Does he have any chance? NO!

While he sounds like a nice guy, he has to accept the child and the limitations that come with dating a woman who has a child, or he can forget it. And he can forget about coming first. From my perspective and that of most of the single moms I know, the man/boy toy/boyfriend or whatever he is is blatantly second. (Not that he wouldn’t be treated nicely, have a good time, and occasionally get his way IF it’s feasible!)

100 miles apart is probably enough of a challenge if they both work and have other obligations and/or interests. Add a child to the mix and it can get complicated. He should openly talk to her about all of this and they should come to some sort of understanding or agreement. Finally, if he decides to pursue a relationship with this woman, casual or otherwise, he has to be prepared for wrenches in plans and be flexible (and understanding) or it will never work!!

Quick answer is - if he gives up the idea of always getting his way.

If he really wants to see how things go with her, he needs to talk to her, to understand what she really can and can’t do. Will her child be there too, or with a family member or friend? Is he willing to travel the 100 miles each time, at least until she decides he’s really worth it. She’s going to want to be close enough to her child in case they need something. But does she want him at her house? Should he plan to pay for a hotel?

As a single mom I’ve done the long distance thing. It was fun, but had to be really well planned. Flexibility… thats a big hint if he really wants it to work.

I think many people without kids don’t “get” what it’s like to have kids. They don’t understand. How could they? This man probably won’t get it - if he is used to getting his way and already feels like he is vying for attention with a little boy he has never met. The last thing a single mom wants is a competition between a man and her kid(s), because if she’s a good mom — the man loses!

Is “C” used to getting what he wants without working for what he wants? All relationships require effort and flexibility. What is he willing to do to make things work? What is this single mom willing to do?

Would it be helpful if she explained to this no experience with kids guy why she needs to be home when her son wakes up? It’s hard to know whether this is a “for now” thing or it’s a hard and fast rule that always and forever she must be home before her child wakes up.

Do other single moms try as a rule to be home before the kids wake up?

Is getting home before the day begins a way to balance your private life with your responsibilities as a parent?

Kvetch,
You raised a very valid point. Although I am a single mom now, I had almost forgotten that at one time I dated a man who was a single father. It was long distance and our only problem was his son! He was going through a messy divorce but was the ultimate father to his child, trying to minimize the disruption to his life in having been uprooted from their family home to a small apartment across town. He did everything for the kid that his ex asked, and then some. I thought it was wonderful—until our plans had to get changed or “put on hold” time and time again because he was called unexpectedly for parent duty. While I was sure his ex was doing this on purpose because she knew about me, it didn’t stop him from changing our plans every time and expecting me to always understand. I didn’t, was bitter, and had frequent temper tantrums. One Friday I had driven the 500 miles to see him and was supposed to be there over a long weekend when his ex called that Saturday morning to tell him she had something to do and was dropping the boy off “within the hour.” I was truly ticked because I knew this meant our weekend plans were out the window. I expected him to push back just once since I had driven all that way just the day before and he had shared the very romantic plans he had for me over the next 3 days. Instead, he told me we’d have to make some kid-friendly plans instead since his son (who liked me) would probably want to stay all weekend. At that point I repacked my bag and drove home! Needless to say, we disagreed about it and eventually we broke up.

In retrospect I think we both could have handled things differently. But now that I am a parent myself, and a single one at that, I do understand. At the time I felt that he needed to have a life, whereas now I am totally sacrificing mine, and I’m fine with it. I don’t date currently and don’t plan to until I meet someone decent who totally adores my daughter and is willing to accept us as a package. (And he will not meet her right away!)

Eventually my friend and I started communicating again on and off and he admitted to me that the only reason he still talks to me is because I’m a parent! We’ve become great friends and even though he has since married someone he met locally, we still keep in touch. So getting back to what you said, I now understand why I lost. There is no competition. It should come down to the kid(s) every time.

Note to C: If you can not handle coming second to her son this early on in the game, I have three very frank words of advice: Bail out now.
She doesn’t need the guilt trip or the headache.

I’m not intending to be mean, he sounds like a nice enough guy but reality is reality and she’s letting you know how important her child is and you are already having problems with it. I’d say this is a less than stellar match.

Be eachother’s booty call if you’re that hot for eachother but let her find someone who is a little less demanding to have a relationship with.

This just in from “C” this morning:

“Rachel,

Thanks for all the help!!!!!!!!! The comments are great!!!!!!!”

You mamas rock.

I agree with what everyone else here has said… you can’t date a single mom and also want to come first. It’s just not ever going to happen if she is a good mother. But regardless of whether or not someone you are dating has kids, the majority of people nowadays have a lot going on… school, work (a lot of times, more than one job), family commitments, social lives, etc…. we have gotten way past the days when people are so focused on settling down and getting married that they will set everyhing else aside to do it. It’s just not the priority it used to be, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We all have things to do, and it’s tough to schedule romance into all of it. I think as long as they are both making an effort, it should be okay. He just has to get used to the idea that he’s not going to necessarily get her all to himself, because that just isn’t the way things are anymore for most women, parents or not. He’s got to like her for who she is, and that includes her as a parent, employee, etc. and not just who she is as his girlfriend.

As a single guy I would probably tell the dude and the girl to bail out. From my experience single mothers are great people ,but they seem to have a wall built up from divorce or a major breakup that leaves them very sensitive and always wanting to be good mothers to there kids. You are good mothers. but can’t do it yourself. Your kid will think you are a great mom in the long run if you find a guy who can help you raise them and you avoid the booty calls. The kids see this and it’s not cool. I also don’t think its fair for single mothers in a relationship to make a guy oome to them for every little thing related to there child and correcting there childs behavior. This is a bad start. The key is to find someone you will approve of not for you ,but for your child and then trust him like you do yourself. I am signle guy and I think I would get serious with a single mom if the arrangement was such that I know I will be supporting her kids and she knows that with me they are safe and well taken care of. I think the majority of guys would avoid it because it is a tough obstacle. I know I am of a small number and just wanted to voice my opinions.. relax, put your guard down and find the right guy for your child not just you. Thats my advise. oh and no booty calls that will mess the kid up in the long term, seriously. Thats all I got. I’m out!

Well, i think your opening sentence summed up your website “I’m usually skeptical about emails from single men.” Oh, yes, I’d momentarily forgotten, its all the fault of men. Drop the blame game please!

Selmo: you’re right that came out sounding rather harsh.

But if you read more of my blog, you’ll see that I adore men.

I think we need good men in this world, and I’m grateful to know so many of them.