Comments on: Should you date a man who’s NOT divorced yet? http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/ Remarried and Remodeling Wed, 08 Feb 2012 06:21:46 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: singlemomseeking http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-2/#comment-12725 singlemomseeking Mon, 28 Sep 2009 22:54:16 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-12725 @Nikki, Thanks for your great comment. Whew. Because this issue is SO common, I've reached out to Dr. Leah at my new blog, http://www.singlemommyhood.com We're planning to post your dilemma next month, in mid-October. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. He sounds a bit controlling? Yes? @Nikki,

Thanks for your great comment. Whew. Because this issue is SO common, I’ve reached out to Dr. Leah at my new blog, http://www.singlemommyhood.com

We’re planning to post your dilemma next month, in mid-October. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. He sounds a bit controlling? Yes?

]]> By: nikkki75 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-12724 nikkki75 Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:31:53 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-12724 Hi, I currently work with a guy who at first we talked about his situation. How his wife cheated on him a few times and how she doesn't love him anymore. That's all that we did in the beginning. We talked at worked and I tried to help and give him some good advice, since we are both of the same religion. Through this talking and just being there to listen to him, I started to feel for him. Right now his wife has filed for a divorce and he has signed the papers. They have 3 kids and she has the house 4 days a week and he has it 3 days. I have never been married or do I have any kids. I normally don't date guys with children, but with him I'll over look it. I know he's not ready and he has been up front with me about everything. At this time we are not dating but we are intimate with each other and it's hard to stop. I'm pretty wishy washy about him, beacuse I do care for him but I know it's morally wrong. I can tell he cares for me as well because he's so concerened and always has to put his two cents in on everything in my life without me asking for it. I know he's not in love with his wife but the idea of a happy family. I definitely don't want to be the rebound, so should I wait an give him time like I have been. Or stay away and stop being intimate with him? Hi,

I currently work with a guy who at first we talked about his situation. How his wife cheated on him a few times and how she doesn’t love him anymore. That’s all that we did in the beginning. We talked at worked and I tried to help and give him some good advice, since we are both of the same religion. Through this talking and just being there to listen to him, I started to feel for him.

Right now his wife has filed for a divorce and he has signed the papers. They have 3 kids and she has the house 4 days a week and he has it 3 days. I have never been married or do I have any kids. I normally don’t date guys with children, but with him I’ll over look it. I know he’s not ready and he has been up front with me about everything.
At this time we are not dating but we are intimate with each other and it’s hard to stop. I’m pretty wishy washy about him, beacuse I do care for him but I know it’s morally wrong. I can tell he cares for me as well because he’s so concerened and always has to put his two cents in on everything in my life without me asking for it.
I know he’s not in love with his wife but the idea of a happy family. I definitely don’t want to be the rebound, so should I wait an give him time like I have been. Or stay away and stop being intimate with him?

]]> By: Miki http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-11868 Miki Sat, 11 Jul 2009 11:37:21 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-11868 I met a man who isn't divorced yet. He would like to date me but I prefer date him after his divorce because I don't want to wreck his family. He talked about problems with his wife which cannot be solved anymore and he will divorce. He accept my idea and would like to keep relationship with me. It's 4-5 months now and I don't know should I date him because he said he doesn't like to talk about his marriage life. I met a man who isn’t divorced yet. He would like to date me but I prefer date him after his divorce because I don’t want to wreck his family.

He talked about problems with his wife which cannot be solved anymore and he will divorce. He accept my idea and would like to keep relationship with me.

It’s 4-5 months now and I don’t know should I date him because he said he doesn’t like to talk about his marriage life.

