I did.

He was living w/his parents; his wife filed for divorce almost 3 months before I met him, they have 3 kids. Their divorce lasted almost 3 years, then we got engaged. There was still ongoing “stuff” and I wouldn’t marry until it was done. 3 years later I become pregnant and he can’t put me/the baby first (we lived 5 hours away from his ex & kids). So now my DD is 22 months and has never seen her sperm donor!

I was his “rebound girl”. When I pressed for a committed relationship (him putting his ex behind him), things went south. Hindsight is worth MILLIONS!!!!!!

Before leaving this comment, I must first write a disclaimer that my commenting and leaving tidbits of dating wisdom is akin to asking an alligator for a ride across a river.

That being said:

I’m not convinced that the marriage factor is as big of a factor as the anger and resentment. Marriages take forever to unravel; sometimes, I honestly believe, they are just paperwork waiting to be signed in a court.

However, I’ve met and gone out on dates with men that even years after divorcing cannot let go of the bitterness they harbor, and that has meant more to me than a fading spot on a wedding ring finger. If they are not capable of the growth and forgiveness that I believe should follow divorce, they certainly then were not worthy of me.

Before dating HRH (His Royal Hotness. I know, you must now catch your breath from laughing at my wittiness) I met a man who spent so much time trying to convince me that he was over his ex that I actually suggested to him he seek counseling.

You must take this comment with a grain of salt and the knowledge that I’m not a balck and white person; I see the colors in between, and almost always, those colors are in strong hues of gray.

It is WRONG to date a man who is married or still married. It doesn’t matter how “close” the divorce is, or how “over” his ex he claims to be. The bottom line is that he’s still someone’s husband, if only legally, and if there are children involved, then you’re even more wrong. True enough some men are still bitter, hurting, resentful, what have you after the divorce is final, but at least they are FREE. No one can accuse you of being a homewrecker, or have claims on him in the legal sense besides what’s already been worked on and hopefully worked out. Those things make a lot of difference.

I dated a guy that was going through a divorce. It ended up being months of listening to their fighting and issues only with heartbreak for me to follow. Never again will I do that. It’s SO true that people need some time to settle after the divorce is over. Right now I am a completely different person than I was when divorcing (three years ago). Now I have it all together and my ducks are in a row. Back then I was all about getting out and having fun.

While I don’t think dating a man while he is divorcing will wreck his home (the papers have been filed), I do think that it’s wrong for the single lady because she’ll end up being the rebound.

I think like Jenn was saying this has many shades of grey here, and it can really depend on the circumstances. We’d all want to be as definitive as LM about the topic, but it really can take some hard knocks when faced with a strong dose of reality.

In reality, some divorces can take years. Get some wealthy clients and/or good or concerned lawyers and some complicated issues of property or custody, and it can easily be a 5 year process all told. So what a ‘hard and fast rule’ would allow, perhaps no dating for Mr. Lucky for almost a decade.

There’s the ‘lead in troubled period’ when he’s just looking for some one to provide some comfort, but he really needs therapy to see if he/they can work it out . There’s the actual ‘troubled period’ when he’s a wreck, and generally no good to anyone. That might last several years of extended legal proceedings. Then there’s the ‘aftermath’ period of adjustment where he has to come to some forgiveness, and sublimate the hurt & the resentments into his tennis/squash/golf game.

Yep. It’s wrong. And always more drama than needed. It’s going to lead to heartbreak, naturally. There, that’s simple, right? I agree with Jenn, some marriages really have been failing for years, and just acknowledging ‘the bridge is gone’ can lead to months of wrangling over all the repressed & hidden faults and issues that had been neglected for years.

And then when the ink is dry on the magic paper of dissolution are they ever truly Free? Umm… No. They’ve still got their kids and an automatic bond to a prior life that can’t be washed or wished away. It takes a tall order to try and heal all that quickly or efficiently.

So it’s a tricky and dangerous track, always fraught with hazards. I knew one old gent who was as married to his 1st wife as his 3rd, and she had died some decades prior. The last wife had to come to accept that to some degree and reach some accommodation with it. (She was the rebound from his 2nd wife, but 1st divorce). There are people who remain angry and hurt about matters of the heart decades after they occurred. Some seemingly operate quite well in the everyday world despite this fact.

So yes, you can live your life perfectly well so as to never have the occasion for anyone to accuse you of much of anything. Sometimes in spite of all this you’re still entangled in romantic troubles. Sometimes it can work out well too. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

KB,
I just want to point out that while papers may be filed, they may also be rescinded (very easily). My husband and I filed once before this time around, and while he may or may not have been seeing someone at that time, legally I was still his wife! (And that fact was convenient for both of us at the time, for different reasons.)

It’s just neater and better for everyone involved to allow some time and some space.

I have dated not divorced yet men, and it has always been a heartache! Often it is that they just arent ready. I invested too much in the relationship only in the end that things were just not right.

