I made TWO lists; one of things I used to like about him and the other of things I hate about him. While I have to admit the first list was longer, the second list was disturbing enough to make me realize what a weak, selfish, troubled individual he is, and it affirmed my determination to move on and not look back.

I also:
1) Took down all of his pictures
2) Donated the clothes he left behind to goodwill
3) Took out a life insurance policy on him
4) Deleted him from my MIND

While our divorce is still pending I am forced to talk about him occasionally, but it’s never conversation that I initiate or enjoy. So I handle my business promptly and move on, just as I’m doing with my life!

Sigh. I wish he owned it, then I could just ask him to name the price so that I could have that part of it back, but of course it’s not that easy, is it?

I like to think that I live and learn, and I suppose that I have and do; I think what I’ve learned is a defense mechanism that keeps everyone at an arms length; I’m not taking the chance on someone snatching what is left of it.

Yes, my son’s father still has a major hold on me. It is still difficult for me to call him an ex…we never had any type of closure. One day we were a family, the next he is gone…now, currently serving his 4th year of a 20 year prison sentence.

I find this all so interesting. You are all such brave, strong women. I can take so much of your advice and mottos into my own marriage. I look forward to reading more of your adventures.

I’m very removed from my ex (I’m the one that wanted out). I never missed him once since we divorced and his personality still grinds me to this day. And yet, when we get along and are talking about the kids on the phone, the conversations can get fairly long and I almost consider us friends. I figure life is too short to be angry, it’s exhausting! We will always have a connection with the kids and have to communicate, but I am fortunate that it’s the only connection I feel.

KB,
You are very fortunate 1) that your split was your choice and 2) that you have an ex whom you can communicate with. Mine took off, unable to face me long enough to maintain his relationship with our child. And as much as I’d like to be able to communicate with him about our daughter and have him be part of her life, he simply can’t bring himself to be bothered, for whatever reason. It certainly wasn’t my doing or my choice, but I’ve come to learn that it’s simply something I have to accept, and as you say, not be angry. Life truly is too short, and I’ve been blessed with a healthy, happy child who I have the benefit of watching grow up. It’s his loss. I’m just thankful that apart from the connection with our child, the “hold” he had on me is no longer, along with the love and respect I once felt for him.

While we all have different experiences, I agree that we’re all strong and brave women! Lexi’s Mom

It’s a tough one. The toughest thing I’ve ever gone through. If it were only just a breakup. But the fact that the whole idea of family and children were mixed up with it made it 1000x more complex. For me, it was the dream of having a family I had to let go of (because he didn’t want it with me). For me, it was having to see him very frequently (because I had to share the child). For me, it was also realizing that it was I who was blind to how things were in our relationship, thinking that things would just get better. For some reason, knowing that it was me in so many ways helped. It was like a huge lesson for me. And I saw how my blindess (the wanting a family so badly that i didn’t see how lame our relationship really was)/weakness had led me astray.

Honestly, for me… the whole episode of how the relationship went and the breakup and all of that… how desperate I allowed myself to get… it’s just sort of embarrassing.

But oh well… we all live and learn. Hopefully.
And, anyway, now things are so much better. I had been stuck in the idea that family meant one thing, but there are other ways to be family, and they can work quite well, too.

I was just thinking about this, in terms of what am I doing to stay engaged in the “relationship” the other day.

Court orders determine visitation and there is no point to even ask for a change, it’s just not going to happen. Once all communication was ordered to be by email (so he could no longer twist my words) communication ended. No phone calls or emails to me, everything that is left to do, is done through the attornies.

But reality is, I still allow him to get to me, and I need to stop that. This is still better than being his punching bag!

Thanks for your inspiration!

Lexi’s Mom- It sounds as if you’ve come a long way and have truly bounced back. Don’t get me wrong, my story isn’t without pain and my ex has left me feeling abandoned in other ways, but I’m much happier solo. I always said that I’d rather be single than with someone that was dragging me down and that has proven true for me. My soul is too important for someone else to have.

For all of you that have been stomped on and left behind, remember that what’s truly important are those children that cherish you. They are what make our lives of value.

You’re so right, and thanks!