I think it depends on a lot. I’m dating a single dad right now and since our dating started from playdates, our kids already knew each other. So we have each other around our kids but don’t act romantic in front of them.

Right on Robin. I’m curious if there’s a no-touching policy in front of the kids, and you’ve both communicated this? You both sound very mature. (I dated a single dad once who implied that I was too uptight when I asked that he not touch me in front of our daughters. He was in the middle of a divorce, and his daughter was just a toddler. Maybe we weren’t on the same page?)

If there’s no red flags, then quickly check for the tell tale carpentry tools. It may save some time! Other than that, only some time & a bit of patience will tell. Each individual may approach the same issues a bit differently. Some due to their situation in life, (newly separated, too soon after a divorce), and some of it due to personality quirks ( not into PDA all that much).Also going out with a person with a toddler and a good baby sitter is a whole lot different than the issues that naturally arise in some folks with teens. It depends on many different factors & moving parts, which is why it’s so difficult most of the time. But it’s getting more common all the time, so it’s about time someone put some thought into it, right? Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

Gee, I have put a lot of time into thinking about dating as a single mom and, sadly, still no magic answers or one size fits all solutions.

Certainly, there are no “rules”, but here’s what I’ve learned raising my own kids and talking with other single parents.

It is always a safer strategy to keep your kids’ involvement in your relationships a giant step behind where you two are emotionally. Kids have their own challenges (like trying to grow up) without the added burden of dealing with whatever is going on in your dating life at the moment.

Watch what you say on your cell phone. It’s incredible how attentive kids can get when their curiosity is aroused. Of course, they don’t have the maturity (not to mention that they only hear half of the conversation) to understand what is going on so, often feel stressed and confused.

If your kids don’t like someone you are dating, this is a giant red flag. Their discomfort or outright hostility signals something (serious) about this guy you need to know. This is not the same as saying they hate this vegetable you’re trying to get them to eat or preferring to play video games than do homework. This is not a “mom makes the rules” kind of situation. They may be picking up on things he is saying or doing that make them uncomfortable or uneasy. It’s up to each of us to decide what’s a deal breaker, but your kids’ feelings and concerns about your latest guy should prompt some serious listening.

On the flip side, just because you’ve exposed your kid to your beau and he/she is taken with him, does not necessarily mean that he’s the one! THAT’S WHY it’s important to pace yourself and not dive in, head first. If it doesn’t work, you’re not only hurting yourself, but also your child who has gotten attached to this person and probably won’t easily accept or understand why he won’t be around anymore after the breakup. Sure, children are resilient, but why put them through this? As Dr. Leah says, your child(ren) should not have to deal with your love life in addition to what’s going on in their own lives.

I agree that it does depend on the people, the ages of the children involved, and on the situation itself, and there definitely is not one right answer. But keeping a level head at all times (despite the joy and thrill of a new relationship) and continually keeping your children’s best interests at heart should help to keep things in perspective.

VJ: No more carpenters, okay? (Although they do have such beautiful, strong hands.)

Dr. Leah: Thanks for the practical, level-headed advice. Much appreciated!

Lexi’s Mom: Ah, the heart-with-the-head dilemma! That’s why it’s a good thing to have good girlfriends, right? You can get all giddy as you tell your friends — NOT your kid — how hot your new beau is… Make sure the kids are way out of earshot, too.

I’m with Lexi on the point that sometimes just because the kid(s) aren’t immediately taken with a new beau or romantic interest is no reason per se to put the breaks on the relationship. Yes, as Dr. Leah points out, this could well be indicative of something seriously ‘unseen’ by one of the partners. But it could also be serious jealousy too, and a child’s proprietary sense that mom/dad Should be devoting more time to me, after all I’m more important, right? I’ve seen that dynamic play out a number of times, whether or not it was one of the main features of the relationship was unknown however. So yes, a potential red flag, but not necessarily a deadly or dreadful one either. Much like carpentry, actually. For many kids anyone new coming into the family circle can seem disturbing & threatening for any number of practical reasons, some having more import than others. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

We don’t have an outright ‘no touching’ policy. He is more strict than I am, since I think it’s good for my son to see physical affection between friends (the US is so non-touchy, I’m trying to counteract that!). But no making out around them, or even holding hands! And it’s absolutely something we’ve discussed directly.

I was actually wondering a little while ago if you would address the issue of single parents of similarly aged children dating each other, particularly in regards to differing parenting styles.

