Rachel,
I have so many thoughts that I don’t know where to begin! First of all, kudos to you for not obsessing over the Daddy thing in so long. While some days are definitely better than others for me, I definitely do, on occasion, obsess, mainly because I did the “right” thing. I was married when I conceived, to a man I knew and had loved for a long time, and had no reason to believe that I would ever be a single parent.

Lexi is only 3 1/2 and hasn’t yet fully grasped that her dad is no longer with us. Sure she has noticed his “absence” and asked where he is, but so far I’ve been successful in simply telling her that he lives in another house but loves her very much. Then I distract her with something else!

I had to take his pictures down to minimize the questions, and now that she’s in preschool and has many activities and social outlets, I don’t think she thinks about it as often as when he first left and she refused to eat, because he used to feed her! Or when she’d hear a car outside and say that daddy was coming. But I’m sure when she sees dads at her school or when we’re out somewhere and we see families, she wonders where hers is. One day I was driving and she was in her car seat in the back. We had just picked up a pizza and a movie to have a Girls’ Night at our house, and out of the blue she starts crying and says, “I Miss My Daddy.” Talk about difficult moments…

I was absolutely shocked that Eric has surfaced, via blogs. Apparenlty he knew he’d be able to locate you that way, so at least he does seem to be interested in Mae, on some level. It, of course, doesn’t excuse his absence, but comments online are more than we get, and my ex lives 10 minutes away! (He’s a bipolar recovering drug addict, but still…he’s alive, usually coherent, and well aware that he has a child in the same town whom he hasn’t seen in 4 months!)

I intentionally seek out mothers-only books to minimize the daddy questions when we’re reading, and I stay abreast of reading material that offers suggestions for how to deal with the subject, as I’m sure more questions will be asked of me as Lexi gets older. (Unfortunately our community is very family-oriented and single parents are a rarity. )

She doesn’t ask IF she has a daddy because she knows him, and she even comments that certain men she sees “look like” her daddy. Yet she hasn’t yet asked why he doesn’t live with us anymore. I believe when she does, I’ll simply tell her that she may be able to talk to HIM about it at a later date. I never, ever bash him to her, and continually, like you, make her the center of my universe. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, and I believe that in being the best parent I can be, everything will fall into place. And when those tough questions evenually come, we’ll deal with them, one-by-one.

Thank you for your really thoughtful and genuine comments.

You reminded me: when I’ve talked about Mae’s father, I’ve always said “Your father loves you…” (which sounds so strange, because how does this kind of relationship really anything like love?)

I’ve kept it positive, as you have: he was so excited about bringing her into the world and I know that he adored her those first seven months.

Please know that you’re such a great mama. You are the constant in Lexi’s life. This is what matters.

(And as you may know, we are dealing with a bipolar father, too…)

The “Daddy Questions” often get asked at the most unexpected times and places. It’s important to be ready, which means having your own emotional house in order. Easy to say; hard to do. Rachel is right on target (as usual!) about using children’s books to help your child understand his/her own birth story. It is never too soon to start helping your child understand his/her own unique birth story.

Speaking of books . . .The Complete Single Mother (Adams Media 2006) has lots of helpful information about getting your own head together so you’re ready to respond to those inevitable “Big D” questions.

First off let me give you kudos on being a single parent. I know everyone has there moments of. I’m 26yrs old and raising a 3yr son by myself.

No, I didn’t choose to be a single parent — matter of fact I don’t think anyone does.

I ask myself everyday “What am I going to tell my son when he asks about his dad?” Still to this day I stick to my word and tell him the truth. See, my son knows who his father is and every now and then will ask for him and every time I grind my teeth in anger. His father thinks that parenting is a game, and he can do it when he feels like it. He’s an ex athlete, thinking somebody owes him something, instead of working out everyday and staying on his agents rear end on getting him placed on a team, he sits back and smokes weed, thinking it will be handed to him. No not on my time, I don’t understand how someone can not want to get their life together so they can spend every minute with their child.

