In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m holding a few Book Give Aways through February 14th. (Thanks to the rockin’ Andie at Seal Press!)
So, today, the Big Question is: “How do you fall in love again… when you’re a single parent?”
It takes a whole lot of guts to open yourself up to another human being again. Don’t you agree? This really struck me recently when I stumbled across a blog post from A Return to Life. (Thank you to Ms. Single Mama, who led me there!)
This is one of the most poignant posts I’ve ever read about single parents and love. Anabiosis says:
“…in the beginning of our new budding romances, it almost is just like it was before, almost. But there is a difference, a huge difference. We have responsibilities. Things that must be done and taken care of before we can even start to think about our own life, much less our romantic life.”
“For example, as I glanced at the clock in my truck this morning, it was 6:32, and I couldn’t help but think, my boyfriend’s alarm hasn’t even gone off yet. He is still sleeping.”
“I have gotten up, showered, fixed coffee, my breakfast, packed Doodlebug’s breakfast, made his hot chocolate, walked the dog, dressed, dressed my son, packed my stuff for the day, in the car and headed out of the driveway.”
“As I started my drive this morning, the sad thought entered my head, if he ever asked me (which he has in some ways but not directly) if I could live without him, I would have to answer: Of course. Which isn’t something someone in love wants to hear or even think about.”
“But… we can live without them. We have lived without them. We have survived, and need be, of course we still could.”
~~~
Although I don’t necessarily agree that her epiphany is a “sad” one — I’d say it’s more liberating — she’s right: single parenthood has changed us so dramatically. We’re autonomous and self-sustaining now. (Not to mention bolder and brassier!)
So, what does it take for you to fall in love again?
What do you think?
Have you fallen in love again since becoming a single parent? Tell us about it. What does it take?
The first Book Give Away is the just-published Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation, by Playgirl magazine columnist Jamye Waxman.
After all, loving yourself is where it all starts, right?
(According to Getting Off, “Masturbation is like tuning a radio—you don’t know what frequencies you’ll enjoy until you play with the knobs.”)
You have until Monday, Jan. 21st to write in…. until M picks a name from hat.
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Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
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Oh my lawdy! I MUST HAVE THAT BOOK!! LOL
Haven’t fallen in love again….actually really scared when I think about it. I actually start thinking of things like the excerpt you posted. “What if the man I dated saw me in my usual state of panic in the morning…..I get frustrated with my son when he spills the juice for the third time ……what if he just doesn’t get it AHHH! I have to stop that . Still being scared doesn’t stop me from imagining and if it happens it happens…..I just hope I give him a chance when he comes along for now I won’t try too hard.
LadyFox:
Maybe he’ll be a single dad who’s anxious that his potential girlfriend will freak out when she seems him losing his temper… after his own son spills his milk for the third time that morning. He might be just as scared. Hmmm, you never know.
Thanks for keeping it real.
I’ve been a single mom for nearly 2 years and to be honest the idea of dating terrifies me for many reasons. Mostly, I wonder how another person would fit into our already complicated life.
I’m quite proud of the fact that I can handle just about anything on my own, but taking out the trash gets to be a drag. Having a man around might be kind of nice.
I think you’re onto something single dads are the way to go!
Thanks Rachel for giving this astounding entry the attention it deserves. I posted it because I have actually fallen in love for the first time post-divorce and it is so different.
What did it take? I had to let go of my fears. My fear of rejection, pain, another failed relationship or worst of all – my fear of hurting my son in the process.
I am a single mother, but I am also a single woman. Love is one of the most beautiful things my son can witness. If it fails – it’s a life lesson he will have to see. Can I avoid this? Sure I could never date or fall in love – but then neither of us would ever have a chance of finding a father/husband. It’s something I call the single mom dating conundrum. We’re kind of stuck between a rock and hard place, but we just have to keep going. Read up on my little theory on my blog.
The best thing we can do is not waste our time with jerks or rif raf. If I am with someone it is because he truly improves both of our lives.
Good luck Single Mamas!
-Ms. Single Mama
Amen to the not wasting time with jerks or rif raf! In addition to Rachel’s insight about our being autonomous, self-sustaining, bolder and brassier, I myself simply have no time or tolerance for any crap.