I just told Big A that I was “dating” someone; it was a huge step for me. It’s hard to know what to expose them to and what to protect them from, and if I’ve actually accomplished either.

I’ve been very, very cautious–but it’s hard not to have your children be a part of someone that you choose to date seriously–they are the biggest part of you; how can you seriously consider anyone without them knowing your children? I don’t think that you can.

We all know that we shouldn’t be bringing home someone new each week, but believing in love and sharing it with your kids? Isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do?

And that nasty-gram? Karma, my dear, karma.

Gah, it’s so tough! You don’t want your kids to be as heart broken as you, but you don’t want it to be a surprise if things do get serious. I recall stories where the kids didn’t even know their parents were dating until they announce the wedding, or worse after they are already married.

This is a tough one, and a question I myself have been thinking about more lately because my son is definitely entering a ‘more aware’ stage. Dating was so much easier when he was just a blob with no long-term-memory ! (I say that very affectionately, of course! ) Now that he is 14 months, walking around, talking some and becoming a little person, its much more difficult bringing a man around because I see that look in his eye when a male is interacting with us– its a look that says “I am observing everything about you, Mister and will remember you being here so tread lightly!”

A man I was dating last year really pushed me into the meeting of children. Sure, I felt we had this chemistry and he could be the one, but we hadn’t been dating very long and I didn’t want my girls involved. In the end I gave in and we met the children. My girls got very attached to him, but I didn’t with his. I think his children saw too many women going in and out of his life, which should have been a flag for me.

Two months after merging with the kids, he left. Just bailed out of nowhere, ran like the coward that he is. There I was, having to explain where he was to my girls when we were supposed to be spending July 4th together. I hate him for doing that to me.

I’ve dated some since then, but nothing serious. And I made a vow to never introduce my girls to a man again until we were well established in our relationship.

WOW, you are a kind soul to say “thanks” to Linda for (what sounds to me anyway) as an extremely judgemental RANT. I agree, guys I date are dating me and not my kids. However, relax lady, its dating. Date who you want, talk to your friends about it, good bad or ugly. Your kids won’t and shouldn’t understand anything about dating. I do understand wanting to share things with the “little” people in you life and if the guy you are dating is a good guy, he will understand and appreciate the non-kid dates. Enjoy the adult time you have together and, when the guy is right, you will enjoy the family time too.

Lanipai,
Rachel is indeed a kind soul. She’s often much more polite to people and understanding to them (and often their ignorance) than many of us single moms would ever be.

At the same time, she made a grave mistake in not only exposing her daughter to “dates” and men after short periods of time, but in MOVING IN with her beau when they had no wedding plans in site and he had openly offered it as a “trial” or a test or whatever word he used at the time to describe what he was blatantly admitting was a probably going to be a temporary situation. To me, a trial is an experiment, and my child and I are not guinea pigs! (It also sounded a lot like he wanted someone to help him foot the bills.) The signs were there and his attitude should have been a huge red flag, but they got along well at the time and Rachel was truly “seeking” a relationship.

Her daughter liked him and experienced good times with him, happier times between he and Rachel, and then ultimately the relationship going sour and deteriorating to the point that they ended up moving out. Divorce is hard enough on children, but having to deal with your mother breaking up with her boyfriend who she only dated for a short time and having to be uprooted again, again after a short period of time, is simply unfair to the child, and unnecessary. I may be wrong, but I think this is why she’s posing these questions now. So as not to make the same mistake twice.

So I do agree with your point about enjoying the adult time, but also, take it slow! You can do whatever you want when you’re single, but when children are involved, adults should be a lot more cautious and responsible.
Lexi’s Mom

Lexi’s Mom,
Thanks for the heads-up on the situation. I agree with taking things slow. Even if marriage has been discussed, nothing is a guarantee. So I pose the same question I believe Rachel was posing. When is a good time to introduce your child to the person you are dating? I believe it is different for everyone and every relationship. How do we guage the right person, the right time and the right relationship?

I dated a man for many years. We moved in together very quickly and talked about marriage and our blended family on a daily basis. Until one day I realized he was just talking. This was all it was ever going to be. Now I think it was quite unfair to everyone that he would make promises and not keep them, his boys included. Do I think it was a mistake? Not in the least.

So I say again, when the guy is right you will enjoy the family time too.

It’s a very personal choice based on the dynamics of your relationship with this man and the dynamics, age, emtional stability of your child, length of time you split from the father if he was even involved. One size does not and will not ever fit all in this case.