This is a human being, a part of you, you took part in creating this life. A woman can’t raise a boy to be a man. But I try not to waste good energy on such things. The day I had my son I knew it was time to grow up and get it together, I have a good full time job, and I’m currently enrolled in college full time. My son was my blessing, he helped me get my life together. No matter how bad my day has been I can always go home and erase it by looking at my son.

So to answer the question what do you tell your child when they ask about the unknown “daddy?” Tell them the truth, trust me as they grow older they will love you even more because you told them the truth even when the truth hurt.

The only one that will have to do the real explaining will be the missing parent. Funny, because I just recently went to Tyler Perry’s new play “Whats done in the dark ” and a line stuck out to me that was stated by one of the characters…”I will do whatever it takes for my child because you never know who you’re carrying!”

I, on the other hand, know that god blessed me tremendously.

My daugher’s father and I were broken up (never married) months before she was born, and he moved on from being her dad before she had turned a year old (even before that, there were maybe 3 short visits). When she was a toddler, she would ask if random men on the streets were her daddy. I got the “why doesn’t my daddy live with us?” question a lot, and when she was little, I would keep it simple, by saying that he just lived in another house. Now that she’s older (11), she requires more information, so I give it to her when she asks. We have had some long conversations about him… what he’s like, where he has been, why he wasn’t around, etc. I try to be very honest with her without putting my own feelings into it or trashing him to her. If something reminds me of him (in a good way), I’ll tell her. I’ll say something like “Your dad and I used to love going to that restaurant.” and she loves hearing things like that. He has recently come back into the picture (not my picture… heavens no… but he wants to get to know her), so this should be an interesting ride.

Kelly,
It should be interesting, indeed, so please keep us posted!

My ex comes around, sporadically, too, but only when he claims to want “his family” back. And that never lasts because I’m far beyond giving him chances. What’s sad is that he can’t seem to separate the two and realize that our daughter will be here, regardless, and he can still be a part of HER life, even if he’s not in mine. He’s such a selfish b—— that he doesn’t seem to realize that being a parent is not optional. I do the same things you do, with the positive talk when his name comes up, and who knows if he will try to establish a relationship with her when she’s older. I imagine it will be probably be too late. I’ve seen kids who deal with absentee parents (dads AND moms) who re-surface, and while they tolerate them and may opt to spend time with them, they don’t respect them too much. Just keep on doing what you’re doing, and let your daughter decide.

Best of luck!

Rachel, thanks for sharing your thoughts (as always) and links to the other blogs. Wow, that’s all I can say after reading them. And wow to you for being honest with your book and the “reviewers” as well as Big Goof or whatever his name is…

As a single mom by choice, I’ve never had to deal with forlorn kids who wonder why their dad left. I have, however, thought very carefully about how to approach the daddy issue. Here’s what I’ve discovered:

Many kids will wonder but not ask the questions. Just because they’re not asking about it doesn’t mean they’re not thinking about it. While my kids were in preschool, about 3 to 5 years old, some of their friends asked ME “where’s your daddy?” I knew they really meant where was my kids’ daddy, but knew no better way to express it. So around that time I offhandedly brought up the issue with my kids. During a quiet, peaceful time I’d say something like: “We have such a great family. We have a mom and a sister and a brother. We have two dogs but no cat. We have a girl cousin and two boy cousins. Some families have cats but not dogs. Some have pet birds, but we don’t. We don’t have a dad in our family but we have an uncle T and an aunt J. Some families have dads but no moms….etc.”

I think the casual quality helped them ease into the conversation with very little upset. Both of them contributed to what I was saying, volunteering facts about other families, even remarking on some other single mom families we knew.

The tone of our discussion helped them feel comfortable talking about it. We still occasionally talk about the dad issue, and they tell me they wish they had one and I agree with them but gently point out that I try to make their lives as comfortable as possible, and I think they accept it fairly contentedly.

Holy Creep fest Batman! That’s all. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’

I left my husband when my son was 4 months old. It was my choice to leave. I could have continued the relationship for years and years and would have been choosing a life of misery. My ex wouldn’t budge on any of our “issues.”