On the other hand, I also, dated while not divorced yet. However mine was a different story, I could not get my ex served with divorce papers because he was dodging service, and since he was abusive I was advised by my attorney not to go near him to serve him myself. I spent 2 years trying to get a divorce, so I think that after a year, I would have been “safe” to date. Though I dated within that first year, I got my heart broke because I became so reliable on myu new boyfriend for emotional support that I needed. Which chased him away in the end(not that I blame him…and not to mention that he ended up being a victim of a crime at the hands of my ex). Dating during a divorce, isnt a good idea at all, unless there is a substantial time between leaving and there is a problem getting the divorce(as in my situation..not being able to serve him). JMHO

What if health issues keep a person from filing a divorce? I know a man whose “wife” is quite sick, unable to work and is completely dependent on his health insurance. It’s almost a life and death thing—and they share a child. What about situations like that? Is that still a no-no?

Of course it’s a personal choice, and people should do what’s right for them. For me, it’s a moral choice not to date a married man. In the situation you describe, Amy, who really knows if that’s the only reason the man hasn’t divorced? And what about the child? I know I would be rather upset if my mom was sick and my dad was dating someone while they were still husband and wife. And as a woman with a strong conscience, I would not participate in that scenario. Again, it’s a personal choice, but I just would not do it.

Betsy: here’s to hindsight, I bet we can all say that.

Jenn: Thank goodness, life isn’t black and white. You write about the gray so well.

VJ: Thanks for pointing out that even after the papers are signed, that doesn’t sign away the emotions. Good point.

Lexi’s Mom: Amen to time and space. It can be challenging to be alone sometimes, and yet…

Dawn: Thanks for pointing out that sometimes, the issues are quite thorny. I hope he finally got served!

Amy: Great point. What do you do if your marriage is completely dependent on health or legal issues… like health insurance or a green card? What do you say, mamas?

Don’t you hate when you’re typing at the same time as someone else and their response shows up before yours, when chronologically it would make sense the other way? (Is there anything that can be done about that?)

In any event, I don’t think we should discuss green cards under this topic. Marrying someone for papers, while widley practiced in the U.S., defies the sanctity of marriage and can present a whole different set of problems!

I guess I’m should take a seat in a big naughty chair. Because 1. I married my ex because he needed a green card. We were crazy in love and had to make a choice. He goes back to his country and we never see each other again, or we get married. We really thought it was going to be forever and we got married. Go figure. It didn’t work out. But now we have Benjamin. 2. I left him but had to wait six months to before filing for divorce in my new county (lawyers were cheaper there. 3. I dated before the paperwork was final. I knew I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but ended up hurting someone in the process.

I completely agree with the comment that the measure is not the paperwork but how they’ve dealt with the divorce - are they over it? Most likely not - but there are exceptions. The really risky part is that recently divorced men and women tend to think they’re ready and trick themselves into thinking so - denying their real feelings and chances are you’ll get hurt in the process.

Rachel - give that guy time and look him up in a year - maybe he’ll be ready!

Sorry about all of those typos in my last comment…I think I wrote that in the wee hours of the morning! Just a bit embarassed but us single moms are allowed to be a bit frazzled - right?

I have read and reread all the comments on this page. I myself am going thru the dating before the divorce is final, actually its happened a couple of times. Not very many completely divorced guys out there. Currently the one Ive been hanging out with(the new term) is in the military, and his soon to be cheated on him when he was deployed. She was suppose to file the papers because of his situation of constant movements. First it was suppose to be done in Nov, now it wont be done till April. Im afraid Im the rebound girl, as he talks to other girls online but Im the only one who has been to his house and we spend most of our weekends together. He has told me he wont be ready to start any time of a relationship for about a year because of financial issues and he wants to do some counseling before starting a long term relationship. Should I walk away now? Most of my friends think so, my counselor told me to treat him as afriend, but we are intimate, so thats hard to do.

As a not-yet-divorced man, can I just ask: are all these women somehow balnk sheets of paper, single with no ties or previous relationships? I don’t think so, and I don’t think they’d be very interesting if they were. I’m dating; it’s fun, and can be very mutually supportive as long as you’re open and honest about your situation and expectations. Getting divorced is bad enough without having to become a hermit too!

Ok, I think I might be crazy for getting involved with a “not yet divorced” man. Let me know what you think. He met his wife in Oct while on leave from the military, married her in Dec. In April he realized she wasn’t the person he thought she was. He sent her back to her home state (half way across the US) in April. He asked for an annulment since he was already married and divorced once before with a child from the 1st marriage)(they live on the west coast whereas we live on the east coast). So, the 2nd “insta-wife” refused to sign the annulment papers and now wants a divorce from him. He has no emotional feelings for her and has jumped in head first into a relationship with me. He’s working on trying for a quickie divorce. I’m sure that doesn’t exist, but anyway, am I crazy? I’ve never been married nor do I have any children. I know it’s only been 3 weeks into our relationship, so of course, it’s amazing. I feel like he might be the one, but is that only because my last relationship lasted 11 yrs and my biological clock is ticking? Please offer some advise.

