com.

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teresa February 22, 2008 at 8:42 am

Like several of you, I am the sole caretaker for my kids. We’ve been on our own for more than 8 years now and in those years I’ve managed to squeeze in a few dates.

My kids are old enough now (10 and 15) to babysit themselves, but I used to do a lot of lunch dates.

Or when the kids would go see their grandparents for a weekend, I’d cram in four or five activities during that time (including a couple of dates, a couple of friend ‘dates’).

It isn’t easy and I haven’t found the One, but I’m not really looking for a husband yet. I like being on my own an awful lot.

Oh! and I use the online personals for a local alternative weekly paper. It’s been pretty good so far; I’ve met at least a dozen and dated three for a short time each.

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Andrea February 29, 2008 at 8:41 am

Hi. Just found your site. It’s been lovely to read it.

Online dating–egads. Just went out on a date with a few guys, had another date set up, found out he’d re-written his dating profile, dumped him. It’s a whole new 21st century way of doing things, I guess; but I figure if you’re rewriting your profile it’s a pretty good hint you’re not actually interested.

But yeah, I am dating online. I’m really just looking for a way to get out of the house and have fun on weekends when my daughter is with her Dad and I have no other plans, and if I find someone I click with, that’s a bonus.

I’m mostly on lavalife.

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