]]> By: Kris http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-9914 Kris Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:35:21 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-9914 I agree, gemstone, with notreallylooking. As she pointed out, the man with whom you are living has serious control issues that could damage your life. For example, a roommate, particularly one who is still married to someone else, does not have the right to snoop through your computer files, nor read your email. Just so you know, the latter could be considered an unlawful interception of electronic communication. You also said that the divorce proceeding of your considerably older man was in abeyance because of a health issue with his wife. Translated, this can mean the divorce could take SEVERAL years to resolve -- if in fact, it is true. Do you want to spend years waiting for him to be free? Also, do you know who filed the divorce suit and when? Was it filed after or before the wife discovered she had cancer? The reason I ask this is because it reveals a lot about this man's character. If she filed for divorce, you have to ask yourself if she filed because she experienced the same controlling behavior you're presently experiencing. If SHE then asked her attorney to file a motion to hold the divorce proceeding in abeyance after the cancer was diagnosed, then do you know if she is expected to recover? If not, then you have to wonder why he asked you to hide in the other room when his wife came to the door. Is he concerned about her health --or is he protecting an insurance payout? In short, you need to do some investigating on your own -- and learn to interpret the facts. For example, law suits are public record. You can usually go to a city's online website, look for the courthouse site, and from there access individual cases. These tell you who the petitioner is, and who the respondent is. It'll also tell when the case was filed. You will also see any subsequent motions filed for that case number. This will again tell you who filed and when. You may also see some other details you might find surprising. Know that there is nothing morally wrong with wanting to know the truth so that you can make informed decisions! Also ask yourself what he gains by having you live under his thumb. Does he not, for example, gain maid service at a below-the-market price? How much do you think he saved by having you provide his dog-sitting service? Finally, a father does have to consider his children and their feelings. If wearing matching rings would cause them to wonder about a relationship with you, he should be concerned about it. After all, the man is not divorced, and in their eyes, you probably would be considered the homewrecker who destroyed any hope their parents had to get back together. Think: is this the image you would want them to have if you were to become their stepmom? I agree, gemstone, with notreallylooking. As she pointed out, the man with whom you are living has serious control issues that could damage your life. For example, a roommate, particularly one who is still married to someone else, does not have the right to snoop through your computer files, nor read your email. Just so you know, the latter could be considered an unlawful interception of electronic communication.
You also said that the divorce proceeding of your considerably older man was in abeyance because of a health issue with his wife. Translated, this can mean the divorce could take SEVERAL years to resolve — if in fact, it is true. Do you want to spend years waiting for him to be free? Also, do you know who filed the divorce suit and when? Was it filed after or before the wife discovered she had cancer? The reason I ask this is because it reveals a lot about this man’s character. If she filed for divorce, you have to ask yourself if she filed because she experienced the same controlling behavior you’re presently experiencing. If SHE then asked her attorney to file a motion to hold the divorce proceeding in abeyance after the cancer was diagnosed, then do you know if she is expected to recover? If not, then you have to wonder why he asked you to hide in the other room when his wife came to the door. Is he concerned about her health –or is he protecting an insurance payout? In short, you need to do some investigating on your own — and learn to interpret the facts. For example, law suits are public record. You can usually go to a city’s online website, look for the courthouse site, and from there access individual cases. These tell you who the petitioner is, and who the respondent is. It’ll also tell when the case was filed. You will also see any subsequent motions filed for that case number. This will again tell you who filed and when. You may also see some other details you might find surprising. Know that there is nothing morally wrong with wanting to know the truth so that you can make informed decisions!
Also ask yourself what he gains by having you live under his thumb. Does he not, for example, gain maid service at a below-the-market price? How much do you think he saved by having you provide his dog-sitting service?
Finally, a father does have to consider his children and their feelings. If wearing matching rings would cause them to wonder about a relationship with you, he should be concerned about it. After all, the man is not divorced, and in their eyes, you probably would be considered the homewrecker who destroyed any hope their parents had to get back together. Think: is this the image you would want them to have if you were to become their stepmom?

