In 2005, as I was shopping around the proposal for Single Mom Seeking, I read this “Modern Love” column in the New York Times called “Who’s that lady in the bedroom, Daddy?”
I was giddy. At last, a single dad who told the truth about trying to date and parent at the same time! I wanted to invite that writer, Trey Ellis, out for coffee. But he lived in Santa Monica, so I sent him an email. A correspondence began. When I was in NYC this time last year, Trey took his kids to my Barnes & Noble reading. When I heard that he was writing a book, I couldn’t wait.
At last, Trey’s memoir, Bedtime Stories: Adventures in the Land of Single-Fatherhood, is out (a copy is on its way to four of you!). I devoured Bedtime Stories in just a few nights. Then, I asked Trey to be my Valentine’s guest, and he agreed.
Of course, I just have to ask if your ex-wife — or any of the girlfriends detailed in the book — have read Bedtime Stories.
“Anna has read only the first part that’s about her because that was in a book already — The Bastard on the Couch. I don’t know what she or her mom (whom I’m very close with) will say. I’ve asked her mom not to read it. My last girlfriend in the book, the Italian, is very curious but says she won’t read it. She hates reading about how much in love I was with the French girl before her.”
Ah, the joys of writing about your sex life — when you know that strangers, your exes, and maybe your kids will read it. You were bold. Thanks for keeping it real by including condoms in your sex scenes. I’m blown away by how many memoir writers casually leave out condoms, and I keep asking myself, “Wait! Where’s the protection?”
“I guess I never thought twice about it. I understand condoms are a necessary evil until you both commit to each other. That said, sex without condoms is so much better and so much more intimate that I think it encourages you to be monogamous.”
People out there can be really judgmental about single moms who date, calling us selfish and immature. In the book jacket of Bedtime Stories, you’re described as a “Don Juan with a heart of gold.” Do you think that society views single dating dads differently than single dating moms?
“Absolutely. I actually forgot about that ‘Don Juan with a heart of gold’ line. It’s not at all how I think of myself. The vast majority of my time since I’ve been divorced, I’ve been alone. And yes, you’re absolutely right: there is a double standard.
I’ve been told their is something appealing about a bad boy who’s a good dad. Whenever someone calls me a player or a bad boy, however, I just laugh and look over my shoulder to see who they’re really talking about. I’m too much of a nerdy romantic to ever truly be James Bond.”
One of my favorite lines from the book is: “When people hear that I’m principally responsible for raising two kids, they invariably soften their eyes at me as if I were a cancer survivor. They truth is, they’re not heavy, they’re my kids.”
I love that line, thanks. Could you leave us with one last line about Valentine’s Day?
“I’m still an incurable romantic, but I’m an incurable romantic about my kids.”
So, “Happy Valentine’s Day” to the dad who knows what “skorts” are (he’s the first one I’ve met!).
To all of you, single parents, on Valentine’s Day:
I dare all you single mamas to go up to a single dad and wish him “Happy Valentine’s Day”… and you, single dads, do the same for any single moms you pass. They’re out there!
Then come back here and report your progress. I’m waiting to hear all about it!
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Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I have never met a single dad who raises his kids solo. But if I ever did – I’d definitely be all over him in a heart beat! This book sounds fantastic. I’ll definitely check it out … and Trey sounds like a dream!
Yes, Ms. Single Mama, solo dads are few and far between.
But certainly you know at least one divorced dad?… Are there any at the preschool? your job?
I dont think I know any single dad’s myself. I mean those dad’s who are more than every wendesday and every other weekend dad. But like the previous poster, my attention would be turned to him..that is for sure, because I know that they KNOW what it is like, and can understand.
BTW not to change the subject..but I received your book from Amazon yesterday…Cant wait to read it.
The ONLY single dad I know is single by way of death; he is a widow with two young boys. His younger son is in Lexi’s preschool class and they are very good friends, but I only see the dad on occasion because he works a lot. While it is sad, he is at least fortunate to have the support of both grandmas plus a part-time babysitter. But when I see him next, I will definitely chat him up, because as we all know, it’s challenging to be a single parent, and yet he seems to be doing as good a job as he can.
Other than him, there are no single dads around! So books like Trey’s and the occasional commentary are refreshing.