As a newly divorced mom with a preschooler, new job, part-time freelance career, house to maintain by myself and overall hectic life, I’m easing my way very, very slowly into dating. (I’ve met a few potential guys but have yet to actually schedule something and go!) But this is good, because my major test for ALL of them is how they respond when I talk about my daughter or when I detail everything that I do or have done in a particular day. It’s of course enough to make anyone’s head spin, but I’m particularly cognizant of their reactions. And anyone who is not concerned, interested, or potentially thinking of suggestions or offers of help, will probably not even get that first date! It may sound harsh, but I just don’t have the time—or time to waste.
As far as falling in love, I’m so far away from that that I imagine if it does happen again, it will be far in the future. I’m a firm believer that when the time is right, it will happen. And after everything I’ve been through, it will take a very special individual.
Before I can say those 3 words again, I have to know that this person accepts my child, likes her and is concerned for her, sees how she fits into “us,” actually wants that to happen, and will treat her as his own. Otherwise, forget it!
I have fallen in love since my divorce… I can’t say it was all bad, but it was definitely tough. I have fallen in and out of love with him multiple times..
There are times I wish I could just get him out of my life and other times I miss him so much.. What a rollercoaster. Definitely reminds me of my marriage.
My biggest issue was always that he is not a parent. Even though he works with children as a profession he is still not a parent and has a hard time understanding that my boy will always come first.
I definitely wanted to fall in love again.. I don’t know if I was ready for this guy though.. But you do just have to jump in head first to find out. I think that is the nature of love and something that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. An animal hurts its paw on a rock and the next time it is walking the path it will walk around that rock…. People on the other hand, no matter how many times we get our heart broken we will almost always go back for more, whether or not we are scared it will happen again.
My next adventure in love will be with a guy who has kids of his own…That is going to be non-negotiable. That is the only way that a guy will truly understand that kids always come first. I will also wait a while longer to introduce my son to him. I don’t think I waited long enough last time and it was confusing for the Boy when all of a sudden he wasn’t there on a regular basis. Sadly my son still asks to see him and I still don’t know what to tell him.
Oh well, before I jump a gain I am definitely taking some time for me… now that the boy is getting older I can take that time and not feel bad about it.
Oh dear! It’s been four years since my divorce—I”ve had two mini (dare I say, really mini) relationships—but I”ve spend many years looking inwards and trying to figure out what the woman in me wants—while doing that, I discovered that I didn’t know who I was–hencie I used that time to get to know me!
So, for the first time, I’ve really, really opened myself and have taken the plunge. I want to fall in love–and by golly I’m ready. Since I’ve spread my wings, I’ve noticed that men are starting become more available and obvious—but I haven’t found that special guy just yet! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he’ll come along somehow.
It can happen.
Despite the kicking and screaming and swearing it won’t happen…it can.
And the fact that it is me saying this is possible is enough to make me pinch myself.
And this kind of love–this best friend, you make the sun shine brighter kind of thing? I’m certain that I only have it because I was so comfortable with the thought that I might not ever have it….if that makes any sense. (?)
Reason #695 why this book is needed:
[http://www.forgetmenotpanties.com/].
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
(Via Susie Bright’s Blog)
Love……..hmm…. the images it conjures up now are not all rosy.To let go of the anger,bitterness, hurt and pain would be a very difficult task(for, how else can one love?) but not impossible.
And there’s always the chance of further wounding my already scarred heart.
I do wish i find love again for my son’s sake as much as for myself, because as single mom i feel we have to lead by example, for our kids.
How else can we tell them that we have lived,loved and lost and are willing to let it all go and take chances?
On a lighter note,Rachel, i think i should win this book hands down(the goal being to give it to those in need!!!) as i’ve been a single mom for over a year and in India,where i live no one dates single moms!!
It’s so great to hear this range from emotions, from those of you who feel scared to get back out there… to those of you who have taken the plunge.
Ms. Single Mama and Jenn, I read your blogs (as you know!), and I don’t think either of your guys are single dads, right?… Single, yes. Dads, no?