When my daughter gets frustrated because she can’t do something by herself I always say “honey, that’s why God gave you a mom, so you have help”. It calms her and makes her feel safe. But one day she said “mommy, why did God give me a dad?” OH MY did I ever have to hold my tongue on that one! The point of it is you have relationships in your life for a reason, they fill a need in you at that time or for the long haul. What each of us has to decide is how does that relationship fills the need of your child if at all. If it fills no need then it’s not the right time to get them “engaged”. I believe that we also have instincts for a good reason and it’s how we listen to that initial gut feeling that matters. If we ignore it we all know how that works out in the end!

When the RIGHT person comes along there will be a time where there is a natural progression and most of all a need to build a relationship with that man and that child. One of the most important lessons we can teach our kids is that people come in and out of our lives for reasons and that if they leave it does not have to have a negative effect if their parents are emotionaly mature to handle it in the appropriate way for the child.

We all make mistakes in relationships but it doesn’t have to negatively affect the kids if it’s handled in the right way.

Mae saw her mother in love, she was able to get to know and spend some time with what sounds like a pretty decent man who cared for her. How is that harmful? She probably misses him, she probably is a bit confused since she is 7 and not yet able to fully comprehend that relationship. Is she damaged? Doubtful. Did she learn something new from that man? Probably. She’s safe, she’s happy, she has an aware,smart, thoughtful, human mother. She’s going to be just fine.

I’ve been dating a great guy going on a year now, and I’ve never met his kids nor has he met mine (we have 5 daughters between us). There are a variety of reasons for this, among them, legal matters and timing having to do with other issues the children have been dealing with at various times.

Beyond those reasons, however, we share the belief that kids should not be privy to the revolving door of their parents’ dating life. His kids have never met any women he’s dated, and mine have never met any men I’ve date. We believe that kids should only meet “The One”, but of course things happen and there are no guarantees. But that’s our standard: Whoever our kids meet is the person we feel is The One. For me, I think that would require a longish term “courtship” to determine if someone is The One (as best as one can know). In my current relationship, we felt those kind of sparks early on, but the more time we spend building the relationship is time invested in being more certain about whether we really have what it takes to share a future, kids included.

Both sets of kids have experienced the loss associated with divorce, so we handle things this way, taking things at a snail’s pace (together now, and separately in our dating lives pre-this current relationship) in an effort to not subject them to further feelings of loss unnecessarily.

It’s hard, sometimes, living this secret, double life, keeping him from my kids (and vice versa). Our kids are, however, aware that we date and have friends of the opposite sex. They just don’t know that we are involved in a serious relationship.

The question whether someone is The One and/or if the time is right is has no easy or cookie-cutter answers, of course. But generally speaking, I think, “What’s the rush?” I don’t think there’s such a thing as waiting too long before introducing the kids, but I agree with everyone who has said that different kids and different situations call for different approaches to this.

Lots of wonderful, insightful comments on this topic.

Deesha,
Wow. How very noble of you. I tend to be very conservative in what I expose my daughter to, but even for me, a year would probably be a stretch. But I commend you on holding your ground and in doing what you think is best for your children. I absolutely agree with what virtually everyone has said (myself included) about there not being one right answer to this question and different scenarios calling for different approaches.

I simply look at living together differently when one or both parties have children. I’ve seen a few different scenarios, all of which ended up in failed relationships, where people split up and have to move. And while the children may not be “damaged,” I’m just not willing to expose daughter this kind of uncertainty and instability (after already losing her father) when it can be avoided.

I’m curious to know what Linda’s answer to that question would be. Because at some point, you have to see how the guy interacts with your kids. That’s infinitely important. What if you fall in love with him and then finally introduce them and they don’t get along? There has to be a happy medium. I have let my daughter be around the men I’ve dated in the past, but I don’t make a big deal out of it. It really isn’t any different than her spending time with my platonic friends. We don’t get physical in front of her, and I don’t gush to her about my feelings for him.