OK. Understand, I am not a true,full time, solo DAD. I do share custody with my EX.
During this mess, I learned of Collaborative Divorce where there is no absolute right or wrong, and as a result there is no right or wrong relative to the children.
My children love me, and I have no influence over their love their Mother. Right or wrong. I petitioned for solo, but agreed for shared custody because that was what was best for my sons. This is not about the War of the Roses adults. This is about the children.
Love ain’t a light switch. I went through this very thing myself when I was 17. My sons are 13 and 16. Whatever my boys ultimately chose, they choose on their terms.
I AM a single Father. My primary responsibility is my sons, and I am primarily responsibile for my sons.
Yes, there are parents who walk away from their responsibility and leave the other parent holding the bag. Shame on you!!!! But this is about the parent on either side of the gender fence who steps up to the plate to do the right thing, not to be right or wrong.
Single Dad, Dr.J.
I do have a good friend who’s a recently divorced dad. They have split custody…but his ex has his son most of the time. Can’t believe she let him slip away…because – get this – he worked too much. Crazy. I would have killed for a husband who worked TOO much.
I also dated a single dad a while back…he also had shared custody. I just have never met one like Trey who has full custody.
But yes, a single dad would be a very promising catch. Just about every online dating service allows you to filter for single dads only. Pretty cool!
I have a friend who is a single dad full-time. The mother is horrible and my heart breaks for his daughter (who is 7 years old now). It is cool hanging out with him and hearing his stories about birthday parties, doing her hair and bathroom privacy. We tried to date but he was so nervous that he kept standing me up. The third time I was pretty rude to him and it’s kind of been like an “elephant in the room” situation since when we’re around each other. He’s all about punk rock, Gwar and Adult Swim (he’s an IT guy). It wouldn’t have worked…lol. But, the single dad aspect was H. O. T, HOT!
I’m a single dad with full custody of my 4 year old girl. Dating is impossible…most women that see me out in public with my daughter automatically assume I’m married. I’ve been told many many times by women while grocery shopping with my daughter “It’s so nice to see a husband helping out” or “giving your wife a break today?”. If I’m out by myself and I actually catch the attention of a woman…the minute she finds out I’m a single dad you can see the color immediately drain from her face followed by a “wow…I uh….I have to go, I…um…think I left my oven on”. It’s like single dads are some sort of great mythical creature that is great to look at and admire…but date one? No way man.
Dan, Thanks and welcome.
Believe me, I’ve heard this for almost 8 years now in the grocery store, as I’ve gone through the aisles:
Stranger: “Oh, she must look just like her dad!”
Me: “He’s not in the picture.”
Stranger, blood draining…. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
Me: “There’s no reason to be sorry.”
But it will change. Please have hope.
Really, there are women out there who will see you as YOU: a dad and a man. Seriously.
Hey, thanks for the welcome.
Oh, I’m sure there is some woman out there that will appreciate me as a man and a father. I expect she’ll show up one day in a puff of purple smoke and sparkles and start immediately swooning all over me. ;-b
I only know a couple of single moms, and I wish I knew where all the other single moms hang out. If I did, I definitely would have wished them a Happy V-day. As well as a happy “to”-day, and every other day of the year. At least I can wish that to the blogging single moms I’ve met online. You guys are great.
I am a single dad. Six years now. Fulltime with no help from mom or any family. Daughter 8, son 11 and son 18. Anyone who raises kids alone knows what it is like. I am a re-made man with true substance now. Anxious to learn and grow each day? Yea, I am.
I am a single mom with two boys. I find it very challenging and stressful to keep a relationship going especially because the relationship itself requires some work. Also, I just feel so much stress from them and I know it affects how I act with a partner. I do not receive any income from my ex-husband and he doesn’t even speak to us anymore. I am not sure where he even is. I find the demands of working full-time on top of being with the kids awful. I would much rather be at work (as horrible as that seems) but when I am home, they seem to only test the limits with me and it’s really horrible. I know my health is being affected by it and I am only 31. I just wish I could find a way to relieve the stress and cope better without medication.
Hi everyone, I am a “solo” single dad, there are more than you think!
Hi, I am a single mom with sole custody of my children and would very much like to know how to meet single dads who have custody of their children. Thanks, Lee