UPDATE: What timing. Just after I wrote this post, four spankin’ new hardcover copies of Trey Ellis‘ memoir arrived.
Bedtime Stories: Adventures in the Land of Single-Fatherhood officially comes out on Feb. 5. I’m going to give away four copies — to two single moms and two single dads — who comment here in the next week.
Single dads: I’ll make it real easy on you, just show up here and introduce yourselves. How did you become a single dad? How’s it going, raising your kids solo?
Single Moms: Thank you to those who have commented already:
LadyFox says, “Where are all these single dads? They are certainly not where I live! lol”
Jessica says, “Some of us are even looking for you to date because you know what it is all about…The kids!”
Speak up Single Moms: What would you like to say to these Single Dads?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an Open Letter to the Single Dads who responded to my article today at MSN.com about “Surving and Thriving as a Single Mom:
Thank you to the men, like “A Single Dad,” who said:
“I am always so tired of seeing articles about single moms. I am a single father raising a daughter alone. I never see articles about dads doing this and the issues that they have. How about some equal time!”
Since day one of single motherhood, I’ve reached out to single parents: moms and dads. At first, it was selfish on my part. I wanted someone to talk to. Maybe it’s because women, in general, are very emotional and open, but it was easy to find other single moms, like me.
All along, however, I’ve tried to connect with single dads. I’m not trying to ignore you. I’m not trying to segregate you.
“Where are the tips and articles about single fathers? I see all these self help pieces about single moms… but nothing about fathers. Does anybody really think that the issues I face as a single father of four are any different than those of a woman?”
Steven, I encourage you to write an article about what it’s like to be a single dad. I’d love to read it. Start with a Letter to the Editor, or a comment on a blog. Go for it.
“Yanagidad” was clearly upset, too:
“As much as we, as a society, may not fully recognize the role men play in our children’s lives — we do play a significant part…I’d like to see the day when articles such as the one listed on MSN today become less gender bias and focus on the single PARENT.”
Why don’t you start a blog, too? I’ll add you to my blogroll.
“Seattle Single Dad” wrote a beautiful post about raising his son solo… but he was mad, too:
“I find it offensive that men are left out of most single parent conversations, support groups and research. When will it be recognized that many fathers have stepped up and are being responsible parents for their sons and daughters?”
Seattle Single Dad, round up the single dads you know, get them talking. I’d love to hear what you have to say.
There are single dads out there who blog, like:
Single dads, why don’t you join in?
Thank you to the thoughtful single dads, like “ewager3,” who said:
“I am also a single father. I have two girls, 14 and 12. This is the most challenging times of my life. I think the toughest part is you want to be successful. I think anyone can raise children, but to raise them successfully is the challenge… I think fathers are raised to be providers rather than nurturers. When you are a single dad of girls, you need to train yourself to become more emotionally balanced….I love that them more than anything and I believe they know I am doing the best I can.”
With warmth to all of you,
Rachel
Single Moms: What would you like to say to these Single Dads?
P.S. I have reported the vitriolic comments from “Anti America” as abuse. I hope the site takes them down. As one single mom wrote in: “You obviously hate women. I would cringe to be in the same room with you.”
Photo courtesy of Alphao
 |
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
{ 1 trackback }
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I would really like to hear single dad stories…..on parenting and dating. Doing internet searches I have only found a couple of single dad stories/blogs. I am curious though…where are all these single dads? They are certainly not where I live! lol Where do you guys hang out and are single moms allowed?
All I have to say is…
I LOVE SINGLE DADDIES.
God bless them for stepping up to the plate and taking care of their children.
They do go through the same bullshit as single moms…In a way they should be happy that they are not focused by the media…We all know how the media can make us feel inadequate as single moms. Some times they make us feel like we are responsible for the disintegration of our 2 parent families. They make us feel guilty for doing what ever we have to do to make sure there is food on the table. They discourage us from dating for the sake of our child. We smart ones refuse to fall victim to the media and what they portray to the rest of the world about being a single mom. Hence the reason we are here on Rachel’s site!!! …
But rest assured Single Daddies we single moms know you are out there doing your damndest to raise your kids…
Some of us are even looking for you to date because you know what it is all about…The kids!!!
Hooray for wonderful men.. daddies, single or not.
After I left the x, I was very careful not to turn into a male basher, that was not going to do my daughter any good, so I made a point of having male friends around. Some were single dads, others were dads of her friends who were married, and still others were childless friends from work. Just like with my friends, I did not try to balance out which group anyone was from.
What would have been a great thing to have done would have been to have found some single daddies to share things with… platonic would have been fine even… To have had a friend to go shopping with us to get the softball bat… please. Oh yeah, she needs a new one… anyone want to go shopping? Or to cut down a Christmas tree? Why should we miss out on that adventure because we can’t saw a tree down? There are so many things that are just more fun with more than a parent and one kid.