I don’t think it’s necessary to keep kids completely away from someone you’ve become involved with (beyond the initial dating stage), even if you don’t know whether it’s going to last. The key is how you handle it. First, don’t overdo it. Certainly you should be very very cautious about moving in with someone. However, an ocassional outing with your SO is no different than an outing with your kids and a friend or friends. These friends may move in and out of your life from time to time. Is anyone worried about the damage to kids from friends exiting our lives? The difference between an SO and a friend may be very big to us, but may not be so apparent to our kids, especially if the kids are seeing the SO no more often than they see said friends. Second, if your kids are old enough to understand, talk to them. Explain that you like this person, but you don’t know how things are going to work out, so they can’t expect that this person will always be around. Your kids may be more cautious about getting attached quickly as a result, and that’s a good thing. My kids have met two women I’ve dated in the past 2 years, one of which I’m still seeing, and they (ages 14 and 10) have not come close to forming any sort of worrisome attachment. I admit it may be different if your kids are significantly younger.

I disagree with Linda that you are going to make yourself a grandmother in 10 years by allowing your daughter to meet men you date. Iif your daughter does meet a few diferent men over a course of years, one good lesson she may be learning is that it’s OK to date a few men before deciding on one to settle down with. That should help you AVOID becoming a grandmother too quickly.

My son is nearly two and I have dated a lot of men since my divorce over a year ago. It was much easier when he was a little mush brain and had no clue who the men were. Actually not having men around at all, to me, would be worse. I also have a lot of male friends who spend time with him frequently. I can’t tell my guy friends not to come over - because - hey, you’re a man. I will say this though - now that he’s older and I’m seeing someone who is actually very, very special to us both - it’s much scarier. I am scared as hell that if this does end Benjamin will wonder where he is. But at the same time - being a complete single mother - with no support from family or anyone - the big question is - how do I date and not introduce him to my son? That would leave me with late evening hours only and to me - that’s just not a possibility. I think it’s completely different for single parents of older children - which is why, I’ve been wondering and given this discussion think it’s an important question to ask - Rachel, how has Mae handled the break up? Does she still ask about him? Do you think she’s permanently scarred? I really doubt it - because she has an amazing mother, who yes, may have made a mistake - but it could have happened to any of us. This experience will only make her stronger. Just think about all of the kids who witness their parents going through a divorce - that would be much, much worse.

[...] been thinking about struggle lately — because I finished writing a piece about trying to forgive my ex-boyfriend, the Israeli. Does this resonate for you, [...]

My husband and I decided to split in july. A week later he had another woman spend the night it was his weekend with our 3year old daughter as well. When she came home she was pretty confused and telling me about the girl sleeping in the bed with daddy he denied it. Soon I found out he had moved into her house.when his next visit came I said he couldn’t take braylin if to stay at her house only at his he was beyond angry and didn’t take her then and for a long time. Him and his mom think jealousy made that choice and yes its hard and extremely painful to deal with your husband moving in with a someone else a week after me. But it wasn’t jealousy I am doing what’s best for braylin and seeing daddy with someone a week after moms not it. I also had valid concerns about her safety I know the kind of woman really girl she is she has 4 kids who she never has her grandparents do and when her kids came home from being out of town with grandma there was a strange man they’ve never heard of living in there home. She done that with sevral men. My worries were proven valid a sunday in august my step daughter was spending the night with them only because her mom is his girlfriends (so wierd)bestfriend. Anyway they both were drinking she left and went to her friends at 2am he called her and said he had somewhere to be so she said she’d be home in 5min in 4min he left she didn’t get home until 6am my stepdaughter who I love like my own and 3 of hers were left alone for 4hrs. But I’m still seen as jealous and putting braylin in the middle and not doing what’s best for her. Can nobody see I’m doing that and he’s just being selfish and doing whatever he wants not considering what’s braylin needs. Yesterday he asked to take her the first time since july 25th he agreed to stay at his moms with her and not at her house they’ve been off and on he calls me at 2am wanting to “hang out”saying I miss u I love you. I called last night to say love u and goonite to bray they weren’t there I made several attempts in the next 24hrs to get a hold of him with no response did I mention he never sighed her birth certificate so he has zero parental rights. Finally after texting him and saying I would have the police escort me to get her he called and said she was on her way.not before his mom called to threaten “I better think long and hard about that next move cuz there things in your past against you so think if you want to start making things bad for myself”that’s why its my past and instead of focusing on taking perscribed pain narcotics for a pain disease that I don’t even take now she should focus on what her sons doing in the now. Sorry I was venting. I truly believe I’m doing what in brays best intrest but it would be great to hear someone agree I’m doing the right thing don’t give up because my daughter needs me to make the important life choices that she way to young to make.

[...] guilty of it, too. I’ve blogged about Mae’s father, and later wrote about my ex-boyfriend, whom I’d fallen for five years into single [...]