I do all of that alone, and it doesn’t bother me. I guess it’s just all I know, never having been married. Casey’s father was totally absent from her life until a year ago (she’s 11), and now he kind of keeps his distance and lets us call the shots because he knows he doesn’t have a right to jump in and be super dad all of a sudden. So, things like that are my territory, and that works for me. I like being the only one making the decisions when it comes to her… it’s easier, and I don’t have to argue with anyone about the choices I make.

On the other hand, I have a single mom friend whose relationship she has with her ex is something I really admire. They are both at every single event their daughter has… open houses, conferences, concerts, etc. and even though they aren’t together anymore, they really work with each other to be the best parents they can for her. You have to admire that.

Thanks Kelly! I’m back from the conference and, yes, it felt good to be on my own. I beamed as Mae’s 2nd grade teacher went on about how thoughtful and confident she is, how she focuses on her work and communicates well with others…. So good to hear.

I’ve been doing that for years and really it is easier. sometimes the responsibiltiy can be daunting but the feeling passes.

Sure I wish I had a great partner to go to plays, concerts, and all the kid things……..but being on your own is way better than being with the wrong person. And her dad is definitely the wrong person. He rarely calls anymore after almost 8 years. She’s 14 now and does notice.

you sound like you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to, it just takes a while to feel like you are.

I will be the first to admit that being on (usually) agreeable terms with my ex is a plus. We have split duties like doctor appointments and soccer practices, but even with an involved dad, it still seems a lot of it ends up on my shoulders. “Mom’s work” I suppose he thinks. He’s an avid (obsessed) outdoorsman and wouldn’t you know the last 2-3 years he’s missed our daughter’s parent teacher conferences because it falls right smack during the time he likes to take off and go hunting. I won’t even get into why I have to remind him why it’s important for him to attend our kids’ own birthday parties and such. So, yeah, we split things but no, it’s still not equally shared in my opinion. He still tends to resort to what’s best for him and then I think sometimes it would be easier if it were just me. At least psychologically, maybe not logistically. All in all, my name ends up solo on a lot of things, too!

I don’t mind doing the kid stuff on my own. It’s the grown-up stuff I don’t like doing on my own!

I have no ex, unless you count a couple of glass vials delivered by Fedex as a relationship. I felt the same self-consciousness for a long time, but my kids and I have grown so accustomed to our family of three that I don’t think about it much any more.

Lexi is only in preschool, but already I’ve had to attend “Curriculum Night” and the school’s fun fair solo, as well as an upcoming parenting seminar and parent-teacher conferences next month. What bothers me is that my soon-to-be ex husband lives 10 minutes away, yet doesn’t even know what school she attends (or that she’s in school, for that matter) and he hasn’t seen her at all in the last 4 months. It would be different if I made him stay away, but despite our marital troubles and the hell he put me through, I’ve always left the door open where our child is concerned. He’s just into himself (off his bipolar rocker!) and is too cowardice to face me, so she gets neglected. Everyone says not to worry about it because he’s the one who’s missing out, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I try to stay positive while doing all for her that I can, but it is hard to deal with at times.

I like to think my ex and I have a good relationship now but the only way it’s been a good relationship is by me accepting that he is just not interested in being an involved parent. He see’s our child a couple of times a month (he lives 4 hours away by car) and that’s it. He rarely calls, doesn’t ask about school, couldn’t really tell you much about our child. But still I suppose it’s better to have some connection, right?
I make do. The way I see it, even if we were still married I would do everything alone. That’s just the way it is.
I’d like it to be different, but ultimately I am not going to bend over backwards to convince someone they should take a more active role in raising their child.

A good idea for a column would seem to be why is it this way? Why are so many men content to have such a small role in their childrens lives?

Amazing what a little perspective will do for you, eh?
I’ve never had a problem going solo, but I have to confess, that with the school change, running through all the de facto custody stuff and training the office to stop sending notices (that that Diva Girl gets many) to Mr & Mrs Rastin is kind of bugging me. Not in an “oh god, I’m not normal!” way; just a “must we?” way.

(Yeah, that’s me. There was a thing, and now I’m not with iVillage anymore. I truly am SOLO now! )