Rachel,
First of all, I have to say that that’s an adorable photo of Mae! (Did you intend to cover the first part of your post)

My mind is racing with the thought of my upcoming divorce hearing tomorrow (and having to see HIM after 6 months with no contact and utter contempt in my heart for his blatant neglect and disregard for our child!), but the one thing that came to mind instantly when I read your post is to stay calm, and to not let the kid see you lose your cool. Once you do that, they know they have you and can likely get what they want, mainly because you’re too tired to argue.

My little angel was just that, a little angel, when she was two. But now that she’s three pushing four, she is impossible! She wants her way all the time, and doesn’t want to hear anything come out of my mouth except yes to whatever it is that she’s asking for. It seemed that the more I yelled and the more I lost it, the more determined she was to get her way.

So now I remain calm, don’t raise my voice, and when I’ve said no to one of her requests several times and she doesn’t seem to get it, I tell her that it’s the last time I’m going to say it, and that I will not discuss the subject again. Then I proceed to ignore her (about that particular topic).

It was hard at first, and the more she went on, the easier it would have been to give in. But no more. I truly ignore her, and once she’s exhausted HERSELF and seen that she can’t get to me, she moves on! Try it…

Ok so maybe I’m the crazy one but here’s what I think… Let her eat swedish fish till she’s sick if she wants to. Then make her brush her teeth. One swedish fish binge in a blue moon isn’t gonna kill the kid! And it might have the added benefit of making her not WANT them again for a long time! As for the bed buddy during break, I think you decide what you can live with. She won’t be any worse for the wear!

Techie question: is part of the text still covered up? On my screen, you can see all of the text. Hmmm.

Elissa: Ah, yes, a Swedish Fish binge. The kid seems to crave sugar all the time (should I be worried? addiction?). But you’re right: maybe saying “Eat your heart out” would work.

Lexi’s mom: Age three was by far the most challenging for me to date. When Mae was three, I often locked myself in the bathroom to calm down. Wow, three-year-old girls are Powerful!

The first part of the text is still covered by the photo on my screen, so not sure if it’s only mine?

One habit I absolutely had to break was my daughter’s wanting a chocolate sprinkle donut from Dunkin’ Donuts, every day. This went from being an occasional treat to an every day occurrence, with her begging, pleading, and overall having fits in the back seat until I drove straight to Dunkin’ Donuts and got her one.

I’m sorry but I will not do this every day and contribute to her sugar highs, future needed dental work and probable obesity by the time she’s 10. (I do not see her tiring of these anytime soon!) So as far as I’m concerned, no is no, and as long as I’m the parent, that’s the way it will be!

I had to learn this from my daughter’s teacher—we parents need to reclaim our queendom—we were told as we sat around the circle on parent evening–that kids need to understand that we are the boss—and that it’s perfectly ok to say no AND not have to explain it. The teacher told us that kids crave structure and consistency. You could see the relief on all the parents’ face just knowing that it’s ok to say no and stick with it. It’s worked wonders with my child and the pleading/bickering has stopped. Now she knows that when I say no, I mean no. Just my two cents.

There’s no magic bullet and no one single approach that’s going to work flawlessly every time. It’s a matter of degree & overall approach & philosophy.

Still, I think Lexi’s Mom has something here though. In the escalation game, it’s the kids that often win by sheer dint of their more abundant energy and focus. There’s not much to be gained by replaying all those stereotypical battles we may recall from our youths, (even if at some remove we may do so with a somewhat perverse degree of fondness).

Structure and boundaries are really important here. The world desperately needs parents to be just that, Parents, not exactly ‘pals’ or ‘equals’ of your kids. You’re simply not. You know more, you’ve lived a life of experiences they might only imagine. The food deal is particularly important here too. It’ll seem entirely trivial here, but good habits do indeed start early. Treats and sugar are just that, treats that should be sparingly used during the day. (It’s now calculated that the average American kid gets a hit of sugary snacks on the order of almost once an hour). This is just asking for trouble in the long run, and indeed we’ve got it in spades now with the declining and often dismal health status of many of our teens and kids.

None of this is at all obvious from looking at your beautiful kid Mae though. Mostly this topic remains the warp & woof of everyday ‘family disputes’, but it’s still vitally important in the long run. Treats & sugary snacks are marvelously attractive to everyone. They need to be treated as the rare special delights that they are, and used much more sparingly. This really doubly goes for the ’sugar water’ drinks from Coke on down that probably add 100 Kcal to their daily intake alone!

But it takes some perseverance and yes even a bit of a reputation for zealous sort of indifference or even yes, callousness. Tell your kids that no, the extra donut is not happening today. Yes, they might petition the UN about the positive injustice of it all. Yes, we can get into a really extended discussion about what it’s like to live on a budget of ~$2 a day in the other half of the world that does not have food security. What would they manage to eat with only perhaps a few spare pennies for a meal for children? How might we include a daily Krispy Kreme for all kids into the UN Declaration for Human Rights?

So kids are not dumb. They get the picture and they well know how to manipulate the world around them. Saying ‘Yes more’ may mean saying Yes to more fruits& veggies & more home cooked treats with less sugar & additives. The world is not constructed as a gumball machine where our every desire is met by the treat of our dreams. We get it. It’s cheap food, but it has some very expensive and deleterious consequences.

Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

Every minute of every day can’t be a negotiation. It’s key to get comfortable saying, “No, because I said so.” This probably sounds incredibly retro at best and harsh at worst, but the kids have far more energy than you will ever muster. Parenting is not a democracy for which every purchase is majority rules. Listen to kids when they set up their own games. They make all kinds of rules. Rules make kids feel safe . Not vacillating about sugary snacks or whatever is really best for them in the long run.

!

I’m really bad with boundaries; my kids know I’m a real soft touch — but I’m trying! And in terms of the kids sleeping in the bed… well… mine ended up in my bed nearly every night after X moved out… and they started to climb in also when my boyfriend (who when he first started sleeping over slept on the pull out couch…. we did this very slowly….) was there — but now they know to only climb in when he’s not there!

My son is a firecracker - always wants his way and he’s not even two yet. I’m scared to death. I always ask myself if it would be easier to be married (not to my ex but to someone) - but it wouldn’t. We may be single parents, but we are stil parents and the same issues would come up - married or not. Just had to vent that (my single mom pep talk to myself) because today was a particularly hard one to.

The ignoring method really works - enforcing it is the hard part. I liked the thought about how kids have more will power - how we can’t let them get to us. But - just for the record - I too feel like all I’m saying is “no” and now - it’s all he’s saying too.

Me: “Come inside Benjamin.” Him: “No!”

Ugghh…he is pretty cute when he says it though. Gotta love ‘em.