DRW, here’s my advice: run!

You do not want a guy who marries women and then decides he doesn’t like them anymore. Is that what you want to happen to you?

If your clock’s ticking, at least find a man who hasn’t ever had an “insta-wife”. There are lots of those to choose from, actually.

Yeah, I dated while “in the process but not yet divorced”. My divorce took 2.5 years to finalize from the time I filed, and I started dating after it was a year in process.

I wanted to “test the waters” and I missed being with a man. Also I felt like I was ready, and that it would be good for me to get back into having more of a social life.

I don’t think dating while divorcing is necessarily a bad thing—I think it depends on the situation.

My experience was that I was very upfront about my situation with the men I dated, and I also told them straight out that I was *not* looking to get married again anytime soon, if ever.

But even so I ended up dating 2 men seriously and longish-term during that period (one relationship was for 4 months, one was for a year).
These relationships ended for other reasons, not because I was shy of getting into a serious relationship. They would not have worked out longer, no matter where I was in my life.

But I admit to being guilty of a double standard—because I would probably not date an “in process” or newly-divorced man. Because all the ones I’ve ever been acquainted with seem to go through a temporary crazy period: either they sink into a bitter, self-hating depression, or they energetically date a series of 20 year younger strippers. Wait for them to settle down, I say.

The divorce process takes a long time. When my wife and I decided to head down the path of divorce, it still took us 10 months before we actually separated. By the time I had my own place, I was stir crazy - I’d gone a year without sex or a woman being intimate or even nice to me. So I started dating immediately, once I had my own place. The divorce wasn’t finalized until a year later. And in that time, about 8 months into my divorce, I met a wonderful woman who I had a year-and-a-half relationship with.

So, I think it’s gray. But if the divorcing spouses are still living together, don’t date them! Let them work out their own shit first.

Been there, done that on both sides.

I was divorced about 7 years ago. My ex told me he wanted out but as soon as the separation was official he started finding excuses to contact me or show up somewhere he knew I’d be. I wasn’t having it so I took a job and moved away (which I’d wanted to do for a long time anyway). I did date during the almost 2 years it took for the divorce to come through. I think not having to deal with the constant reminders, shared friends, and possibility of running into him at the Starbucks helped me put it behind me and get on with my life while waiting for the piece of paper.

On the other side, I met my recent ex shortly after he’d separated. He adored me and made me feel like the world revolved around me. I didn’t let myself consider whether it was me he adored or was it being free of what he thought was an oppressive marriage. No sooner was the ink dry on the papers he began to draw away from me more and more every day until I was so frustrated I gave up. By that point, yup you guessed it he had someone else waiting in the wings.

I’m not saying all divorcees and situations are like this, I clearly make bad choices in men LOL! But I do think men have a much harder time being on their own that we do and that can lead to more deception. I joke with my friends that when separating the man’s wedding band should be replaced with a warning label.

I don’t agree that you shouldn’t date a divorced man or date yourself if you are in the process of divorce. I don’t think it’s immoral. Just know what you are in for and be realistic about things.

But remember that part of the reason that divorces take so long these days is the lawyers and courts that drag the process out. If we made marriage as hard to get IN to as it is to get OUT of maybe we’d have fewer divorces overall.

I dated a separated girl for just over a year. Things were great until 1 day, completely out of the blue she felt the compelling need to ask her separated spouse “How do you feel about me?”. From my vantage point this question was a clear cut cry for reconciliation, and it bothered me immensely. Even though the separated husband never did state he wanted her back, I felt betrayed, and I certainly felt like this person I’m spending time, falling in love with, is playing games with me. The erosion of confidence that I experienced made the normal little bumps one feels in a relationship much more difficult. About 6 weeks after “the question”, my girlfriend and I are on vacation and we are alone late at night in this beautiful place, and she’s going on & on about her poor separated husband. Even tells me that she still loves him. I say “how can you love two people at the same time ?” After vacation ( about 2 days later ), the little bullshit things keep coming up. I finally say to her, it’s time to address the real issue, and for me that is the fact that you are still married. I told her straight up that I’m not going to see her anymore until she is divorced. End of story & whether we get back together or not is totally up to her.

My husband and I are not divorced. We have been separated two years.
I work as a bartender and a lab tech. Two part time jobs, one as a bartender. I have no way to prove my income in many financial situations. However, as long as my name is linked to my husband’s even if we have separate accounts, I can get a loan, buy a home, things like that. We live a few blocks away, have the same mutual friends…he is in a longterm relationship with a nice girl I consider to be almost a friend. When the kids are older and I can work fulltime, we will finalize the divorce. Right now, financially it does not make sense for us.
We have both had trouble with people who did not want to continue dating us unless we pushed that paperwork through. To them, I have to say hasta la vista.
You could not pay me to ever ever get back together with my ex, however, it does not pay for us to finalize our separation with a divorce.