Those of you who are dating are very brave. I will be honest – I just don’t see how I will ever be able to do it. My mother drilled into the idea of one true love and that you only “know” (in the biblical sense one man your whole life. She painted such a rosy picutre – I thought “Wouldn’t that be wonderful!”. I bought it so much – that I actually remained a virgin until I married my ex-husband at 23. it wasn’t easy. first of all – I am not a total dog – so I did have lots of boyfriends and lots of dates – but I was holding out for the “one” when it came to sex.
Fast forward to now – 9 1/2 years of marriage (and sex – which I DON”T think is fair that i waited and then only got less than a decade’s worth) – and prince charming is gone. I guess I am about as jaded as they get. Although I really try to fight being bitter and sad because i don’t want it to affect my daughter.
So as far as loving again – I really don’t think I have it in me to be THAT vulnerable. I think that maybe even if I wanted to – I couldn’t be. Sad, huh?
My ex-husband left over 2 years ago and the divorce was final this fall. I haven’t even come close to dating – I truly wonder and often doubt that I will ever be able to or ready again. Fear is part of it – I am sure – but I worry that the part of me that can give of myself and trust, and love in that way is permanently damaged. And by teh way – if that is so – then I wish the desire have sex would be extinguished to. And I am all for self love – I had to be- to keep that cherished virginity – but mastrubation vs making love is like comparing eating bag of chips to a full dinner. Both fix that urge of being hungry – but every now and then you really want the whole deal.
Amy
They’d have to meet a min. of 90% of the items on my long list of qualifications. I’m very picky and easily creeped out/put off. Chances are I’ve wrote them off the list before they even look at me. I’ve dated very little and only been in two relationships. One long term that failed miserably for both parties and one short-lived that started out like a rocket and then sputtered into non-existence without even a hint of fireworks. I also suffered a psychotic infatuation with a 6 years older paranoid schizophrenic when I was a teen. Not the best choice in the world for a “first love”.
The second one hurt as briefly as the relationship lasted, the first one devastated me, the third one mentioned above drove me to insanity. The 3 other guys I dated briefly… I don’t even remember their names.
Since the beginning of my “falling in love” history the only thing it’s ever done is cause severe depression, frustration and insanity. It wasn’t until I’d been out of a relationship for a while that I finally broke out of that cloud.
It would take…. a miracle. The more I think about what it would take, the more impossible it is. And I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t want to break down my defenses so that I can be open to love. Those defenses weren’t built for no reason, they’re there to keep me from going through the same crap I’ve already been through.
Amy: I love that bag of chips vs. full dinner metaphor. Good one! But sometimes, you need to have a little taste before you know if you like it, right?….
Sowmi: Do tell us what it’s like to be a single mom in India! So glad to hear from you.
Rhiannon: Here’s to miracles, I say….
WoW! I found a website with people I can relate to!! I have been divorced for 5 years now and have had one significant relationship which ended in a very hurtful manner ( he was cheating) and am currently in a new relationship with a man, who does not have any children of his own. Initially the relationship developed at turtle speed. Mostly because I dd not want him to be involved with my daughter until i was “sure” about him. Fast forward… we have now been dating for 2 years, We recently decided that it was time for us to integrate our extended families, and meet each others parents. Although I had not formally met his parents until recently, he reassured me that he had talked to them about me, and that they at least knew i existed.
Over the holidays i had dinner with him and his family ( without my 7 year old daughter). To make a long story short… after the dinner, I asked my boyfriend if his mother knew that I was a single mom. he said no! ….2 years of dating and he still hasnt told his mom that his girlfriend is a single mom!! Granted I just met the parents about a month ago (due to my insistence). Im starting to think this is not going to work out for me….need advice please!
I was the kind of husband that didn’t flirt, always came home, always helped with chores, always helped with my son. The last year of our marriage was spent with me trying to figure out how to put things back together and her going out with her “friends” nearly every night. November 2001 was the end of our 11 year marriage. I married very young and didn’t really know anything about dating, so being single again and trying to find someone seemed impossible. Add to that the financial distress we were going through at the time and it seemed doubly impossible. I had a pretty low self-esteem so I was pretty sure I was going to be alone for a long time.
I guess I was pretty set on not letting it own me though. Besides, the best revenge is a life well lived. I was also adamant with myself that not every woman was like my ex-wife. I had met so many exceptional women through the years that I intrinsically knew this to be true. My greatest fear was that all the great women would be unavailable. Fortunately this is not so.
