I realized there was no fighting how I felt and went with my heart not my head. And strangely enough that was a hard thing to do.

I blogged ya too:
http://contestaddict.blogspot.com

I think I’m still working on closure, even after almost 8 years. it seems to be something that comes and goes. Or maybe it’s forgiveness, of myself for the choices I have made. I would say that I have stopped taking responsibilites for his choices. He had the drinking and drug problem, not me……..He had the internet girlfiriend, not me…….He chose to move far away and not stay in contact with his daughter, not me. it never ends. I’m only here to choose well for my daughter and myself.

At any rate, the sadness does fade over time and we keep going. At first it’s just survival to get through the day and later it gets easier. I’m now back in college to finish my degree and doing things that i have always wanted, and we keep on going.

That sounds like an interesting book to read. I also enjoyed reading your book Rachel.
Peace and Happy Holidays to everyone!

I’m not sure exactly how I found closure, but I remember feeling a grand failure about my marriage not working and needing to forgive myself for it. And it wasn’t just that the marriage failed, which was obvious, but much more “Susan, why didn’t you heed the signals, the little warning signs dotting your 12 year relationship? Why didn’t you know better and trust yourself?” Forgiving myself and cutting myself some slack was very hard. I also started looking around and seeing that my situation wasn’t bad compared to many others and started to gain some perspective — you do survive. Back to closure, I think I was forced to accept my reality, for better or for worse, and one day I realized all my expectations hadn’t really helped me at all and that I’d never get closure on a lot of things. I gradually came to the conclusion that there were certain things I could control and things I couldn’t. I’d like to think I’m smarter now by focusing on what is within my control and forgetting about everything - and everyone - else.

Closure came for me in a phone call. I’d been divorced 7 years at the time and was working on being friends with the x, for my daughters sake. I had to take an international business trip and when I came back I wanted to see my daughter. As soon as my feet were back on American soil I called to see if I could see my daughter. Such an odd feeling (try running into him with her, in a grocery store and having to ask for permission to kiss your kid….) to ask permission to see my own child, but it was his custodial time. He agreed. I stopped by and spent time with her, just in the drive way because I was exhausted and needed to get home for some sleep.

The next day he called to ask if we could have another baby. I said NO, we were no longer married. He asked if he could do my laundry for me. Again I said no, without saying “you’re not getting that close to my panties”, so he asked if we could go for a bike ride. NO.

That was the last non kid related conversation I’ve had with the x. In that conversation I realized how truly pathetic the games we were playing really were. I needed to go from trying to be his friend to being his x wife (another strange concept) and have a business relationship with him.

My life is so much better. I have no idea how his life is.

I was married to a verbally and mentally abusive man who was the stereotypical ladies man of an airline pilot. He used to like to humiliate me in public and when we traveled on one of the planes of his airline, he made me and our daughter use aliases so none of the flight crew would know we were with him. Basically, I had no self-respect and he could bring me to tears with just a look. I finally got up the nerve to file for divorce and that made him very angry and at that point he hit me for the first time. That was the turning point for me. I knew I had to grow up and get away from him so I did. I closed the door on that part of my life and started a new one and I would never be that weak and quivering, pathetic victim ever again. Now I am married to a real man, who treats me with respect and tenderness.

You mamas are so strong and smart — I hope you know that!

Angela and Butterfly Mom: good for both of you on getting your degrees!

Susan: Amen on forgiving yourself. Thanks for that.

Dee: Well said on Boundaries. It’s ironic that we need to make rules with our exes… but we do!

I was surprised to see the book on your blog. I have been reading it for the past month (I read several books at a time). I did not realize it was based on the author’s life. It is on the bestseller shelf here at work if I win a copy I will give it to my friend.

I think butterfly mom put it so well when she wrote that she thinks she is still working on closure and forgiving yourself for past choices. I am and will continue to work on closure, yes I was not responsible for his drug/alcohol problem either. His coming in and out of my life like I am disposible. Having to trust him with my son during his weekends.

I can say that this last time he walked out of my life again the pain was not as heavy. When relief is replaced by sadness and pain then its a big sign! I need to stop making the same mistakes. Me too I will someday finish my masters.

talk later

Hmmm. I don’t think I will ever Really have closure and I’m remarried (wich should disqualify me from winning the book and that’s A-Okay). Seriously, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it all even though I’m past my single mom journey and now with Mr. Wonderful. The guilt of my daughter living with divorced parents will always dredge up the guilt for me - every day. And that makes me human. I accept that as a side affect of being divorced. It’s just how it is for me.

Sara,
Did you mean when pain and sadness are replaced by relief? (as opposed to vice-versa?) If so, then I can totally relate!
Lexi’s Mom

I absolutely LOVE the locked room analogy. If I had thought of my situation this way, I probably would have healed a lot quicker!

My husband walked out on me and our newborn child in 2004 and while he finally “fessed up” and explained why six months later, I was never quite told and never quite understood why he subsequently poured his heart out about regretting leaving and returned home, only to leave (four more times.) I finally realized that this roller coaster, on one day off the next relationship was never going to improve. After I could do no more crying, no more feeling sorry for myself and our daughter, and no more feeling hurt, alone, and angry, I finally said no more. I finally accepted the fact that I would not have the “perfect” home life that I had envisioned when we first got married, and I finally accepted the fact that I would indeed be a single mom. (I had been dreading this thought and fighting with everything I had, because I thought that if I fought hard enough and waited long enough, he would miraculously come to his senses.)