For all the single daddies…thank you! You renew my faith… and make me wonder why I couldn’t have met someone like you when I was younger…. oh yeah, then I would have missed out on my daughter. Ok…so then maybe now is the time to meet someone like you.
I echo the commendation of single dads. I’m always in awe of the fathers I see out with their children when no mom is in site. It’s refreshing, and I believe a wonderful experience for the children to have hands on, interested, committed, fathers enduring the same trials and tribulations that we single moms face.
To this day my own relationship with my dad is rock solid and very close simply because of all the fond memories I have of him and of us during my childhood. He and my mom were together all the way through my high school years, yet my dad played an active role which I’m very appreciative of. Some of my fondest memories are of him teaching me to tie my shoes, zip my coat, make my bed (he was in the military!), riding me on the back of his bike, racing me and playing with me in the park, attempting to cook, getting me dressed in mismatched clothes and combing my rather long, thick hair when my mom was in the hospital and it was just the two of us. I won’t even get into the teaching me how to drive (before I wrecked his car), screening my phone calls and the boy talks! While my mom is without question my best friend, she actually seemed jealous at times, although I believe she realizes, as I do, the special role fathers play in their children’s lives. I’m on my soapbox about this issue constantly where my ex is concerned, because I truly don’t want my daughter to miss out on this wonderful, enriching experience.
So for any dad who steps up to the plate, but particularly single dads who are enduring it alone, you are appreciated and to be commended!
I have to admire any single parent (male or female) for doing the most difficult job on Earth and being responsible the raising their children. It would be nice to see more press for single dads since they have to overcome a lot of the same challenges confronted by moms. They have to perform a lot of the same juggling acts. Its obvious that although it would be ideal, its not necessary for children to be raised in the “Leave It To Beaver” setting to still turn out ok.
Thanks
George
After 18 years of marriage I find my self a single father of two boys, 13 and 16, both of whom have been damaged by a bad marriage. After rocky beginnings, our relationship is improving. My life is my boys, my job, my community involvement. I can’t imagine dating much less falling in love again. Sometimes that makes me cry with the void that is left. Sometimes it makes me feel very free and powerful because I don’t feel that I have to comply with all the pressure and obligation imposed by books and movies and friends trying to fix me up and all the other myths of society.
Sometimes I feel angry at the bad rep we men have, and I’ll feel never understood, and I’ll feel martyred, and I’ll be in a bad mood for days. That’s what landed me in front of the computer and Google and this blog. I have never posted a comment to a blog–ever.
Well, I vented, and anger has lost its control of me, and #16 just left to take a practice ACT and #13 is still asleep.
Well, it’s Saturday, and I have laundry and shopping, and I’ll fix a great meal tonight that they will probably think is yucky.
Dr. J: Welcome! I can speak for all the single moms here to say that we really appreciate your honesty and thoughtfulness.
Congrats on your first post ever! You made my day.
“Hi,” he says with a timid wave, barely looking up from his feet. “My name is Mike and I am a single father.”
Oh, was this not that kind of meeting?
Ok, a little more seriously now….
My son’s mom and I separated after 11 years of marriage. It was November 2001 and my son was four and half years old. The conversation about separation and custody was pretty simple actually and never contested. I won’t go into all that she and I did, but I told her that she had to leave and she already knew that I would take care of our son because I had been for the previous year as it was. No fight or argument at that point, we both knew it was the right thing to do. Six years later I am still a single parent, have moved states twice (from Va beach, to Maryland for two years, and then back) have had my son in four different schools systems, we’ve been through over half a dozen psychiatrists and counselors, learned about all kinds of acronyms and diagnoses like ADD, ADHD, ODD, BCD, BI-POLAR, Autism, Asperger’s, depression, explosive child, twice exceptional, gifted, IEP, ED, and I’m sure more are coming. I feel like a pharmacist, doctor, psychiatrist, and counselor all rolled into one. My son is bright, creative, impulsive, kind, generous, impulsive, explosive, attention starved, adventurous, oppositional, impulsive, amazingly wonderful, artistic, and impulsive. Did I mention impulsive? Ah I see that I did. Washington D.C. is INTERACTIVE for him, meaning everything is climbable. Even the Declaration of Independence, the dinosaurs, and the buildings they sit in. Everyday is a challenge and I stay tired.
I generally think of my life as having four forces comprised of my son, my job, my dating life, and my own needs. I always forget to add my own needs in there. They are never in balance. It seems like one is doing well while the others suffer so I sprint from one to the next to the next trying to balance it out. I often think that higher powers are just entertained at what I will do next, or mad at some mistake I made (and I make a lot).
I started blogging to look for other single dads, single parents, advice from ANY parents, help from people that have children like mine, and the fact that just expressing what I feel or go through seems to help me sort it all out. I have found that privacy issues can be a big hindrance in finding other local parents struggling with issues like my son, or other single parents that might need support. The schools can’t say when other children in the class or school are like yours, and neither can the medical practices. So now I try to talk to everyone I run across to look for resources. It still isn’t easy.