He sees Benjamin for 36 hours a week. Between those two days he never calls to see how he is doing and never expresses any interest to see him outside of his time. I think because he was such an awful husband, leaving him without looking back wasn’t too difficult. I know with every inch of my body that my son and I will be much better off in the long run.

I’m not sure how I will answer all of the questions later. But recently every time Benjamin sees a man - he shouts, “daddy! daddy!” It’s a bit gut wrenching but only for a split second. Then I realize - it’s just so much better without daddy around.

wow. i would love some of the titles of the kids books starring single moms. my 2 1/2 year old asks about her dad all the time. he has no idea she exists- i don’t want to tell her this part of the situation. i became pregnant during a few nights stand with a man i found oout was from a devout muslim family in Saudi Arabia. long story short he made it easy for me to decide to not inform him of her existance b/c he was on holiday in teh States before returning home to his arranged marriage. out of fear that my daughter would be kidnapped or some other such horror i did not go to great lengths to find him. arab-american friends of mine advised me consdiering cultural differences it was best he never know. this makes it difficult at best when the where is my daddy question comes up- i say he is far away so mama is your daddy too. i suspect / pray it will be easier when she is older and can digest the entire narrative- she is happy so far with the answers i give and has lots of wonderful male influences in her life. thanks for a place to put all of this!

Mamas, can you think of kid’s books that star single moms?

Please post titles here!… They’re must be some out there… Or, write one please!

I’m a little late for comment here, but it is worth it to have a place to put this. Thanks so much - I never knew this site existed…it would have been good for me. I very recently remarried, but I was the single-never-married-mother of one for 8 years. She began asking for her dad at 18 months old - by identifying Homer Simpson on a mug and essentially asking - where’s MY daddy? I would have liked to have head things off at the pass, in terms of hi-lighting the single mother thing - I belonged to a single moms group for a while but had close friends with 2 parent households, so my daughter saw some real good dads up close and personal - and was able to make the connection. My new husband has 3 kids of his own and custody is split down the middle - so moving in with him she has had a chance to live with a dad of OTHER kids. It has been hard for her, and though she has always brought up her dad’s absence (I followed the “Do I Have a Daddy” book to a t) from time to time - it was sometimes years before she would mention it. Since getting married she has asked more about him and cried more about him than before. I think her fantasy of him is making it hard for her to form an attachment with my husband, who, incidentally, wants to form an attachment with her, which is key. Recently, at her request, I looked for her dad and actually shocked myself by finding him. He is still a narcissist and I am desperate at the thought of him coming into her life to disappoint her…but my daughter has such a yearning for this. And I’m thinking to meet him now, I can perhaps support her with whatever the relationship turns out to be, and that might be harder to do when she is a teenager. But I haven’t called him to make arrangements yet.

I’m a single mother as well of a 4 year old. This boy knows his father, yet for the past 6 months his father has refused to make any contact what so ever. This has crushed my child. He is heart broken over it and has started acting out. I do not know how to handle his behavior issues. He hits at school, bites, pinches, Doesn’t listen to anything anyone tells him.etc. And when ever I ask him why, his response is always “I miss my daddy.” How do I go about handling this?

I just happened upon this particular post ( i see it is momths old) However, as this is supposed to be a supportive network of single parents, I find it sad that no-one bothered to offer any advice to Ashley, who obviously is in a crisis in regards to her child’s behavior. A little late, Ashley, but here goes: talk to your son’s pediatrician & ask that he/she recommend books,support groups,pediatric behaviorlists,etc. Also work with your child’s teacher to come up with a plan you can initiate at home & at school. Good luck.

Alicia, I really appreciate that you came forward here with great advice. Thank you, thank you. I will make sure that I email Ashley on the side so that she gets your great, right-on comment.

I wrote another post awhile back, asking for advice re: books about single parent families. Here’s that post:
http://singlemomseeking.wordpress.com/2007/10/31/what-are-your-favorite-single-mom-books/

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