Even though he’s again the one who left the last time (on our daughter’s second birthday!), I eventually made the decision to walk away, for good. I had been waiting for so long for my happy ending. But I finally conceded. He tried to come home one last time, this past June. I refused. (Huge step for me; I had never done this before.) Once I did this, I had my closure. And it doesn’t matter if I ever get the explanation that I had been waiting so long for, and the assurance that he would come home one last time and remain home, for good. It’s no longer what I want.

So my official entry is, “Keep a knockin’ but you can’t come in!!” (Little Richard)

I got closure by focusing on my own life and my kids - it just happened. I think you go from loving to hating to indifference. When indifference hits, you’ve got closure. For me, it did not take long. I know remarried people who don’t have closure w/ their first spouse - I think it’s hard for some people to do it.

Lexi’s mom………you rock!! your happy ending is being happy………not having to walk on egg shells. I spent years living that way. It’s hard to give up that idea of the “perfect family” and be alone but it’s way better than being in that dysfunctional realtionship. something awesome is around the next corner!!

here’s to a fresh new year ladies.

Butterfly Mom,
Thank you so much for the compliment. I just read Kvetch’s response and her closure sounded so easy compared to mine! But I know you can’t compare your situation to anyone else’s because while we all seem to have things in common, of course’s everyone’s is different. So for dealing with bipolarism and drug addiction (from my high school sweetheart nonetheless), I do think I’m doing quite well. Some days are better than others, of course, but I’m finally at peace with being almost a divorcee. And as Kvetch says, I definitely went from hating to indifference. Sadly, he’s not concerned with our daughter’s well being, so I’m not concerned with him.

On to bigger and better things, for all of us!
Lexi’s Mom

Lexi’s mom…………………..hang in there, it does get easier. I doubt it’s easy for anyone when our kids are involved. I have a Lexie of my own and she’s doing great with my love and stability and we have the best relationship I could hope for entering into the teenage years. anything worth while doesn’t come easy!

Closure? What a concept! Closure comes:

Sometimes locked behind steel bars, grimacing out towards the world it despises.

Always at a great distance, emotionally, physically & psychically.

Sometimes it comes only with death, as the last act of grace releasing several inmates from torment & pain.

Most times it’s an act in progress. With the pervasive fear of the return of the monster, the return of the half hearted lover, the misanthropic menace, the child hater,
the shameless nameless mendacity that still lurks about in your town, always in mind.

The unanswered questions that remain on the lips for years. Why? Why then? What happened? The train wreck you were in that destroyed nearly everything, but that you still can’t quite recall accurately enough to retell with any real satisfaction until years later.

Closure comes with forgetting the pain. Ignoring it, and filling the emptiness with renewed Joy, friendships and new troubles to push out the old.

It remains ever with us until it is over written in our memories. And then we still have the ghosts to contend with.

To live on within.

Cheers, ‘VJ’

Closure - I’ve been trying to wrangle in that elusive beast for over two years now. BUt looking back I can see that it has been happening in increments. A couple of steps up and then a plateau - then something pushes me up again and I take a couple more steps. I was on a plateau recently until my exhusband who I’ve tried to keep a friendly relationship with (oh - who am I kidding? I still wanted to fix the marriage even in the months after the divorce - not to mention the fact that I still thought I loved him) did not call or visit our nearly three year old at all for a month. WHen he did come over to see her - I handed him one of her preschool pictures and he handed it back and said he didn’t want it. You know - I would never get seriously involved with a man who didn’t love my daughter - so why in the heck would I put up with that behavior from the one person other than me who should love her the most. That was a painful - but “ahah…” moment for me. And while I’m not sure that closure has happened - I am on my way.

I found closure by throwing myself into my new life. I made lots of plans with the little one, for one thing. And I decided I really needed some girlfriends, so I joined Parents Without Partners and met some other great single moms that way. Keeping busy with lots of fun activities helps, and the next thing you know you’re loving being single and you’ve all but forgotten what’s his name.

Can I just comment that you ladies are such strong cookies! It makes me feel proud to sit among you (so to speak). I left my marriage because my husband was very selfish and basically wanted to keep living the single kind of life that suited his needs even after we had a family and knowing that I was unhappy. (It was my problem, after all.)

But I read all of your comments and realize that I had a walk in the park compared to those dealing with much tougher circumstances — abandonment, drug abuse, alcoholism (which I know all about through family situations), indifferent parenting, etc. I know there is no contest here, and that we all ended up in the same place as single moms, but I just want you to know that I admire your courage and I’m impressed by your words of wisdom, obvious devotion to your children and making your “new” family and “improved one” and still keeping a sense of humor through it all. Sorry if this sounds hokey, but I wanted to share that as one single mom to another — for what it’s worth. Closure may not come easily (or at all in exactly the way we want), but I’m confident everyone here is going to continue doing great.

I always thought I never had closure because my son’s father was just gone one day, that I needed to see him and talk to him to get closure. But, when I finallly did see and talk to him 3 1/2 years later I realized that it is nothing that he can say or do that will determine closure. I have to do it myself. I am still struggling with that. He has been gone for 4 1/2 years now and sometimes I am content with the way things are, but other times I just wish I could close that door and move on and start a new and different life, but only I can make that decision.

[...] following my Q and A with single mom author Emily Listfield, I asked you to share how you’ve found closure. Mae picked the winner out of [...]