]]> By: notreally looking http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-7762 notreally looking Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:25:55 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-7762 Gemstone7476, I reread your posts and my advice to YOU is RUUUUNNN!!!!! Are you still unemployed or have you gotten a job since your last post. My first husband had all of the above "symptoms" that you're describing and nobody could tell me any different because. . .I LOVED HIM. I don't know how old you are but I was 18 at that time and am now 42 and look back at those times and cringe and wonder what I was thinking. Luckily, I didn't have any kids to him. He is not going to divorce his wife and as long as he can string you along, for whatever thrill putting you through all of this torture and mental abuse, he will continue and it will get worse. Don't think that this is the only man for you. You seem very level headed w/common sense. Listen to your heart (no matter how corny that sounds). People are supposed to love each other without any expectations of what the other can do for the other. "Expectancy" however has no concrete rules, only that which does not judge on rules but the joy of the relationship. I feel compelled to tell you that this type of behaviour is very much a controller and if he isn't in control of you he does not get what he wants and all h*ll breaks loose. This type of personality is very social in public and people wonder, "Why is she complaining? He's so nice." blah blah I also have to say that someone 18 years older than you is not of the same mindset. He's already "punishing" you like you are one of his children. I guess I went on pretty long here but I hate to see you suffering when you can have a better and more fullfilling relationship. Respect and being loved far outweighs fleating spurts of fun to look back on and wonder where that person went. By the way, where did your posting name come from? Sincerely, Ann Gemstone7476,
I reread your posts and my advice to YOU is RUUUUNNN!!!!! Are you still unemployed or have you gotten a job since your last post. My first husband had all of the above “symptoms” that you’re describing and nobody could tell me any different because. . .I LOVED HIM. I don’t know how old you are but I was 18 at that time and am now 42 and look back at those times and cringe and wonder what I was thinking. Luckily, I didn’t have any kids to him.
He is not going to divorce his wife and as long as he can string you along, for whatever thrill putting you through all of this torture and mental abuse, he will continue and it will get worse.
Don’t think that this is the only man for you. You seem very level headed w/common sense. Listen to your heart (no matter how corny that sounds). People are supposed to love each other without any expectations of what the other can do for the other. “Expectancy” however has no concrete rules, only that which does not judge on rules but the joy of the relationship.
I feel compelled to tell you that this type of behaviour is very much a controller and if he isn’t in control of you he does not get what he wants and all h*ll breaks loose. This type of personality is very social in public and people wonder, “Why is she complaining? He’s so nice.” blah blah
I also have to say that someone 18 years older than you is not of the same mindset. He’s already “punishing” you like you are one of his children. I guess I went on pretty long here but I hate to see you suffering when you can have a better and more fullfilling relationship.
Respect and being loved far outweighs fleating spurts of fun to look back on and wonder where that person went. By the way, where did your posting name come from? Sincerely, Ann

]]> By: notreally looking http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-7632 notreally looking Sun, 07 Dec 2008 13:34:00 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-7632 So far I've been looking for a site that can answer my question and MAYBE this is the one. My boyfriend and I were each married when we got together. We work together too. We are very serious (and cautious) because we've been together for almost 15 years. Last year I finally got divorced and now he feels threatened that I'm going to find someone else. He isn't ready to get divorced yet because of his kids. I also have a son. If I stay with him how do I handle it and also if I break it off how do I deal with him at work? We work very closely in what our jobs are. Also, neither one of us is leaving this company so that isn't even an issue. Bottom line-how long do I wait and also how do I fend off other's advances since they know I'm divorced but they don't know about him?? So far I’ve been looking for a site that can answer my question and MAYBE this is the one.

My boyfriend and I were each married when we got together. We work together too. We are very serious (and cautious) because we’ve been together for almost 15 years.
Last year I finally got divorced and now he feels threatened that I’m going to find someone else. He isn’t ready to get divorced yet because of his kids. I also have a son.
If I stay with him how do I handle it and also if I break it off how do I deal with him at work? We work very closely in what our jobs are. Also, neither one of us is leaving this company so that isn’t even an issue.
Bottom line-how long do I wait and also how do I fend off other’s advances since they know I’m divorced but they don’t know about him??