I highly recommend a book called “Emotional Unavailability.” If you have really been hurt by someone, this book might go a long way toward helping you heal. I just read the preface and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Five years to the day that my marriage ended, I ended a relationship with someone that I considered to be my ultimate soul mate. We connected on so many levels. However, I always felt like I was coming up short. You would not believe what I did for this relationship to “prove” myself. She had five children and when you add my son that made a perfect Brady bunch ( I grew up with three other brothers and I love coming home to a bunch of kids). I found out that she had cheated and lied to me many times. The saddest thing is that six children had to go through yet another detachment. There are a lot of “broken” people out there. They are not necessarily bad, but it doesn’t have to be you that fixes them. Recognizing some of the more common character traits can be crucial in moving ahead with relationships and avoiding pitfalls, and the “Emotional Unavailability” book may help you. It helped me realize that with the latest meltdown that it wasn’t my fault. Even though I wasn’t the one to stray, I had been blaming myself because I figured I just wasn’t doing enough. The book helped me understand that I had done more than enough and that it was the other person that made the mistakes.
I am afraid that I will be hurt again, and some things I absolutely don’t want to go through again, but I’m not going to find the person that is right for me unless I am looking. Why should I forgo the happiness and dreams I deserve because of the failings of a few people in my life?
I tried dating a few single women that didn’t have children in the past year. One said I needed a Nanny so that her and I could spend more time together. The other said I needed to send my son, 9 at the time, to a boarding school so that I could spend more time with her. I’m not making this up. Neither one lasted very long, and neither met my son. A third woman didn’t say anything about my son, but it was clear that I didn’t have the time to spend on her either.
I’m up between 5 and 5:30 every day. I herd my son around like a stray sheep in the morning. I’m amazed every day that he makes it to daycare and to school after that. I might as well attach strings to the boy. I work a mentally taxing job, then go to the YMCA to workout and to pick up my son, fix dinner, get some chores done, maybe read email or write in my blog, play some games with my son, then put him to bed at 8pm, play the I don’t want to go to sleep game until 8:30 or 9:00pm, pay bills or do some other project, call my girlfriend for a bit, maybe squeeze in a game with some friends on the xbox (in all likelihood I’m working on another project though), then try to squeak out an episode of southpark without falling asleep around 11:30 (or after midnight lately). I’m not always very friendly or patient around 8pm these days and I think my son likes the shades of color I turn at times because he certainly pushes all the limits.
My son has piano one night during the week, one sport twice a week, and I try to play a sport at least once a week. I stopped match.combat a year ago because it was just too crazy trying to figure people out. I had always been told to do things I like to do and I will meet someone that likes the same things. After 11 years of marriage, what the hell did I like to do? I had lost so much of myself that I wasn’t even really sure. I LOVE snowboarding. I love anything having to do with adventures like hiking, camping, kayaking, biking, geocaching, rock climbing, playing sports, etc. I don’t watch TV though, no time (11 seasons after southpark started I am just now starting to watch it now and then on iTunes). I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I like and don’t like to do. I joined a social group that was into the things I like and I have met a terrific woman that is also into those things. However, there is a part of me that is still holding back. I go to counseling to work on forgiveness and pent up anger from my past relationships so that I can learn to keep moving forward.
Um, I got kind of wound up in the moment….did I manage to stay on topic? I’ve been trying for a couple of days now to find the time to respond!
Hey Rachel – nope, mine is not a single dad. Although I did try to date a few. But there just wasn’t any chemistry. But I loved the idea of being with a single dad.
Why? Because they must “get” the kid thing. At least they’ve got that. And they’ve got another kid – or kids – that would be fantastic! I wouldn’t have to necessarily give birth to anymore.
I came to a profound conclusion a while ago – after way too many mid 30′s single men crossed my path – that I would start trying out 1. single dads (we know they get the reality of it all) 2. Divorced men (at least they’ve made a commitment to a woman) or 3. Younger men (they are maleable and very open minded!)
I found a younger man first and so far – it’s been absolutely amazing.
But – back to the single dad thing – that would be awesome. Really. How lucky if you could have chemistry with another parent? I think it would make a lot of things easier. Other than potential clashing of parenting styles – but hey, you could learn from each other.