And now we need to rush to a basketball game. Have a great weekend!
~Mike
To all the single dads…. I applaud you; I commend you; I am in awe of you; I repect you. I am a single parent to a 4 yr old girl. We were not so fortunate to have a father who was willing to take the responsibilty of raising a child he brought in to this world. I agree with Mike, it’s difficult to locate resources to connect with other single parents. I admit that I long to talk to other single parents. I have lots of friends in 2 parent households who I can talk to about my parenting issues. But frankly, it’s just different as a single parent. That’s not a pity party invitation, it’s just reality!
Thanks for inviting me here Rachel.
Also, thanks to all the Moms who commented here. Your comments really lifted my spirit. It’s nice to know that guys like us are appreciated.
After the big split-up, I rented a one bedroom apartment. There, I brooded and let the wounds fester. I was so miserable. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
The girls spent almost a year living with their mother. Then one day my oldest daughter called and said that they couldn’t stand living with their mom anymore and asked if they could come live with me. “Asked”?
The girls have been living with me ever since. The Mom has a really nice, big house now but still they choose to live here in our two bedroom apartment with me. I gave them the master bedroom with the private bathroom and the vanity counter with the big mirror. They’re girls.
I’m perfectly happy with my little box of a bedroom. I’m just a guy. What else would I need?
Sure, it’s hard raising kids by yourself. It’s hard as a Dad to raise girls. Alone. But I don’t think it’s any harder than what Moms do raising boys. Or girls. Or boys and girls. In some ways I like raising them alone. That way they are not influenced by their idiot mother.They visit her about every two, three or four weeks on a weekend. They love their mom but by Sunday they are ready to get back home.
Thanks, everyone, for the words of welcome and support. Could it be, Mike, that we are fathers of triplets separated at birth. Did I mention impulsive. Both my boys have alphabet soup diagnoses. They are on medication after a number of years of resistance on my part. I have seen improvement, but we haven’t yet decided which is the best medication or what is the appropriate dosage. This counselor or that therapist may or may not believe in medication. One or both of the boys may decide the therapist is a dork, that therapy is worthless.
Yes I have found that therapists are not the best source for support groups. Most teachers are at least willing to offer help. Some go the extra mile, and some say, “he’s a looser. I’m busy. Get over it.”
It is encouraging to encounter a significant number of good dads. This may not balance out the bad. Or is the bad an hyperbole from a vocal majority? minority? of embittered moms?
I am motivated by the praise and encouragement of the moms here. I don’t and never have bought the Mars and Venus notion. We are far more alike than different. Those that exploit the differences do so to advance some agenda. None of this serves the children.
I have a friend, a single mom of 2 girls, with whom I share a standing order. If either starts a pity party, the other provides a swift kick in the ass. There is a $5 fine for whining.
To the single dads … If you are still in your child’s life, that’s great. Neither of my children’s sperm donors care enough to want to be a decent, responsible dad.
Can I admit I’m a little jealous of you single dads? Your’re usually portrayed as the parenting rock stars in the media where us single moms are the norm
That said, I’m really looking forward to reading some of these above blogs and seeing how the other half survives this wild ride, especially those of you with boys.
I would like to really thank all the parents who step up to the plate and are there for their children – custodial, non-custodial, single, separated, divorced or widowed – the first bit is being there for the children.
Yep – there probably seems a lot more out there for single mothers than fathers – but most support forums I have been to have been very welcoming of fathers as much as mothers.
Leslie, this is not a competition. I am proud of what I attempt. I don’t want to be better than single moms. I just don’t want to be evaluated as less than–by someone else or myself.
I had a significant setback (at lease it feels that way after some great advances) this afternoon. Disappointment, anger, yelling, (damn!!!!!!!!! I swore I wouldn’t do that again) guilt, resentment, death wishes for the other parent, my ex-wife, the usual shit. No, I haven’t dealt with my feelings, the emotion. That will take a couple of days. And that’s a shortcomming of the internet and blogs. When I am on the edge of major destruction, I need Local, I need instantaneous, immediate.
Leslie, knowing what some friends have gone through with girls, (some of which I have witnessed) I welcome my 2 sons.. At the same time, I will share my “advice” relative to boys–for what it’s worth.
Well, color me a little cynical, guys. If the moms are out of the picture, then hats off for the job you do. But I know that my ex is going around using his single-dad pity party as a way to pick up chicks and generally get love from the world. Fact is I’m here still cleaning up the mess he made; I’m the custodial parent who has to patch the kid back together and make the calls to CPS when he does crazy things; I’m the one with the triple shift. Oh, and I get to be the evil wench for the new woman in the picture. Fingers crossed that either she can do math or is too old to have more kids with him, because if she thinks the child support number’s going to go down, she’s got another think coming.
When I meet single dads who make stable lives for their children, actually raise them, and don’t simply hand them to the nearest available woman for babysitting (“But she wanted to!”), then I give respect. Otherwise, frankly, what I see is divorced dads with a lot of time off .