]]> By: gemstone7476 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-7468 gemstone7476 Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:08:50 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-7468 and some more on this topic, me living with this man i do everything in the house and take care of the dogs one being a puppy that HE wanted but i got somehow stuck raising it. (my dog is 4 years old) I do all the things a wife would be doing for him and then some, but without the actual commitment of being married to him or getting any of the benefits. and because i wasnt working he expects me to "DO MY PART" because he is providing a place for me to live, "wow" .I moved in with him because the company i worked for closed and i couldn't find work fast enough to pay my bills and rent for my old place. so anyone have any advice for me? man or woman . or both. please let me know something..... and some more on this topic, me living with this man i do everything in the house and take care of the dogs one being a puppy that HE wanted but i got somehow stuck raising it. (my dog is 4 years old) I do all the things a wife would be doing for him and then some, but without the actual commitment of being married to him or getting any of the benefits.
and because i wasnt working he expects me to “DO MY PART” because he is providing a place for me to live, “wow” .I moved in with him because the company i worked for closed and i couldn’t find work fast enough to pay my bills and rent for my old place.
so anyone have any advice for me? man or woman . or both.
please let me know something…..

]]> By: gemstone7476 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-7467 gemstone7476 Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:58:53 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-7467 Hello all , I found this site and began reading it.I met a man two years ago now, that is still not divorced, he told me that he got an obeyance on the divorced because they thought she had breast cancer (huh?) anyways i dated him a few times, then left him about three times during that year. we then got back together 8 mths. later and have been together for a year now, and i ended up moving in with him. we have lived together for 4 mths now. anyways he is still not divorced. i keep asking him why not and he tells me he doesnt really have a real answer as to why. he says its because of the market being so low for the selling of the house and the all the money he will lose in the division of everything. he makes me feel bad by doing things like not wearing the rings we got in AZ together, and when i ask him why he keeps taking it off he tells me he doesnt want to UPSET his daughters. (hummm its a dam ring). he doesnt seem excited about the holidays with me. and he tell me that he just doesnt like the holidays much. we fight alot because of things on his end (marriage) and he is very suspicious of everything i do always thinking im cheating on him( the woman he dated before me cheated on him ). he has gone as far as going thru my computer while i was sleeping he accessed my password and went thru all my stuff in my laptop and we had only been dating 4 mths at that time, he found some chats i had had with a male friend of mine that i had known for 4 years, freindly playful banter was all and he copied it and emailed to himself to hold over my head and then punished me for it by not taking me to hawiia with him. , my phone, went thru my text msgs in my phone and my call list , my credit report, told me he needed my social to do an auto quote for me, he ended up using it to get my credit report, and pull m y divorce records geez! all without my permission.! but yet keeps things from me and will go apeshit if i go thru his phone or computer. i'm not allowed to go to his office during the day because one of his daughters works there for him (he owns his own agency for insurance), his wife has come to our house unexpectedly and has knocked and knocked on our door, and he just tell me to go to the back room and be quiet. im like why are we hiding in our home from her! they know about me , and apparently they know we live together. his parents really like me alot and so do his friends. and he has told me that he does want to marry me. but so much doesnt make sense to me. and he makes sure that they have whatever they need and want and i have to fend for myself. i love him, but i wonder if im doing the right thing. waiting for him. i have no kids and he is older then me by 18 years. i tell him that its not fair that he be so darn suspicious of me when he is the one that is STILL married. what should i do ........... hurt and confused Hello all ,
I found this site and began reading it.I met a man two years ago now, that is still not divorced, he told me that he got an obeyance on the divorced because they thought she had breast cancer (huh?) anyways i dated him a few times, then left him about three times during that year.
we then got back together 8 mths. later and have been together for a year now, and i ended up moving in with him. we have lived together for 4 mths now. anyways he is still not divorced. i keep asking him why not and he tells me he doesnt really have a real answer as to why. he says its because of the market being so low for the selling of the house and the all the money he will lose in the division of everything.
he makes me feel bad by doing things like not wearing the rings we got in AZ together, and when i ask him why he keeps taking it off he tells me he doesnt want to UPSET his daughters. (hummm its a dam ring). he doesnt seem excited about the holidays with me. and he tell me that he just doesnt like the holidays much. we fight alot because of things on his end (marriage) and he is very suspicious of everything i do always thinking im cheating on him( the woman he dated before me cheated on him ). he has gone as far as going thru my computer while i was sleeping he accessed my password and went thru all my stuff in my laptop and we had only been dating 4 mths at that time, he found some chats i had had with a male friend of mine that i had known for 4 years, freindly playful banter was all and he copied it and emailed to himself to hold over my head and then punished me for it by not taking me to hawiia with him. , my phone, went thru my text msgs in my phone and my call list , my credit report, told me he needed my social to do an auto quote for me, he ended up using it to get my credit report, and pull m y divorce records geez! all without my permission.! but yet keeps things from me and will go apeshit if i go thru his phone or computer. i’m not allowed to go to his office during the day because one of his daughters works there for him (he owns his own agency for insurance), his wife has come to our house unexpectedly and has knocked and knocked on our door, and he just tell me to go to the back room and be quiet. im like why are we hiding in our home from her! they know about me , and apparently they know we live together. his parents really like me alot and so do his friends. and he has told me that he does want to marry me. but so much doesnt make sense to me. and he makes sure that they have whatever they need and want and i have to fend for myself. i love him, but i wonder if im doing the right thing. waiting for him. i have no kids and he is older then me by 18 years. i tell him that its not fair that he be so darn suspicious of me when he is the one that is STILL married.
what should i do ………..
hurt and confused

