None of the above. I will stray a bit, though, because my last (and definitely my last!) date was a blind date rather than someone I met online. I only agreed to go because an ex-colleague set us up because she just knew that we were “perfect for each other.” I STILL envision wrapping my hands around her neck! She thought that because we were currently both alone and both invested in the stock market, that we had something in common. Hello, A LOT of people are alone and invest, but does that mean they are suited for each other? I think not. Specifics:

1) He was short (which I HATE in a man, because I’m short!)
2) He couldn’t spell or write very well, which is an instant turn off for me since I’m an editor. I may occasionally have a typo online (especially because I told Rachel I have trouble proofing in the black box), but he was just awful. I cringed every time I got an e-mail from him. And when he told me about his job, which was tech-oriented and made decent money, he also said that he was seeking a change and would be willing to consider a “unilateral move.” Yikes.
3) On our first date he came up to me, caught me off guard, and wrapped his arms around me, which is a definite no-no from a stranger
4) He sang (very off-key) in the car to virtually every song that came on the radio, whether he knew the words or not, and when I politely asked him to stop, he sang louder
5) He invited me over to his place one afternoon, seemingly innocent, but unbeknownst to me he had told all of his neighbors and close friends about me so that the door bell rang constantly with people wanting to meet me!
6) He tried to invite himself to my family’s holiday outing less than one month into knowing me, wrongly assuming that he was EVER going to meet my family! (Much less so soon into the relationship that just wasn’t going to be)
7) He “snorted” constantly The one time I had him at my place, he went into the bathroom and removed his sweater, coming out in an undershirt, to reveal his gut hanging over the waistband of his pants. Sorry, but this one was too much. When I asked him what he thought he was doing, he claimed to be “hot.” I offered to turn the heat down (or off), then asked him to put his sweater back on, and I hinted that I was tired. I truly think he was attempting to turn me on (although I can’t see how), and at that point, I knew that I couldn’t continue to try with him any longer. He truly repulsed me!

After this, I would be happy to meet “The Just Your Average Steve.”

Lexi’s Mom - thank you so much for this post. You have no idea what plenty of laughs (and rolling tears) this has brought to me this morning.

Snorted? Gut hanging? (more guffaws)

Lexi’s Mom: you had me roaring, too! Oh my, oh my. Your last line had me on the floor. You’re good. I’m so honored to know you!!

Thanks, ladies. Even though as I mentioned it was a blind date rather than an online match, I knew I had to share! The one good thing I could say about “Allan” was that he was actually decent looking, despite all of the above (and a few other faux pas that I didn’t want to take up too much space with). I’m sure that somewhere out there, there’s the right woman for him. It’s just definitely not me. It’s memories like these (and my dreadful marriage) that make remaining single oh so appealing.

Hopefully others will share their tales; I could use a few laughs myself.

Under the still grieving or just plain nuts category, I dated (once) a man recently who started crying about his previous relationship and how his kids were angry at him. We were in one those restaurants in Manhattan where you sit very close to the other patrons so it was a misery show not just for me, but for the several others couples in ear shot. I sat there and said nothing thinking that his tears were likely far fewer than those he had caused his ex and kids to shed.

He said that he expected me to “be nice”.

Yup, a psychologist and a mom.

Apparently, this doubleheader created the expectation that that I would offer profound and life changing insights (a softer, gentler Dr. Phil) and hand him tissues and offer some Cheerios from a little plastic bag in my purse.

Boy, I was glad to get home! Dessert? Gee, no thanks.

Of course, he called the next day and told me he had fun. “Let’s plan something for next Saturday night.”

Let’s NOT!

“More rolling on the floor….”