Ha…I’m giddy tonight. Because I’m in love! I too … wasn’t expecting it and had completely resolved to just be happy with me. Do that first, love will follow.
Hey Rachel, It’s very different being a single mom here in India.It’s still not as socially acceptable as in other parts of the world.But now there has been a slight change and women are choosing out of abusive and traumatic marriages.But it’s a lot tough on the women and her entire family where as the men seem to get off relatively easily.I am not saying this out of bitterness ,i am simply stating that it is a fact as India is still a predominantly male dominated society.But enough of boring facts.I’m curious to know what all of you think or perceive of India?
Oprah and her guest, Dr. Christiane Northrup, call it ‘self cultivation’ in a recent program. There doesn’t that sound much better than ‘self pleasure’ or ‘self love’ ? No, perhaps Cultivation reminds too much of growing things? Cheers,. ‘VJ’
I finally found what you were talking about when you said you linked to me! Yea for me!
I just wanted to take a little time to comment for a second.
Sad epiphany, because, I can remember what it felt like to be what I thought was “in love” with my son’s father. He was the first person I ever “fell in love” with. We were engaged (1 year), unengaged, back to dating on and off, and pregnant, and within weeks of finding out about the pregnancy, most definitely very, very alone. Well, not alone, but single. I had my dog, and my friends, and my far away family, so not alone, but single, and pregnant, my worst nightmare.
anyway, that is another story for another time.
My post is/was because, Boyfriend, is the 2nd real relationship I have ever been in. I know I complain a lot, but he has been great in so many ways. He loves my son. He knows, and in many a ‘deep discussion’ aka argument, he is always quick to say, “I know that you are 100% consumed with doodlebug. I know that he is, and always will be #1 in your life….. I just want to know, where I fit in behind him, your parents, your dog, etc.”
I have recently decided, that should boyfriend and I break up, I have no desire to be in another committed relationship. It’s too much work. I say that because like in my blog that you quoted above, my day starts at 5 am, at least.
after all of that, and battling Houston morning traffic for an hour, working at an up and coming physician’s office, and fighting traffic home, picking up son, getting to apt. walking dog again, making dinner, washing up after dinner, showers/baths, whatever, and maybe even……time to breath. Problem I face is, him always wanting more time for him. I can’t blame him. He is single. His family lives in another state. Son and I are all he has. But my time, I feel like is limited, and he gets aggravated at times, because he feels like I put him on the bottom of my priority list, and I sort of do.
I am not faultless, in our problematic relationship. I am hard wired to be pessimistic, I fly off at the handle at anything, because on any given moment, I am prepped and ready for battle. Why because Ex and I fought A LOT. Because, ex, I and his psycho bride, fought A LOT. I have darn neared earned my purple heart in battle.
When you battle over so much, as I have (and just for history, I will work on a blog, so that you or anyone else may have a better understanding) everything becomes touchy.
So if… boyfriend and I don’t make it, and I wonder because he seems hellbent on making it work, when sometimes, I could walk away, save him the pain of never being #1, and me of worrying about not only a possible heartbreak for me in the future when he figures out someone else could give him so much more, along with the heartbreak of my son , losing the only daddy he has ever known.
I’m rambling now, I will try to work on some ‘historical’ posts of my own.
I read your blog for the first time today and thought I would write to you about my story. I am a 43 year old single mother of 3 boys. (9 and 7 year old twins). My ex became a cocaine addict over 3 years ago. After sticking with him and trying and trying to help him for over a year and multiple rehabs, I had to get out for me and the kids! I filed in March 06 and my friends convinced me to get on JDate. I did in May. I was terrified but this way could just chat online until I was comfortable with anything more. I started chatting online and then on the phone with one person in particular. Long story, but we finally after months met, and we have been together 1 1/2 years and plan to get married as soon as our divorces are final final! There are wonderful men out there, he is amazing!! By the way, I get NO child support!
My biggest fear is that my past experience of “love” when I was married has torn something out of me to the point where I am not sure I am capable of “falling in love.” I feel that part of me has been squelched, although I have had several dates and 4 or 6-month relationships. The ability to be in love is something I can’t even imagine. The ability to love someone comes easy. Understand the nuance?