]]> By: Fox http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-6572 Fox Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:14:22 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-6572 me and my wife have been separated for 5 years.. and not divorced.(its bcuz theres no such thing as divorce to where i am from). by then alot of things have happened. and heres the thing i want to ask. it seems me and my wife might get back together but im torn apart. she has a child from someone else but left her. in order for us to be together should i just accept the fact that it happened and just be a good person and just you know take care of her my child and the other child she has from another man (the new child is 2 years old)... me and my wife have been separated for 5 years.. and not divorced.(its bcuz theres no such thing as divorce to where i am from). by then alot of things have happened. and heres the thing i want to ask. it seems me and my wife might get back together but im torn apart. she has a child from someone else but left her. in order for us to be together should i just accept the fact that it happened and just be a good person and just you know take care of her my child and the other child she has from another man (the new child is 2 years old)…

]]> By: jenny http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-4228 jenny Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:59:49 +0000 http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2007/12/19/should-you-date-a-man-whos-not-divorced-yet/#comment-4228 My husband and I are not divorced. We have been separated two years. I work as a bartender and a lab tech. Two part time jobs, one as a bartender. I have no way to prove my income in many financial situations. However, as long as my name is linked to my husband's even if we have separate accounts, I can get a loan, buy a home, things like that. We live a few blocks away, have the same mutual friends...he is in a longterm relationship with a nice girl I consider to be almost a friend. When the kids are older and I can work fulltime, we will finalize the divorce. Right now, financially it does not make sense for us. We have both had trouble with people who did not want to continue dating us unless we pushed that paperwork through. To them, I have to say hasta la vista. You could not pay me to ever ever get back together with my ex, however, it does not pay for us to finalize our separation with a divorce. My husband and I are not divorced. We have been separated two years.
I work as a bartender and a lab tech. Two part time jobs, one as a bartender. I have no way to prove my income in many financial situations. However, as long as my name is linked to my husband’s even if we have separate accounts, I can get a loan, buy a home, things like that. We live a few blocks away, have the same mutual friends…he is in a longterm relationship with a nice girl I consider to be almost a friend. When the kids are older and I can work fulltime, we will finalize the divorce. Right now, financially it does not make sense for us.
We have both had trouble with people who did not want to continue dating us unless we pushed that paperwork through. To them, I have to say hasta la vista.
You could not pay me to ever ever get back together with my ex, however, it does not pay for us to finalize our separation with a divorce.

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