If you want to date again, what’s holding you back?

by singlemomseeking on January 4, 2008

victorias-secret.jpgSomewhere buried down deeply in every single mom, there’s a woman.

Yesterday, Dr. Leah — author of the best selling The Complete Single Mother: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Concerns — and I were talking about how many single moms we know who want to date — but don’t.

We wish we could say that, after a couple of months of single motherhood, we both got over it in a snap and started dating again. But it was a long haul. We don’t want you to go through the same.

If you want to date again, what’s holding you back?

Sure, you might have stretch marks (which, by the way, men rarely notice). Your thighs might be a tad wider (which, by the way, men don’t care). Your buns might be a bit bigger (which, by the way, men LOVE).

Do tell: What’s stopping you?

Single mamas, here’s a dare for you today: Unless you’re in the Bay Area — where it’s pouring rain and two highways have just been closed — I dare you to go out during your lunch break (or this weekend) and treat yourself. Buy yourself a pretty, well-fitting bra. Throw in a lacy pair of panties.

Then report back here. Pronto. Okay?

Image from Victoria’s Secret

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Kate April 9, 2008 at 9:49 pm

Hi there,

I live in Vancouver Canada and the men here are incredibly shy. I went to the States last summer and was asked out at the airport! I have consistently hung out at Starbucks, try to make small chat in elevators, smile and make eye contact whenever possible. I’m told I’m attractive. My guy friends can’t believe I’m single. I haven’t been asked out since I went south last summer.

What is the deal?



JUDY February 24, 2008 at 9:46 pm

My great friend, a married man, always reminds me that if I really wanted to be dating or in a relationship, I would be. And I have to admit, he’s right although I try to blame it on time, children, age, body image and everything else, it comes down to what I want and the deliberate choices I make to avoid the scene…or at least avoid the viable scene


Dada February 16, 2008 at 4:25 pm

I’m a 46 yo man with 2 daughters, 6 & almost 4. I cram a 40 hr work week in between 3pm fri and 11pm sun (i’m an RN). While I used to be so confident and cocky in my younger years, I find myself struggling with body image issues, time allotment for someone else, and rejection anxiety. You gals aren’t the only ones dealing with these issues. By the way, jiggly butts rock!


Andrea February 11, 2008 at 2:15 pm

Single parent dating should be a fun experience, buy some gorgeous lingerie, put on the fake tan and go on lots and lots of dates.

Only when you feel comfortable you should introduce your new partner to your child as a new friend. Your child will be able to relate to this easier. After all, it is important that your child understands you need to have friends too.


Tess January 26, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Thank you Crazy Computer Dad !!!! I live with my 30 something daughter, a single Mom of 4 ages 1-12 and we just moved. She needs to meet new people her age with no pressure.


Leslie January 9, 2008 at 9:23 pm

I thought it was timely that I just got a new Vicky’s catalogue in the mail 🙂

I’ll second that Jenny, I’m just too stingy with my free time and whether I want to risk free time on someone new or cherished friends…This is also likely why I’m coming up on 2 years alone 😛


Lexi's Mom January 9, 2008 at 1:14 pm

Great point. That’s my next problem for when I DO meet Mr. Right. My free time is spent with my daughter, 99.9%, and I’m not even sure that I’m willing to give much of that up, even if I do have childcare. What man is going to settle for being 2nd all the time and deal with the limited amounts of time that I can give him?


Jenny January 9, 2008 at 3:46 am

I have my children 24/7 how can I make a relationship work when I have so little time to give to another person? I am not able to jump up and go away on weekends anymore. Not sure how to handle.


Hanie January 8, 2008 at 3:17 am

I m not short of men interested in the dating scene. Its just that I feel I have so much past baggages that I still need to address to. Trust is one thing, and I start questioning every single intention that come my way. On top of that, my teenager is absolutely critical of my male friends.
Oh yeah, the stretch mark = self conciousness. I didnt realised men didnt notice them…


singlemomseeking January 7, 2008 at 7:13 am

Computer Dad,

Thanks so much for showing us “the other side.”
See mamas, men are often so absorbed in worrying about their own “parts,” they don’t even see yours. Amazing, huh?

P.S. A single mom reader just wrote to me off-the-blog to say, “Please thank that man who made the latest entry on your blog—it’s so nice to hear from men now and then, especially decent ones! 😉 I’m going to look into one of the social groups he mentioned…”


Crazy Computer Dad January 6, 2008 at 7:27 pm

🙂 From the other side of the fence….I’m a single dad and I have some of the self-conscious feelings about myself and various parts of my body. I gave up on dating sites like Match.combat…and e-harmony wouldn’t even have me at all. The dating sites are great for just dating, but I was looking for something more.

I decided to join some groups that do things I like to do. It is so much better than any dating site (at least to me). Two groups in particular are meetup.com and meetin.org. Meetin.org has been one of the best things to happen to me in a long time. Both are essentially free. Both have groups that do happy hours, outdoors things, book clubs, parents with kids, sports, you name it. The great thing about both is that they are geared towards bringing new people in. Each normally has an organizer that gets all the details together and introduces you to everyone else once you get there. It is always great conversation and great fun. The best thing is that you choose the events that interest you, and you are always surrounded by other people that are into it too. I won’t say it is nirvana on any level, but it certainly keeps me out with other like minded adults, doing things I like to do.

Maybe Victoria secrets does this, I don’t know, but you should up the ante and get a fitted bra. What does a guy know about this? Well, nothing naturally, but i have talked with some women and they rave about it. It is more expensive I think, but to have someone wait on you, take all the measurements and really work to find a quality bra that is comfortable and totally fits YOU should be well worth it. Not my place to say anything at all…just passing on what I hear.


Jenn January 5, 2008 at 6:40 pm

Legal Editor,


That is exactly how I’m looking at it. When I’m not all worried about my thighs. 🙂


Jenn January 5, 2008 at 12:06 pm

Stretch marks: Check.

Wider hips: Check.

Jigglier Ass: Check.

Fear, terror, self doubt making me sick: Check.

Jenn’s dating gun is locked and loaded.


singlemomseeking January 4, 2008 at 9:50 pm

Woman with Kids: Yes-siree, wander through the produce aisle, the book store, the YMCA… the men are out there!

Avigail: Ah, thank you for this! Yes, it is about YOU! You deserve the very best, good for you for NOT settling.


Avigail74 January 4, 2008 at 6:51 pm

Ironically, I did go out and by myself a pair of underwear and bra from Victoria’s Secret and a pair of tight pants from Guess—the amazing thing was, I did it for me! Not for a man—I used to do all these things to look good for a man–now I’ve turned the table and learned to do it for myself!

As for dating—I’ll date a lot and then give up for awhile—and when the urge strikes, I’ll date again—and, sigh, give up. And the cycle goes on.


woman with kids January 4, 2008 at 4:52 pm

My stretch marks aren’t holding me back; meeting guys is. So far, single guys haven’t knocked on my door… perhaps trolling the produce aisle at the grocery store isn’t the best place to look?


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